Living With Regret (11 page)

I need to get a new phone number so I don’t risk Carrie, or whoever else has this number, interfering with my goal to win Jordan back. But first I flip back to the internet and check the outgoing flights. I quickly purchase two first-class seats to Honolulu. Next, I book, as well as pay for a resort that offers private bungalows that claim they are perfect for those looking for their own private getaway, which is exactly what we need.

I hear the shower turn off so I head to the room that Jordan has claimed as hers. When I see the unmade bed, it makes me smile. I want to spend every night wrapped around her the way I did last night.

I really did try to sleep in the master bedroom, but I had never felt more alone then I did lying in that huge bed all by myself, especially knowing the other half of my heart was across the hall. After I got up and snuck into Jordan’s room, I immediately felt better, but it wasn’t until I climbed into bed with her that I knew without a doubt I was exactly where I was meant to be.

“Hey.” At the sound of her shy voice, I turn and swallow my tongue. Jordan is standing in the doorway with a small towel wrapped tightly around her irresistible body. I swallow a few more times, willing my wanton thoughts away before I say or do something that sets us back.

“I came to tell you to pack up whatever you brought with you because our flight leaves in a few hours.”

The entire time I was talking my eyes unwillingly remained on the swells of her breast that are peeking out of the top of the towel.

“Chase, my eyes are up here.” I snap my eyes up, thinking from the tone of her voice that I pissed her off. But from the sparkle I see in her eyes, I can tell she was joking, and thank God because I plan to do a lot more than just stare at her exquisite tits.

“Yes, I know exactly where your beautiful blue eyes are, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love looking at your tight, sexy body.”

Jordan nervously chews on her lip and her face reddens at my comment. After ten years, I still have the ability to make her blush. I guess a perk to my lack of memory is that I get to discover this magnificent woman all over again.

I had no idea where Chase was taking us, and I was even more confused when we made a few stops before we finally arrived at the airport where we boarded a flight to Honolulu. I didn’t tell Chase that I’ve vacationed in Hawaii, but I never made it to Honolulu. Therefore, he still managed to take me somewhere new.

The place he reserved for us is beautiful and intimate ...very intimate. We’re staying on the beach in a fancy modern day hut. Each hut is spaced a half a mile apart, giving the illusion that you have your own personal beach.

Inside, the hut is just as breathtaking. Other than the bathroom, the whole place is one open room. This is where you’d go to get away from the world or a place you’d take someone you want to spend some very personal time with. I’m guessing with Chase it’s the latter.

I told Donna and Dr. Wallace that I would give Chase one week and in the two days I’ve spent with him, Chase isn’t any closer to remembering the truth. If anything, he seems more determined to win me over than uncover the life he really lives, the one that doesn’t include me.

I wander out to the beach, taking in the view while Chase deals with the bellhop and our luggage. It’s beautiful here. My life in New York is fast paced and hectic at best. Being here gives me a sense of peace I didn’t know I was missing.

“I hate that I can’t remember where we went on our honeymoon.” Chase’s voice is right above my ear, startling me out of my thoughts.

“If we want ...if you’re willing to let go of the past, we could treat this trip like it’s a new beginning. I know I need to remember what I did before I can ask you to forgive me, Jordan, but honestly ...I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle the truth.” Chase turns me around so I’m facing him. He watches me closely while his warm eyes are pleading with me to believe him.

“Whatever I did ...I’m sorry.” His voice cracks. “God, I’m so fucking sorry because it made you leave me and that’s a world I can’t imagine living in.”

I clear my throat, fighting the urge to cry. Dr. Stein didn’t prepare me for this. Don’t lie and don’t give him information he’s not ready to handle, that’s what I was told ...but what about me? He’s doing everything in his power to make me fall in love with him again, and if I open my heart for even a second, then that’s exactly what will happen.

We live two separate lives on opposite sides of the country, lives that haven’t once in ten years included each other. What happens if I open my heart to him and then he remembers? He remembers the life that I don’t belong in, a life that he might love, a life he wants to return to.

That leaves me in the exact same place I was in ten years ago and I don’t think I can survive losing Chase a second time, but ...what if?
What if this time he chooses me?
His parents aren’t here to remind him of what an awful person I am. Even if they were, I get the impression that they don’t wield the same power over Chase that they once did.

I’m completely caught up in my own thoughts when I hear Chase talking again.

“I remember the first day you walked into Mr. Wilbert’s homeroom. When I looked up and saw you, my world as I knew it changed. I’ve never been able to tell you or anyone else why. Why you? All I know is I feel a pull towards you, only you. Maybe it was love at first sight, maybe you’re my soul mate ...fuck, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I even believe in any of that crap. All I know is that from the moment I laid my eyes on you, something changed inside of me.” Chase reaches out and laces my fingers with his.

“Give me a second chance. Give us a second chance and I promise you won’t regret it.” His voice is strong and primal, and in my heart I believe he means every word.

“How can you promise me your future when you don’t remember your past?” I sniffle as I mentally come undone. “Once your memory comes back, everything could change. You might not want the life you’re asking for now.”

He’s looking at me the same way he used to, the same look that once told me how much he loves me. A look I tried for years to forget.

His voice shakes as he says, “I’m the one who broke us, correct?”

My heart drops to my stomach. Being this close to him and thinking about the day I thought he was going to propose only to be told goodbye causes my eyes to tear up. Instead of speaking, I nod my head in agreement.

“That’s what I thought. Whatever I did, is it something you can forgive?”

I sigh and step away from him. “Ugh, Chase, it’s not as simple as a yes or no.” From the second I opened my mouth, I lost my battle with holding my tears at bay. Chase closes the gap between us and places his hands on my face then tilts my head back. His eyes are gazing into mine as his thumb brushes away my tears.

“Make it that simple. Tell me ...do I have the power to fix us?” he boldly questions.

I feel like the roles have reversed, like I’m the one who’s done something wrong because I’m keeping a secret from him, one that has the power to change everything, but if he can get past that and still want me, then . . .

“Yes.”

Yes. She said yes. I’ve never heard a word sound sweeter, especially coming from her exquisite lips.

Jordan gave me the power to fix us and I’m not about to let this opportunity pass by without giving it everything I have.

Today we wandered around the beach, acting almost like a couple. We held hands a few times. Talked about things we might like to do while we’re here, but we kept our conversation light. I know I don’t have the power to snap my fingers and magically fix us but I’m beyond nervous I’ll say something that slams the door I’ve recently opened.

Tonight I had our dinner brought out to our private bungalow and we ate beachside. We’re enjoying a traditional Hawaiian meal that leads to a long conversation about times we both tried strange food. As much as I love hearing her talk about herself, I also hate that nothing she says triggers a single memory.

“College was hard, wasn’t it? I mean ...I mean, being apart?” I fumble my words as fear crashes through me. I remember being brave, trying my hardest to make her feel that everything was going to be okay, but I had my doubts. Not doubts about us, but I was afraid I’d hold her back from things she wanted to explore and learn when she moved away for school. I was also afraid that one day Jordan would grow to hate me for keeping her from an easy life, one she deserved. That was a fear that my dad definitely played on.

“You’ll ruin that girl’s life and one day she’ll hate you for it. Where will that leave you, huh? Don’t fuck up her life and your chance to play football over some damn puppy love. There’ll be plenty of girls at school, Chase, you’ll see.”

There are times when I have such detailed flashbacks and then other times I try so hard and I can’t remember anything, like now. No matter what I do, I can’t remember much about my time at college.

Jordan nervously swallows before answering, “The first semester was the worst. The second one was a little better and from there it got easier over time.” She turns her head away from me to gaze out at the ocean. I sense this is a topic she’d rather not discuss, and while my fear of upsetting her hasn’t gone away, I know we have to move past this conversation if a future for the two of us exists.

Jordan’s tormented eyes glance quickly at me before she frantically looks away again. Maybe learning about who Jordan is today is a safer tactic. “I think it’s safe to say that we don’t live together. I heard you say something about New York. Is that where you’re living now?” I hold my breath, waiting for her to answer. I hate the idea of us not living together, but it’s hard to stomach the thought that she lives so far away.

She blinks at me a few times before nodding her head, but that’s it, that’s all I get from her. I hiss out a frustrated sigh before trying again.

“What do you do in New York?” Her features relax.

“I work at a company called Natural Cosmetics.” Cosmetics? Nothing about that sounds right. Jordan is naturally beautiful and she doesn’t wear a lot of makeup, yet she’s working at a company that sells them.

“Is that your dream job or is it just a job that pays the bills?”

She stops to think about her answer. “Well, I didn’t grow up dreaming about working in that industry, but I do enjoy my job. The people I work with are great and it’s in New York, which I love.”

“You won’t consider moving back to Arizona?” I rush out.

Whatever is going through her mind has her thinking about how she should respond. “I love New York. That’s where I’ve lived for the past t—” She bites her bottom lip before continuing. “I’ve lived in New York for a while now. That’s where I consider home to be, and yes I have a career. Those are all reasons why I’m not sure things between us could work.”

I want to ensure her we’ll be fine, but she’s right. If she lives in New York and I live in Arizona, then there will be a good chunk of time that we’d have to spend apart. On the flip side, I’m not sure if or when I’ll be released to play football, or if I even want to. If someone made me choose right now between Jordan and football, then it would be Jordan hands down. And that tells me everything I really need to know about the future I want.

“Do you ever go back to Oak Cove?”

She quickly shakes her head. “No. My parents moved and my grandparents have passed away since we were in high school. How about you, do you go back very often?”

My chest tightens after learning about her grandparents. They were the reason she moved to Oak Cove in the first place, and I don’t recall hearing about their passing.

“I’m sorry about your grandparents. And to answer your question, yes. I think.” I groan as I rub my hands over my face. “God, it fucking sucks that I can’t remember certain things. My parents still have their house in Oak Cove, and if I recall correctly, I usually spend time there during the offseason.”

As I say that out loud, I wonder how long Jordan and I have been apart. Telling her I go to Oak Cove feels right, but wouldn’t she know that?