Living With Regret (21 page)

“I wasn’t released to play the rest of this year, but it appears that I could play next year, withstanding a full medical check. However, the risk of playing no longer outweighs the future I’d like to have, which is why I officially retired and accepted a job in New York.”

At my announcement, Jordan gasps and places her hand over her chest. “Doing what?” she asks without taking her eyes off of me.

“I’ve lived and breathed football every second of my life, and even though I have a degree in marketing, I feel like football is all I know. Yesterday I became the newest Human Resource Coordinator for the NFL. My office is at their headquarters in New York City.”

The room is eerily silent until Mrs. Taylor speaks up. “Well, that’s wonderful news, especially if that’s what you want to do.” This right here is what I missed out on in life.
If that’s what you want to do
. Outside of Jordan, no one, including my mother, has ever cared about what I wanted.

“Jordan, why don’t you go set the table,” Janette says, breaking the tension in the room.

“I’ll help you,” I quickly add. Jordan gives me a smile that makes my heart race. Maybe knowing I’m going to stick around will help break down the walls I’ve caused her to build.

Thanksgiving consisted of my parents, two aunts, an uncle from my father’s side of the family, Chase, and me. Being an only child that’s not married and has no children, our family is fairly small. My dad has an older sister and a younger brother, who came along with his wife, but none of my cousins are close enough to attend.

Being a small, tight-knit family, there wasn’t a person at the table that wasn’t aware of the history between me and Chase, but everyone treated him with kindness, which I don’t think Chase was expecting.

After dinner was over, the older adults headed to the family room to visit while Chase and I went for a walk down the beach.

“Your family is wonderful.” They are and I’m lucky enough to appreciate every moment I have with them.

“Thanks. How’s your mom doing?”

He takes a deep breath then sighs. “Ma says she’s okay, but I’m not sure I believe her. I was willing to go to Arizona or Florida today and spend time with her but she kept insisting she’s fine and wants to be alone.”

When Donna called and begged me to come see Chase, I wasn’t surprised at the lengths she’d go to make him happy. She loves her son and would do almost anything for him, except go against Steve. That’s why I’m still shocked that she’s asked him for a divorce.

“Your mother is a strong woman. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” Chase is acting awkward all of a sudden and I don’t understand why. “Do you want to go out on a date this weekend when you get back to the city?”

I chew on my lip for a moment. I knew he’d eventually ask me this, but that doesn’t mean I’m prepared to answer him. “I don’t know.” I breathe out a sigh. “Where you’re concerned, Chase, I don’t always use common sense. Have you ever heard of the saying, ‘Past behavior predicts future behavior’? If that’s the case, then I need to run far away from you.” I try to laugh off my remark, but we both know my words were anything but funny.

I see the pain in his face. “God, I hope I’m the exception to that rule.” His jaw tenses. “But ...maybe I’m not.” He gives me a sad smile.

“I still—God, Jordan, there’s so much I need to tell you. So much happened after ...after I left Oak Grove.” He swallows loudly. Chase’s body is coiled tight with tension as his mind drifts to his past; a past I wasn’t a part of. “I went off the deep end after we broke up, and I almost screwed up my life worse than I already had, but that’s a story for another day.”

“Did you get married? Do you have a child?” I nervously ask.

“God, no,” he rushes out, which instantly settles my nerves.

“You’ve made remarks about going off the deep end but I’m not sure you actually did as bad as you think you did.”

His eyes widen with alarm. “I didn’t get married and I don’t have a child, but I did fuck up big time, and if you’re willing to go out with me, then I’ll share my past with you. But make no bones about it, I’ll be hoping and praying you still want anything to do with me afterward.”

I’m not a nosey person, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I desperately want to know about Chase and the past that seems to haunt him.

While I’m trying to decide what to say, Chase takes my silence to mean something else. “Does your hesitation have anything to do with the guy that was at your apartment Sunday morning? Is he your boyfriend or something?” he asks, his nose scrunched up in what I think is disgust.

“He’s not my boyfriend but we have gone on a few dates,” I say with a shrug. Chase sighs but keeps his eyes locked with mine.

“He pissed me off, and I wasn’t kidding when I said I could be moody. I sent him a text after one too many drinks Saturday night and he showed up Sunday to apologize. However, as you already know, I wasn’t in the mood to listen to him.” I groan. I didn’t mean to tell him about Caleb, but the truth slipped right out of my mouth.

“I’m glad he’s not your boyfriend, but even if he was, I’d still fight like hell to win you back.” Kryptonite. Fucking kryptonite, that’s what this man is to me and this is exactly why.

“Chase, I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle the kind of heartbreak you dish out, and if you want me to be honest—right or wrong—I’m not sure I’ve forgiven you for hurting me.”

His eyes are gentle. “Good thing for you I’m better equipped than I once was. I won’t be dishing out any more heartbreak. I’m ready to serve up a happily ever after but only to one person, and I’m willing to wait however long that takes.”

I push back the tears that threaten to fall. I’ve waited a long time to hear those words, but now it’s time to decide if I believe him. “Okay, this weekend we’ll talk, but at this point, that’s all I’m promising.”

His shoulders relax and a grin forms on his face. “I’ll take it.”

I wet my lips and Chase’s eyes follow the path of my tongue. I clear my throat, causing his eyes to shoot straight to mine.

“Well, it’s starting to get late, so I better get back to the city,” he hesitantly says.

My heart drops to my stomach and I’m alarmed at how quickly my emotions flip because I’m already sad that he’s leaving when minutes ago I thought I was ready for him to go.

“Would you walk me in so I can say thank you to your parents?”

I nod my head yes. The walk to the house is made in silence. I glance over my shoulder as I open the door, only to find him staring at my ass, which causes me to burst out laughing.

“What’s funny, dear?” my aunt asks, but I shake my head and mutter a quick “Nothing.” I turn to look at Chase, finding humor in his eyes.

“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, for having me. I hope I get the chance to see you again.”

“You’re welcome here anytime, Chase,” my mother says. A full round of goodbyes happens then I walk him back out to his rental.

“Drive safe and I’ll talk to you soon,” I tell him.

“Goodnight.” His voice is soft, and I swear I can see lust and desire in his eyes. With another smile, he gets in his car and drives away, leaving my fragile heart a few beats away from cracking open.

A lesson I learned early in life is that money can buy you a lot of things, including information. For a steep price, I found out what floor and apartment Jordan lives on, and for an even steeper price, her neighbors were willing to move. Of course Jordan is unaware of this and hopefully, after I unburden my past on her, she’ll still want to see me, especially once she learns I’m her new neighbor.

Originally, I thought I would wait until I was positive I have a future with Jordan, but once she admitted the guy from the other day is someone she’s dating, I knew I needed to make sure I had an in. And what better way in could I have than living across the hall from her?

Hopefully, she’s not having sex with the guy because if she is and I have to listen to it, then I’ll head back to Asbury Park and borrow her dad’s gun to kill the asshole with it.

By the time Jordan returned late Saturday night, I had her old neighbors moved out, but I didn’t have enough time to move anything into my new place. I was inside the apartment when she returned, so I immediately sent her a text.

Me: I hope you made it back safely.

Seconds later, my phone signals a message.

Jordan: Actually, I just got home.

Me: Good. Want to get together tonight?

She replied the first time in a matter of seconds, but this time it’s taking her awhile. Knowing Jordan, she’s thinking about her response.

Jordan: Depending on where your hotel is, it could take you a while to make it here with the weekend traffic.

Instead of replying, I get up and walk out my door then knock on hers. A few seconds later, she opens her door with a startled expression. “The traffic wasn’t bad.” I can’t help the shit-eating grin that takes over while she stands there staring at me. “Can I come in?”

“Um ...sure,” she says, still confused. I turn and walk past her, leaving her to guess how I arrived so quickly. When I look around, I see a different version of her parents’ house. Everything is nice, neat, and clean, but her place also looks very relaxed.

“I can tell why you hated my house in Scottsdale so much. This place is incredible. I bet you decorated it yourself.”

I hear her draw in a breath before she finds her voice. “I live by myself, so of course I decorated my apartment.” I stop and take a long look at her. She can’t begin to understand how different she acts compared to a lot of people that have money. I lived alone and I paid a professional to come in and decorate my house. I ended up living in a museum.

I point with my eyes towards her sofa. “May I?”

“Of course. Sit down. Sorry, I’m still trying to figure out how you got here so fast and upstairs without the doorman ringing me.” There’s no sense in keeping anything from her. It will only do more harm later.

“I’m your new neighbor,” I proudly state.

Her eyes scrunch in confusion. “My new neighbor? What are you talking about?”

“I moved in across the hall.”

This time her eyes widen in shock. “The Kublers? You moved into the Kublers’ apartment? But ...where—?”

“They moved out, I moved in.” If I didn’t think it would piss her off, I would start laughing at the shocked expression she’s wearing.

“They moved out and you moved in?” she repeats like she’s testing out what I said.

“Yep.” Jordan slowly drags her hands through her hair in frustration and suddenly I’m regretting my decision to tell her about my new living arrangements.

“Do you think that was a smart idea? We haven’t even gone out on one date and you’ve already moved in next door?”

I knew she wasn’t going to be thrilled, but where this woman is concerned, I can’t seem to control myself. “I’ve lived in a lot of different places in the last ten years, but I never lived where I felt like I belonged. That changed today when I moved in next to you.”

I wait a moment, giving her a chance to process what I said. “I’ve been searching for a place where I could belong, and deep down I think I always knew that place could be anywhere in the world, as long as I’m near you.”

The room is silent except for the sounds of the bustling city below. Jordan is staring at me, appearing stuck between shock and annoyance by my invasion into her life.

“Why don’t you tell me whatever it is that’s been bothering you. Whatever has happened that you think will affect the two of us from having a future together.”

Her comment causes my stomach to turn. My past is about to collide with the future I’ve always dreamed of having and the thought scares me beyond belief.

I let out a long sigh and do my best to tamp down my nerves. I glance up and lock my eyes with hers, preparing myself for the moment that could ruin my chances with Jordan. As hard as this will be, it’s inevitable. I will do anything necessary to ensure we have a chance at the future I’ve imagined, even if that means sharing my darkest secret and deepest shame.