Living With Regret (17 page)

After almost six weeks without a cell phone, I broke down and bought a new one, which is currently buzzing with a text.

Lacey: Drinks tonight at Club Zen. Next weekend I’ll be in hell so I need tonight to last me awhile.

Lacey has amazing parents but her relationship with her three older sisters is less than desirable. When it comes to the Davis sisters, they’re always out to one up the other one, which makes for entertaining holidays. Well, entertaining to everyone that doesn’t have the last name Davis, that is.

Two years ago, when my parents went on a cruise over Thanksgiving, I went home with Lacey and had one of the most memorable holidays I’ll ever have. Lori, the oldest Davis sister, told her three younger siblings that none of them are capable of holding their alcohol as good as she can. Three bottles of vodka later, Jena was declared the winner because she was the only one that was able to recite the alphabet without messing up. For me, Thanksgiving morning was almost as hilarious as the night before when Mrs. Davis’s four daughters were taking turns in the bathroom getting sick, thanks to the delicious smelling turkey.

Lacey acts like she can’t stand her sisters, but deep down, no matter how crazy they behave, I know she loves them. Being an only child myself, I would love to have someone to bicker with at family holidays, and I remind Lacey of that every time she complains.

Me: Okay. I’ll be there by ten.

I was hoping earlier this week that Caleb would ask me to do something tonight to keep my mind on more satisfying things, but he’s working on a case that Lacey wasn’t assigned, and from the sounds of it, it’s turning out to be bigger than they originally thought. Being the low man in the group, Caleb had no idea how late he was going to work and didn’t want to disappoint me by canceling at the last minute.

During the last couple of weeks, Caleb and I have gone out on three official dates, but a day hasn’t passed since I purchased my phone that he hasn’t called or text me, and I’m discovering how much I really like him. There’s just one small problem ...I don’t feel any magic when we’re together. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, and he’s extremely attractive. I think if I would have met him before I went to Arizona then I would be head over heels in lust with the idea of him already, but sadly, that’s not the case.

I do like him, and I wish I liked him more, which is why I’m not throwing the towel in yet. If I’ve learned anything from Chase, it’s that love can hurt, and it’s not always equal. For now, I’m okay with how much Caleb seems to like me. Hopefully, with time, my feelings for him will grow into something more.

I come awake when I hear someone pounding on my door. I roll over and have to force my stomach to calm before I get sick.

Bang bang bang!

“Hold the fuck up. I’m coming,” I shout loud enough that whoever is at my door can hear me. My driveway is guarded by a gate that requires a passcode to open, which means whoever is here is someone I know.

I rub my hands over my face and slowly make my way to the door. Without looking through the glass, I yank the door open only to groan in frustration. “What the hell do you want?”

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Carrie purrs in a childlike voice.

“What’s wrong is you’re banging on my fucking door uninvited.” Carrie sticks her bottom lip out, thinking she looks cute.

“You used to love it when I stopped by to see you.” She smiles, trying to look sexy. “Let me come in and I’ll make all of your problems go away.” She takes a step forward as I put my hand up to stop her.

“Look, I’m trying to be nice here. Clearly we had fun, but whatever we shared is over. You need to move on and leave me the hell alone.” My voice is firm and I’ve lost what little patience I had with this chick. Outside of her smokin’ body and huge rack, I can’t for the life of me figure out why I would have entertained the idea of more than one night with her. She has greed written all over her.

“What are you talking about? We’re dating; you can’t just kick me out of your life?” Her words feel like a punch to the stomach.

“Yes, I can. Apparently, I’m a pro at kicking people out of my life.” Her eyes widen as panic sets in. “We’re over. I don’t want to see you again. Now get the fuck off my property,” I tell her as her mouth drops open as I slam the door shut.

I turn and head back to my bedroom with hopes of dying in peace. I no sooner crawl back in my bed when I hear my doorbell ring again.

“Fuck you,” I shout as my brain continues to pulse in my head. Carrie must be really fucking determined because she’s alternating between banging on my door and ringing the bell. With as much effort as I can muster, I push myself off the bed and head to the front door.

“Open this damn door right now!” Fuck me, it’s not Carrie ...it’s my mother. I’ve been avoiding her and most of the world for almost two weeks now, but she’s obviously here to check up on me, and I know she won’t leave until she’s seen me.

I open my front door to a very small but very angry woman. Donna Adams is a gentle woman that wouldn’t hurt a fly, but at the moment, I’m not sure that’s true, especially after she looks me over from head to toe.

“Hey, Ma! What are you out doing today?” I ask with a smirk on my face. I’m thankful it’s my mother and not Carrie this time, but truth be told, I’m not in the mood for either of them.

“Have you been drinking?” she asks with a shaky voice.

Of course I’ve been drinking, but I’m not about to admit to anything. “I’m a grown man, Mother. I’m allowed a drink when I want. But please, by all means, come in and bust my balls about it why don’t you.”

My mother gasps after my rather rude and definitely uncalled for comment, but the kicker is her glassy eyes.
Shit. Shit. Shit
. I did not mean to make her fucking cry. Without saying another word, she turns, ready to walk away.

“WAIT. Please don’t go. I didn’t mean what I just said. I’m pissed off and, unfortunately, I’m willing to take that out on anyone, including you.”

She hesitates, but after debating for a few seconds, she walks back up and comes inside. What a fucktastic way to start my day. First Carrie, then my mother. No, I haven’t been drinking today, but I’m hungover from drinking way too much last night—something I’m positive I shouldn’t have done.

“I’ve been worried about you. You haven’t returned a call or even a text in over a week. Jake told me he’s seen you a few times so I thought I would give you some breathing room, but I wanted to see for myself that you’re okay. But that doesn’t seem to be the case, especially after seeing that woman leaving.”

“She wasn’t here like that. She showed up and I refused to let her in.” Ma sighs with relief but I’m not okay; I’m barely hanging on. Last week, after reviewing my medical files, the NFL Commissioner deemed me not eligible to play the rest of the current season with next year already questionable. I might as well kiss my football career goodbye.

When the news was announced, my father practically went postal, blaming everyone, including me, for ruining my life. At that point, I made a stop at the liquor store where I’m positive the guy behind the counter thought I was throwing a massive party. I went home and started drinking my worries away.

That was last week. However, nothing has changed this week other than I haven’t left my house, even for my appointments with Wallace and Stein. I was only going in hopes of seeing the field again and that’s no longer the case.

“I’m fine. Pissed at the world, but otherwise fine.” I know my mother can see right through the show I’m putting on for her. Either way, she appears shaky and insecure about how to handle me. “Ma, I’m serious. I’ll be fine. I’m sorry I was a dick to you earlier.”

After my comment, she straightens her shoulders and gives me a confident smile then proceeds to rock my world. “I’m divorcing your father.”

“Whaaaaat?” I mumble out, not sure if I actually heard her correctly.

My father hasn’t been by to see me after his meltdown and I haven’t seen Ma in over two weeks. I have no idea if something has happened while I’ve been checked out on life.

“I’ve thought about this for a while now, but I’ve somehow always convinced myself I need to do what’s right. For him, for you, but now I’m going to do what’s best for me.”

My dad’s an ass, and I’m sure as fuck glad I’m not the one married to him, but I never imagined that my mom would leave him. “This is really what you want?” I question in concern.

Her eyes water to the point I’m shocked she’s not fully crying yet. “Chase, I’m not sorry for leaving your father, but I’m sorry for the horrible example we set.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve been the best mother a kid could ask for,” I say as I take a step closer to her.

“Mother, yes, but your father and I weren’t the best example as to how a married couple should act. I grew up believing that true love conquers all, then I met your father and he swept me off my feet, but it wasn’t the kind of love my mother convinced me existed. I was ready to break up with your father when I found out I was pregnant with you, so I stayed. For the most part, your father was a good man and he was able to provide for us in ways I wouldn’t have been able to do by myself, so I gave up the fairytale and decided to live in reality.” She sniffles and looks up into my eyes.

“The first time I ever witnessed the kind of love my mother told me about was when I saw how you looked at Jordan.”

I’m still a little drunk from the night before but hearing my mother’s last comment feels like another punch to my already sensitive stomach.

“I knew your father was dead set that the two of you should part ways before you left for school, and he somehow convinced me to go along with it. But I kept thinking they’ll be okay because I know true love conquers all.” Mom pauses to wipe a tear from her face.

“Do you remember what I told you the night before you broke up with Jordan? ‘If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they’re yours forever. If they don’t, then it was never meant to be.’” My eyes remain locked with my mom’s as she continues to fight back more tears.

“Chase, Jordan came back to you and you just let her go. You let her walk out your door without even a word from you. Why? Why on earth would you do that?” That’s not a question I want to answer because I’m not ready to admit what a coward I am.

“I’ll admit, it was harder than hell to get her on the phone, but once I did, she was by your side less than twenty-four hours later.”

Where Jordan is concerned, my anger has been replaced by guilt, and right now my mom is pouring salt on an open wound.

“From the second your father saw her, he acted like she was there to personally ruin your life, but she held her own. I knew then she wasn’t the same little girl I remembered. Instead, she’s a grown woman who’s as magnificent on the inside as she is on the outside.”

I slowly close my eyes in pain because every word my mother spoke is the God’s honest truth. Jordan is worlds better than me and as the fog finally lifted from my head, I remembered all the reasons I never contacted her. Every horrible thing I did to not only her but to other people came flooding back, and the bottom line is ...I don’t deserve her.

“Ma, with everything I’ve been through, it would be completely unfair of me to drag her down.”

Ma’s eyes flash. “Chase, don’t lose the woman God meant for you over some foolish pride. Football was never your dream. It was your father’s. Yes, you enjoyed playing it, but if you were truly given a choice, you would have picked Jordan a million times before football. And it’s clear, whether she wants to admit it or not, that she’s chosen you, too. She put her life on hold for you even after you broke her heart; she did that because true love really does conquer all. Don’t let that go, don’t sacrifice any more than you already have, and don’t worry about the things you can’t change. If I know Jordan like I think I do, then everything that happened while you were in school will be long forgiven because, honestly, it’s only you that hasn’t forgiven yourself.”

I’m positive I don’t deserve forgiveness, especially from Jordan. I take a deep breath and hesitantly say, “I’m not the same person she fell in love with.” My voice is weak as the emotional ride I’ve been on the last couple of months takes over.

“Of course you’re not. You’ve grown up; you’re worldly now. Not every decision you’ve made has been the right one but you’ve grown up and you can’t allow yourself to live in the shadows of your past. Forgive yourself for what happened and finally move on.”

To the outside world, college appeared to be an amazing time in my life, but truthfully, it was a struggle, a struggle I lost for a period of time.

“Chase, it’s time to let it go. Find that passion you once had and start living life. Your football career might have been shorter than you like, but you held a position that millions of men would die to have a shot at. You’re financially secure and you have a college degree. Now go get your girl and make yourself happy.”

I exhale loudly. “Are you going to be okay? I mean, without Dad?” I don’t want her to be unhappy but I still can’t come to terms with the idea that she’s actually going to divorce him.