Living with Shadows (13 page)

I
don’t
believe
you
are
an
evil
person,
Michael.
After
all,
you
gave
yourself
up,
and
from
what
you
say,
it
seems
as
though
no
one
knew
who
had
attacked
that
man.
That
shows
you
‘couldn’t
live
with
what
you’d
done’;
it
shows
you
have
a
conscience,
so
you
can’t
be
evil.

Also,
what
you
did
wasn’t
pre-meditated.
You
didn’t
set
out
to
kill
someone
that
night.
After
everything
that
had
happened
to
you,
especially
the
constant
lack
of
sleep
at
your
lodgings,
and
then
living
outside
in
freezing
weather
still
unable
to
sleep,
must
have
added
to
your
momentary
loss
of
control.

You
mustn’t
go
on
punishing
yourself
for
what
you
did.
I
know
that
to
take
a
life
is
a
terrible
thing
but
you
are
paying
the
price
for
what
you
did
and
I
believe
you
are
genuinely
sorry.

Just
try
to
concentrate
on
the
future.
One
day
you’ll
be
released
and
can
make
a
new
life
for
yourself.

Kate.

The next day Michael was first in class again. He seemed happy and relaxed for a change. She told him she had read his letter and joked that the punctuation had got worse since he’d practised it last week. He just grinned and said he could never do full stops and things.

She quickly passed him her letter which he immediately slipped into his folder. A sudden wave of dubiety passed over her at this covert exchanging of letters which had something of a conspiratorial nature. She hadn’t realised she was staring at him until he turned away, embarrassed. ‘I get the impression from your letter that you don’t have too high an opinion of yourself.’

‘You’re right there,’ he quipped.

‘Well, I think you’re being rather hard on yourself, so I’d like you to do something for me.’

‘Depends what it is.’ A suggestive look crossed his face.

I’d like you to write down ten good things and ten not so good things about yourself. Can you do that?’

‘I’ll give it a go but don’t be surprised if I get stuck on the good things.’

‘I’m sure you’ll think of something.’ She was about to offer some words of encouragement when the rest of the students began to filter through so she left Michael with his task and turned her attention to them.

As usual, the morning went quickly. Crow man wasn’t in class this morning. Apparently, he’d been sent to ‘the block’ for his involvement in some scam or other and wouldn’t be back on education for a week. At least the lads would get a break from his constant interruptions which, although generally amusing, were not conducive to study.

At the end of the lesson, Michael came over and left two sheets of paper on her desk. ‘Done it,’ he said, ‘but it was hard work. You always make me work hard. You’re a real slave driver. I bet that husband of yours never gets any peace with you around.’

The students began to file out of the room as she packed her things away. ‘That’s nothing to what I’ve got lined up for you next week.’

‘I can believe that.’ He thought a while before speaking. ‘If I was your husband I wouldn’t want you working in a place like this. Doesn’t he worry about you?’

‘I don’t think so, though he does sometimes tell me about jobs in colleges if he happens to come across them in the paper.’

‘There, I’m right. No husband who cared about his wife would want her to work in a prison. Have you applied for any of them?’

‘No. I usually forget about them or find they’re not suitable.’

‘You should try for something else. Anything would be better than working here, that’s for sure.’

‘You’re keen to get rid of me, aren’t you?’

‘You must be joking . . . I’d . . . we’d all miss you. You’re a great teacher.’

‘Well, I haven’t seriously thought about it. Besides, I enjoy working here.’

He suddenly went quiet and then blurted out something that was obviously troubling him. ‘I’m up in front of the Lifers’ Board a week on Friday.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I have to sit in front of a load of people, prison officers, doctor, chaplain and they ask questions about what I did and how I feel about it, stuff like that.’

‘And do you have a problem with that?’

‘It’s pointless. They ask the same questions every time and I’ve already told them what happened. I don’t see why I should tell them again. I hate it.’

‘Why?’

He kept playing with his pen, turning it over and over in his hands. ‘I get so nervous I feel sick. They’re all just staring at me and waiting for me to say something.’

‘Maybe, because you won’t talk to them, they think you don’t care about what you did. Why don’t you tell them you get nervous at these sessions?’

‘What? Tell them I’m scared of them? Naw. I’d rather say nothing.’

‘Do you want me to have a word with someone before then?

‘No. It won’t do any good. They’re a sadistic lot. They’d have a right laugh. No, don’t say anything to anyone,’ he insisted.

She assured him she wouldn’t. It was a stupid suggestion. Prison wasn’t a place where you could show any sign of weakness. Someone who had been bullied all his life would be very much aware of that.

An officer came to the door. ‘Hurry up, we’ve not got all day while you stand around chatting,’ he said, winking at Kate. Mac didn’t see the funny side. He turned on his heel and made for the door.

‘See you Monday,’ she called but he didn’t answer. She opened up the two pieces of paper and read the contents.

I think these are 10 goodish things about me I will let you decide on this

Get on well with people only if they are worth knowing

2. Trustworthy if someone tells me something I don’t tell anybody else.

3. To kind for my own good a few people have taken advantage of this.

4. I think Im a bit to polite as well

5. I dont know if this is good or bad I always put others before me if they need help

6. I think Im a bit to honest as people have often said so

7. I know Im to generous as well but again people have taken advantage of this

8. Yet again I dont know if this is good or bad always try to please others

9. I can be a loyal friend to anyone but never found anybody to trust up until now that is and that person is you Kate I wished I knew you outside

10. Id say I was a caring person I would help anybody in any wayI could which is something else people taken advantage of and this is why I am the way I am People have always taken advantage of my good nature.

I think these are some of my bad points I would never do any of this stuff for anybody but you Kate

1. Id say I am a bit to quite this is the way I have always been

2. I dont open up as much as I should do

3. I cant find many things that interest me

4. People say Im not positive enough.

5. I dont or cant mix with many people as I should do.

6. I find Im a very dull and boring person to know

7. I don’t get involved enough with things

8. I know Im a very hard person to get to know

9. Im not a person who has much confidents

10. I find I dont show my true feelings to people this is something Ive never ever showed in front of some one else its always when Im by my self

Kate carefully studied each of his comments. It isn’t easy to define one’s own traits but these were a pretty bleak testament as to how he saw himself. It was obvious he had difficulty interacting with people. She felt it must have been the years of abuse he had suffered as a child that had destroyed his trust in humanity. He’d built a wall around himself to protect what little there was left to hurt. The kind and caring aspect of him would be kept locked away inside because he couldn’t trust anyone not to abuse it. She also knew something about building walls, how to retreat inside oneself. It can be seen as stubbornness but it’s simply a form of self preservation, a device to prevent oneself from getting hurt.

Perhaps she could get Michael to interact more in class through discussion. Maybe if he listened to other people’s experiences and opinions, it might open his mind.

As she walked out of the classroom, she asked herself what it was she was trying to achieve. Jim was right, she was no psychologist, but she had to try to help him be more positive, which was more than anyone else seemed to be doing here for all their talk of prison being a place of rehabilitation.