Living with Shadows (11 page)

The other shed housed all the gardening equipment. There were two plots for vegetables as well as a greenhouse where he grew tomatoes, cucumbers and chrysanthemums. Those flowers always reminded her of their weekly visits to hospital to see Peter, the car heavy with their scent.

As she stared across the lawn she could see her father digging. He wore an old pair of trousers that had belonged to a suit and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows, the neck wide open. His dark hair fell onto his brow where beads of sweat glistened in the sunlight and muscles in his thickset arms rippled with every plunge of the spade. Further down the garden her brothers James and Ken played cricket while Peter rode up and down in his pedal car. Then her mother came out with a huge basket of washing and hung it on the line, her fingers nimbly jabbing pegs onto each item until the basket was empty and she returned inside to carry out her next chore. She rarely stopped from morning till night. And she saw herself, a skinny nine year old, playing two balls against the side of the house with an imaginary friend.

These visions seemed so real, as though she were really there, living it all over again. There was always activity and laughter in the garden, except in later years and as soon as that thought crossed her mind, the picture changed; her father sitting in a garden chair looking old and feeble; James perched on a stool in the greenhouse, his grey features staring out onto a partly dug patch of garden, abandoned for now until he recovers from the latest virus; and a small red pedal car, motionless, its tiny occupant too weak to pedal, waiting for someone to come and push him around the garden.

‘The squirrel was back yesterday. I hadn’t seen it for weeks,’ her mother said as she put the plates on the table.

Her thoughts broken, Kate sat down. She wondered if her mother relived their lives in the garden when she looked out for the squirrel. ‘Don’t you ever think you’d like another dog for company?’ Her mother never went anywhere nowadays except when taken shopping or the weekly visit to one of her children for Sunday dinner.

She thought for a moment before replying. ‘The best dog I ever had was Brownie. She always walked by my side . . .’

Kate grimaced as her mother went off into one of her stories. How the dog killed a rat in a neighbour’s garden, and how he couldn’t thank her and Brownie enough as he’d been after that rat for weeks and couldn’t catch it. Every week she would tell the same stories, word for word—stories about her family, the blitz, Land Army, her two jobs in factories, bicycle accidents, schooldays. Which ones she told would depend on what Kate said to stimulate a particular memory. She only had memories of certain bits of her past. Kate never interrupted, said she’d heard them all before, knew them off by heart. Instead she listened as though she were hearing them for the first time. Besides, what was the alternative? Talk about her job, Jim’s job, or tell her Ben had split up with Marianne and she’d had to lend him a load of money but daren’t tell Jim? She would have forgotten all of it before the next visit. And anyway, these things were just part of everyday life. Her mother had experienced it all, and more.

‘Will you have some apple pie?’

‘Yes, please.’ The dirty plates were taken away. Kate watched her mother shuffle back into the kitchen with them. Sickness, now that was something she never forgot about. If Kate happened to mention one of them was ill, her mother would be on the phone every day with a list of tried and tested remedies,—‘rub Vic on his chest’, ‘get some good cough medicine’, ‘see she keeps warm’. She hadn’t always got it right. When James was fifteen he complained of bad stomach ache. She told him it was wind and gave him a mint. A few hours later he was rushed to hospital with a burst appendix.

Kate remembered a time she did get it right—a time she would never forget. Ben was almost three years old. He’d always been chesty. On this occasion he wasn’t getting any better in spite of antibiotics. Also, she’d had a dream, a very vivid dream. She had gone upstairs into Ben’s bedroom. At the side of his cot sat a giant spotted dog. Instinctively, she knew he was in danger and must get the dog out of his room, but as she approached it the steel bars on the sides of the cot broke apart and began dropping to the floor. She made a dash towards the cot, snatched Ben up into her arms and ran out of the room.

The day after that dream, Kate rang her mother. As children they’d had everything from whooping cough to measles and so she was sure her mother would know what to do. It was obvious he was quite poorly although Ben’s father insisted it was just a cold and he’d be fine. The fact that he was propped up on the sofa staring up at the light, showing no interest in anything or anyone, didn’t seem to be the symptoms of a cold. On her way out her mother quietly asked Kate to take him to the doctor if he was no better in the morning. He wasn’t. He’d been feverish all night and when Kate picked him up he screamed in pain.

The doctor wasted no time in sending for an ambulance. Ben had meningitis and was slipping into a coma. At the hospital they found her a room and she stayed overnight. She hadn’t been in bed long when a nurse came in and suggested she should sit with Ben. Too scared to ask questions, Kate reached for her dressing gown and followed her down the corridor. Ben was lying in his cot, naked. The room was dimly lit, the only sound the whirring of a fan as it twisted from side to side sending cool air over his body. She sat by the side of the cot and held his tiny hand. It felt so hot. It was Halloween, the night of witches and demons and she willed Time to speed up and send them hurtling beyond the witching hour into All Saints Day where somehow she knew he’d be safe. Fanciful, maybe, but it’s what she believed. So she prayed like mad until she must have fallen asleep because the next thing, a nurse was gently waking her. Her prayers had been answered.

A few days later they watched fireworks from a hospital window. Rockets and fountains lit up the sky and Ben chuckled and pointed to the brightly coloured sparks before they melted into blackness. At that moment Kate remembered feeling as though life was no more than a series of dreams, a journey in which we travel through periods of darkness and light. She was aware she had just been through one of the blackest periods of her life but was now standing in light. She later discovered that another name for meningitis is ‘spotted dog’. It was the trauma of almost losing her child that persuaded Kate to have another. Sam was born nine months later.

Her mother returned with the apple pie, bought at the bakery. When they’d finished eating they would go into the front room and her mother would resurrect another tale or two from her past, a past which Kate had worked out only seemed to cover one and a half decades of her life, between the ages of eleven and twenty six, just before she married her father. Had they been the best years of her life? Surely not. There had to be more to life than that.

She would stay for about an hour before leaving; glad to escape the monotony of the stories yet with a hint of sadness knowing her mother would spend the majority of another week alone.

3
rd
April

Well I suppose I better start at the beginning well I think I told you a bit about the landlady from hell who I lived with for a few years She must have been well in her 60’s she was a right bitch and her lazy bastard of a son I know I could have got another place to live but hated the thought of living by my self anyway I had a right argument and decided to leave it wasn’t untill later in the day I realised I had no where to stay I could have asked my reletives they didn’t want me to stay at their place in the first place that’s how I ended up with that bitch who I just left well here I was spending my first night out on the street I thought shit where am I going to go and what about sleep it was november and it was fucking cold there was frost on the ground early in the morning so there was no chance of sleep I have to admit I tried sleeping on a bench at a shopping centre it was like trying to sleep in the north pole I had to keep walking with my hands in my pockets it was that cold this was when winter was winter well I never sleept that night I just kept walking and walking what made it worse I only had about a tenner on me I was on the dole and I still had a week before I got paid so I went in this supermarket for some cigs and I see all this nice food but this tenner I had I had to make it last then I heard this little voice in my head say lets nick some food its not like they are gonna miss it when I thought about it my hart was pounding like mad I kept looking around to see if any body was watching so what I did I got a shopping basket there was no way I was going to stick things up my jumper so I went around like an ordinary shopper so I did not look out of place all the time I was shaking like a leaf I hated doing this but I could not see any other solution so it had to be done I looked at it like Robin Hood like borrowing from the rich and providing for the poor well any way there was these packet of pork pies yum yum I love them and some of those fancy sandwiches a few packets of them and some other stuff anyway the basket was half full and now I had to get out of the shop with out getting caught I walked by the checkout and there was one shut with a little chain across it I stept over it and headed straight for the door I did not dare look back I thought my hart was going to explode it was pounding like mad I kept walking and it was one of those revolving doors I just steped in and started to walk faster and faster I still did not dare look back I was expecting someone to tap me on the shoulder I think I would have died if that happened When I was far away from the shop I sat down and had a smoke I was shaking now I could just about hold my ciggy strange thing is I did not feel the cold for a while I dont want this to sound the way it does but I got a great high from what I just did I knew this food would not last long I knew deep down that I was gonna have to go through this again this was my first day on the street all I had to my name was some spare gear to wear now I had to get a wash so I went down to the hospital and fucked off to the toilets to get a wash or down the shopping centre anywere so I could get washed I did not want to be like these other people on the street smelly and dirty so Id go down the launderette to get some washing done I liked going there it was peaceful and warm it was a bit scary living on the streets the only thing I had on me to make me feel safe was this knife I found this was to prove my down fall in the end as you will find out later well I was probably into my third night on the street and well the food I had was all gone by now I was using what little money I had on ciggys only so I had to be Robin Hood again so I went back to this large shopping centre again I waited till it was busy so I would not stand out in the crowd my hart was still pounding but not as bad as the first time this time I needed more food than before so I would not have to do it again this time I got a shopping trolley and loaded that up you might wonder how I was gonna get this out well you werent the only one I surprised myself I walked past this checkout the person serving was busy so I went past this gap there were these customers looking at me while they were being served I prayed to god they wouldnt say anything and they never there was this one old bloke I caught his eye he had this smirk on his face I think he knew what I was doing he never said anything I thought that was close so heres me pushing this trolley out off the shop and down the road I still got this high from doing this I had this great rush of adrellaline going through me I had about five shopping bags full of food plus early in the morning Id see this milkman do his stuff I went past this chipshop at 6 in the morning and got some milk then the newspapers sitting outside this shop so I grabbed a few papers to read I love reading newspapers even if they are not mine dont think I steal of anybody I would not it was just I had to look after number one Ive never did anything like this since and I dont intend to either you have to understand my perdicament at the time I hope you dont hate me for this Id hate to lose you as a friend I do think a lot about you all good things of course?

So Im still on the street and its getting colder and I was getting really pissed off with life if I knew my life was going to be like this I would have ended it a long time ago I had a right shitty life so I only had one thing on my mind and that was to end it I had no one to turn to or go to I was all alone for the first time and the way I saw it at the time no one was going to miss me I was not feeling sorry for myself Id been feeling pretty low for a while I know now I was feeling very depressed as each day went by I was getting more and more depressed so I bought yes a load of tablets and some booze I waited till night so nobody would see me not that they would and just downed most the tablets and drink and waited I just lay on the grass looking up at the sky and waited to die I fell asleep I dont know how long for but I woke up feeling very sick I just lay there being sick over and over I brought most of the tablets up not that I wanted to I new I was not going to die now I knew I really couldnt do anything right I was devastated I went for a wash I looked really bad I hardly had a couple of hours sleep in 3 or 4 days I felt shattered I was in a right shitty mood.