Living with Shadows (27 page)

Now they were back in the classroom, she had to revert to being tutor rather than friend, and he just one of the students. It wasn’t that in those visits to the hospital there had been anything untoward between them; it was just that, as before, she could not show any favouritism or give more attention to one person than another; she had to be seen to be keeping a professional distance from him, as the system dictated.

She now knew quite a bit about Michael’s life but he still wanted to carry on writing and on his first day back he gave her a letter which began by giving painful details about his trial, something she had asked about on her last visit to him in hospital. He soon lapsed into a more personal account of his life, along with his fantasies. Recently, he’d begun to make sexual remarks in class and only that morning he’d made some quip that she passed off without comment. She now realised that this might have been seen as a sign of encouragement. Another disturbing aspect was when she read something factual he’d written about her or a member of her family. Sometimes she would tell him something about her life in order to make him feel better or to show him that everyone has problems. This brought to mind another warning from the security talk. Never tell them anything about yourself.

16
th
May

I remember a lot about going to court before I got sentenced to life it was a frighting experience I had to listen to all these things I did to this poor man I could not believe it was me they were talking about standing or sitting in court I was shaking like mad I knew I had did this horrible thing and there was nothing I could do to change this I remember the final day and all these people who came along to see me get life none of these people knew me or the victim they all come for there own pleasure I could never do this I kept thinking when I was in court why do’nt they just find me guilty and get it over with my Mum and her brother were there I thought when Im found guilty how she was going to feel at the end of it it did not help when all these people in court describe me as some horrible monster and nothing but evil and cold blooded person of course they were right It was then when I heard the judge say I sentence you to life in prison I did not think much about it at the time I did feel numb and cold all 12 people on the jury found me guilty it took them less than a minute to make there minds up I could not believe my life could get any worse I had nothing but shit all the way through it anyway once the judge said them words I thought thats it I wont see my family again I wont be able to do some of the few things I enjoyed then I thought you selfish bastard you just killed someone he’s got no life at all you took that away from him I’ve no excuse Im the lowest of them all like the judge said you are a cold evil murder who deserves life with the key thrown away you should rot in jail for your crime he did not say this but this is what I thought they would like to have said anyway court had finished and I was led away they let me see my Mum this is not actually true I thought well who’s going to want to know me I did not want to see my Mum how could I look her in the eye now I felt so ashamed of myself I could not understand why she still wanted to see me I would not have blamed her if she did not want to know me any more I was the black sheep of the family thats the way I looked at it and still do when she came and saw me I wanted to put my arms around her and say how sorry I was but thats something we have never done my Mum has never showed effection to any of us and us the same it sounds strange thats how its always been I’ve never put my arms around anybody and I probably would not know how to anyway well when I saw my Mum I expected to see her upset but that was not the case she was fine or she put on a good act it was like nothing happened she did not ask how I was I never asked how she was it was like neither of us wanted to show are feelings it was like meeting for the first time like how are you what you been up to then that kind of thing this is what I mean we have never been taught to show effection in our family well when I was put in the back of the van to go to jail I just staired out the window I could not talk I had some bloke next to me trying to talk to me but I was miles away I could not stop thinking about prison and how long I was going to have to do and thought how was I going to cope I was going to a place with all these strange people I was not used to dealing with being around men when I got to this prison in London I did not come out of my cell I could not It took me a while to get over this it was probably all the things people used to tell me about prison when I was outside like what some of these people do to you when your in the shower but I now know this is a load of rubbish I was more worried about having to get changed in front of all these people while we were all going for a shower because of what I told you about me being small down below I had to make sure I was first in the shower and last out I would stand facing the wall so no one would see my small embaressment I really hated shower time it was a personal nightmare for me its like while Im down in this hospital I youse the shower every morning but with the light out or if I have to get a cell search they strip search you as well but you take one thing of at a time this is why my tee shirts are always long so when I take this of first then put it back on while I take the other stuff of one at a time I find this embaressing as well you might find this situation funny I hope you do it stresses me out badly I told you all this before I still can’t believe all these girls I turned down when I was outside if I was like I am now it would not bother me one bit about my small problem like I said there is now woman I could not satisfie on this earth they would not have to pretend to have an orgasm they would have no need to fake it what I lack down below I more than make up for in other ways I was only thinking this morning who needs Viagra being married to you you are a compleat turn on. When I was in the class I couldnt help looking at you you dress and look so very sexy XXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX even though I only did it with one girl I still had a little fun like the time I lived in Birmingham there was this one girl who I knew fancied me for what reason I could not say Anyway this girl kept coming around to see me . . . and one day I just happen to have the place to myself well we got talking like I say I never felt anything for this girl she was more of a good friend than anything my landlady liked her she used to help out a lot and she was the only girl who was allowed in my bedroom cause my landlady knew there was nothing between us anyway I remember her saying to me once not to let her drink the hard stuff I had drink in the house and offered her it she took it and much more as well anyway she started getting a bit playful with me I tried to hold her back but I thought to heck with it lets see how far this gets so anyway she starts kissing me I thought shit what am I going to do now well considering it was a while since I went out with any girl since that girl I told you about the wicked bitch so I was not sure wheather to stop this before it got any further then she stops kissing me and sits up and takes her top off my heart was now pounding like mad and she was not even wearing anything under her top you know what I was thinking at the time do friends do this kind of thing stupid arnt I well she looked well so good Im seeing her in a different light now I wanted to touch her but I kept thinking shit she will want to touch me and Im not proud of what I’ve got so I was in two minds what to do so I thought sod it when it gets up. My thing that is its a reasonable size for some girls so I squeezed her breast gently I found myself lying her on the floor I went in the kitchen for some ice cubes you know what comes next well if you want to know I will tell you only if you want that is you will have to say wheather you want to hear what happens next I can tell you this for nothing you never seen anyone squirm so much in your life Then Id go home look long and hard in the mirror and think what could she possibly see in me she must have been very desperate . . . lets see now what else can I think about to tell you you already know so much about me I will try and think of something you dont know about me Well what about this my Mum asked my cousin around to look after us while she went out to bingo all the rest of my sisters went to friends house’s and my brother went out with his mates this cousin happened to be well you guessed it a girl she was 19 I was only 15 at the time She was a randy cow I always seemed to attract these people you know she wanted to play doctors and nurse’s with me I was very very shy at this age and she knew it she once took all her clothes of for me she was very rude she would ask me to do all these rude things but I never had a clue what she was talking about at the time she knew how to make even me blush she was not the only cousin I had who’se hormones were all over the place I had this younger cousin a year younger than me she was the same must have been something in the water over here she would come around when she knew my Mum went out and even the woman next doors daughter as well Im not even gods gift to women but I could have had quite a few if it was not for my small problem your a woman you see nothing in me just say you wernt married I never asked any of these girls why they wanted me . . . and its like this other woman she had four kids and she fell for me she wanted me to live with her but I dont think so she was 26 I was only turned 21 I was naïve and to young for that kind of relationship and then this other woman had three kids she wanted me as well she would wait till her boyfriend went out then she would ask me over she would have eaten me alive if you know what I mean she was a man eater Im glad I resisted her charms because a while later I heard she gave some guy some sexual desease which I’ve never had I would never use a condom and anyway they don’t come in my size it would probably fall off anyway I wish I had this affect on all the women I’ve met well the only reason Im going on so much here is because Im down here in this dorm for five and Im the only one left so Im by myself and only you to talk to even if it is only on paper Im on my 8
th
page already and its not even 9 o’clock yet and at least my love life is back on again being in here alone again I told you in that other letter how many times a day I do it I told you it’s the most natural thing to do especially when you have no partner Im always at it when there is nobody else around Somebody once told me I will go blind or it will fall off it does not make much difference to me if it fell off there’s not that much left anyway what else can I waffle on about now . . . I felt I’ve knowen you a long time now I remember when I started to notice you as a good person and friend was remember when they decorated the education and classes were on the wings remember well I do very well I remember class had finished on the wing and when I got back to my cell I felt really guilty for leaving you over on the wing sitting by yourself I had no idea they took so long to come and pick you up so I decided I would wait till someone come for you I only did it because I thought well if I was you on the wing and you being a woman and all I would not have felt very comfortable by myself so I decided to look after you until someone come for you I felt a bit shy about telling you this at the time I think that teacher who kept picking you up must have thought I was some kind of weirdo but I know I’m not I just like looking out for people I have to admit something you have brought me out of myself even if it is only in front of you I remember I was very shy around you and I could never have told you any of this at the time but now I can talk to you about anything its like I talk to you in class and I forget there are other people in there . . . I have to stop one minute this guy on the telly is starting to undress this woman what a let down it was all over before it started the boring git I would not mind but not one person down here has any girlie magazines my imagination is running thin no hold up I’ve just thought of someone not a million miles from here she has this fantastic black top but puts it away for week ends I will have to ask if I can have classes at the week ends well you might think Im being nosey now what I was going to ask was how did you and your hubby meet and how much older is he than you I never felt that comfortable around people my own age I always got on better with a more mature person if I was going out with someone 20 years older than me it would not bother me one bit and I would not care what other people thought about it either if someone is happy with the other person then that’s all that matters Im not looking for a motherly type of woman I just find the more mature women more attractive than the younger ones I hope Im not being to personal tell me to mind my own business if you like . . . anyway that stuff you mention the other day about trying for a job at some college you will get it no problem you are a very smart woman and a great teacher the only thing is we might lose you as our teacher and it would be strange coming into the class and finding you not there any more Ive enjoyed seeing your warm smile first thing in the mornings you make dull days bright you really do no joking theres been plenty of times I have come in the class feeling a bit down you have this something about you and you cheer everyone up with your laugh or you might say something funny you always seem jolly even when I know there is something up with you you don’t bring your problems to work you are very popular with everyone you are a very valuable teacher and person . . . I’ve done work for you I never thought I could do like poems I never did anything like this before they maybe rubbish and you got me doing other work I never had the confidence to do but you kept pushing me to do the work and now I wonder what all the fuss was about you are so confident in me that when I fail to do the work I don’t feel I’ve let myself down I feel I’ve let you down because you have so much faith in me I hate letting you down this is the way I am I do things to please others not myself . . . you reckon you did not wish to tell me your life story cause you thought it would bore me well it could not be as boring as mine thats for sure . . . anyway this maybe the last time I write this kind of stuff for you cause once you get that other Job you will be way to busy for anything else I’ve enjoyed doing this for ya and I also enjoyed reading your stuff maybe you could give your views on this for the last time Ive said your talents are wasted here at this place I hope you don’t mind me talking like this Im talking to you like this as if I was a good friend of yours outside Ive never forgot the fact that you are my teacher and I also have not forgot you are happily married as well I never had anybody who I could really talk to before or ever like this Im sorry if I seem to be to open or a bit to forward this is just the way I really am so take it easy and take good care of that family of yours as you all ways have