Living with Shadows (31 page)

would you be happy if you did not have much money?

what are your 5 main intrests in life what is it you enjoy doing the most? do you enjoy a good argument and do you usually win them? if you could live your life over again what would you change about it and why? whats the worst thing about being a mother and why? How do you feel when people say you are really sexy? because you really are Kate take it from me I know. What would you change about yourself if you could and what would it be? for you whats the biggest thrill in your life at the moment? and what would you do if your numbers come up on the lottery?

Well I don’t expect you to answer any of these as I know you wont but you have to admit there are some questions you might not think someone would ask you but I would have like to know some of the answers people or should I say me are very curious about other people or is it I’m just being plain nosey on my behalf now you know what sort of things I would ask you if I had the chance have I sent you to sleep yet I have that kind of affect on people you know well education was crap this morning first I arrived to early and had to go back to the hospital then when I finally get there Peter is filling in for John who is still of sick that Peter is alright I think he is funny anyway we had not sat down for long and we were told we are going back to the wing so everybody is ready to leave then we are told we are going know where so we all went back to class then 10 minutes later we are told again we are all going back to are cells what a carry on I feel sorry for those cookery classes having to put everything away then told to get it all out again then being told to put all the things back again I think they were all pissed off I don’t think these screws have a brain cell between the lot of them they could not organise a piss up in a brewery talking about me being that bit more confident in the class with reading and other things well its all down to you you sort of put me on the spot to read out in class you being around I feel that much more confident I told you John tryed to get me to read but I can get out of anything with John no problem but you no way you are hard work but I did tell you you just got to keep on at me and pushing me to do things that’s what you are good at anyway I don’t think you like giving up on anyone you are very stubborn you always get your way I can see I don’t mean this as an insult to you this is a good thing being a teacher but if all else fails you can always bring your whip in with you I will be first in line don’t worry about that Id gladly be your slave your wish is my command anyway what I was saying its all down to you for me being that bit more I even notice I talk that bit more than I would normally all thanks to you you done something all the other teachers could not do make me talk while others are still in the class which is something I did not like doing before one more question I thought of do you get more than one valentines card each year and if you do do you know who your secret admirers are? what do you really think of some of my questions I hope they are not to personal lets see now what other rubbish can I bore you with I told you when I was outside that I enjoyed walking for miles and miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles

well as you can see I liked to walk until I could walk no further theres no one who could last the pace I here you enjoy walking Id keep you fit if I had the chance to go walking somewhere with you I dont think you would last very long I probably would have to carry you home when I say I walked for miles outside I really did it was a lot of fun and kept me very fit listen I dont want you to bother looking at them questions it was a load of shit which come out of my head as you can see every page is full of crap as far as I’am concerned I should really get rid of them pages but knowing you you will want to know what was on them so when I see you I will let you know the kind of things I have done on these pages if you don’t like them I will just rip them up in front of you as I should do with the rest of this trash that bit in your letter were you said you found my stuff most interesting but not the bits I might think you have no need for saying sorry its like if we both read the same book you might find things in it more interesting than me or I might find something in it that I like and you won’t we all like different things in life or we would all be very boring if everybody liked the same thing Im glad you found some of that written stuff interesting Im glad it brought a smile to your face I did not think you wanted to find out how far I went with the girl the one I used the ice cube on I don’t blame you really that thing you were on about me clarifying my two versions of the story on someones advice it was probably the second worse thing I’ve done how could I have been so stupid by letting someone tell me I should listen to them and letting them change my first story to a compleat pack of lies I always hated lying this other person sounded like he knew what he was talking about he was one of these people who sounded very convincing he made me think if I bull shited my second statement that I might get less time in jail but at the time I was not sure about this I believe if you do wrong you pay for it no matter what and he got me to change my plea of guilty to tell my soliciter Im changeing it to not guilty because I had no idea of prison and the law I really thought at the time this was how it was done but when I went to court I suddenly realised what I had done I told you I was made to look a compleat lier so what ever I said then it would have made no difference at all because I was nothing but a liar in all there eyes in court so I only have myself to blame if I would have stuck to what I was going to say in the first place who knows this is why I don’t like hanging round with other prisoners it was these sort of people who fucked me up in the first place not all of them are like this but now I don’t really listen to the advice they have to give anymore so what else can I make you smile about lets see now that stuff I mention about me in Belfast going for walks in very quiet place’s and going for swims bollock naked and even walking about like this you might think he must have some balls to do this well I had not this is something I liked doing as long as the place was deserted and I would also walk around the house naked like this of course when nobody else was in and I made sure the front and back door were locked I would not answer the door for anyone you probably wonder why I did this kind of thing well it was such a turn on for me it really was Im sure Im not the only person who does this I know women who do it you might think well if you can walk around outside naked why would I bother about my small dick well no one ever saw me at least I don’t think so I suppose you have never done nothing like this this thing about you feeling ancient teaching a bunch of 16 year olds well I can tell you your not ancient you still look like your in your 20’s I notice you dont ware that much make-up believe me you dont need it the natural look suits you so let your hair go grey don’t be so vain I dont know what Im talking about if I could get hold of brown hair dye I would use it but Im not one bit vain thats why I stand in front of the mirror and it blushes when I look in it only kidding I’ve broke so many mirrors I only go out when its dark well this dorm Im staying in is nearly empty all but for one person he says he might be going today I hope so my love life has gone up the spout since these lot moved in I hope you don’t mind me telling you this I did tell you before theres nothing wrong with it everybody does it its all very natural us men wernt just given our—or should I say boy—just to wee and do nothing else with it if you have a partner you are okay sometimes but concidering my situation Ive not much choice and anyway I enjoy it a lot as long as I dont go blind or hope it does not fall off anyway I hope you are still smiling well I got cookery again this afternoon but my probation is meant to be coming to see me you know that woman I told you about I bet you anything she wants me to start going on these boring lifers meetings again I know it I can feel it in my blood they say I have to do these courses but there rubbish when I go on them I get butterflys badly I feel sick my mouth goes dry Im so nervous Im shaking with fear I start sweating my T.shirt is usually soaked so this is why I say they are rubbish Id rather sit in a lions cage kiss your feet anything as long as its not one of these wast of time course’s I know I have to do them but its not as if they do anything its not like education were you learn something and get something out of it I’ve learned more here on education than I ever did at school thats a fact you say I wont have much problems attracting women when I’am 40
thank you
so lets say for arguments sake say you was not married would I have any problem attracting you forgetting the fact Im a prisoner Im not saying this to boost my ego because I dont have one that I know of yet you know me Im not one bit big-headed about anything you know me I don’t beat around the bush I come straight to the point when I want to I would say what was on my mind Id be way to open and honest for some peoples liking Id tell people what I really thought about them I know there are 2 sides to me the quiet one and bit shy one then there is the side that you have heard thats the one that writes all this everybody has two sides to them like theres a side of you which I probably wont see well Im sorry I’ve gone on to much again its beginning to come a bit of a habit but a good one I hope anyhow I dont know what you are going to make of this rubbish like I said pay no attention to them questions as I know you won’t well keep smiling and take care

until next time

I should be so lucky

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your friend

M A C

After a restless night at the hotel, Jim set off for work late next morning. His head ached from too many drinks but he felt clearer in his mind about what he should do. He would help Ben, providing he was prepared to help himself, and he would get in touch with Sharon, despite her mother. There was one other thing he must sort out.

He knew he had to take his responsibilities as husband and father, and now grandfather, more seriously before someone got hurt. This business with Helen must end but the prospect of telling her tore him apart. He had always tried to do the right thing and regardless of problems at home, this affair was not the answer. He cared for Helen, had even considered the possibility of something more, but his circumstances had changed. He and Kate must try to reconcile their differences, get back to how it used to be before they allowed everyone else’s problems to come between them.

When he let himself in, he was greeted by the smell of fresh coffee. He walked into the kitchen expecting to see Helen sitting at the table browsing through one of her fashion magazines but she wasn’t there. She was probably working and he was in no hurry to disturb her. Though he had gone over what he would say to her a dozen times, actually speaking face to face would not be easy for him.

Jim was working on the conservatory. He picked up his toolbox and went out through the dining room. The main structure was in place and today he was fitting the glass. He reckoned he had a few more months before the job was finished, unless Helen decided to pay him off.

Two hours went by and she still hadn’t appeared. Her car was on the drive so he assumed she could not be far away. He wondered if she was avoiding him, annoyed because he hadn’t answered her calls. It was the first time she had rung him during a weekend and if he had been at home he might have picked up on the fact that something must be wrong for her to try and contact him there. He began to feel uneasy. His thoughts no longer lingered over how to break things off with her; they now took a more sinister turn as it occurred to him that something might have happened to her. This notion pressed on his mind until he could think of nothing else. Unable to concentrate on work any longer, he decided to look for her. As he strode back into the kitchen he was aware of the utter silence within the house. Usually he would hear the hum of her sewing machine or her footsteps on the stairs, the radio, some sign that she was nearby, but today as he stood and listened there wasn’t a sound. He went to the bottom of the stairs and called her name. On hearing no reply he went up to her workroom and tapped on the door. Slowly, he turned the handle. It was locked. Turning away, his eyes fell on Helen’s bedroom door further down the landing. He approached it with a feeling of dread. His heart beat rapidly as he tapped on the door and called her name. He thought he heard a muffled cry and called her name softly, fear rising in him. Again there was no answer so he carefully opened the door and stepped inside. Helen lay huddled under the duvet and turned her head towards him. Her bruised face was wet with tears and she gave a loud sob as he hurried towards her.