Living with Shadows (37 page)

‘I’m not sure about the hat,’ Kate said trying to arrange it without the aid of a mirror.

‘It’s fine,’ he said fixing her with a strange look, a sad look . . . no, a sorrowful look . . . yes, that was it.

She turned away. ‘I’ll see to this,’ she told him reaching in the cupboard for glasses. ‘Now, please hurry up and get ready.’

‘Save some for me; I have a speech to make, remember.’

Kate opened the window and called Sharon in from the garden where she was still sitting reading, Louise asleep in her buggy next to her. ‘Your dad’s back. Fancy a glass of champagne?’

‘I’ll say,’ she answered, snapping her book shut and turning the pram towards the house.

Kate poured out the champagne taking care not to let it spill over the rims as a fury of bubbles leapt to the top of the glasses. ‘Would you mind taking these upstairs to the girls?’ Kate took two glasses from the tray for her and Jim.

‘Love to.’ Sharon picked up the tray of effervescent drinks and followed Kate upstairs. Squeals of approval came from the girls’ room sending a wave of contentment over Kate. The morning’s hectic schedule was almost over, now eclipsed by a state of nervous excitement. How sweet of Jim to think of champagne, she thought.

She walked into their bedroom to find him naked, hurriedly stuffing clothes into the laundry basket. He looked up, startled, guilty, as though caught in the act . . . She wondered why. If anything, he should look embarrassed. With all these females careering around, it could quite easily have been one of them walking in and catching him in the buff.

As she handed him his drink, she leaned forward to kiss him but he stepped back and grabbed his dressing gown.

‘I need to get showered, love. I’ll take this with me. Won’t be long.’

Kate was left with the image of his naked body, his tanned face, arms and chest contrasting with the whiteness of his abdomen and legs. She heard water hit the shower cubicle with force and imagined him stepping in and reaching for the soap, soon to be enveloped in steam, water, lather; his gleaming body shiny as armour in sunlight. If only he’d come home sooner. Laughter from the next room crushed that line of thought and she lay back on her pillow, sipped her champagne and made a giant leap to the evening when they would be back here in this room.

Finally, everyone was ready. Kate stared with admiration at Sam and her bridesmaids. They were beautiful, like something out of a film and she was moved to tears. Where had all the years gone? It didn’t seem all that long since Ben and Sam were children, and now they were adults starting out on their own lives. Her greatest wish had always been that they should come to no harm and lead happy, successful lives. She was all too aware how fragile a hope that was.

‘The taxis are here,’ Sharon called. Kate hugged Sam. ‘You look beautiful,’ she whispered. She saw the little girl in her again, momentarily. That slight nervousness that children have before an exam or taking part in a school play, wanting to please, to get it right.

As they turned the corner to the church, she could hear the peal of church bells. She recalled climbing the winding stone steps to the top of the tower as a teenager where she rang those same six bells with her friends. Sometimes they would go up into the belfry and marvel at the sheer size of them, fixed solidly in stout frames, silent and brooding, until they were called upon to delight the villagers once more with their evocative call. She imagined the ringers standing around in a circle, their arms rising and falling as they pulled steadily and surely on the ropes, following the mathematical sequence to keep in perfect time. Now they were ringing for her daughter’s wedding day and for a brief moment Kate saw herself standing in a circle feeling the pull of the rope, listening intently to the rich cascade of chiming bells.

People lined the railings in front of the church; guests mingled with friends and neighbours who had come along just to get a glimpse of the bride and bridesmaids. Stepping out of the taxi, she could see into the churchyard where Ben was chatting to her brother and his family. He looked handsome in a light grey suit and collar and tie. Kate walked over and introduced them to Sharon and the baby. A few pleasantries were exchanged and she caught herself smiling yet slightly nervous as she looked around at the small groups of people from both families, all radiant in their new wedding outfits, the warm September sunshine seeming to increase the splendour of the moment.

The vicar arrived and everyone filed into the cool atmosphere of the church adjusting their eyes to the darker light. Blades of sunshine sliced through the stained glass windows lighting up the dark pews, while the organ played softly in the background. After about ten minutes, Mendelssohn’s wedding march swept through the church and heads turned hoping for a glimpse of the bride making her entrance. Kate turned to see her daughter stepping gracefully, beautifully down the aisle, her arm loosely linked through Jim’s, her bridesmaids walking ceremoniously behind, their faces brimming with excitement. When she saw Alex and Sam standing side by side she thought, yes, Sam had got it right, and she was so very proud of her. Tears sprung to her eyes and she reached into her handbag for a tissue. Her hand came into contact with her mobile phone and she realised she hadn’t switched it off. She quickly took it out and saw that there was one message. She wondered who it could be from since she received so few, and couldn’t resist opening it.
Why
have
you
abandoned
me?
I
gave
you
the
truth.
She felt her insides twist as she tried to make sense of those few words. She read the number but it wasn’t one she recognised. And then she scanned the list of numbers before realisation dawned. She had picked up Jim’s phone by mistake. He was having an affair—but with whom? Again, the awful truth dawned. Mrs. Duncan. He was never away. Her knees buckled and waves of nausea coursed through her. Then the vicar’s voice cut through her thoughts and she thrust the phone into her bag and pulled out a tissue, dabbing furiously at her eyes to try and stop the flow of tears that threatened. The day . . . this day of all days . . . was ruined, for her at any rate. She looked at Sam and thought of the excitement and happiness she must be feeling, a similar emotion to her own just a few moments ago. She looked at Jim, oblivious of her discovery as he returned her gaze with a smile and wink. She remembered the look he gave her in the kitchen. It hadn’t expressed sorrow at all. It was guilt. Seeing her in her wedding outfit, the same colour she had worn at their own wedding had to have some impact on him.

As she stepped out into the sunshine she had only a hazy recollection of the wedding ceremony . . . Sam and Alex’s voices as they repeated their wedding vows, a hymn,
Love
divine
all
loves
excelling,
a few words by the vicar about the sanctity of marriage . . . and she’d half listened, mocked the words, the sentiments, the farce and hypocrisy of it all. She’d thought about when she was a little girl, made to come to church every Sunday. She’d looked around at the people standing closest to her in their finery, and saw again the pious looks on their faces. People didn’t really believe all this stuff, did they? Not today; not when there was so much badness in the world, religious mania, murder, when so many marriages fail . . .

‘Can I have the family of the bride over here, please?’ The photographer was gathering everyone together like sheep. Mechanically, she went and stood next to Sam.

‘God, cheer up, Mum, you look as though you’re at a funeral.’

Kate smiled weakly and drew away from Jim who put his arm around her and pulled her next to him. ‘All right?’ he whispered; a look of concern on his face.

Unable to contain herself, she delved into her handbag and pulled out the hateful phone thrusting it at him. ‘What do
you
think?’ she hissed.

He removed his arm from her shoulder and took the phone from her. There was the guilty look again but this time it was mingled with one of fear. He didn’t check his messages, there was no need. She knew he’d worked out what had happened.

‘Mum, Jim, can you pay attention. The photographer’s trying to get you in position,’ Ben called. ‘And can you try to smile. It is supposed to be a happy occasion.’

‘Sorry,’ Kate answered, looking towards the photographer and forcing her mouth into a smile.
False,
everything
false.
Everything
covered
by
a
thin
veneer
 . . .
a
superficial
cover.
And to think she had been concerned about Ben when all the time . . . she mustn’t think about it. She wouldn’t let it completely ruin the day. There would be time later. At least he’d be worrying about what was to come. Just get through the day.

The photographs seemed to go on for ever before they were whisked away in taxis to the reception. On that two mile journey it must have been obvious to Sharon and Ben there was something wrong between Jim and her, but neither of them made any hint of it. Ben did his best to draw them into conversation but in the end gave up and spoke directly to Sharon, taking the focus away from the odd behaviour of his parents.

It wasn’t until after the speeches and the meal that the opportunity arose to speak to Jim. She had really made an effort to hide her true feelings and had managed to go round the room and speak to most of the guests. But the thought of Jim and that woman were never far from her thoughts and she began to feel anxious. She needed to escape from the music and constant laughter and chatter of the guests and decided to take a stroll through the grounds to try to clear her head and decide what to do. She was sure she could never forgive him for what he’d done.

She had just left the gardens, their beautiful green lawns broken up with clusters of sweet smelling shrubs and flowers, and was walking along a narrow path through a wooded area when she heard Jim’s voice behind her.

‘Kate, I need to speak to you.’

She turned and glowered at him. ‘Well, I don’t want to speak to you,’ she replied, hurrying away from him.

He hurried after with her and turned her around to face him. ‘You’re going to listen whether you like it or not,’ he insisted. ‘I never wanted any of this . . . but you . . . you were so preoccupied with work, with . . . Michael, you didn’t have time for me.’

‘So it’s all my fault! I
need
to work, Jim and I’ve worked hard to get where I am. It may not be what I had in mind when I qualified, but actually, most of the time I enjoy what I do.’ She lied. Most of the time, she was trying to think of a way to make things
normal
again instead of living in fear of what might happen.

‘But you never shut up about it . . . about him, Michael. It’s like
you’re
having an affair, Kate. Are you sure you’re not in love with him because he’s on your mind all the time?’

She looked at him as though he’d gone mad. ‘How dare you accuse me of having an affair when it’s you . . . you and that Mrs. Duncan. How long has that been going on? It must be some time because you’re never away from her place, even today of all days.’

Jim hesitated, gathering his thoughts. ‘Not that long, actually . . . and I regret it so much. When I saw you today, I realised how much I love you. I’ve done a terrible thing, Kate, but I felt so . . . alone.’

‘Not quite true, Jim.’

‘I know you probably won’t believe me, but I don’t feel anything for her . . . nothing. She just happened to be there when I needed someone to talk to. All those memories from years ago . . . Matt . . . the problems with Ben . . . and then Sharon coming back into my life. It was useless trying to talk to you; you were always somewhere else . . . mentally at any rate. It was as though I didn’t exist for you any more.’ Kate turned to walk away from him but he grabbed her arm. ‘If you’re not in love with him, then he certainly has feelings for you from what I’ve seen in those letters he’s written you.’

She felt herself flush with embarrassment and then anger. ‘You had no right to read those letters. How dare you go sneaking through my things?’ She wrenched her arm free of his grip. ‘I bet the only reason you haven’t mentioned them before now is because finding them probably appeased your own conscience.’ She felt the tears pricking her eyes and quickly looked away. ‘Go back inside, Jim! You might have ruined everything for me, but you’d better not spoil things for Sam.’

‘I’m really sorry, Kate . . . I hope you can forgive me.’

She sensed the anguish in his voice and could no longer hold back her tears as she heard him turn and walk away. Although she felt empty and hurt, she had to admit there was some truth in what he said. She had neglected him. She had become obsessed with Michael. She talked about him the whole time because she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. She was in way over her head and she didn’t know how to get out of it. She was afraid. Jim must have been suffering too but she never gave him the opportunity to talk to her about it. No wonder he thought she was in love with Michael. Jim’s words disturbed her.

What did she
honestly
think of Michael? He was good looking and could be charming and caring, was always courteous and very flattering. He looked out for her . . . advised her on prison procedures to keep her from getting into trouble with the regime. He warned her about certain prisoners. He was complimentary about her appearance and how she helped him overcome his shyness. He was a good student, seemed keen to learn . . . or was that just to please her? And then, there were the letters. She had been intrigued, at first, reading about his past . . . but later . . . when they became more personal, when he began to reveal how he felt about her . . . yes, initially she supposed she had been flattered . . . but now . . . now she wondered what went on in his mind. Now, she knew it had to stop . . . it had to stop because she was not in control any more.