Lizzie's Secret (26 page)

‘Come into the office, Lizzie.'

She followed with a sinking heart, wondering what she'd done wrong. Her work was up to standard, wasn't it? And her orders were all on schedule.

‘Have I done something wrong?'

‘It's not you – but that customer of yours.' He picked up a small piece of paper marked with red ink. ‘That woman's cheque bounced…'

‘Oh no, I can't believe it…' Lizzie felt a sinking sensation inside. ‘I was so sure she wouldn't let us down.'

‘Well the bank says to get in touch with her if I want my money.'

‘Oh…' Lizzie bit her lip. ‘She and her husband have gone to America. I think they will be away for some months…'

He cursed and pondered over the cheque. ‘Well, I'll send a letter to her address, but it looks like that's a loss – and no business can stand many of them, especially in times like these.'

‘I'm sorry…' Lizzie produced the cheque Sebastian had just given her. ‘This one is all right, isn't it?'

‘Of course it is. Mr Winters is our best customer – especially since you started working here. I'm not blaming you, Lizzie, but let this be a lesson to you. Be careful who you take cheques from – and make sure account customers don't have a black mark against them in the book.'

‘I'm sure Mabel didn't mean to let us down. Something must have gone wrong…'

He nodded, but she could see he was still annoyed.

‘I am sorry…'

‘Get on with your work. I don't want those orders to be late…'

Lizzie left the office without telling him the good news about Harry. He would be pleased when he knew, but for the moment he was too annoyed with her over that cheque. She returned to her work, shaking her head when Ed looked at her. He had warned her about the consequences and she felt too much of a fool to talk about it.

Instead, she concentrated on the design she was creating, making a mental note to go shopping before she went home. She must try to get some decent pork chops for Harry's supper and whatever else she could find in shops that had less and less to offer. It meant queuing for ages, because wherever you looked these days there were long queues outside the shops, and as soon as any fresh produce came in it was snapped up by eager customers…

*

‘It's so wonderful to be back,' Harry said later that evening after they'd eaten their meal. ‘We've been training so hard, Lizzie. I was beginning to think I should never get leave again.'

‘And now you have six days – it's the best leave you've had since you started.'

‘I know,' he said and kissed her hard on the lips. ‘Come to bed, darling. I've missed you so much, my love.'

‘I've missed you too,' she said and went into his arms. ‘It's lonely when you're not here…'

It was some time later that they lay side by side in bed, their bodies sweat-slicked and satiated, brought close by the sweetness of their loving.

‘Lizzie, can you get a few days off?' Harry asked as he trailed his fingers down her spine. ‘I would like to go away, to the country for a while, so that we can be together every minute.'

‘I would have to ask your uncle,' Lizzie said doubtfully. ‘I've no special orders to make at the moment, but…'

‘I'll go and telephone him now,' Harry said and reached for his jacket. ‘Have you got any change for the phone box, Lizzie?'

‘In my purse on the sideboard,' Lizzie said, carrying the dirty plates through to the kitchen. ‘Take what you want…'

‘I'll be back in a few minutes,' Harry called from the sitting room. ‘You can pack some things for us as soon as you've done that because I'm not taking no for an answer…'

Lizzie washed the plates and put everything away and then went into the bedroom and got out the small cardboard case she'd bought for her honeymoon. She packed a warm skirt and two jumpers, underwear, also her prettiest dress and a couple of cardigans. Then she took some of Harry's shirts and slacks from the wardrobe. She added socks and underwear and was about to add sponge bags and towels when he walked back into the bedroom.

‘What did he say?'

‘He didn't like it much, but he gave in when I told him a few things…'

‘What things?' Lizzie asked, feeling anxious.

‘Nothing important…'

‘I know Uncle Bertie; he wouldn't give in unless you had a good reason.'

‘I told him what I've been doing and when he understood he said it was all right.'

‘Harry, please tell me.'

‘Well, I've been flying missions over Germany, taking low-level pictures of factories, ships, troop movements – and sometimes we get shot at, either while we're there or on the way back…'

Lizzie swallowed hard. It was dangerous work and it brought home to her that her husband could die on one of the missions, making regret and fear surge through her.

‘Oh, Harry,' she said and slipped her arms about his waist. ‘I thought you were still training…'

‘Yes, I am but they're so short of trained observers that I've been training on the job, rather like nurses that train on the wards. It's not as if I'm flying the damned kite. They've put me in the Observer corps, Lizzie – it's what this badge is for.' He pointed to an unusual badge with a circle in gold braid and one wing. ‘To be honest, they lost three observers in one week, so I sort of got thrown in at the deep end, but it turns out I'm rather good at it…'

‘I thought you were a navigator?'

‘It's what I do on the way there and back,' Harry gave her a lopsided grin, ‘but then I have to get the pictures they need, and my pilot takes us in damned low. Not many of them are as good at it as Robbie is – but we have a high risk of being shot down in the flak once they know we're about…'

‘I wish you didn't have to do such dangerous work…'

‘It's war, Lizzie,' he said. ‘Forget it. I'm on leave now and I want us to have a good time…'

Lizzie thought she noticed a change in his manner, he seemed less happy to be home than he had at first and she thought there was a new coldness in his manner, but she couldn't see any reason for it and thought it was probably just in her mind – because she couldn't forget the way he'd behaved on their honeymoon…

*

The days of Harry's leave went quickly and Lizzie sensed a reserve in him even when they were having fun, walking down leafy country lanes, sitting by the fire in country inns and lying in bed. The only time that Harry really seemed to come to life was when he made love to her and he did so with an urgent passion that did not always leave her feeling either happy or satisfied. Harry seemed in a hurry, on edge, nervous, springing up for a cigarette as soon as it was over.

Lizzie had hoped that as time passed they would talk more, get to know one another properly, find common ground to meet, but instead, she felt that Harry was drawing away from her. The sex was still good between them, but she sometimes felt that was all it was – just sex without love or tenderness, as if he were putting his mark of ownership on her. Or perhaps the change was in her, because there was a tiny part of her that couldn't forgive the way he'd acted on their honeymoon.

‘Is anything wrong?' she asked once when he got up and went to stand looking out at the night sky.

‘Should there be? Is there anything you want to tell me?'

‘Nothing I haven't already. I'm busy at work and I miss you – that's pretty much my life now, Harry. Beth came home for a couple of days. We went to the pictures once and I had lunch with her family. I see Madge and Tilly and that's about all…'

‘No men?' Harry turned to look at her and she gasped as she saw accusation in his eyes. ‘What about Sebastian Winters?'

‘He comes to buy hats but you know that…'

‘What was his card doing in your purse then?'

‘Harry! You can't think…' she said, feeling hurt that he should be so suspicious. ‘He wrote a phone number on it for me – a place where I could get labels to sew into my special designs. Your uncle promised I should have my own label but he's never done anything about it…' She moved towards him. ‘Surely you must know I wouldn't… Harry, I love you. I thought you loved me?'

‘Of course I do…' Harry stepped towards her, pulling her into his arms. ‘I'm a jealous idiot, Lizzie. I'm sorry, really sorry. It's just that when I'm away, I can't help wondering if you're with someone else…'

‘I wouldn't,' Lizzie said desperate to make him believe her. ‘I would never cheat on you…'

‘Forgive me – it's just being away and the pressure of what we're doing…'

‘Yes, it must be awful for you.'

‘Worse for the chaps who go home and find their wives in bed with other men,' Harry said, and there was a look of desolation in his eyes. ‘If it happened to me – I wouldn't want to live…'

‘Harry, no! Don't say that,' Lizzie cried. ‘I love you – you know I do…'

And yet even as she said it, she wondered. His moods and suspicion hurt her and little by little she was becoming more resentful and each time he hurt her she withdrew a little.

‘I'm sorry,' he apologised. ‘I'm being ridiculous. Take no notice, Lizzie. A lot of the chaps in my unit are morbid – it's because we know the odds are against us.'

‘Couldn't you ask for a transfer?'

‘No!' His voice was sharp. ‘I'm not a coward, Lizzie…'

‘Of course you're not…' He swung away from her and she watched as he dressed. ‘Are you going out?'

‘I need a walk in the fresh air.'

‘It's bitterly cold out…'

‘Go back to bed, Lizzie – and forget everything I said. I'm just a fool…'

Lizzie went back to bed after he'd gone but it was a long time before she slept. She must have fallen into an uneasy dose though, because when she woke Harry was shaking her shoulder.

‘Wake up, Lizzie. It's just a dream. I'm here, my love. You're all right.'

Lizzie was aware that she was shivering, trembling in his arms. She'd been dreaming, a dream so vivid and dreadful that it had made her call out.

‘I was dreaming…' she said. ‘I could hear his footsteps and then his hand was on my shoulder, pulling me down. I could smell his foul breath and then…'

‘Then what happened, Lizzie? Have you remembered? '

‘The dream always ends there.' Lizzie looked at him with tears on her cheeks. ‘I don't remember anything but the dream reflects what my aunt told me'

‘It's probably best you don't remember,' he said and drew her against him, holding her close. ‘It's my fault for doubting you, telling you about the missions. I never meant to upset you.'

‘If you're in danger and under pressure you should be able to tell me. I'm your wife. We should share everything. I do love you. I know you were hurt because of…' She got no further because Harry kissed her hard on the lips.

Afterwards, he drew back and looked at her. ‘I'm sorry I'm a jealous idiot, but it's because I love you. I wanted you to be perfect that first time – but it wasn't your fault, Lizzie darling. I have accepted it and I want you to forgive me for hurting you. I didn't know you had these dreams…'

‘I don't have them often,' she said. ‘I haven't had one for ages…'

‘Let's forget about it and enjoy ourselves,' Harry said and kissed her again, softly and with tenderness. ‘I shan't get a decent leave again for ages so we mustn't spoil what we have.'

‘No, we mustn't,' Lizzie said. ‘Please don't stop loving me…'

‘Hey, no more tears,' he said and wiped her cheeks with his fingertips. ‘I'm the one who should be saying that – I'm just a stupid man who doesn't know how lucky he is…'

‘You must miss Harry now that he's gone back to his base,' Tilly said to Lizzie that morning as they stopped for their morning tea. ‘With the way things are going it's such a worry for all our men. I know we haven't felt the effects of it much here yet, apart from some shortages – but the Merchant Navy is catching it out on the Atlantic and the RAF must be involved in all that stuff.'

‘Yes, of course I worry about him. Doesn't every woman with a husband, brother or son in the forces?' Lizzie didn't tell Tilly about what Harry had said about low flying over German factories and aerodromes. Harry wasn't supposed to talk about what he was doing and they were always being warned of spies…
careless talk risks lives
was a popular slogan. The posters were on walls everywhere, just as there were the posters exhorting women to work.

Lizzie mustn't even tell her best friends how worried she was that he might be shot down on a routine sortie over the German coast. In those light planes with no firepower as protection, the pilots and crew were in danger every time they flew across the Channel. Lizzie could only pray that her new telephone wouldn't ring with bad news.

Harry had had the phone put in for her while they were on holiday, telling her that he wanted to be able to keep in touch even if he couldn't visit as often as he liked in future.

‘I shan't feel so cut off from you if you're connected,' he'd told her. ‘I should hate to think of you alone at the flat if anything were to happen – I mean you might be pregnant. If you have fallen for a child and I'm not around, you could ring Uncle Bertie and he would send Aunt Miriam to visit you; she's very good with babies… she delivered me because the midwife was late.'

‘Then I'll be sure to ring her if it happens, but we don't even know if it has happened yet.'

‘Well, we haven't been bothering to take precautions,' Harry said. ‘I want to be a father, naturally, but like the selfish man I am, I hope it won't be yet because I shall miss all his first times – his first steps…'