Local Girl Swept Away (12 page)

“I know. I'm sorry. I was so screwed up about the whole thing.”

“So was I! So was Finn! You think you were more screwed up than
we
were?” A few tears threatened to fall, but I willed them away. I had no idea I was so mad at Lucas.

“No, of course not, but there were things . . . you didn't know. Things that were driving me crazy.”

Finn was alert now. “
What
things we didn't know?”

“I thought . . .” Lucas paused, and then spit out his sentence. “I thought Lorna's death was my fault.”

Finn gave a short, dismissive laugh and jumped up from his chair.

I could feel my lips pull back from my teeth as if I were growling. “Why would it be
your
fault?” I barked at him. “You mean, because you couldn't save her? None of us could!” Even though I'd never discussed it with Finn, I
knew
that this was a part of the story he couldn't bear—the fact that Lucas had leaped into that cold black water in a ridiculous attempt to save Lorna, while he, her boyfriend and a much stronger swimmer, continued to stand there on the breakwater, helplessly calling out her name.

“That's not what I mean,” Lucas said. His head dropped low between his shoulders, his voice barely audible.

“I think it's strange that you're claiming Lorna's death as
your
fault,” I said, my voice getting louder and louder. “Why on earth would that be true? Or do you think we're
all
somehow responsible? Are you blaming us?”

“No! Jackie, just listen to me for a minute. Something happened that I didn't tell you about.”

Finn walked behind Lucas's chair and leaned over him. “Tell us now, Lucas. Right now.”

Lucas looked him in the eyes and his face turned gray. “Lorna was pregnant.”

I jumped and let out a startled laugh. “No, she wasn't! Where did you get a crazy idea like that?”

“From her,” he said. “She told me . . . it was mine.”

Finn's mouth hung open. “Man, how much weed did you smoke out there in the woods?”

But Lucas stammered on. “We were only together once. I knew it was a lousy thing for me to do, but I had such a crush on Lorna—more than a crush—which she knew, and when she came on to me that night—”

Finn had turned away from Lucas, but now he wheeled back around. “She
came on
to you? What are you talking about? Are you saying you
slept
with her?”

Lucas kept his eyes on his shoes. “I knew she was playing with me. I mean, I knew she wasn't throwing you over for me—I'm not that dumb—so I figured sleeping with her wouldn't be such a big deal. I mean, it wouldn't affect your relationship with her or anything.”

My eyes could not have opened any wider. “Lucas, she was Finn's girlfriend!”

“I
know
that!” Lucas stood up and plodded over to the fireplace, his shoulders slumped. “I'm not proud of it, Jackie, but you know how I felt about Lorna. I never thought for a minute that I—and all of a sudden she wanted me to sleep with her! It was like a miracle!”

Finn stumbled backward, looking for something to lean on. He stepped on the puddle of velvety drapes, slid, and caught himself on a bookcase.

“Cheating on your best friend is a miracle?” I yelled. “That's a new one.”

Miserably, Lucas shook his head. “
Lorna
was the miracle. Try to see it from my point of view. I thought you'd understand this, Jackie.”

“Why? Because I need a miracle too?” The question came out like a spitball. And then the memory of Finn fending off my impulsive kiss bloomed in my brain. Okay, yes, I'd wanted a miracle too, but I never would have gone after it if Lorna were still alive.

Finn rumbled into the silence between Lucas and me. “If this bullshit is true, which I doubt it is, why are you suddenly confessing to us now?”

“Because I want you to know the whole story. A couple of days after we, you know, were together, Lorna came to me with a pregnancy test. It was positive. She said it had to be mine because you'd been in Florida for two weeks. I didn't know anything about that stuff—how long anything took—and I just figured she knew what she was talking about.”

“Everything you say gets crazier and crazier!” Finn's voice was only a notch below a shriek.

“If Lorna had been pregnant,” I said, “she would've told me before she told anybody else. I was her best friend.”

Lucas banged his hand on the mantelpiece. “Why would I make this up? That's why I thought it was all my fault! For months after she died, I was totally freaked out, until finally I got up the nerve to do a little research and it turns out those tests aren't accurate that fast. It takes a couple weeks, not just days. So, it couldn't have been me. At least I don't think it could.”

“So, she wasn't actually pregnant,” I said, looking at Finn. “Unless . . .”

“We always used a condom. Every time. Besides, if Lorna had been pregnant by me, she obviously would have
told
me
.” Finn headed for the door. “I don't know what you're trying to prove, Lucas, but—”

“Look, Finn, I don't understand it either,” Lucas said, “but why else would she want to kill herself?”

Finn spun around so fast he knocked the vase of flowers off the table. Water and golden petals sprayed everywhere. “
Kill
herself?”

I stood up then too. “Lucas, that's ridiculous. I know people are saying that, but—”

“Who's saying that?” Finn interrupted.

“Lorna would
never
have killed herself, for any reason.” I stepped over the flower debris to get to Finn, but Lucas grabbed my arm. “Jackie, think about it—it never made sense that she fell off the breakwater.
Lorna
? She danced over those rocks.”

“I'm gonna dance over
you
, asshole!” Finn yelled as he came for Lucas. He grabbed him by the shirt and they stood eye to eye, but Lucas didn't try to defend himself, didn't blink, didn't so much as put up a hand to deflect a punch. It almost seemed like he wanted Finn to hit him.

After a few seconds, Finn let him go, stomped to the door, and flung it open. “Tell Simon and Billy thanks for the dessert. But it'll take more than cheesecake to get this taste out of my mouth.”

“I'm sorry,” Lucas whispered to me, but I didn't answer. What was there to say?

I looked back at Lucas before following Finn outside. I climbed into the front seat of the Prius without asking and buckled myself in because I was pretty sure Finn wouldn't purposely hit anything if I was in the car with him. When he pulled over in front of my house he turned off the engine and slumped forward, his head resting on the steering wheel. I couldn't think of a thing to say. Finally he turned his head to look at me.

“Lucas is right about one thing,” he said quietly. “Lorna could never have fallen off those rocks.”

I nodded. “I know.”

Charlotte was shoving books into her locker while I mumbled Lucas's revelations into her ear. “That's insane,” she said. “Why would Lorna sleep with Lucas? Then again, why would he make it up?”

“I don't know. None of it makes sense.”

“Lucas thinks she'd kill herself over a pregnancy? It's not 1950, and this is Lorna we're talking about. Wouldn't she just get an abortion or something?”

Charlotte's voice was getting louder and people were beginning to look at us, so I steered her toward the door, speaking as quietly as possible. “I don't know, but even Finn agreed that Lucas was right about one thing. Lorna couldn't have fallen off the breakwater.”

Charlotte made a slightly disgusted face. “Really? She was so perfect? She couldn't have an accident? Even in a storm?”

I shook my head. “It's what I thought from the very beginning, but nobody said it out loud, so I didn't either. Because, if she didn't fall, there was no explanation.”

“Except that she did it on purpose.”

“Which is also impossible.”

“Well, unless we're living in the
Twilight Zone
, those are the only two options. She fell or she jumped. Unless somebody
pushed
her.”

I stopped walking. “Are you kidding? You think Finn pushed her? Or Lucas? Or
me
?”

“Of course not, but something happened to her because she ended up in the water. And when you look at all the options, falling is the most likely. Isn't it?”

I sighed. “I guess. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Am I going to spend my whole life trying to figure this out?”

“Seems like it. Here's a new topic: Did I tell you Lucas is in my Spanish class?”

“He is? Did you talk to him?”

“No, but I will. He looks different. He looks good.”

“Yeah.”

“But, you know, sad. Lonely.”

“Well, that's
his
problem. He screwed over his friends.”

“Jackie, if Lorna slept with him, it wasn't only his fault. In fact—”

“I can't believe that happened. I would have known.”

We'd reached Bradford Street and I turned left toward JSAC. But Charlotte got in a final word before she headed for the West End. “Maybe Lorna had a few secrets she didn't share with you, Jackie. Just sayin'.”

• • •

Elsie was in her office when I got to the Center. I figured Finn wouldn't have told her anything about the night before and I didn't intend to either.

“Hey, Jackie.” Elsie was unpacking boxes of lavender T-shirts that said “Jasper Street Art Center” in small red letters across the front. “These just arrived. What size are you? Medium?” She tossed me a shirt.

“Thanks.” I held it up to my chest. “These are gorgeous.”

“Aren't they? Cooper helped me pick the colors.”

Cooper
. He didn't seem to be around at the moment, which was good. I had enough confusing stuff to think about.

“Can I use your computer to work on some photos?” I asked Elsie.

“Sure. Use the new program. I have to go pick up Tess at Emma's house in a few minutes, so I won't be in your way.”

I downloaded the pictures I'd shot the afternoon before and brought one of them up in Elsie's new program. Just to try it out, I intensified the contrast and played with the color saturation a little. I hadn't realized a small piece of driftwood was in the corner of the shot—I cropped it out. The photograph was more interesting now, but it didn't present the actual truth anymore, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Did truth matter more than beauty—or did enhancing the image bring out a new kind of truth? After all, every time I framed a shot, I chose what reality to show and what to leave outside the borders. Wasn't that how art worked? You made choices and found your own truth.

Elsie leaned over my shoulder to take a look. “That one's amazing! Look at those clouds—print that out.”

“I'm thinking I might take four or five of the cloud photos and line them up in a row all together to make one long picture, and then collage on top of it.”

“I love that idea,” Elsie said. She hopped up to sit on the desk. “By the way, before I forget, I want to apologize for Friday night. I was so annoyed with Carolyn for acting like she couldn't be bothered to talk to you.”

“It's okay. She's a superstar. I didn't expect her to have a big conversation with me.”

Elsie twirled a turquoise ring around her finger. “Well, it's her loss. Becoming self-centered can be an occupational hazard for artists.”

“Finn would agree with you,” I said, “but it's not true for everybody. You aren't self-centered.”

“I'm not good enough to have a big ego,” she said, sliding off the desk. I'd never heard Elsie put herself down like that before, and I was at a loss what to say. But she wasn't waiting for a response. “Off to pick up Tess,” she said. “If you see Cooper, tell him—Oh, wait. There he is. Coop! Come and see the T-shirts!”

I raised my hand in a brief wave as he came into the room. After all that flirting on Friday night, I didn't know how to act around Cooper anymore. I'd almost kissed him, hadn't I? Or did I just imagine that? He smiled at me, same as always, and I decided he'd probably already forgotten about it, his world obviously not rocked by standing outside in the dark with a teenager for fifteen minutes.

He and Elsie discussed where to sell the T-shirts until she looked at her watch and groaned. “Late again.” She grabbed her purse and took off out the door.

Elsie's exit sucked all the normalcy out of the room, at least for me. I couldn't think of one thing to say. As my photographs chugged out of the printer, Cooper shuffled through them.

“Very nice,” he said. “I can see why Elsie picked you.”

“What do you mean, ‘picked me'?”

He grinned. “You're her protégé. Don't you know that, Jacqueline?”

Jacqueline
. The name bounced around in my brain like a hard-hit tennis ball. “I don't think—”

“Absolutely you are! Believe me, I know a protégé when I see one. I used to be Rudy's, you know.” He jumped up on the desk, the spot Elsie had recently vacated, but somehow he seemed closer than she had.

“You aren't anymore?” I asked.

He shrugged. “It's not the same now. Rudy prefers to mentor the inexperienced and unpublished. Once you step into his limelight it puts him off a little. Also—” Cooper leaned over as if he were about to tell me a secret, even though there was no one else in the office. “I did a bad thing,” he said, grimacing.

I scooted my chair back a few inches. He was so attractive up close, I could barely look at him. Even if I avoided his eyes, there was no body part that didn't make me nervous—his hands, his hair, the taut, tan skin of his arms. “What did you do?”