Local Girl Swept Away (24 page)

Meanwhile, Finn was concentrating on making a highway in the sand between us, or maybe he was digging a trench. He seemed nervous. “I have to tell you something, Jackie. The thing is . . . I haven't been fair to you the past few months, and I feel stupid about it now. It's been hard for me to face . . . the truth. In fact, I'm just starting to realize what the truth is.”

Oh, God, was this going to be a serious talk? I didn't think I could stand it if he started being all
honest
with me, especially sitting right here, fifty yards away from the
real
truth.

“Do you remember that day we were walking on the beach under the pier and you, you know, kissed me?”

He wasn't really bringing
that
up, was he? I could feel him looking at me, but I didn't meet his eyes. My legs felt shaky, and I wondered if I could get to my feet if I wanted to, if I could get up and run.

“The thing is, Jackie . . .” He scooted across the homemade gully between us and leaned his leg against mine, put a hand on my arm. “The thing is, I couldn't deal with it then. It was too soon . . .”

“Absolutely. I totally get it.” I moved my leg, but his hand still grasped my arm. “I don't know why I did that. I was just so sad, I guess.”

“It wasn't only sadness. We were so close then, Jackie. It scared me how close we'd gotten. I'd just lost Lorna, and I was afraid to feel that way about somebody else.”

Finn tried to look into my eyes, but I closed them. What the hell was happening?

“I think about that day all the time and I wish I could do it over.” Finn's voice massaged me and I felt my spine loosen. “I think about
you
all the time, Jackie, even though I try not to. I was so confused after Lorna died, but I'm starting to see things differently now. I'm starting to see them the way they really are. And I think I want to be with
you
.”

And then he pulled me into his arms and kissed me, sweetly, lovingly. For a moment my heart broke open and let him in. I couldn't help it. This was what I'd wished for so long. I think it was the camera, caught between us and digging into my chest that reminded me where I was and who was waiting in a cabin just down the beach.

I broke away. “Finn, we can't do this.”

“Sure we can, Jackie. You're the one who said it to me. We have to live our lives.”

“I know, but I haven't been honest with you either.” I pushed away from him and got unsteadily to my feet.

He jumped up. “You mean you don't feel that way about me anymore?”

“No, that's not what I mean.” I held out my hand and he took it. “I might as well just say it. I've loved you for a long time, Finn, but it doesn't matter now.”

A smile broke over his face. “Of course it matters!”

I shook my head. “There's something you don't know. Something . . . big.” I started walking down the beach, pulling him with me.

“Is this about Cooper?” His voice dropped to a lower register.

“No.”
Cooper. Did I love him too? Maybe, but not like this. Not like Finn
.

“What then?” He tried to pull me close, to keep me from walking, but I was on a mission.

“You'll see. It's not far.”

By the time we got to Cabin 5, my legs felt almost too weak to hold me up. From this moment on, everything would change, but what choice did I have? I banged on the door, eager to get it over with.

Finn was confused. “Why are we here? The cabin's closed up.”

“Not entirely,” I said.

The door swung open, first just a little, then all the way. Lorna, wearing the stained white jacket that no longer fit her, gave me a tight smile. “Way to keep a secret, Jackie.”

Slowly she turned her gaze to Finn and I could see it in the way her lip trembled, the way the muscle in her cheek jumped.
Lorna was scared
. Without really thinking about it, I raised the camera and I caught it.

Finn stared at Lorna as the late-day sun illuminated her flaming hair. His eyes blinked rapidly and he didn't seem to be able to move or speak. When Lorna backed up, I led him into the cottage by the arm.

“You promised you'd wait, Jackie,” Lorna said.

“I couldn't. Not another minute.”

When Finn looked at me, I could feel his shock. I'd known this and I hadn't told him.

He kept looking back and forth between the two of us until finally he realized that what seemed to be true
was
true. “Lorna!” His voice was raspy and her name was a prayer on his lips. “Oh, my God, Lorna! How . . . ? How . . . ?”

Lorna seemed resigned, but once again in control. She held out her arms, and Finn rushed into them, crushing her to his chest.

“Sit down, Finn,” she whispered to him. “Sit with me and I'll tell you.”

They huddled close together on the old couch, their hands clasped, as Lorna began the story of how she didn't die, but swam against the tide and was swept up on the bay beach like a goosefish, only not quite dead.

I turned away from them and walked to the door of the small bedroom. I didn't want to hear the saga again, but I couldn't get far enough away in the small cabin. The story washed over me again, an unstoppable wave. There were a few slight inconsistencies between this version and the one Lorna had told me. I wished I wasn't looking for them.

“I'm sorry, Finn,” Lorna said, tipping her head sideways. “I know I hurt you. I didn't want to.”

But it wasn't Lorna Finn seemed to blame. He looked at me the way I was afraid he would, as if I'd betrayed him. “You
knew
?”

“Only since yesterday morning. I found her here.”

He turned an ear toward me as if that might help him to better discern whether I was telling him the truth now or spouting more lies. “But you knew all day. You knew at the opening, and at dinner, and just now, on the beach—and you didn't tell me.” The voice that had soothed me moments ago snapped at me now. I wasn't surprised. I could have written this scene myself.

“I asked her not to,” Lorna said, drawing Finn's attention back to her. “Don't blame Jackie.”

“But I don't see why . . . ?”

“I knew it would be a big shock for you, Finn,” Lorna continued, “and I wanted to tell you myself, but I needed to do a few things first. Carla doesn't even know.”

“Well, let's go tell her! Let's tell everybody!” Finn jumped up and tried to pull Lorna toward the door, but she stood firm.

“We will soon, Finn. Tomorrow.” She beamed at him and I could see his body vibrate as the smile hit its target. “I've missed you.”

“You've missed
me
?” His laughter was pure effervescence bubbling up from a deep well. “I just . . . I can't . . . this is the happiest day of my life!” He embraced her again, this time kissing her, hard, wild, crazy.

I couldn't stand it. Could. Not. Stand. It. Minutes ago Finn had been kissing
me
, but obviously those budding emotions were easily washed away by Hurricane Lorna. I expected that, didn't I? Why was I getting so upset about it? I tried to think about Cooper and how
he
made me feel. I wasn't
his
second choice. But even thinking of Cooper didn't make up for having to witness the joyous reunion in Cabin 5.

“Aren't you going to ask her why she did it?” I lost control of my thick, furious voice. “She made us think she was dead! And I guess you're just going to ignore the fact that she's pregnant!”

Finn looked down at Lorna's stomach, his face registering surprise, but also . . . what? Eagerness? Delight?

“You're amazing,” he said, as though getting pregnant was a difficult accomplishment for a teenage girl. As though he'd been
hoping
to find his presumed-dead girlfriend merely knocked up instead. I realized then that nothing else mattered to him. For Finn, the only important thing was that Lorna was back. His fingers wove through her hair. “I can't believe I can see you and touch you. It's a miracle.”

“And a virgin birth too, I guess.” My voice was flat and accusing. I hated myself for being mean, but I couldn't seem to stem the flow of nastiness.

“Jackie's right,” Lorna said, leaning into Finn's shoulder. “I owe you an explanation, Finn. The thing is, I was desperate. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew Carla would freak out and want me to have an abortion or something. I wasn't thinking straight. I knew I had to get away from her.”

Finn nodded, his arm still tightly around her waist. “I'm not mad at you. I just wish you'd come to me for help. Why didn't you?”

It was a question Lorna hadn't yet answered to my satisfaction either. Why hadn't she let us help her? Why did she have to pretend to be
dead
, for God's sake?

“I know,” Lorna said, her head bowed. “It seems crazy now, but I had this idea that I'd go live with my dad in Maine and start all over. I was desperate to get away from Carla—I wasn't going to let her ruin another person.”

“You aren't ruined.” Finn hugged her close. “You're perfect. And the baby won't be ruined either. I won't let that happen. But tell me, the baby, it's not Lucas's, is it?”

Lorna hesitated only a second and then raised her eyes to stare into Finn's. “No. It's not.”

Finn's head bobbed back in relief as she continued, “I did sleep with him though, and I don't even know why. I'm so sorry, Finn. I screwed up.” She pulled away from him. “That's another reason I left. I was so embarrassed.”

But Finn didn't let go of her hand. “So, that means . . . ? We were always so careful about it, but—”

Lorna shrugged, then grinned. “Accidents happen.”

Not to Lorna, they didn't
.
Lorna didn't have accidents
.

Finn whooped and picked her up off the floor. “That's my kid in there? Oh, my God, this is
totally
the best day of my life! I'm gonna be such an awesome father!”

She laughed. “I know you will, Finn. You've always taken good care of me.”

Anguish flickered across Finn's face. “But I didn't try to save you when I should have,” he said. “By the time I realized . . . I didn't think . . .”

“Sssh. You're saving me now.” She whispered the words right into his mouth.

I slammed the cabin door behind me as I ran out, unable to listen to one more inexact truth, one more seductive lie. Lorna was afraid of her mother? Never. She was embarrassed about sleeping with Lucas? Not likely. But the worst deception of all was that Finn was the father of that baby. Whoever
was
the father, Lorna had chosen him very deliberately. It was no “accident.” But I knew Finn wouldn't believe me, not me, the girl who dared to kiss him under the pier. Even if he found out the truth, what difference would it make?

Finn would never love me now.

Why did I feel so stabbed and left for dead? I had no claim on Finn. One kiss on the beach, which I didn't even see coming, was the beginning and the end. But the ache I couldn't seem to outrun as I rushed away from the cabin was not only about losing Finn. It seemed as if I'd also lost my perfect friend, the heroine of my childhood.
That
Lorna was dead. More dead now than when I thought she'd been pulled beneath the waves by the ocean. It had taken me a long time to notice the imperfections in Lorna's powerful personality, but now that I'd seen them, I couldn't see anything else.

She'd needed us, but she hadn't loved us. She'd made up the games and we'd followed along. Was it Lorna's fault we adored her? No. Did she see our love as a weakness she could take advantage of? Maybe. How conscious was she of leading us where she wanted us to go?

As I headed for home, I forced myself to think
about the future. College, photography, making art. I thought about Cooper. Thank
God
for Cooper, who was smart and sensible. Cooper, who I could count on. Who had beautiful eyes and a sexy smile that made my insides tremble. Cooper, who I knew now would be my first lover. In fact, maybe that should happen sooner rather than later. Maybe it should happen tonight.

I went home first to satisfy my mother that I wasn't a wilting flower anymore. I sat at the table between my father and her and slugged down a bowl of fish stew, then slathered butter on a piece of bakery bread and forced that down too. Fortunately, they were, as usual, too tired by dinnertime to make much conversation. Dad grunted about how the weather had turned warm again as he scarfed down half a loaf of bread by himself. Mom said the color had come back to my cheeks—the walk in the sun had been a good idea.

“That Finn's a good kid,” she said, a remarkable statement coming from the woman who previously believed the Rosenbergs were washashores who should all be sent back to whatever useless place they came from.

Despite my mother's belief that the afternoon walk did me good, I was sure she wouldn't want me to go out again after dinner. I didn't want her waiting up for me to get home either, so I waited to sneak out until they'd fallen into bed at their usual early hour.

There was still a leftover orange glow in the sky over the bay as I walked down Commercial Street. I thought of calling ahead to make sure Cooper was home, but I'd never actually called him before, and the idea of talking to him on the phone seemed strange. I figured I'd know what to say when I looked into his eyes, but I couldn't imagine finding the right words to say into that hunk of plastic. Was he my boyfriend if it seemed weird to phone him? Whatever. After tonight we'd be together and, for better or for worse, everybody would find out about it. Even Elsie.

I didn't want to take the chance of bumping into anyone I knew, especially Finn, so I turned off the main street onto a darker, more secluded one and worked my way over to Jasper Street by a zigzag route. At some point I noticed someone walking about a block ahead of me, making all the same turns I intended to. A small man, I thought at first. He had a hooded sweatshirt pulled up over his hair, and he kept his eyes locked on the ground. But as I pulled a little closer, I changed my mind. It was a woman, for sure. A woman who walked quickly, lightly, barely touching the ground.