Long Division (5 page)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT IT?

It was ten minutes and he still hadn’t responded. My stomach churned with worry. Had I bored him? Had he fallen asleep? It was still so early I doubted that, yet our previous late night could have proven otherwise.

Finally!

IT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?

I wondered if he meant for better or worse. Of course it would change the world! How could technology of such…magnitude
not
change anything? It was going to change everything! Being able to…do anything, it would eventually lead to bad. I didn’t understand the technology. Perhaps that was my problem. Perhaps I was nothing but one of those ignorant fools that hated any new gadget on the market.

I didn’t like to think so. I thought myself to be a rather accepting bloke. I’d never wanted them to
not
release the newest thing; I thought it to—usually—be a great improvement. So what was so different about this InVizion device?

Because it was too much.

Too much power.

Yet that was too much to type out to James. So I kept it short.

I’M NOT SURE. PERHAPS I’M SIMPLY OLD-FASHIONED. BUT IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.

I felt some reluctance as I sent it, but I couldn’t help but be honest since I’d asked. For all I knew, James already had his device ordered.

His reply came back shortly.

I SEE. INTERESTING. I AM SORRY, YOU MUST EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO GO.

I was a bit stunned by his sudden termination of our conversation. And even more than a little disappointed. I’d been rather…dependant on awaiting his next message to arrive. And now it was over. Simply cut short and I had no explanation for it. Not that I had any right to have one. Perhaps I’d bored him, or offended him. Perhaps he was busy. Something more interesting had come up. I had no way of knowing.

I lay back with a heavy sigh and let my mobile drop from my fingers. Perhaps I should take it as a sign. I needed sleep. I hadn’t had enough of it lately.

My eyes closed.

And soon after the nightmares began.

3:The Question

I was exhausted when I woke the next morning. I’d slept the night through, not that I’d have known it judging by the way I felt. I groaned heavily and lay in bed longer than I should have done, simply staring at the clock.

Next to me my phone was flashing.

Two texts.

The first was from James, and I had to admit I felt a slightly relieved flutter in my stomach upon seeing it. So. I hadn’t scared him off.

It was quick and concise.

I APOLOGISE FOR LAST NIGHT. SOMETHING UNFORSEEN AROSE.

I sent a quick word back to him, letting him know—in what I hoped was not a
too
enthusiastic way—that it was fine and I understood.

The second was from Ashley.

HIYA! YOU BUSY AT LUNCH?

I was more than a little surprised by her message. It made me sit up straighter.

NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST. WHAT’S UP?

Waiting for a reply I pushed myself out of bed, suddenly energised by her short, simple text. Funny how a few words could wake a person up. I dropped a piece of toast into the toaster, started the coffee, and impatiently glanced at my phone.

Finally, a new message arrived.

WANT TO HAVE LUNCH OUTSIDE TODAY?

I gaped at the words for a moment. Another strange fluttery feeling of happiness started building in my belly. The toast popped up noisily, making me jump.

YEAH, SURE OF COURSE! NOON THEN?

I received a happy affirmative and did my best to keep from growing too excited over it. It didn’t really work. I couldn’t believe it. Ashley wanted to meet me for lunch today? Why? Why would she possibly want that? I wasn’t interesting; I wasn’t even that good at that sort of thing…

What if she wanted to know “how I’ve been doing”? A slight tightening of dread started at the pit of my stomach, replacing the happy bubbling. It began to spawn into reluctance. I cursed it immediately. I couldn’t let this damned mistrust rule my entire life! So much easier said than done.

If the subject came up, I could handle it. By now I knew the right words to say. I knew how to deflect conversations away. Shut discussions down. I was becoming an expert.

My journey to work was made interesting by a few messages sent to James. He seemed to be in a very good mood; it was evident even over text messages. I received so many calculations and excited explanations on my commute that my head was positively spinning by the time I finally told him I had to go.

He seemed a bit disappointed, really.

The morning crawled on. The hours didn’t seem to want to move round the clock. How soon till lunch? I couldn’t tear my eyes away from those slow revolving hands. The books I shelved, I didn’t remember, the people I helped, it was all a blur. When I was finally called for my break, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I found Ashley seated in the grass outside the library and offered her a smile. ‘Hello! You haven’t been waiting long, have you?’

She grinned widely as I sat down. ‘Not long at all. Just got out of class.’

I crossed my legs and couldn’t help but study her attractive, mousy profile, shadowed by the late-morning light. She’d pulled out a sandwich she’d bought and was busily unwrapping it. I just had an apple.

‘So,’ I said cautiously after a moment, ‘this seems a bit…out of the blue.’

She glanced over at me, teeth sunk into her sandwich. ‘Hmm? Oh, sorry. Not used to eating alone, I suppose. Matt is usually always here…’ Her gaze grew distant.

I watched her, unsure of what to say. ‘Ah, I see…’

‘Not that you’re a replacement!’ she said hurriedly, blushing.

‘No, no, of course not.’ I smiled reassuringly, though growing uncomfortable.

She sighed heavily. ‘I miss you Mark. It feels so strange never speaking to you anymore.’

I swallowed tightly. ‘Well, not much reason to anymore, is there?’ I tried to keep my tone as neutral as possible.

She twisted the thin bracelet on her wrist. ‘I suppose not…God, I miss her so much.’

Damn. I didn’t want to deal with that. Why the hell had I agreed to it? All I was able to do was nod my head. I couldn’t speak.

She winced. ‘Shit. Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up.’ She cursed again. ‘I can be such a twat at times.’

I sent my head back and forth wildly. ‘No, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I don’t blame you. I…I  miss her too.’

We were silent for a moment. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I tried to ignore it, but it persisted. Finally, I gave in. It was a good distraction from the silence between Ashley and myself, anyhow.

Six new messages in less than two minutes. What the hell?

IF YOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD CHANGE THE WORLD BUT POTENTIALLY DESTROY YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU DO IT?

I frowned at the text.

PERHAPS NOT SIMPLY YOUR LIFE.

PERHAPS SEVERAL MAJOR ORGANISATIONS.

IT WOULD CERTAINLY BE SATISFYING.

I HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY THE WORLD.

IT IS CERTAINLY AMAZING THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF MATHS.

I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t understand James at the best of times, and this wasn’t the best of times. I dropped my phone back into my pocket, ignoring James’s babbling, and glanced back up to Ashley.

‘Something wrong?’

I shook my head hurriedly, hating for her to think of me as one of those tossers more interested in my mobile than company. ‘Sorry, no. Nothing important.’

I gazed at the other students lounging in the grass round us. Reading, reclining against each other, eating, like us. How did people do it? Have so many friends? Perhaps because they weren’t all stuck in their past, unable to move forward. Not wanting to.

‘I’m going to Amanda’s gravesite tomorrow. To all of theirs. I was wondering…if you’d want to come?’

I didn’t meet her eyes. ‘I’m…I’m not sure I can.’ I inwardly winced. ‘I have too much to do tomorrow…’ I finished weakly, feeling like a total idiot. What a bloody lame excuse. I’ve got other plans so I can’t go out; what a fucking stupid lie. I hated myself.

Ashley nodded. ‘That’s all right. Yeah, don’t worry about it.’

I twisted my hands together miserably. ‘Is that what you wanted to ask me?’

‘I told you,’ her voice came soft, ‘I wanted to see you.’

Our eyes did meet then. Hers were soft. Sincere. So much so that it physically hurt me.

‘I just thought about all the laughs we used to have. All the good times, and then the other night it was…it just reminded me of it.’

I laughed bitterly and pulled up a handful of grass. ‘Guess that’s why I try and avoid it.’ I directed my eyes up the tower on the campus. ‘Better to just forget it all.’

Her tone grew quiet. ‘You don’t really mean that, do you?’

I shredded the grass still clasped in my hands. The clock chimed the time. I sighed heavily. ‘I’ve got to get back to work.’

I pushed myself to my feet.

Ashley’s eyes tracked me. ‘Will you go out with all of us again?’

I gazed down at her. A tightness was filling my chest. I gave her as good a smile as I could muster. It wasn’t much of one. It probably came off as me looking a bit ill. ‘Yes. Of course.’ I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. ‘If I have the time. I’ll see you later.’

She seemed incredibly disappointed. ‘Goodbye, Mark.’

Then I turned on my heel and marched back across the grass to the path and into the chilly shadow of the imposing buildings around me.

I had five more texts from James waiting for me when I finally left work. They made just as much sense to me as the other six I’d gotten, yet instead of deranged babbling, these were all equations.

I sent him a frustrated reply.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?

It was raining lightly as I left the almost deserted college behind. And no texts arrived on my journey to pass the time. I wasn’t until I was back in my flat that James finally stirred from whatever he had been doing to reply.

WHAT?

I was dismayed at my options for dinner. I settled on some leftover pasta.

YOU. YOU’VE BEEN GOING ON AND ON ABOUT DESTROYING THINGS.

I flipped the telly on and glanced up at it over my meal. Seemed like the world was going mad these days. Perhaps it always had been. I’d just never noticed. Murder, robbery, fraud, the list was endless. How much worse would it get once new technology was pumped into the system?

My eyes nearly missed something scrolling by at the bottom of the screen. The word: InVizion. I didn’t catch what it said and scowled in disappointment. Beside me my phone informed me of a text.

OH. THAT. NEVER MIND. FORGET ABOUT THAT.

I huffed my breath in frustration. That was not a satisfactory answer. Not after what he’d sent earlier. Had he just been talking big for some inexplicable reason? Babbling about nothing? I had no idea what James was about. I knew nothing about him, besides that he was brilliant—and odd. But I wasn’t sure I trusted his response. Wanting me to blow it off as nothing. Perhaps he’d merely been in a speculative mood. How was I to know?

SOUNDED RATHER OMINOUS.

James ignored my prying and sent us off down another narrow rabbit trail. I decided to leave it. In that moment I told myself that James was strange. He was going to say confusing, baffling, odd things, but he was at least decent and talking to me. If I was mental enough to push that away, then I didn’t deserve it.

4:Nightgood

It was almost a month later and not much had changed in my life. Not much besides my relationship with James. We had continued to talk. About anything. Everything. Yet, still, I felt as if I knew next to nothing about the man. If it wasn’t about his mathematics, he wasn’t interested in talking about it. However, he put up with my ramblings and always asked polite queries into my daily life. In return I found I didn’t mind opening up to him. Talking to him about things that I’d not tell others. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t see his face. He was simply disembodied words that paid attention to what I said and kept our conversation alive over all the weeks we’d spoken.

There was something strangely comforting in that.

If I was honest about James: he saved me. Saved me from my loneliness. I hadn’t even realised how lonely I’d been until I found myself relying on his messages at the beginning and end of each day. It might have been slightly pathetic. But I didn’t care. The tight cramping of my heart lessened at the thought of knowing he was there. The only time it grew worse was when I realised that it could not last.

It never could.

Relationships. Friendships. People always left. And why would they stay?

But, for now, James was here, and I took some small comfort in that.

It was after a long day, as I approached my front door in the chill air, things began to change for me. I had to let out a groan of apprehension at what I saw.

They were still standing there, same as they had been when I’d left hours earlier. It didn’t even seem like they were
trying
to be covert about it anymore. Two men, in black, across the street, both holding a copy of the
Times
they clearly weren’t interested in.

The question was:
Why
were they there? I still couldn’t understand. For several weeks now or perhaps longer? And I’d just now noted the presence of them lurking on my street? Two regular blokes save for their dark shades and matching sharp looks. Was it merely coincidence? Were they watching one of my neighbours? If so, whom? Why?

No. I had to stop it. It made no sense. That was the stuff of fiction and paranoia. Spying on someone, I was being ridiculous! I shook it away. Someone would complain if they were being a bother. If they were casing the place to burgle, they’d find my flat severely disappointing.

It was late. Very late. And I was drowsy. I’d been out for a night with Ashley and a few of her mates. We’d met up a few times since that first and I was beginning to enjoy it. Perhaps, on a little more shameful note, not as much as I was enjoying the new distance that seemed to have grown between Ashley and her boyfriend, Matt.

On the way home, James and I had begun debating. It was politics tonight and James’s views were maddeningly…not British. I found it odd how very…independent he was. Whilst the rest of the world was marching towards global citizenships he was digging in his heels and doing just the opposite. I wasn’t even sure how the subject had come up. Perhaps I’d made a passing comment complaining about proposed spending cuts. It had unexpectedly send James off on a rant I didn’t know him capable of. As far as I had been able to gather, James’s interests did not extend much farther than his mathematics, and yet here he was, railing against me over security!

I finally gave up. James was clearly in a cantankerous mood, no doubt due to a particular problem that had been plaguing him. Disagreeing with him now was just asking for an unnecessary fight and it wasn’t something I was willing to risk. It felt too dangerous, arguing with him, even though James didn’t seem the type to hold a grudge. I needed us to stay good, because having him somehow kept me good.

By the time I’d made it inside and had fallen into bed I almost stumbled into sleep, hardly realising I’d done so, leaving James’s words behind me and falling into a dark world of dreams.

Echoes of the past swam up there. Smiles. Words and memories I’d forgotten or buried. They all arose as I slept. Everything I thought I might be able to forget came to life in my mind once unconsciousness took hold. It all came clawing back from the recesses of my mind, haunting me too vividly.

The best way to explain it was I felt like I was underwater. The strange echoes of old conversations bounced towards me from the darkness. And no matter how strongly I didn’t want to move towards them, my body was traitorous and carried me that way, down the dark tunnel, till the mouth was gaping wider and wider and the voices from beyond became more terribly clear.

That was how it always began. Down that long tunnel of not remembering, to the burst of light that threw me back into the midst of it. Always clear as day. Always as if I was standing right there.

‘I’ll drive,’ I heard myself say, fighting against the words, screaming at myself not to say them. I saw my smile, proud and happy, in the reflection on the glass.

But…something was wrong. Something wasn’t right. I knew every tiny detail of this world as it played out, it had never changed. Yet…this time…Something was wrapped round my head. Sitting like some strange, electronic crown.

I stared at my reflection; reached up to touch the alien thing; to tug. Yet I couldn’t pull it away. It was then I saw it, written across the side in red and silver:
InVizion Technology.

What the hell—?

A sickening chill ran through me and I dug my fingers against the band, desperate to slide it off of my temple. It didn’t budge. In fact, it seemed to tighten, to squeeze into my head till it creaked, clenching against my skull, sending a roar of white-hot pain through my head.

I sagged against the side of the car, panting from the hurt and panic. My vision blurred. I struggled to focus my attention on something, anything. My eyes finally fell on my own reflection and I fought to keep it in focus. Tried to avoid looking at the thing wrapped round my head. Tried to only look into my eyes. There was no comfort there. In the reflection, I saw them, then, staring. Those two men. Eyes black hidden behind their shades. I whirled round, wanting to demand who they were, what they wanted.

As soon as I spun they were gone, as if they’d never been. All that was in their place was a busy street; cars flashing by in blurs of slow motion. And then the familiar vehicle, hurtling towards its own destruction. I stood frozen on the street, screaming, my lungs burning a warning that always went unheeded.

Metal hit metal in a screech that tightened the band about my head and sent my ears bleeding. I was hitting the ground as I watched the car flip and slide. And I was blinded in light, everything drowned out by the constant wail of a horn.

I awoke in a cold sweat, gasping for air. My hands automatically darted up to my head and batted at it wildly. There was nothing there. Of course there wasn’t. My chest heaved. And then the emotions hit. And they hit me hard. I doubled over, wrapping my arms across my stomach as I gasped for air. One cannot describe the pain. Like my heart was being crushed. Injected with every miserable, agonising feeling a person was capable of experiencing. It was like my body just stored all of it up inside, waiting for these moments to batter me with it all.

Wracking, tearless sobs shook my body, bursting from my lungs in broken huffs.

It was nights like this I didn’t think I’d be able to go on. Didn’t see a point to it. I wasn’t so sure where it came from, really. The accident, of course, but that only spawned it, for my depression now had a life of its own, and it did not need much to feed on before it beat me down with crushing strength.

My phone lit up on the table next to me. One new text. From James.

I hesitated and then swept it up.

I CAN CONCEDE THAT WHEN PEOPLE NEED HELP IT IS OUR DUTY TO HELP THEM.

I stared at the words, confused. What the hell was he talking about? And then I remembered our conversation which I had fallen asleep to. The text was from several hours ago, but it felt more relevant now. In a selfish way, I felt it was for me.

ARE YOU AWAKE BY ANY CHANCE?

I tried to calm myself. I reread his words. The pain wasn’t lessening. If anything, it was getting worse.

And then, flooding me with a quenching relief, his reply came.

YES.

I punched back a reply.

BAD DREAM. CAN’T SLEEP.

It didn’t take long for him to write back. I felt guilty for, as it were, running straight to him, depending on him for all of my lonely, emotional needs.

His reply was just as business-like and detached as usual.

THIS SEEMS TO BE A FREQUENT OCCURRENCE FOR YOU.

And then a little later, as if he’d been debating it for some time.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? DO YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT?

I almost broke down upon seeing those words. It seemed so out of character, he must have meant it. Before I really knew what I was doing, I was typing the words that I didn’t ever think I’d send. Words I’d always curiously played with, but never
rea
lly considered.

CAN I CALL YOU?

My heart thudded in my chest. I fought madly against the new tears forming. My hands were shaking.

YES.

I let out a heavy breath and not really knowing what I was doing, dialled the number.

James’s deep, even voice answered on the first ring.
‘Mark.’

I hadn’t heard it since that one accidental call, all those weeks ago. It was enough to almost crack my protective shell. A tear escaped the corner of my eye. I dashed it away in self-loathing. ‘I’m—I’m so sorry to ring you so late.’ I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

He was quiet for a moment.
‘Are you all right?’
He seemed almost hesitant as he asked.

I passed a shaking hand through my hair and swore. ‘I don’t know. I…I just had to hear another human’s voice. I’m having a really hard time right now.’

I felt so bloody stupid. I didn’t even know this man! Not really. A month of conversations and now here I was, crawling to him, at the point of a breakdown at one in the morning? Because he was the only one awake? No, because he was the only one I could think of to talk to.

‘What should I say to help?’
James asked.

I smiled through a few more damned tears. ‘I don’t know. Can you tell me more about that problem you were working on?’

‘You don’t know anything about maths.’

‘I don’t care.’

He chuckled darkly.
‘All right. Perhaps speaking aloud to someone will give me the inspiration I need.’

For the next three and a half hours I lay curled up on my narrow bed, listening to his voice as it rambled on and on in the same tone, going through mind-wheeling problems. Every once and a while he would pause and explain something to me, or ask if I was still awake, or sometimes a completely random question as I heard his chalk clacking against what I could only assume was his wall.

His voice calmed me. I couldn’t explain it. There was something about the way it never changed, simply stayed steady and even. He was so sure of himself, such a total opposite of me. The confidence even his voice exuded made my shaky connection to the world feel a bit stronger. I didn’t care if it was mathematics he spoke of. I didn’t care if I didn’t understand a word of it. It was enough to pull me back from the edge of my hopelessness.

‘Mark?’

I jerked slightly. I’d fallen into the lull of his voice; I supposed it had rocked me into a shallow sleep.

‘What?’

‘I’ve solved it. How are you feeling?’

I glanced at the time on my phone. Four thirty. I sighed heavily. ‘Right, I’m sorry, James, I didn’t mean to keep you so late. I’m so sorry.’

‘You needn’t worry. I would have been up solving this either way. You’ve kept me company.’

I smiled. ‘Then I suppose we’ve each done each other a favour.’

‘Precisely.’

‘I’ll—I’ll let you get some sleep then. I guess I had better!’

He had a smile in his voice.
‘Goodnight, Mark.’

I pulled the mobile away but heard his voice still.

‘Mark?’

‘Y—yes?’

‘You may call me any time you need to.’

New tears almost welled at that. ‘Thank you, James. Goodnight.’

He laughed again.
‘Nightgood.’

And then he was gone.

I dropped my mobile back to the table beside me and rubbed my eyes. I was exhausted. In my head, as I drifted into a sleepy blackness, I could still hear his voice chanting those numbers to me, rocking me into sleep.

I awoke late. Mercifully I didn’t have work, so I supposed it didn’t really matter. I rolled over on my side, took a deep breath and scrubbed my face. God, I needed a shave. My conversation with James the previous night was somewhat of a hazy blur. Lack of sleep and perhaps a bit too much alcohol had clouded most of it away into forgetfulness.

I regretted that.

My one real, verbal conversation with James that wasn’t an accident and I’d been too tired to remember the majority of it. I briefly wondered if I’d be brave enough to try again. It hadn’t been as bad as I’d expected. He hadn’t been as cold and uncaring as I’d imagined. Not so awkward.