Long Hard Road Out of Hell (46 page)

I was surprised that Billy was cool because I thought he’d be a total asshole from all the spiritual hate mail I had gotten over the years from Trent, who allegedly despises Billy over an alleged conflict allegedly dealing with Courtney because when Trent allegedly fucked Courtney, which he says he didn’t, Billy allegedly fucked Trent’s alleged girlfriend, which he allegedly says he did, or so I’m told.

Then I tried to give the fruity pills to Conan O’Brien, telling him they were Prozac and he looked like he could use them. He just smiled with that weird creepy baby head of his and walked away to talk to a friend. I gave him the finger, and he just laughed. It’s amazing the things that you can get away with when something looks wrong with one of your eyes, you have badly applied makeup, you’re six-foot-three and you’re accompanied by some weirdo with the front of his head shaved who looks like a cross between Gregory Hines and a Klingon on crack undergoing radiation therapy. (If you’re reading this Twiggy, I’m sorry.) Then I think we ran into Tom Arnold, who was all sweaty and anxious and racy and basically looked like he was on speed of some sort. I asked him where the drugs were because I was giving him that same wink that I had imagined exchanging with Flavor Flav earlier. And he just joked, “Shhh,” and I said, “All right, well call me.”

As I was trying to walk downstairs, someone pulled me aside and said, “Come do this interview.” So me, Billy, Twiggy and Billy’s girlfriend walked over to this couch where Howard Stern was broadcasting from. Joan Rivers was standing across from us. It was loud and chaotic and no one could hear anything anyone was saying (except us, because we had headphones on). Joan Rivers was holding up a sign that said, “I need to talk to you.” So I felt like I had to explain what was going on to Howard, because it was all being filmed for television. I joked that Joan had given me a blow job in the bathroom and now she was stalking me and I couldn’t get rid of her because she wanted to give me another sloppy blow job or something. I motioned for her to come over, and she came over and got down on her knees in front of me to beg for an interview. But it looked like she was supporting my claim—except for those beanbag tits she’s not bad looking for her age. Since she couldn’t understand what we were saying, we continued to humiliate her until we got bored.

We were just standing around afterwards when all of a sudden I saw walking towards me this blond tan girl—the antithesis of what I look for in a woman—in a bright canary yellow dress that she must have had to wear as some kind of karmic retribution for something she had done in a past life. Though she was not the kind of girl you’d want to hold hands with in public, the fact that she was attractive shone through. All this flashed before my eyes in the first few seconds because I decide if I’m going to like somebody before they even mention their name. I have a bad habit of not remembering people’s names when they say them. I’m usually too busy analyzing them—trying to read their intentions and determine if they’re out to fuck me or get fucked, if they want drugs or have drugs, if… I can’t think of anything else that’s important in life.

So this canary woman asked for my autograph because she’s a really big fan. A little annoyed at being interrupted, I quickly dashed off an autograph, but as I did everyone was looking at me funny, like I was fucking someone’s mother or shitting in the punchbowl. Afterwards, some guy came up to me and told me that the woman was Jenna Jameson. I asked him who Jenna Jameson was, and he said that she was the most famous porno star right now. In the back of my head I thought about my acid trip experience in Fort Lauderdale, and the fact that Traci Lords had actually been up for the part of a seductress in the Howard Stern movie.

She asked if she could sit with me during the movie—she seemed real innocent, or she was a good actress—and we walked to the theater, assaulted by so many paparazzi flashbulbs that for a minute I really felt like I was back on that acid trip in my bathroom with the flashing lights. I got scared for a moment, but the fruity pills calmed me down. When I sat down, in front of me was Kevin Bacon, behind me was Sherman Helmsley, and walking across the room was Corey Feldman, a name that, ironically, one of my bandmates was staying under at the hotel. I was always amused by Corey Feldman. He was a great actor in
Stand by Me
when he had the deformed ear and went around saying, “Jeordie screwed the pooch, Jeordie screwed the pooch.” I always said that to Jeordie, especially when he did screw the pooch, who in some cases could be considered Courtney. (I probably shouldn’t write this since, if anyone does end up stealing this journal and trying to destroy it, it’ll probably be Courtney.)

Corey was in a pseudo-Michael Jackson sort of outfit that made him look stupider than any of his movies had ever made him look, and that’s hard to achieve, especially after
Dream a Little Dream (Part S)
. I felt like it was my duty to introduce Corey Feldman to Sherman Helmsley since I had known their artwork for so long. In order to shake hands, they had to reach over the head of Billy Corgan, so his bald head became the bridge over which two fallen heroes of my childhood, Mr. Jefferson and Dorky the Vampire Slayer, met.

I continued to torment Corey afterwards, putting lipstick on him and introducing him to strangers. Because it is my duty to punch below the belt, I told him I was a big fan of the rap song that I saw him perform on television, which was among the shittiest songs ever recorded yet still not cool enough by far to be the worst thing I had ever heard.

When the movie started, Jenna Jameson kept making comments like, “Well, what are we going to do later? Are we going to go out to a bar? Are we going to hang out? You know I strip dance to your music. Wow, I can’t believe that I’m really sitting here with you....” She had a whole catalog of different “I’m a whore, I’m a virgin, I’m your mom, I’m your daughter” lines; she had all kinds of fuck-me-doll looks; she pulled out the entire contents of her seduction bag of tricks. There’s a scene in the film where Howard is sitting with a famous B-movie girl at a theater and she puts her hand on his leg. At the same time Jenna put her hand on my leg, which completely freaked me out because the part that Traci Lords was originally supposed to play in the film was that B-movie actress.

Jenna’s hand slowly started to creep up toward my crotch, and, since I wasn’t on coke, I had a hard-on. I probably could have gotten one anyways because she had some sort of magical touch to her fingertips. After the film, we rode to the Whiskey Bar in my limo. She had a friend with her that nobody wanted to talk to because she wasn’t a porn star and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a yellow dress didn’t help her from not being as attractive as Jenna. Maybe Jenna had worn the yellow dress out of friendship, like a golfing handicap, to diminish her powers.

At the bar, we sat between Billy Corgan and Rick Rubin. Somehow Jenna had my jacket on her lap, and she put my hand up her skirt to show me that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. So I was sitting there with my hand inside her trying to convince Billy Corgan, on my left, that if he wore a yellow shirt with a black zigzag across it he would be Charlie Brown. But I was so drunk and high that Rick Rubin’s beard seemed like a cloud, covering the whole room. Everybody had his beard. I looked around and Jenna had the beard, I felt the beard under her skirt, all of a sudden Billy Corgan had a full head of hair made out of Rick Rubin’s beard. ZZ Top showed up in the
Eliminator
car and a bunch of hot girls got out. They were all people I had fucked and they all had beards. I got stressed out, and I was having a bit of an episode, and I didn’t know where my finger was. When I removed it I was too scared to look at it or smell it because if it was good, I would want to make Billy smell it, and if it was bad, I didn’t want it to ruin the pleasant evening I was anticipating. So I just avoided it altogether, sitting on my hand so the smell wouldn’t waft.

Back in the limo, I asked if she wanted to go back to my room. But she said she had someone waiting for her at her hotel. Then she had some kind of secret dialogue with her friend in Urdu or old Dutch or sign language or hieroglyphics. What I discovered through my years of linguistic and archeological research into women’s codes was that she was married and her husband was waiting for her, which was fantastic and made me want her more. So she came back with me, of course, and I recalled from the film that the character who was supposed to be played by Traci Lords made Howard Stern get in the bathtub with her. So I thought, “Why not?” The only other thing I can remember from that night is that she had a tattoo on her ass that said, “Heartbreaker.” But then again, everyone in America who has ever watched any of her films knows that, so maybe it was all a dream. But if it was a dream, it was a wet one.

     
MARCH 11, 1997, JAPAN

I feel like someone I wouldn’t let my own daughter fuck, and I feel like someone who, if I was that daughter, I would want to fuck more than anyone else.

     
UNDATED

I’m so fucking sick of people saying we have T-shirts that say, “Kill your parents and kill a dog.” What the T-shirt actually says is, “Warning: The music of Marilyn Manson may contain messages that will KILL GOD in your impressionable teenage minds. As a result, you could be convinced to KILL YOUR MOM & DAD and eventually in a hopeless act of suicidal ‘rock and roll’ behavior you will KILL YOURSELF. So please burn your records while there’s still hope.” Can’t they see I’m trying to help them. I’ve said a million times that if more stupid people killed themselves over stupid songs, there would be less stupid people in the world. I haven’t even sold that shirt in four years. Besides, T-shirts and music people don’t kill people. Poor upbringing does. If someone wants to blame art, why are kids taught to read
Romeo and Juliet
in school? Here’s a story about kids killing each other for one very important reason: their parents didn’t understand them.

*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON WILL COMMIT SUICIDE ON HIS
H
ALLOWEEN CONCERT BY
BLOWING UP THE VENUE AND EVERYONE IN IT
.
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON HAD THREE RIBS REMOVED SO HE CAN SUCK HIS OWN DICK
*I
HEARD THAT HE GIVES HIMSELF A BLOW JOB ON STAGE AND SPITS
THE CUM OUT ON THE CROWD
.
*I
ALSO HEARD THAT AT A RECENT SHOW THEY CAME ONTO STAGE WITH THE TWO RIBS
THAT HE HAD SUPPOSEDLY REMOVED AND USED THEM AS DRUMSTICKS
. I
S THIS TRUE
?
*I
HEARD MY FRIEND SAY THAT
M
ANSON KILLED HIS WIFE BECAUSE SHE WAS PREGNANT
,
THEN HE TOOK OUT THE BABY, NAMED
L
UCIFER
S
ATAN
D
AMIAN
(LSD),
AND PUT IT IN AN ABORTION CRIB.
*M
ANSON WAS
P
AUL ON THE
Wonder Years
*M
ANSON WAS
W
INNIE
C
OOPER ON THE
Wonder Years
.
*M
ANSON WAS THE LITTLE KID ON
Mr. Belvedere
.
*I
HEARD THAT
M
ARILYN
M
ANSON WAS
THE GUY ON THE
Wonder Years
BUT THEN STARTED HIS OWN RUMOR AND SAID HE WASN’T JUST TO THROW PEOPLE OFF
.
*D
AISY AND
Z
IM
Z
UM ARE THE SAME PEOPLE, BUT
M
ANSON THOUGHT IT WOULD
GET HIM MORE PUBLICITY IF HE
“
GOT A NEW GUITARIST
.”
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON IS ACTUALLY THE SON/DAUGHTER OF
C
HARLES
M
ANSON AND
M
ARILYN
M
ONROE
.
*I
HEARD THAT
M
ARILYN
M
ANSON IS A MEMBER OF A CANNIBAL GROUP AND
HE REALLY IS BLACK AND HE BLEACHED HIS SKIN.
*M
ARILYN JUST GOT BREAST IMPLANTS
—I
KNOW IT’S TRUE
, I
READ IT IN A MAGAZINE
.
*M
ANSON IS REALLY A WOMAN
, SHE
DRESSES LIKE A MAN ONLY TO HAVE
SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN
.
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON STARTED AS A
S
AIGON
K
ICK SIDE PROJECT
.
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON CUT ONE OF HIS TOES OFF SO THAT HE COULD
INJECT HEROIN DIRECTLY INTO THE VEINS ON THE STUMP
.
*H
E GOT HIS PENIS TATTOOED BLACK
.
*T
HE ONLY REASON
T
RENT PRODUCED
MM’S
FIRST ALBUM IS
BECAUSE
M
ANSON GIVES SUCH GOOD HEAD
.
*A
GIRL SAID
M
R
. M
ANSON HAD SEX WITH A PIG IN ONE OF THE VIDEOS
.
NOW
, I’
VE NEVER SEEN THAT ONE
.
*P
EOPLE AT MY SCHOOL SAY THAT THE
R
EV. REMOVED PIGMENT FROM HIS
LEFT EYE SO THAT HE COULD SEE BLACK AND WHITE
.
*A
GIRL THAT
I
WORK WITH TOLD ME THAT
M
ARILYN
M
ANSON SOLD HIS RIGHT EYE TO
THE DEVIL AND THAT IS WHY HE WEARS RED MAKEUP UNDERNEATH HIS EYE
.
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON HAD HIS GIRLFRIEND’S EYE REMOVED SO HE COULD FUCK HER IN IT
.
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON’S GRANDFATHER USED TO RAPE HIM WHEN HE WAS LITTLE AND
WHEN HE TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT IT HIS GRANDFATHER RIPPED OUT HIS EYE
.
*Z
IM
Z
UM JOINED THE BAND JUST TO GET IN BED WITH
M
ANSON
*D
AISY AND
M
ANSON WERE LOVERS, BUT
M
ANSON LEFT HIM FOR
T
WIGGY CUZ
T
WIGGY IS
“
ANATOMICALLY SUPERIOR
”
TO
D
AISY
.
*I
ONCE HEARD THAT
R
EV
.
AFTER AN INTERVIEW WENT ON STAGE AND PULLED A
C
OKE BOTTLE OUT OF HIS ASS
.
*T
HE
R
EV. WAS MAKING CUTTING MOTIONS ACROSS HIS NECK WITH A
KNIFE AND ACCIDENTALLY CUT TOO DEEP, SEVERING HIS WINDPIPE. TWIGGY HELD HIS
THROAT TOGETHER FOR HIM SO HE COULD BREATHE UNTIL THE PARAMEDICS GOT THERE
.
*M
ANSON EITHER KILLED OR HAD SEX WITH A CAT
.
(I
CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH IT WAS
. I
THINK KILL
.)
*M
ARILYN
M
ANSON ALSO FUCKED A DONKEY UP THE ASS ON STAGE
,
THE SAME NIGHT HE SWALLOWED A CAT WHOLE
!!
*M
ANSON WANTED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT BUT MISSED SOME SORT OF DEADLINE
.
*H
E CHOPPED THE FEET OFF A HAMSTER
.