Long Way Home (23 page)

         “You
look like you could use this,” she said, holding one of the bottles out to him.

         Shane
glanced over his shoulder at her.  For several minutes, they stood in
silence, neither moving, just looking into each other’s eyes.  Finally,
Shane sighed and turned to face her, taking the beer from her.

         “Thanks.”

         She
watched him take a long pull from the bottle and took a small drink from her
own.  An awkward silence settled between them.  They had been many
things with each other over the years but awkward had never been one of
them.  She stood for a few more moments, her gaze shifting between him and
the lake, unsure of what to say.  Finally, when it became apparent that he
wasn’t going to speak, she nodded and decided to go.

         “Well,
I just thought you could use a drink.  I’ll be going now,” she said,
turning to go.

         “What
did you expect?” he asked, eyes still focused on some unknown point out at the
lake.

         “Excuse
me?”

         “Did
you think all you had to do was come back to town and I’d just fall at your
feet again?”

         She
stared at him a moment in disbelief then shook her head.  “Look, now’s
obviously not a good time.  I brought you a drink.  We spoke. 
I’ll go now.”

         She
made it maybe five or so feet before she heard a vicious curse and then the
shatter of glass as the beer bottle she’d handed him was smashed against a
nearby tree.

         “I
believe that’s called littering, Sheriff, and carries a fine.”

         “Just
stop, Tess.”

         “Stop
what?  Talking to you?  No problem, I’ll just leave you to your glass
clean up.”

         “Yeah,
there you go again, walk away.  Typical Tessa.  Going gets tough and
you just leave rather than face up to it.”

         She
glared at him, fists clenching.  “Screw you, McCanton.”

         A
bitter laugh escaped him.  She turned on her heel to leave but he grabbed
her arm to stop her, causing her to whirl and lash out on instinct, her fist
connecting with his jaw.

         “Son
of a bitch!” he growled, releasing her as he stumbled back.

         “Don’t.
Grab. Me like that,” she panted.

         “Dammit,
Tessa!  Do you think I would ever hurt you?”

         “I
went through...hell in that compound.  Having men’s hands all over me and
not being able to do anything about it almost destroyed me.  I will never
be in that position again.  Not ever again.”

         His
eyes closed briefly and when he looked back at her, she saw a bit of his anger
slip away.

         “I’m
sorry, Tess...I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”

         “No. 
It hasn’t.  These last few months have been...let’s just say I needed that
time on the beach.  And I hated that I hurt you when I threw you out of my
hospital room.  I look at you now and I hate myself even more.  It
makes me sick to think that I hurt you...but I needed that time, Shane.”

         “Do
you think I wouldn’t have given it to you?  Do you know how hard it has
been for me to stay away from you?  To not jump on a plane and go to you
on that beach and make you see how much you mean to me?  I would have done
anything for you.”  His voice was raw and whisper soft, driving yet
another nail into her heart.

         She
felt a twinge in the scar over her lower belly, a reminder of why she had
really thrown him aside.  Asking him to give up his chance at a child of
his own was too much; it was why she’d said all those horrible things to him.

         “I
didn’t want you to,” she said softly. 

         He
shook his head.  “You do blame me.  For what happened.  For not
being there to stop them.”

         “No,
Shane, I don’t blame you.”

         “Then
why did you send me away?  God, Tess, I would have helped you in any way I
could.  I would have...”

         “I
wouldn’t have let you!  I couldn’t stand to have anyone touch me after all
of that.  I barely tolerated the doctors and nurses touching me.  The
only people I allowed to touch me were my mother and occasionally Gib. 
What they did to me was horrendous.  I had to deal with the emotional
scars as well as the physical ones.  I couldn’t...I wasn’t in the best
frame of mind in the hospital.”

         “I
noticed,” he said wryly.

         “That
day I threw you out...you came in right after the doctors had just delivered
some pretty devastating news; news that would have an impact on you...that
still would impact you, actually, so I did what I felt needed to be done.”

         He
shook his head.  “Just like when we were kids. 
You
decided.  You made a decision that impacted us both without even
consulting me.  You joined the Army but didn’t tell me until after the
fact.  You joined the FBI and again didn’t tell me until after.  You
say you love me and then throw me aside again and again.  What kind of
weak minded fool am I to keep coming back to you?”

         “Shane...”

         “I
had finally decided to wise up and stop waiting around for you like some sick
puppy dog.  Wendy came along and for the first time since we were kids, I
felt something for someone other than you.  And I let her go two weeks ago
that night I saw you in Miss Nettie’s, proving just what an idiot I really
am.  Tessa Kelly’s Own Private Whipping Boy, at your service,” he said
with a bow.

         “Stop
it, Shane.”

         “Then
tell me why you sent me away.  I think after all these years, I deserve at
least that.”

         “Because
you are the last of your line!” she snapped.

         Shane
blinked at her, not expecting to hear anything like that.

         “Come
again?”

         “Your
father’s brothers all had girls.”

         “Yeah?
So?”    

         “So,
you are the last male McCanton.  You are the only one who can carry on the
family name.”

         “What
does that have to do with anything?”

         A
tear slipped down her cheek.  “What was done to me...was so brutal, it
tore my uterus.  Severely.  With the scarring I already had from the
IED attack, the doctors said I most likely won’t ever be able to carry a child
to term.  I couldn’t let you risk a chance to have a child of your own.”

         “God,
Tessa. We’ve been down this road before, when I asked you to marry me in San
Antonio.   Do you think I care about that?  You can’t guarantee
that if you were to get pregnant, you would have a boy.  We could have all
girls just like my uncles!  There are no guarantees in this life.”

         She
wiped at the tears that were falling on her cheeks.  “See?  I told
you...I wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time...and then after I left
the hospital, I just couldn’t...I thought I could let you go.  I thought I
could give you the future you deserved...but when Mama told me that you were
dating someone...I realized I couldn’t handle it after all.  Imagining you
with someone else and
knowing
you were with someone else were two
totally different things...and when I saw you with her at Miss Nettie’s a
couple of weeks ago...it just hurt so much.”

         “You’ve
walked away from me twice now.  I barely survived this last time.  I
don’t know if I can chance going through that again, Tess.”

         She
nodded.  “I understand...I’m sorry I hit you.”  She began walking
away again, and this time, he didn’t stop her. 

         When
she reached the deck, Ivy was sitting on the rail, waiting for her.  As
Tessa met her gaze, the smile that had been on her face faded.  Ivy hopped
down and crossed over to her.

         “I
take it things didn’t go well?”

         “Not
so much, no,” she replied, sinking down onto a step.  “He’s understandably
upset with me.  I don’t blame him.”

         “I
know a bit about what happened,” Ivy told her, “but not all.  I know that
when he came home, he was shredded.  You don’t get that way over someone
unless you have serious feelings for them...and those type of feelings just
don’t go away.”

         Tessa
was quiet a moment, staring out at Shane who still stood facing the lake, hands
shoved in his pockets, shoulders hunched.  She wasn’t quite sure how she
felt about the fact that he had confided in Ivy about what had happened between
them, but glad in a way that he had someone to talk to.

         “I
said some harsh things to him.  I didn’t mean them, but at the time, I
thought I was doing what was best for him.  After things got bad, after
what was done to me...I just wanted to see Shane.  I knew everything would
be OK if I could just see him...and when I did see him...no one should have to
live up to what I put on him...but Shane has always been my rock.  He’s
always been the one I leaned on; he was my strength and my courage, and after
what was done to me, I didn’t think it was fair to ask him to bear my burdens
any more.  Shane doesn’t deserve to be saddled with someone like me.”

         Ivy
shook her head, a small laugh escaping her, a bitter laugh.  “No offense,
Tess...but how messed up is that?  Don’t you think that was his decision
to make?”

         “He
wouldn’t have chosen to leave me.  You know what kind of person Shane
McCanton is.  He would have been right by my side every step of the
way.  I know that.  And because I loved him, I didn’t want him to
have to do that for me.  I wanted to give him the chance to have a normal
life with a nice, normal woman who wasn’t as screwed up as me.”

         “That
is the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” Ivy said bluntly.

         Tessa
tore her gaze from Shane to look at Ivy.  “Maybe so.  Can’t say that
my mind was in a good place at the time.  Can’t say it is now, either.”

         “If
you wait around for everything to be perfect, you’ll be waiting around
forever.  Nothing is ever perfect.”

         “I
know that.  I do.  But Shane...he
is
perfect.  And he
deserves to have a perfect life.”

         “Nobody
is perfect, Tessa.  You can’t place Shane in a glass house.  He’ll
die.”

         With
that, Ivy got up and walked off.  Tessa watched her go, then turned her
gaze back to Shane and was surprised to see him walking toward her, an intense,
determined look on his face.  She braced herself for another confrontation
with him.

         “You
didn’t leave,” he stated flatly, stopping a few feet from the bottom of the
steps she sat on.  Slowly, still holding his gaze, she shook her
head.    “Why not?”

         “Did
you want me to?” she asked quietly, studying him for his reaction. 

         “No. 
Yes.  Hell.  I don’t know.  I don’t want to analyze everything
to death.  Why did you come back?”

         “Mama
and Gib are getting married.”

         He
nodded.  “That the only reason?”  She shrugged.  “Are you
leaving as soon as they are back from their honeymoon?”

         “I
haven’t decided.  Mama would like me to be here to stay.  I’ve
stepped back in at the shop.  It’s been nice.  I’d forgotten how much
I enjoyed it.  Not exactly as exciting as investigative work, but then, I
think I’ve had enough excitement to last me a lifetime.”

         Shane
started to speak but stopped when a group of people just arriving at the party
walked up.

         “Hey,
Tessa!”  Lara Grant, one of their school friends, separated from the group
to greet Tessa, embracing her.  “I’d heard you were back in town. 
How are you?”

         Tessa
fought to keep control of the immediate panic that overtook her while Lara
embraced her, keeping her eyes locked on Shane.

         “I’m
good, Lara, how are you?”

         “I’m
good, I’m good.  I can’t believe you are finally back after all these
years.  No one thought you’d ever step foot back in Indian Springs.”

         Tessa
offered her a smile as she stepped back.  “Yeah, well, after years of
rambling, it’s nice to come back home.  Somewhere solid, ya know?”

         “Can’t
get more solid than here,” Lara said, then looked over her shoulder at
Shane.  “Even have the next generation McCanton in charge.  The more
things change the more they stay the same.”

         “Consistency
and dependability are good.  It’s what makes this place home,” Tessa said.

         “Very
true.  Well, I just wanted to drop by and say hi.  Steve said the
food is ready if ya’ll are ready to eat.”

         “Thanks,
Lara, we’ll be along in a bit,” Shane told her.

         She
smiled and left them, no doubt to go tell everyone that she and Shane were
facing off with one another just like in the old days.  Tessa loved Lara,
but she did tend to have a bit of a big mouth.