Look After Me (40 page)

“Hey,” I croak as I sit up.

She stays quiet for a moment until her gaze wanders to the bedside table. “There’s bottled water on the side.”

At the mention of water, I reach over and immediately begin to drink it. My mouth is ridiculously parched and my head is continuously pounding—no doubt from the stupid amount of alcohol I’ve devoured in the past three days. I’m surprised that I’m able to sit up without feeling dizzy. Once I’ve consumed the entire bottle, I place the lid back on top and throw it in the direction of the trash can, missing by an inch.

My gaze settles back on Addison. She’s still wearing the same pensive look. After a long moment of staring at one another, I’m the first to blink and crack under the pressure. “Addison. I—”

“You said that the moment things get too hard that we’d end things, right?”

I gulp heavily. A pit of dread sinks to the bottom of my stomach before I give her an apprehensive nod. “Um . . . Yeah.”

She looks up at the ceiling, slamming her eyes closed, her bottom lip trembling before she takes a shuddered breath, returning her gaze to me. “I, um . . . I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” I pretend to act dumb, but I know exactly what she’s talking about. I saw it in the haunted look she gave me earlier.

“This,” she states, pointing between the both of us. “Us. It’s too hard.”

I shift forward until I’m inches away from her, the bed sheets crumpled around me. I take her hands into mine. “If this is about earlier, I’m sorry. I fucked up. You shouldn’t have to deal with my crap. It’s not fair to you. It’s just once she gets in my head, it’s kind of impossible to get her out again.”

“That’s the thing, Sebastian.” She sighs. “She’s always going to be in your head. She’s always going to be there.” She pulls away from my grasp and places the palm of her hand over my heart, her fingers splaying across my chest. “She’s always going to be here. You said from day one that you’ll never be able to give me your heart because you’ll never be able to love again. I always wondered why you were so adamant about the destiny of your heart but now I understand. It’s because Ava still holds that piece of you.”

“Addison—”

“You call out her name in your sleep. Did you know that?” she suddenly cuts me off, stunning me to silence. “You beg her to take you back. You tell her that you love her. I heard you at the cabin. You also whimpered her name a few times on Wednesday night and tonight too. And today, when you repeatedly called her name out while we were having sex, that hurt. It really fucking hurt.” She briefly closes her eyes, the lines on her forehead wrinkling with tension before opening them again. “I can’t be in the shadow of somebody else. I can’t be the other woman.”

I want to tell her that she’s wrong, that my heart doesn’t belong to Ava, but I can’t because I know I’d be lying to her. I had no idea I called Ava’s name out in my sleep, but it makes sense. I still love her. She’s the only person who stirs the crazy within me and can send me on a three-day bender.

“Addison, I had no idea you felt like that.”

“Why would you? You can’t see anyone other than Ava.” She pauses for a brief moment as if she’s trying to emotionally brace herself. “I thought after Wednesday that maybe we could be something more than friends, that I could mend your broken heart. But today proved to me that you’re not over her, and I don’t know if you ever will be. I want more, Sebastian. I want all of you, including your heart, but you don’t have the ability to give me those things. I knew what I was getting myself into when we started this thing between us, but somewhere along the way I fell in love with you.”

My heart comes to a halt while I process her words, unable to draw in a breath. She’s in love with me?
Fuck.
My heart contracts and the hatred intensifies. I’m an asshole. I should have ended this a long time ago and now my selfish actions have no doubt resulted in another broken heart.

I go to speak, but her index finger lingers on my lips, keeping me mute. “Don’t say anything, okay? I know you don’t feel the same way and that you never will, and I don’t have to hear it to know it. It’s the one thing you’ve been upfront about from the beginning, so you don’t have to apologize. We were never in it for the long haul, and it was never supposed to be serious. I know that. And today was definitely the wake-up call I needed. I can’t stick around and watch you pine over the lost love of your life. I mean it was hard enough watching some chick suck your dick.”

I wince, the hatred of myself hitting a new level of aggression. I’m an asshole. A fucking asshole.

“I have to walk away while my heart still has a chance to heal.”

I’m quiet for a moment as I take in all this newfound information. “So,” I begin, “this is it?”

She nods slowly, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth. “It has to be.”

My hand finds its way into hers and I delicately stroke along her velvet skin. She shudders at my touch and seems to welcome it, but after a second she’s on her feet. “I’m sorry, I can’t bear to touch you right now. It’s just making this so much harder than it needs to be.” She trembles, her eyes beginning to fill with unshed tears. Taking a steady breath, she sits on the armchair in the corner of the room, obviously putting much-needed space between us.

“I’m moving to California,” she announces suddenly.

My entire body turns to ice and I can’t ignore the way my heart goes into panic mode. “You’re-you’re moving to California?” I respond, shocked to my core.

“There’s a great job opportunity out there at one of the high-end rehab facilities. It’s been in the cards for a little while now. I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to take it, but on Thursday morning my boss called me into her office and, to cut a long story short, they somehow found out about my relationship with you. I—”

“How?”

“She told me a client filed a complaint against me for having an inappropriate relationship with another client.”

“Who?” I demand, my face contorting with anger.

“Blaize,” Addison sighs.

“Blaize? Motherfucking Blaize? I knew I should have kicked that fucker’s ass when I had the chance. How did he find out about us?”

“I don’t know, but I couldn’t deny the accusations. There is a strict zero tolerance policy of patient-counselor relationships, so she had no choice but to let me go.”

“Fuck, Addison, I’m so sorry.”

She shrugs and gives me a weak smile. “It’s not your fault. I knew the consequences of our relationship and I accepted it. She was really understanding about it though, and when I mentioned the job in California she told me to take it. And since she knew I don’t make a habit of falling in love with my patients every day, she promised to give me a good recommendation.”

The mention of her falling in love with me terrifies me. I should have seen it coming. I should never have let my own selfish needs get involved. It’s made shit so much more fucking complicated. I’ve attached myself to her in a way that’s unhealthy. She’s become a drug and I don’t know how I’m supposed to let go. How am I supposed to stop the cravings I have for her? She’s affected me in a way that I never thought possible.

I want to be happy for her but as a heavy bout of disappointment swims through my veins, it’s hard to feel anything. She’s become such a fixture in my life that the thought of no longer having her here damn near cripples me.

“So you’re really going to take this new job?” I question, unable to hide my disappointment.

“Yeah, it’s perfect. It’s more money and in a perfect location. It’s my dream job. I had a Skype interview with them on Friday and they offered me the job right then. I told them I needed the weekend to think about it, but really I just wanted to speak to you. I wanted to see where your head was with our relationship, especially after our amazing night on Wednesday, but today has given me the answer that I needed. So while you’ve been asleep, I called them and accepted the job. I head out to California tomorrow to meet the team and find a new place to live, but my start date is January second.”

It feels as if somebody has sucker punched me in the stomach. I smooth my hand over my five-day-old stubble, the sound of it scratching roughly against my skin as I try to process her words. But the only part I can concentrate on is the leaving part. California? It’s hundreds of miles away. It’s like a fourteen-hour drive. I can’t believe she’s leaving. But I can hardly blame her. She deserves the world and I can’t give her that. Hell, I can’t even give her a bucketful of the damn ocean. I can’t give her a damn thing. Fuck Ava and this hold she still has on me. Addison is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me and I have to sit back and watch as she slips through my fingers. My chest constricts and it feels as if the sky is falling around me. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse, it seems I’ve hit an all-time low.

“I wish things could be different, Sebastian. I really do, but I think California will be really good for me. I need this. Please be happy for me,” she almost begs.

I force myself to smile, but she can probably see right through it. “I am happy for you. It’s a great opportunity.” Her eyebrow arches and I audibly sigh at her ability to read me so fucking well. “I want to be happy for you but it just feels as if you’re running. That
I’m
sending you running. And I don’t want you to leave just because of me.”

She closes the distance between us by perching herself on the edge of the bed. “It might seem like I’m running, but I’m not. I’ll admit California couldn’t have come at a more perfect time because I think distance is the only remedy that will be the key to getting over you, but I’m not running. I’m living. I’m making the most of the one life I’ve got. But, I guess you can say that you made my decision to move a lot easier to make. If it weren’t for today’s wake up call, I might have ruined a once in a lifetime opportunity by not taking the job because of my strong feelings for you. But that would have been a huge mistake because we’re not destined to be together, we never were. Your heart is unobtainable. I just wish my heart had listened to you from the start because getting over you is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. And that’s saying a lot because I’ve been through some tough times, things I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.”

She pauses for a moment, looking at me with a thoughtful gaze. “Leaving is probably the best for the both of us, you know? I feel like my relationship with you was beginning to get in the way of your recovery. Lines between business and pleasure were blurring together until business became non-existent. And that’s definitely not what I wanted. Without me around, you’ll be able to concentrate on what’s important without sex getting in the way.”

I stay silent, biting the inside of my lip as the feeling of bitterness and anger begins to rouse from me. But not because of Addison, because of me and my ability to keep fucking my own life up. One step forward, three steps back—and the only reason I was able to make that step forward was because of Addison. I’ve fucked that up. I’ve fucked my entire world up and it’s all my own doing.

Me and only me.

She was a distraction, yes, but she was a good one, and I don’t believe for one second that she was getting in the way of my recovery. It’s fucking bullshit. She gave me so much just by being her. She gave me purpose. She gave me my life back. The only person who got in the way of my recovery was me.

Nobody else. Just me.

Addison isn’t the issue. I’m the issue. I’m the only one holding back. I’m the one not trying hard enough to get over Ava. I’m the one letting the unrequited love I have for Ava continue to fuck my life up. And the love I have for her is what keeps driving me over the edge . . .
Almost.

I need to find a way to get over her once and for all. This fucking grudge of pure hatred I have for Ava is exhausting. The cravings, the hangovers, the heartache.

It’s exhausting.

Life’s exhausting.

“I’ve, um . . . I’ve arranged an appointment for you with another counselor. Her name is Vivian, and she’s been a counselor for over twenty years.” She smiles fondly. “She was actually my counselor. She’s incredible and I think you’ll benefit from seeing her. I know I did and she’s the reason I’m where I am today.”

She edges closer to me and takes my face into her hands, forcing my eyes onto hers. “You’re constantly telling me how I deserve the world, somebody who will cherish me, but you also deserve that kind of happiness. You deserve to be loved. And you can have that. You can have anything you put your mind to, you just have to open that beautiful heart of yours. Why should Ava be the only one to get her happy ending? Fight for what you want. You’re a soldier. Fighting is in your blood. Use your military knowledge and strength to your advantage and take your life back.”

She places a gentle kiss against my lips, lingering for only a second before she pulls away. Knowing that was probably our last kiss causes something to rumble deep within me; a sensation of loss that tears into me, ripping me apart, unbearably so, leaving me vulnerable.
Weak.
This only makes me feel angry, so angry that every muscle in my body begins to tighten with rage and I have to move away from Addison before I do something I regret.

“I’m sorry, Sebastian.”

Her words only fuel my anger and with my back turned, I say, “Hey, it’s no biggie. It wasn’t as if this was serious or anything. We were just friends with benefits.
Fuck buddies.
” My voice remains calm while my insides are trembling. “It didn’t mean anything, it was just fun.”

I’m lying. This thing between us was anything but fun; it was fucking incredible. But I’m hardly going to admit that when she’s going to walk away from me to start her new life, just like Ava did. I hear the quiet sounds of Addison standing, and as I feel her presence nearing, my muscles clench. I smell her scent—sweet and citrus; one of the most enticing smells I’ve ever come across. I slam my eyes shut when her aroma becomes too unbearable.

“Both you and I know that’s bullshit. It did mean something and you know it.” Silence covers us for a moment. Heavily sighing, she adds, “You said from day one that if one of us begins to feel too much we needed to walk away before the other got hurt. I’m just following your rules. I’m walking away, Sebastian. Not running. I’m walking. And even if I didn’t get this new job in California, I’d still be walking away. It sucks loving somebody who doesn’t love you back, and I can’t stay around and torture myself while your heart is with somebody else. I just can’t. I don’t handle pain well and I have to walk away with my sanity still intact. It’s the only way.”