Look After Me (43 page)

I press a kiss against the top of her head before taking a step back. “I don’t want you to hate yourself. You’ve been through enough to last a lifetime. You deserve to be happy. And that’s all I want for you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.” Laughing lightly I say, “I still don’t see any warm family gatherings in our future, and I sure as hell don’t want an invite to your wedding, but things will be different. No more anger.”

She smiles her naturally gorgeous smile.
Ashton is a lucky guy.
To wake up next to that smile daily must be like winning the lottery. That’s what it used to be like for me.

Her expression turns thoughtful. “I don’t ever expect you to forgive me but I’m happy you’re finally letting go. And you don’t know how amazing it is to see you without that anger. You look happy and you also deserve to be happy.”

I give a small smile. “That’s because of our daughter.”

The moment I step foot into the rehab facility my mood will turn sour, but hopefully the few pictures I have of Lily will help me through the next month. I briefly look down at my watch. “I need to get going. I told the rehab I’d be arriving about one. Have a good Christmas, Ava.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks,” I say before heading back to my truck. Already my shoulders seem lighter and even though the niggling of cocaine is still at the back of my mind—constantly taunting me—after getting all the stuff with Ava out in the open, I’m feeling pretty good.

My journey to the rehab facility takes just under an hour. It seems with it being Christmas Day and most people are enjoying the festivities that Christmas brings the roads are fairly quiet. When I pull into the parking lot and I see a welcome sign, a feeling of calm surrounds me. I have a feeling that my time here will help give me the clarity that I need and with that clarity will give me the push to finally overcome this addiction for good. It’s going to be hard but I’m a soldier; I strive for a challenge. And just like my dog tags have inscribed on them, strength and courage are what’s going to help me get through the next thirty days.

One Month Later

PICKING UP MY BAG of belongings, I take one final look around the room that’s been my home for the past thirty days. There’s a small part of me that will miss it. Of course, I’m in no hurry to come back anytime soon, but this place was here when I needed it the most and it’s helped me find the inner peace that I’ve spent all my life searching for. After only a couple of days here, I was already beginning to feel the slots slide into place. And as each day continued to pass, everything began to make sense again.

My
life.

My
purpose.

My
world.

Throughout the weeks, I’ve slowly been able to think of myself as a normal human being and not the drug addict I used to label myself as. I learned that drugs don’t define you as a person; they only enhance your state of mind. They take over your entire senses to the extent you live and breathe it and you forget the person who is buried underneath, suffocating beneath the rubble of destruction. It’s exactly what I did. I was breathing but not living. I was living in a world of my own; a world I’d convinced myself was an acceptable way of living.

But it wasn’t.

It was a coward’s world. A world I chose to live in when I’d given up; when I’d convinced myself there was nothing left. I spent a long time in a haunted place; a dark black hole in an empty hell-ridden cesspit.
A living version of death.
But I liked the numbness the darkness created. My body craved it until those cravings took on a new level, a dangerous one, and almost took my life away.

The day I accidentally overdosed is a complete blur to me. I remember using. A lot. I was recklessly abusing it, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel numb. Buzzed. I remember waking up in a hospital bed and being told I overdosed and almost died. Well, I actually
did
die. My heartbeat stopped for a minute before paramedics got it working again.

After that point, my own drug addiction scared me, especially the power it had over my life, and I knew something had to change. However, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and knowing and doing were two different things. I was adamant that I wasn’t stepping foot into
fucking
rehab—my words at the time. But it was Caleb who marched my reluctant ass into rehab.

Caleb was relentless.

I was kicking and screaming and punching the living shit out of him, but he never loosened his hold on me. He never gave up. And for that, I will always be thankful. He’s the reason why I get to walk out of rehab today—albeit a second time—and finally get on with my life.

It’s different from the first time though. I’m different. I’m no longer clouded with anger and hatred, and I don’t have this whole ‘fuck you’ chip on my shoulder anymore. I’m no longer a bitter, broken-hearted bastard. My mind is no longer consumed with cocaine. I’m clean—both emotionally and physically. For the first time in a long time, I feel free and it’s refreshing. I truly believe the worst is over.

Of course, I still have to attend NA and follow-up meetings, something I took for granted during my recovery process the first time.

My counselor also suggested that I find myself a sponsor; a fellow recovering drug addict who can provide support with the twelve-step program and be a positive influence in my life. The first person who came to mind was Addison but as soon as that thought entered my head, I banished it just as quickly. She’s no longer a part of my life and I have to accept that.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think about Addison. I do. She is all I’ve spent the past month thinking about, especially with her gift nestled perfectly against my chest. In fact, I miss her. I haven’t stopped missing her since the moment she walked away and it only becomes more prominent as each day goes by.

But what can I do? She has a life of her own now in California. She’s probably forgotten all about me and met somebody new, somebody who she truly deserves—
somebody who isn’t me.
And even though the thought of her being with another guy kills me, I know it’s for the best. It has to be. I hurt her by letting my selfishness get the best of me. Her heart got trampled on because I was too much of a coward to walk away.

I’m damaged goods.

She’s better off without me.

Finally exiting my room one final time, I approach the reception desk and smile when Gloria, the receptionist, beams her infectious smile at me. She’s in her fifties and is a beautiful soul. During my down time, I’d find myself seeking her out, wanting to be entranced in the world that was all Gloria and her incredible stories. Each story is as unique as the next, from her wonderful childhood to her intense battle with breast cancer. In her fifty years on this earth she’s lived a miraculous life.

“Sebastian!” Even though she’s lived in this country for the past forty-one years, you can’t mistake the Jamaican accent to her voice.

I drop my bag beside my feet. “Hi, Gloria.”

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me. I thought what we had was special, my gorgeous boy.” As well as being the sweetest woman on this earth, she’s also a big flirt. Flirting is
our
thing.

“We do, Gloria, we do. And I’d stay if I could, you know that.” I wink.

“Oh behave with your winking. You’re going to give an old lady the hot flushes.”

With my elbows on the desk, I lean towards her, a sultry smile placed on my lips and my voice low. “That’s what I was counting on. And enough of this old talk. You don’t look a day over twenty.”

I burst out laughing when she playfully smacks me. “You’re a goddamn liar. Do you think I just roll out of bed looking this fabulous?” she asks, pointing to herself. “No, this takes work, baby. It’s called anti-aging cream.”

“You don’t need that crap. You’re beautiful the way you are.”

She rolls her eyes. “You sound like a Bruno Mars song.”

“That’s because that man knows a sure thing when he sees one.”

“You sure are a charmer, my boy. Why hasn’t anybody snapped you up yet? You should be fighting them off.”

“I wish,” I say with a quiet laugh. The thought of me fighting women off is ludicrous, since I’ve only ever had one serious girlfriend.

“Surely there must be somebody special waiting for you when you leave today?” she asks, her tone serious. My mind automatically goes to Addison and just the mere thought of her is enough to get my heart racing. My inward reaction must be obvious to Gloria, when her smile spreads along her face. “There is somebody special isn’t there? Who’s the lucky woman?”

I give a gentle smile before shaking my head. “There was somebody but she’s no longer a part of my life.” A heavy sensation settles over my chest, making it almost impossible for me to take a steady breath. I replace thoughts of Addison with my daughter and the anxiety almost immediately shifts and I can breathe with a little more ease. “But I do have somebody special waiting for me though. My daughter.”

Gloria’s eyes beam with happiness. “Your beautiful Lily-Mai. That beauty is enough to put a smile on anyone’s face.”

“It sure does.” I smile, eager to get out of here so I can see my daughter.

Gloria rounds the desk and brings me into a motherly hug, something I haven’t felt the warmth of in such a long time. It makes me miss my mom. Gloria’s quirky mannerisms and humble kindness remind me of her. It is moments like these when I wish I could do the simple things such as hug my mom. God, what I would do to just pick up the phone and say hi to her.

Gloria pulls away, holding my face within her hands, beaming a smile up at me with a look of honored pride. “I’m going to miss this handsome face of yours. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”

A chuckle escapes my lips. “Sorry to disappoint you, ma’am, but I don’t plan on coming back here any time soon. I was hoping this would be my last time.” She pulls away, laughing.

“And I should hope so. But if you’re ever passing by, be sure to pop in and say hello.”

“I will.”

She steps away and resumes her place behind the reception desk. Leaning over the desk, I take a post-it note and pen then jot down my number. “If you ever need anything, and I mean,
anything,
just call me,” I say, passing it to her.

She smiles, touched at my gesture. “You are a sweet boy. Go, live your life. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“Thank you, Gloria. For everything.”

“Pfft,” she brushes off. “I didn’t do anything. You did. You’re the warrior, not me. You’ve come a long way, and you should be proud of that achievement. Goodbye, sweetheart.”

“Bye, Gloria.”

As I walk out into the big bad world, it doesn’t seem as scary as the first time.

If anything, I’m looking forward to getting on with my life; being the dad my daughter deserves, and being the person I know I deserve to be.

I just wish I were able to look forward with Addison by my side.

Three Weeks Later

I follow my sponsor, Carter, down the stadium stairs until we reach the front row of the ice rink, just inches away from the ice. I’m embarrassed to admit that this is my first ice hockey game. I love the game, it’s just I’ve never taken time out of my life to come to a game. That goes for pretty much everything. I can’t remember the last time I actually took a vacation, in sunny climates or anything remotely relaxing. The last time I took a couple of days to myself was when I went away with Addison to her parents’ cabin for Thanksgiving.

My entire adulthood life has been centered on the Army, surrounded by responsibilities and protecting my country, that I’ve simply forgotten how to have fun. Well, today, that’s going to change. Starting with my first ice hockey game.

We find our allocated seats in the center section and sit down. “Wow, dude, these seats are awesome,” I say in complete awe. “Are you sure you don’t want any money for these tickets? These must have cost you a fortune.”

He bumps his elbow against my arm, smiling. “Nah, this is my treat, man.”

I met Carter three weeks ago. He’s been a recovering drug addict for the past two and a half years and we now attend the same NA meetings on a weekly basis. I’d decided that a fresh start was in order to help move forward with my life. That, and I didn’t want to bump into Blaize at the other NA meeting.
I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.