Look at You Now (26 page)
Authors: Liz Pryor
I slowly stood up. And heard the searing sound of a few boos around the section where I was sitting. I couldn't seem to hear anything but the boos as I tried to make my way to the aisle. There were a few muffled laughs. My heart fell hard as the unbelievable
reality hit. My classmates were booing me. I could only hope my mother didn't hear it. She was way far back, and I was glad about that. As I made my way to the podium, I felt everything in my body settle. And a surprising feeling of triumph swept through me. A woman in a white suit handed me the dozen red roses. I turned to the dean, took the diploma, and smiled. As I turned around, I looked up one last time at the New Trier Indians banner and the American flag hanging from the ceiling. I knew I was never coming back. For the first time since I returned home, I could feel the ground beneath my feet. Instead of heading down and back to my row, I decided to continue down the aisle toward the double-door exit. I felt the newfound strength tenderly guiding me as I walked past Dorothy, in her pearls and yellow suit. I could feel her heart pouring out as she smiledâsad, but proud.
I knew I would live with a version of the judgment and malice from the gym for the
rest
of my life, and that no one would ever know about the time I'd spent on the other side of the world. But I also knew I would be able to
live
my life. That with the truth alive locked inside, I would forever be able to see what
truly
mattered.
I stepped outside into the cool summer air. The football field across the street was empty and quiet. The sky had just finished growing dark. I glanced up at the stars and searched for the smallest one of them all.
Liz at New Trier High School graduation, 1979
afterword
T
hirty-six years ago I made a promise to my mother that I would never tell anyone about this story. I kept that promise my whole life. I never told my siblings or my friends, until this book. In 2011, before my mother died, I asked her what she would think about me writing this story. And she answered, “Well, you do whatever you want, sweetheart. Look at you now.”
I'd always thought about writing this story, but wasn't sure I would actually ever do it. As the years passed, it felt more and more unlikely. But then a few things happened. Around the time when my mother passed away, my three children were approaching
the age of sex and love, the age I was when I went through this. It was time to tell them, and deep down I knew that telling them might change something inside meâand it did. Their remarkably loving responses, and their unwavering lack of judgment, were why I began to know I could write this story.
I outlined the major events, and I began writing. It was shocking how vividly it all came back. There must be something about a story that has never been told, an unusual preservation of the imagery and emotions. I began with the emotions, and then the colors, people, scenes, voices, faces; all of it came back so fast that I'd have to stop typing and take notes before getting back to writing.
A lot of people seem to want to know why I wasn't angry with my parents. I think I was just too angry with myself. Getting pregnant was all on meâthat's what I felt at the time. I didn't question the decisions and authority of my mom and dad, and I don't exactly know why. I think I needed them. I was a child, and I felt completely alone. They were the only two people in the world who knew where I was. However, during the writing of this book I did look back with a different view, and all these years later, I questioned many things. But by now it is sadness that I feel, not anger. There was a point in my late twenties when I confronted my mother about why she asked me to lie to everyone I cared about, and we had a long conversation about it. My siblings and friends surely heard rumors over the years, but only one of them ever came forward and asked me directly. None of them learned the entirety of this story until this book. My parents were my only touchstone to this reality, but even they had no idea of my life inside those walls. Surprisingly, my relationship with my mother deepened after I left the facility and through the years that followed; like an unspoken bond, it kept us tied together.
When asked what it's like to keep a secret for so long, I have to answer that I don't know what it's like
not
to keep a secret for so long. In time the lie became a part of me, like an appendage that no one could see. But there's a loneliness to it that forced me to
navigate and understand certain aspects of myself on my own. I developed an inner strength that no one knew why or how I had. Those months changed everything about how I saw the world. All of it lives with me every day in the work I do and the life I live. But it wasn't until the writing of this book that I was able to see the path my life has taken to get where I am today.
The most difficult part of this journey has been hiding the truth. It created an unspoken space and distance between me and the people I love. If I could change that, I would. If I could give my seventeen-year-old self any advice, it would be difficult not to mention the obvious: don't have unprotected sex. But I also might tell my seventeen-year-old self that you are not defined by what happens to you in life; you become who you are by how you choose to carry on. And it may have helped to hear, back then, that the toughest times in life do not happen without the gain of something truly valuableâeven if it takes decades to find.
acknowledgments
I'd like to thank my children, Conner, Augie, and Luca, for supporting me in the telling of this story and for their boundless faith in me as a person. They are the reason and the hope behind everything I do. To Augie, for taking the time to read every page along the way, I thank him from the bottom of my heart. Thanks to my brother Bill, for believing in my writing and allowing me to entrust him with this work so early on. To my brother John, for his incredibly passionate support of this story and his unwavering love and friendship throughout my life. To the women who power and feed my soul every day, Laurie Sykes, Kristen Trucksess, Sara Gooding, Laura Dunn, Deb Williams, Laurie Wenk Pascal, and Beth Ewing. To my lawyer, Cindy Farrelly Gesner, for standing by me through every step I take, always. To Carisa Hays, for her constant support and guidance. To my true angel of an agent, Jennifer Gates, whose kindness goes beyond description. I thank her for her faith in me and this story, and for guiding me with such profound compassion and effort. To the great Kate Medina, I thank her for believing
in this book, in these characters, and in me. I can barely contain the gratitude I feel. To the phenomenal team of people at Random House, I am in awe of the professionalism, talent, and confidence they have shown my story. And to Anna Pitoniak, I thank her for everything about her. For her thoughtfulness, kindness, and skill. And for making the editing process so seamless and safe. To my parents, Dorothy and Lee Pryor, for being the perfect recipe of strength and love in my life, and for providing me with such abundance and opportunity. To my four sisters, Kiley, Alex, Jennifer, and Tory, I have valued and loved each of them more than they'll ever know. And finally, to Peter O'Fallon, I thank him for convincing me to write this book, for helping me to go so deeply, and for being all that he is to me in my life.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
âHenry Stanley Haskins
also by liz pryor
⢠⢠⢠â¢
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
LOOK AT YOU NOW
about the author
L
IZ
P
RYOR
is an author, speaker, parenting columnist, and life advice expert. Her book about female friendship,
What Did I Do Wrong?
, was a finalist for a Books for a Better Life Award. In 2011, ABC's
Good Morning America
conducted a national search for an on-air life advice guru, and out of fifteen thousand applicants, Pryor was chosen for the position. She lives in Los Angeles with her three children.
Find Liz Pryor Advice Guru on Facebook
First published in the United States in 2016 by Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York
Published in e-book in 2016 and hardback in 2017 in Great Britain
by Atlantic Books, an imprint of Atlantic Books Ltd.
Copyright © Liz Pryor, 2016
The moral right of Liz Pryor to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Hardback ISBN: 978 1 78649 046 9
E-book ISBN: 978 1 78649 0476
Printed in Great Britain
Atlantic Books
An Imprint of Atlantic Books Ltd
Ormond House
26â27 Boswell Street
London
WC1N 3JZ
