Looking for Love (10 page)

“
Come in. I’ve just got ready so
it’s not such a rush. He’s coming in about forty minutes. His name
is Dirk, by the way.”

Ross
merely stared at her and then his
face grew all soft and sentimental, like she’d expect her mom to be
when she got engaged. He reached forward and stroked her cheek with
the side of his forefinger. She shivered and pushed him out the way
to close the door.

“
Whew, there’s a biting breeze coming in through that door.
Must be rain on the way.”

He didn’t walk in and sit down like she
expected but stood in the entrance as if his feet were glued to the
floor. Did he have a strong feeling about her date? Like this was
it. Maybe Dirk would be ‘the man.’ Could she have found the love of
her life at last? She bent down to buckle up her left shoe. As she
came up, feeling a little light-headed from the rushing and the
sudden head lift, she found Ross’s face very close to hers. Too
close for comfort. He rested his palm on her cheek and then brought
his mouth onto hers. She tried to pull away, but he gripped her
firmly around the waist with his other hand.

Ross
was kissing her?

Since when did Ross kiss…?

Oh, darn, the kiss felt nice.

Her head spun. Warm streaks of comfort
sank into her. She closed her eyes and took in his scent. Ross’s
scent was warm, manly, and quite pleasant today. Not like it
usually wasn’t. Somehow, it didn’t seem brotherly anymore. He
pulled her close to him so that her chest pressed against his and
he stroked her back, sending more shivers through her. She should
be imagining kissing Dirk. He was the one she wanted. Definitely
not Ross.

She pinched
his arm.

“
Ouch.” He blew the words into her face.

She slapped
his chest. “Hey! You promised.”

“
Promised what?”

“
Never to do that.”

“
I didn’t. It was merely
suggested. Years ago. Before—”

“
Before what?” She didn’t want to
know. What difference did it make? Their friendship had been
hanging on the balance the last week, anyway.

“
I realised I love you.”

“
Oh, no! I just knew it. You’ve
messed up everything.” Anger pulsed through her. Her breath came in
gasps. She could kick him out but the look he gave her tugged at
her heart. This made things so much more complicated. How could she
hurt her friend? The guy who’d been there for her for so
long.

But they couldn’t change the way things
were between them. It just wouldn’t work. Anyway, looking at him
now, he was too familiar. The same body form she’d studied for
years. Where would she find the sexual desires for him? Yeah, sure,
he could kiss well, but more than that? With someone she knew like
the back of her hand? Not possible.

“
El, you look…” He took her
hands. “I couldn’t help kissing you. I wish you’d dress up like
that more often.”

“
Well, it’s been over a year
since I’ve needed to and now you’re going to spoil it all… I’m
sorry, I don’t know how to handle this.”
She hated that she pouted like a
spoiled kid but Ross had sent her mind into confusion.

She slumped onto the couch on
her stomach and buried her face in a scatter cushion. He didn’t
make it any easier by sitting next to her and stroking her back in
the
space
between the straps. She shivered again and tears came to her eyes
and smudged against the pillow and her cheeks. Bet she looked like
a stupid raccoon now.

“
I love you,
El. I’ve loved you for so long
but was so darned blind that I couldn’t see it at all. Until…I
don’t know. I just realised it a few months back.”

“
So that’s why you’ve been acting
so strange.” She didn’t lift her head and revelled in his gentle
touch, trying to work out if it made her feel sexual. It couldn’t.
It shouldn’t. But it felt comforting.
And tingly.

“
I’m sorry I’ve been a bit short
with you lately. It’s not really anything to do with your business
or the house or work. It’s because I’ve been trying to pluck up the
courage to tell you, but every time I did, well, it just didn’t
seem the right time.” His eyes were steeped with softness when she
looked up into them.

“
When your business started, I
didn’t like it. I was worried for you. Didn’t want you to get hurt
again. Then I realised I was getting in your way—becoming too
manipulative and bossing you around. I decided I’d better back off
a bit and forget the whole love thing because it changed the
dynamic between us—it made things toxic. But then when you told me
you had a date, well, I couldn’t sit back and pretend anymore. It
would have killed me to see you go with another man before you
found out how I feel about you. Not that I hoped for a positive
response. Well, I kind of hoped against all hope.”

The tears turned into sobs that she tried
to stifle into the pillow. What was going on inside her? She didn’t
want to hurt him. This was horrible. And he was so sweet about it.
He gave the perfect love confession. Whatever girl nabbed him one
day would be the happiest woman in the whole world.

“
Why are you crying?” He stroked her back and then bent down to
give her a squeeze.

“
I don’t want to hurt you,
Ross.”

He pulled away and the stroking stopped.
Her heart felt as cold as the Arctic.

“
I could try to make it happen
between us.” She sat up, not caring about the tears and the state
of her hair. It was Ross, anyway. “But it would probably mess
things up really bad and hurt us both in the long run, even more
than I’m going to hurt you now.”

He nodded, his
eyes speaking volumes to her.

She grabbed his hand. “I do love
you,
Ross,
but not in the same way. And I want it to stay like
that.”

He shook his
head. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
I can’t keep on seeing you and not kiss you or hold you. It
would kill me slowly and painfully.”

“
I knew it would come to this,
eventually.” She dropped her head down and looked at their hands
intertwined. As good as it felt to be close to Ross physically, she
didn’t know if she could go all the way with him. Didn’t know if it
would last. Before they both ended up with broken
hearts.

She let go
of his hand. At least she had a
date to look forward to. Else this night would be the pits. “I
don’t want our friendship to be messed up, Ross. If we took a break
of sorts? Time to cool off. Then pick up from where we left
off?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t want
to leave you. I care about you too much. But I’m becoming a
monster, too. Yes, maybe a break will be a good thing.”

He ran a hand through his
fringe, sending the curly, thick
brown locks into a cowlick. She had to
clamp her lips together to stop a giggle from coming
out.

“
Okay, then a break it is.” She sucked in a calming breath and
stood up. “I’d better go and neaten up again. Can’t go on a first
date with mascara on my cheeks and mussed hair.”

“
You look perfect like that. I always liked you a bit rough and
tumble.”

“
Ross.” What did he mean by that?
Was it a sexual connotation? Her cheeks became hot, and with shaky
legs, she made her way back upstairs to fix herself up. Peering
down from the top of the stairs, she called to him. “Let yourself
out if you want.”

“
I will, then.”

He sounded strong but she sensed
it—the hurt seeped through her house and hung like a rotten fruit
from her ceiling. She sat by her dressing table and looked at
herself in the mirror. Self-loathing made it very difficult to see
herself as beautiful for a date. She couldn’t even look herself in
the eyes.
How
could she have done that to him?

No, it was
better for both of them.

Yet, she’d become one of those women who’d
broken Ross’s heart. She’d always wanted to take revenge on the
women who’d hurt him in the past—send them stinking letters about
how wonderful Ross was and how insensitive they were to dump him or
treat him like dirt. Now, she’d become one of them.

“
You did the right thing,” she spoke to her make-up box. “Saved
him and yourself from untold hardship and heartache. And you did it
nicely. Not like you…” She glanced at her crumpled-up face in the
mirror. Why the tears now? What was wrong with her?

The pain emanated from an assurance deep
inside that this was going to be a break from their friendship. She
knew, like a stone sitting in the centre of her gut—she’d never see
Ross ever again.

And it
hurt.

Come on,
El. You’ve got a date in like…
She looked at her
watch.
Ten
minutes
.

She scrubbed at the errant waterworks on
her cheeks with her fingers, tapped them dry with a cotton wool
round, and then applied some concealer. She slathered mascara on
her lashes and forced herself not to cry. But the dry, empty
feeling didn’t want to leave her alone.

Even when Dirk
came to fetch her wearing the most stunning outfit she could have
ever have imagined on him.

Pauline sat on Ella’s little patio that
extended onto the back of her property. The patio gave a view of a
dishevelled back garden with an unused rusty bench and table at the
bottom. She shuffled in her chair but had a serene expression on
her face.

Ella smiled and then peered down
at her garden.
“I really should do something about my back yard.” She
sipped her pineapple juice and clinked the ice blocks around. “But
what for?”

“
Yeah, what for?” Pauline raised
an agreeable eyebrow at her.

“
I sometimes walk around the yard
and breathe in the fresh air—especially in winter when the stuffy
humidity has eased. I would love to pick flowers sometimes. But
there’s nothing growing. I think I’ll plant some soon.”

“
Good idea.” Pauline smiled and
focused back on her novel, then back at her. “Why aren’t you
reading? I thought you wanted to read the green books.”

“
Nah.” The pineapple juice made
an acidic sensation in her throat. Indigestion had been her
companion since she’d ripped Ross’s heart out.

“
Had any clients this week?”
Pauline asked.

“
Only Carol’s work colleague. I
managed to match her with one of my other clients. They’re meeting
on Friday night for a blind date.”

“
Why so quiet?”

Ella
shrugged. How could she tell her?
“It’s picking up tomorrow.”

“
Are you still enjoying it?”

Pauline always
asked things with concern and a chance to sympathise. She never
gave the impression of checking up on her, like Andrea and Carol
sometimes did.

Ella
shrugged and turned away. Her eyes
still stung from all the crying episodes at night while trying to
fall off to sleep.

“
How did your date go?”

“
Good. We’re going out again on Sunday. He’s taking me for a
game drive.”

“
Sounds wonderful. Carol told me
about it. She was most upset, but really, didn’t the letter
say
The
Album
would
change your life for good?”

“
It did, I suppose.” She looked at her friend and sucked in a
breath. “Thanks.”

She’d needed to hear that. Maybe
Dirk was the one for
her. She just needed to let go and open her heart. She
believed in happily-ever-afters now. Not in theory, but in
practice. Sort of.

“
I was kissed by two men on the
same night.” Ella blurted out her thoughts without thinking too
hard about the consequences. There, she’d let it out. It felt
better.

Pauline looked up and registered
surprise. Usually
, she was good at keeping her surprise hidden to not make a
person feel awkward. The statement must have really shocked
her.

“
You had two dates?”

“
Yes, Dirk did kiss me—at the end
of our date. Perfect gentleman—not asking for anything more.” Ella
fiddled with a drinking straw in her hand.

“
How was it?”

“
Good.” He’d kissed her perfectly. Tender, tentative at
first—almost shy, and then deeper and more sensually, but nothing
over the top like serious tongue tangles or sticking roaming hands
up her shirt. Afterwards, he’d given her a warm hug and a peck on
the cheek to say goodbye.

She’d expected to swoon for hours
afterwards, but she supposed she wasn’t in her late teens anymore
and had experienced many first kisses with guys. Just Dirk was
supposed to be ‘the’ one or at least, a great boyfriend experience
to remember into grandparenthood.

“
And the other kiss?” Pauline tilted her face and her
expression was soft, questioning.

“
Ross.”

“
Really?” She didn’t look as surprised this time.
“Why?”