Lord of the Black Isle (23 page)

And then, along came David…

David… a weight was lifted and she knew she had made the right choice. Ronan was her past, but it was David who was her future. David, solid as a granite crag, enduring, steadfast, and unyielding in the face of hardship, and he loved her with all the ageless strength and endurance of the Scottish hills. She mustered her courage, for Ronan would know the moment she spoke that she no longer felt the same. She looked at him and said truthfully, “Ronan, how good it is to see you again. I am so sorry to hear about Judith's illness. Please know that I will do everything possible to have her well again.”

A lapse of silence caused her heart to pound, and just when she thought he could find no words to say, he spoke. “'Tis good to see ye again as well, Elisabeth, and I ken ye willna fail to do everything possible to save Judith, fer I remember so many times when I was privileged to see the results of yer skill as a doctor.”

But, this wasn't the Ronan she remembered and she knew their marriage had not been blessed with love, and that pained her, for he deserved so much more. Then he added, “I can think of no better hands in which to place the care of Judith than yours.”

So, so, break off this last lamenting kiss,

Which sucks two souls, and vapours both away,

Turn, thou ghost, that way, and let me turn this,

And let ourselves benight our happiest day.

—“The Expiration,”
Songs
and
Sonnets
(1635)

John Donne (1572–1631)

English metaphysical poet and divine

Elisabeth was accompanied to the room of Judith Mackinnon by a woman known only as Bairbre, who served as a healer and midwife to the castle. Bairbre was a woman of solid stature with an ample bosom and a wealth of graying hair, neatly done up. She had obviously been a handsome woman at one time, with her haughty nose and thick brows that arched over her dark, watchful eyes.

As they walked toward Judith's room, Elisabeth took advantage of the time to ask Bairbre about Judith's condition.

“She ha' been complainin' aboot her back hurting fer a fortnight. She hasna had much appetite and feels poorly.”

That wasn't much to go on, so Elisabeth asked a few more questions and learned Judith had been throwing up, but that seemed to have stopped a few weeks ago. “Any fever?”

“Mayhap a wee bit o' fever and one morning there was a wee bit o' bluid on her gown.”

Blood… Hmmm… now we are getting somewhere.
“Did Judith ever mention that she might be with child?”

Bairbre seemed surprised at that question, for her lustrous dark eyes grew wide. “Nay, mistress, she didna mention anything aboot that, and I dinna think she would have kept something like that a secret from me or her dear husband.”

Elisabeth was about to ask another question, when Bairbre said, “This be her room,” and she opened the door and stepped inside. “I ha' brought the physician to see ye and she will ha' ye feelin' better in no time,” she said.

Elisabeth approached the bed. Judith was smaller than she anticipated, and she appeared to be quite slender, with light brown hair that was spread like a cloud about her head. She had a pretty face and lovely hands, and she seemed to be rather shy, but Elisabeth knew that could be simply the fact that she had been the reason Elisabeth's hopes of marrying Ronan were dashed, when he was snatched away and forced to marry her. Elisabeth hoped not, for she had not expected that she would like Judith, but she found nothing about her that she considered negative, for Judith seemed gentle, shy, rather sweetly natured, and sick.

“Hello Judith, I'm Elisabeth Douglas and I hope to help you get well. Bairbre said your back has been hurting you for some time. Is it still bothering you?”

“Aye, it hurts all the time and I canna find a way to make it stop. Nothing I take to ease the pain helps.”

Elisabeth stopped at a basin and picked up a ewer of water and poured some in the basin, then carefully scrubbed her hands with a bar of soap. She turned to Bairbre and asked for a clean cloth to dry her hands. She turned back to Judith, drying her hands as she asked, “Is there any chance you could be with child, Judith?”

Judith glanced at Bairbre and then back at Elisabeth. “I thought mayhap I was at one time, but then I decided I wasna.”

Elisabeth asked several more questions about her general health, pregnancy symptoms and the bleeding, and the amount of time that had lapsed during all of this. At last, she said, “I would like to give you an examination so I can discover why you are feeling so poorly. May I?”

Judith nodded and Elisabeth proceeded with the examination, wishing she had the proper medical instruments, tests, and medications. However, she would have to make do with the supplies she brought from the hospital at Aisling.

Good luck was on her side, and the supplies she had proved to be enough, for Judith was indeed pregnant, or at least she had been. Unfortunately, Elisabeth had to be the one to inform her that the baby had been dead for some time—about two months was Elisabeth's best calculation. The worst of it was that Judith was now bleeding more heavily, which weakened her, and she was terribly uncomfortable due to the severe cramping.

The first thing Elisabeth had to do was to tell her the baby had died and that the fetus was the cause of her pain and bleeding. “Sometimes, a woman will never know and the fetus is simply absorbed by the mother's body. Unfortunately in your case, you have an advancing infection, so the fetus must be removed before you will be able to regain your health. To do nothing would be fatal.”

The procedure would normally be followed with a D & C, but Elisabeth did not have the tools to perform a true D & C, so she would come as close to it as she could. Even in the twenty-first century, there were women who chose not to have the D & C to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or missed abortion, where the baby died but a miscarriage did not spontaneously occur. By having a D & C, which scraped the wall of the uterus, there was also the fear of weakening the uterine wall or doing some damage, such as a perforation with the sharp tools used.

Elisabeth pushed Judith's hair back and patted her perspiring face with a cloth. “I am going to give you something to ease the pain in your back. Do you understand what I explained about the things I will have to do to make you well and healthy again?”

Judith nodded and said weakly, “Aye, I understand and I thank ye fer yer kindness.”

Elisabeth could see she was hurting, so she administered the opium to kill the pain and help her sleep. Like the seventeenth-century physician Fabricius, she considered the use of hooked instruments for extracting a fetus to be dangerous, so she had a pair of forceps, made while at Aisling, that were spoon-shaped. Not as good as those in the twenty-first century, but the best available to her in this time period.

While she waited for the opium to take effect, she held Judith's hand until she began to grow groggy, and then Elisabeth moved to the window to look out on the grounds of Bosworth Castle. It did not occur to her to think about Judith in any other way than as a patient, for she did not dwell upon the fact that she was the woman who had stolen the man Elisabeth loved, and she was glad for that… Now, when she and David paid a visit to Màrrach, she would never worry about how it would be when they ran into Judith and Ronan.

She was a woman and a doctor, and she knew the highlights of today were tomorrow's shadows and that everything was in a constant motion of change; therefore nothing was constant in life except change. As the proverb said,
Life
is
a
bridge. Cross over it, but build no house upon it.

She turned away from the window. Judith still was getting close to being completely under but not there yet, so Elisabeth's thoughts returned to David. She wondered what he was doing at this very moment and had the warming thought that he was thinking of her. Giving herself a mental shake, Elisabeth set aside the thoughts of her private life to once again assume the role of the healer and to answer the call of the physician that still ran strong within her.

It was a source of joy in her life, this being used for a purpose. Therein lay her greatest satisfaction, for in stretching herself beyond ordinary limits and using her knowledge and abilities, she had found a way to know that she had accomplished something. Healing… it was her center, her orientation, her proof that love and life were the most precious gifts of all.

A gust of wind whooshed down the chimney, carrying the faintest scent of flowers. She relaxed, knowing Black Douglas was there, lurking in the background and watching over her like a protective guardian, which, in a way, he was. She checked Judith again and saw she was sleeping soundly. Elisabeth paused long enough to say a prayer for the dead child and the parents, before she devoted herself to the task of extracting the tiny baby that was never destined to be part of their world.

She held it in her hands, an infant so small, and one never destined for the breathing world. Nor was it given the chance to form a smile or grasp a finger or even to be given the privilege of struggling to be born. Created in a loveless union of dutiful passion, it led not a charmed life but slipped silently into the world, unknown and unwelcome, never taking a breath or releasing a cry, fated to be untimely extracted from the mother's womb, naked, alone, and dead.

For a moment, Elisabeth held the wee baby boy in her hands, holding it as one would a squalling newborn, and whispering a prayer and then an apology for the breath never taken. Tears gathered and she was suddenly overwhelmed with wretchedness and the unfairness of life and death, knowing the hopes, dreams, and wishes we are all born to enjoy would never become hopes, dreams, and wishes for this tiny scrap of humanity that never fully formed.

Short
swallow-flights of song that dip their wings in tears, and skim away…

How appropriate were Tennyson's words for the shortness of life. A tear slid from her face and fell upon the baby, and she prayed it would wash away the pain so Ronan and Judith could move on and put the past behind them. Her wish for them no more than settled in her mind when she felt the lifting of a great weight that held her pinned to the past, as if it had suddenly become a boulder that rolled away, taking with it all the sorrow and wretchedness that lay in the past. With a sigh, she placed the baby in a tiny basket and covered it, then checked on Judith, who still slept soundly.

As if on command, the gloom of clouds that had hovered over the castle throughout the day seemed to clear, and a brilliant shaft of sunlight pierced the room to land precisely upon the place on her breast where her heart resided. And she knew the warmth of it had penetrated her heart as well, for she had never known such peace.

And suddenly he was there, Sir James Douglas, his form so pale and translucent it could have been a vapor, and she realized it probably was, it was soon apparent he was visible only to her, for the nursemaid stood quietly by, noticing nothing.

Thank you, her heart whispered, for she saw it as a very significant and portentous sign regarding the future… her future.

His smile was brilliant and filled her with warmth, and then his image began to sparkle like a million sunlit dewdrops that rose from a spangled sea, and it hovered like a rainbow for only a moment, and then, like rain, it fell back into the sea. She turned and handed the small basket to the midwife, then turned her attention to Judith.

Ronan had informed the midwife that he would be waiting with a priest in the adjoining room, and to bring the babe there. Elisabeth stayed with Judith until she was awake enough to be told that everything was over, and then she explained the recovery period and how long she should wait before resuming sex or trying to get pregnant again. She could see the expression on Judith's face was a mixture of shame and regret.

Elisabeth pushed the damp hair back from Judith's face and said, “We have all made mistakes in our lives, and we all have regrets we would like to expunge from our memory. Don't let the past dictate your future. I have forgiven you. That should be enough to set your heart free. If it is not, then you must forgive yourself. Ronan was part of my past, a man I loved deeply, but sometimes things happen that go beyond our control and we can either accept them and move on, or wallow in them and destroy our lives and the lives of those around us. I know in my heart that he was never meant for me, and what happened was a way of turning me toward the man I was destined to love for all time.”

“I feel so guilty for I robbed ye of yer husband on yer wedding day, and I canna believe that ye could ever forgive me.”

“And yet, I have managed to do just that.” Elisabeth smiled and said, “It did not happen right away, mind you, for I had to take a journey and discover who I was and why I was here. So, I left Màrrach Castle, and I took my grieving heart on a journey to find a way that I could practice medicine. I ended my journey at Aisling Castle, where I have opened a hospital, and I know in my heart that is where I was supposed to be. My life is there now, with my work and the man I love, for it was Lord David Murray, the Earl of Kinloss, who loved me enough to give me my dream, and I now run a hospital that was once an abbey. He is the one I have trusted with my heart.

“You should feel neither shame nor remorse, and if you must do penance, I can only ask you to do it by being a good and faithful wife to your husband and a loving, devoted mother to your children. Do not ruin your chance of happiness over guilt, for I can truthfully say, had I married Ronan, I would have never fulfilled my destiny.”

Tears rolled down Judith's face, and she took Elisabeth's hand and kissed it. “Bless ye,” she said.

“You already have,” Elisabeth said, and turned away. After pausing a moment, she turned back and said, “I will send Ronan in to see you now, so dry your eyes and let him comfort you, and in doing so, you will know your loss was not in vain, for I truly believe that wee babe will bring the two of you together.”

Elisabeth left the room and went across the hall where Ronan waited, having been joined by the Earl of Bosworth. Elisabeth walked through the opened door and paused. “I bring you good news. Judith is awake and feeling much better. She is completely out of danger, and the best part is, she will be able to bear more children. She will need a few days of rest. After that, she will be able to resume her normal life.”

She paused, then looked at Ronan and said, “You can go to your wife now. She grieves over the loss of the baby, and only you can ease her pain.”

Ronan nodded and she saw the grateful expression on his face. She smiled and started to leave the room, for she was still feeling the effects of her journey and the long day she had. She turned to the earl and said, “I would like to leave for Aisling Castle in a few days, for I am most anxious to see Lord Kinloss and return to my work at the hospital.”

The earl nodded and said, “I owe ye a great debt, Elisabeth Douglas, and I shall find a way to repay ye.”