Lorie's Heart (22 page)

Lorie tried to pretend that everything was as it should be, but she knew that Ashtyn had picked up on the change. Zach's sister kept glancing toward her as they watched TV. She would turn her gaze from the set to look at Lorie, then the clock, the phone, and back to the TV. A few minutes later she would start the process all over again.

“Did you and Zach have an argument?” she finally asked. Owen had gone to bed, and Lorie wondered if Ashtyn had waited to question her until the little ears were out of the room.

“No. Yes.” Great. Now he had her doing it. Lorie shook her head trying to clear her thoughts and come up with a good answer. She owed Ashtyn that much. “He thinks everything is moving too fast between us.” So different than Jonah who wanted to get married and have children right away.

She hadn't thought of Jonah in weeks, and suddenly she missed him like she missed her own family. With Jonah she had known where she stood. She knew what their relationship was about. He didn't have to go looking for a job or play war for money. Jonah knew where his place was in the world. He had been waiting for Lorie to find hers.

“That's male for ‘I'm scared.'”

“Scared of what?”

“Love. Commitment. How you make him feel.”

“No, that's not it at all.” Scared of love. She had never heard such a thing. Maybe Zach didn't want to get married. Maybe he thought she did. Maybe he was scared of love. Why did
Englischers
make everything so complicated?

“Just think about it, okay? Men can be weird sometimes. And you just have to give them space to work it out. Not that it ever worked for me. But Zach is different. He's a good guy. It's just he's got a lot on his plate right now. Once things settle down, he'll be right back to the same ol' Zach.” She patted Lorie's knee and stood. “I've got a big day tomorrow. Think I'll go on to bed. Don't stay up too late.”

But sleep was a long time coming.

 

 

Lorie waited until Owen and Ashtyn left for the day before she picked up the phone and called the diner. “I won't be in today. In fact, I'm going to have to quit,” she told her boss. She couldn't make it on the money she made there. Not even if she worked twice as many hours.

He was furious, threatening her to get her to come to work. Just another part of the
Englisch
world she didn't understand.

She straightened up, did the breakfast dishes, and vacuumed the carpet so Ashtyn could come home to a clean house. She made their beds and gathered her things. But she couldn't just leave.

She sat down at the kitchen table with a piece of paper and a pen.

As she wrote the words, a crushing sadness settled over her. She didn't want to leave, but she knew she couldn't stay. She'd felt the same when she walked out of Wells Landing. She didn't belong either place any longer, but it was better to go back to where she had come from than to try to force her place in this new world.

She folded the paper to rights and propped it against the saltshaker in the center of the kitchen table. Then she took out another piece of paper and started a letter for Zach. She made three attempts before she wadded up them all and pitched them in the trash. He would understand soon enough, when he saw that she was gone. And he wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. He wouldn't have to second-guess any of his decisions or wonder if he had done the right thing by coming to get her and bringing her into his world.

She pushed to her feet and reached for the phone. One phone call and she would be on her way home. She dialed the number from memory, then cut the friendship bracelet off her wrist, her heart numb as she laid it to the side. She changed into her Amish clothes, wound her hair at the back of her head, and pinned her prayer
kapp
firmly into place. Then she gathered her things and waited for Luke to come get her once again.

 

 

Zach dug his phone out of his pocket and checked the screen to see who was calling. His sister. He had been at work all day. It was almost six o'clock and time to go home. What could his sister want?

“Hi, Ash.”

“She's gone.”

“What? Who?”

“Lorie. Lorie is gone.”

He stopped. He had to have heard wrong. “What do you mean
gone?
”

“Is there a part of
gone
that isn't clear?”

He took a deep breath. Ashtyn had to be mistaken. Lorie must have been called into work. Or gone to the store. She hadn't stopped to say good-bye. Surely she wouldn't go without saying good-bye. Why would she leave?

He hadn't realized he'd asked the question out loud until Ashtyn answered. “Her note said she needed to go back where she belonged.”

She belonged here, didn't she?

Evidently she didn't feel that way. He tried to make her understand. Maybe it was better this way. He was falling for her hard and fast with no way to support her or even himself if their relationship went further. There was no future for them, and Lorie deserved a future filled with everything she wanted. Right now he couldn't give her that.

“Zach?”

“I'm here.”

“Are you okay?”

He smiled, though the motion felt grim on his lips. “Yeah. It's better this way.”

Wasn't it?

“Home or to the restaurant?” Luke asked as they neared Wells Landing.

“Home,” she said without hesitation. Just in case there was a scene, she would rather that happen in private instead of their place of business.

It was two o'clock in the afternoon. No one would be home this time of day in the middle of the week. Daniel would be at school and everyone else would be at the restaurant. No one would come back to the house until about four when Daniel got off the bus. That would give her plenty of time to prepare herself for what was to come. Not that she had any idea how
Mamm
would react. Her
mamm
might be upset now, but the forgiveness would come. It might take a while, but it was the Amish way.

“Are you going to be okay?” Luke asked as he turned down the road that led from the highway to the Kauffmans' house.

“
Jah.
” She gave a reinforcing nod.

“You look a little brokenhearted.”

“Nah.” She tried to look like she thought he was crazy, but her face felt a little more like a scary Halloween mask instead.

“I've seen that look too many times to buy that load, but if you don't want to talk about it, fine. But when you're ready, if you need someone, you know where to find me.”

“Can you do me a favor?” she asked as he pulled into her drive.

“Anything. You know that.”

“Will you go get my
dat'
s car from Zach's house?”

He nodded.

“
Danki.
”

“Do you still want to sell it?”

The thought broke another little piece off her heart. But what choice did she have? She didn't need a car in Wells Landing. “
Jah.
” She opened the door and got out.

“You want me to stay until someone comes home?”

“
Nay,
” she said. “This is something I have to do on my own.”

 

 

A little after three thirty, Lorie sat down at the table to wait on whatever was to come. She didn't have long to fret over it. Shortly after she settled in, Sadie arrived back at the house.

“Lorie?” She stopped just inside the door, surprised by her sister's presence.

“Hi.”

Tears filled Sadie's eyes as she flew across the room to wrap Lorie in a warm hug. “Please tell me you've come home to stay.”

“I'm here to stay.” The words tasted bitter on her tongue. But there they were. She was back in Wells Landing. Back to stay. Back where she belonged.

She tried to smile, tried to look happy, but the joy wouldn't come. Thankfully Sadie had enough bliss for the both of them and didn't notice her lack of enthusiasm.

They sat down at the table with a plate of Sadie's peanut butter cookies and tall glasses of milk. The memories of all the times they had done the same stung Lorie's eyes, and she had to blink back tears of her own. But she said she wasn't going to cry. She had made up her mind what needed to be done and she was going to do it. There should be no crying. She managed to push the tears back and keep them at bay.

“Does
Mamm
know you're back? Of course she doesn't. What about Jonah? Oh!” Sadie clapped her hands together. “He is going to be so happy to see you.”

“I doubt that very much.” She had broken Jonah's trust long before she missed her baptism classes. “He's probably already seeing someone else.”

“Nope.” Sadie smiled, self-satisfied with her
Englisch
ways.

“That still doesn't mean that he will forgive me for what I put him through.”

“I think you might be surprised by what a man like Jonah could forgive.” She cocked her head to one side as if listening to a faraway sound. “That's Daniel's bus.”

Lorie pushed to her feet. “I'll walk down and meet him.”

Sadie nodded, somehow sensing that Lorie wanted to see him alone.

She stood on the side of the road as the bus driver pulled to a stop and Daniel climbed down. He caught sight of her and his eyes grew wide. A grin spread across his face and the sunlight reflected off his glasses as he started to run toward her.

“Lorie, Lorie, Lorie!” he cried, his arms outstretched. “You're home! You're home!”

“I'm home.” She scooped him into her arms, backpack and all, and hugged him close. She breathed in the scent that was little boy as the tears started to fall. It had been so hard leaving him behind. How did she ever think she could go for the rest of her life without seeing him?

Cora Ann and Melanie were equally happy to see her when they arrived home from the restaurant. Cora Ann took one of Lorie's hands into her own and refused to let it go as they sat at the table and caught up with each other. There was a new teacher starting at the school. Their cousin Rachel had been selected to instruct the scholars in the upcoming school year. Melanie chatted on and on about her wedding.
Mamm
was no longer making her wait until her year of mourning was over before she got married. They had already gone to the fabric store and picked out the bolt of material she would use for the dresses, but she was sure they could order more so Lorie could have a dress as well.

Lorie mustered a smile at her sister's happiness. The world had gone on without her in it, just as the
Englisch
world would too. Still she wondered if Zach knew she was gone. Was he sad? Would he call? She should have tried harder to write him a letter explaining how she felt, but it was so hard to tell him that without revealing the love she felt for him.

Sooner or later she would have to explain. It was the least she could do. But for now, she would enjoy her family and worry about reasoning tomorrow.

“Where's
Mamm?
” she asked as the conversation wound down.

“She was waiting on the supply truck.” Cora Ann rose to her feet and started toward the kitchen. “I guess I'll start supper.”

“I'll help.” Lorie followed behind her needing something to do to keep busy. She wasn't worried about the paintings in the storeroom. Sadie knew they were there. She had probably told
Mamm
about them the day Lorie left. Besides, she was turning her back on the
Englisch
world like she should have done so long ago. They were a part of her past and she couldn't be concerned with what happened to them now. Though the thought of them being thrown out or destroyed made her stomach sick.

The sisters worked together to finish dinner. Lorie did her best to appear happy and content to be with the family. She was happy to see them all again and her smile was genuine as long as she didn't think about staying forever and never again seeing Betty and the gang of seniors at table eight in the Sundale rec room. Or never seeing Zach again.

But this is the way it had to be.

Lorie was just pulling the bread from the oven when
Mamm
came into the house. Daniel flung himself at her hollering, “Lorie's home! Lorie's home! Lorie's home!” He grabbed
Mamm'
s hand and jumped up and down for joy and emphasis.

Lorie set the pan of biscuits on the table. Sadie stopped pouring glasses of water and tea and waited to hear what was next.

Then Cora Ann dried her hands on a dishtowel and started out the door. She loved the horses almost as much as the restaurant. Most times she was the one to unhitch them and take them to the barn.

“Don't brush her too long, Cora Ann. It looks like your sister has dinner about ready.”

“
Jah, Mamm.
”

Lorie took that as a good sign. Her shoulders relaxed, and the air in the room lost most of its tension. Everything wasn't completely back to normal, but it would get there eventually.
Mamm
had never been the emotional type. Lorie had no call to think she would be any different now.

“It's
gut
you are home, Lorie Jane.” A ghost of a smile whispered across her lips.

For now that was enough.

Daniel went to bed early. He'd worn himself out in his excitement. Lorie took him upstairs and helped him get ready for bed, combing his hair and helping him brush his teeth.

Once he was in his sleep shirt, Lorie tucked him into bed and read him a story. It was about a little
Englisch
boy who misbehaved and got sent to his room to have grand adventures, returning to find that his mother had saved his supper for him. Lorie didn't think Daniel understood the story so much, but he loved the softly colored pictures of the monsters and other creatures on the pages.

The book didn't appear to be something the Amish would approve of, but yet
Mamm
let him have it. Was it a result of her doting on Daniel or could it be that Maddie Kauffman didn't always follow the
Ordnung
to the letter?

Once Daniel drifted off, Lorie made her way back downstairs. The rest of her family was waiting there.
Mamm
read the Bible aloud while the others listened, each doing something else as well. Melanie was embroidering a design onto a handkerchief, Cora Ann was making a get-well card for someone in the church, and Sadie was sewing up a hole in a pair of Daniel's britches.

Lorie wasn't sure how to take the fact that they had started the reading without her. But most probably it was
Mamm'
s way of letting her know that forgiveness didn't mean she didn't have consequences. She had left the family and now she had to work her way back into it.

“Do not love the world or the things in the world,”
Mamm
read from the book of 1 John. “If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

Lorie settled onto the couch next to Sadie.
Mamm'
s choice of verses was directly aimed at Lorie and everyone knew it. She supposed she deserved a lecture on the perils of the world. But she had been out there in it. She had seen many godly people, many
Englischers
doing good deeds and loving those around them. The postman came into the diner every day and ordered a hamburger to go. One day Lorie had seen him giving it to a dirty little boy sitting on the curb. The child looked hungry and old despite the fact he was only about eight. She'd had people pay the bill for the diners behind them and others leave tips that were bigger than their checks. Not everyone in the
Englisch
world was only interested in finding pleasures and sins.

Zach showed her that by going with her all those Thursdays to let her visit her grandmother. He might have changed his mind about the two of them, but he was a good person inside. She had known that from the first time she had seen him. She just didn't understand how good until she spent some time getting to know him.

But how well did she know him really? He never would tell her about his dad or the problems they had. She only knew that it had to be bad for Zach to hide it from the world.

After
Mamm
finished her Bible reading, they prayed together as a family and everyone started for their rooms. She and her sisters climbed the stairs one after another. She and Sadie shared one bedroom while Melanie and Cora Ann slept in another. Daniel was the only one with a room to himself. Tonight Lorie was glad she would have her sister close. She had missed those talks late into the night. Wondering when they would get married and to who. Both of them had thought they would be married by the time they were twenty. But here they were, both of them over that age and unmarried. At least Sadie had joined the church and was ready if the right man happened along. Rumor around was that Chris Flaud was sweet on Sadie, but Lorie had her doubts. She had seen that look in Chris's eyes. That faraway look of a dreamer.

Lorie unpinned her prayer
kapp
and set it on the top of the dresser. She released her hair and started undoing the fasteners on her
frack.

Behind her, Sadie gasped. “You cut your hair,” she whispered, though from her tone Lorie couldn't tell if she was impressed or horrified.

She shot her sister a rueful smile. “Yeah. Sort of a whim.” Still she didn't regret it. She pulled her nightgown over her head, then perched on the edge of her bed and brushed through the long tresses. She already missed her soft kitty pajamas, but how could she embrace life back with the Amish if she held on to parts of the
Englisch
world? That was the very same reason why she couldn't go back to visit Betty and the rest of the seniors at Sundale.