Losing Faith (Surfers Way) (22 page)

“I know talking about her won’t bring her back, but we can’t give up. I won’t let it go until we know what happened.”

He nudges his shoulder against mine, and gives me a knowing smile. “Were you always this determined?”

I raise my brows. “Seriously? Did you ever see me play soccer?”

“Yeah, Lace. I saw you. I used to get in trouble for watching you instead of my sister.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. Back then it was all about Faith. I was invisible to my parents.”

It breaks my heart to hear him say that. How can parents cast aside their own child, especially someone as honest, good, and hardworking as Quade?

“What about now? Surely they see you now?”

“As for my career, still to this day they can’t understand why I wanted to be a teacher. I could never tell them the truth.”

“The truth?”

“In high school, my Phys Ed teacher was my hero.”

“Mr Whicker?”

“Yeah,” he says with a heavy sigh.

“He was a great teacher.” He managed the girls’ soccer team for my final two years, taking us higher up the leader board than the team had ever been before.

“Whicker was the best. He encouraged me. For years he was there when I fell down, literally, and was always there pushing me to do better. The year after I finished high school and was still playing rugby, I still saw him at the playing fields. I dunno whether he was there to watch anyone else, but I swear it was as if he was there for me. He attended more games than my own dad. My parents were too busy with their professional lives to give my sport, or me, any of their precious time. If they weren’t at some social event, they were doing something with Faith.”

I know it was hard for Mum and Dad to be at my games, but they always tried. Mum moved around shifts, and Dad sometimes got my uncle to cover, even if it was so Dad could catch the last half hour. I know I always played better when they were there supporting me. Now I appreciate them so much more for it, knowing that Quade never had that.

“I’m sorry, Quade. That sucks.”

“Yeah, it did, but I guess I got used to it. I still had a kick-arse role model to look up to, but moving forward I want my parents to be a part of my life.”

“So that’s the main reason why you’re back?”

“I’ve been the invisible son for too long. I’m tired of it, and if I’m honest, I want my family back … as dysfunctional as it is.”

“Just keep trying, Q. One day they’ll realise how amazing you are and how inspiring you are to others … like me.”

A door slams in the distance, echoing from the stairwell. My stomach drops. Acid reaches up my throat. A heavy set of shoes barrels up the steps followed by a pair of heels that click on the floor, echoing throughout the entry.

“Shit,” I whisper, moving close to the door. “I can’t be here. In
here
of all places, Quade.”

“I’ll handle this,” he whispers loudly. “They probably won’t even come in. Once they go downstairs we can sneak out.”

Footsteps continue down the hallway, past our hiding place and towards Quade’s old bedroom. “Quade?” Mrs Kelly calls.

Quade closes his eyes and lets out a tortured breath through his parted lips.

The feet double back down the hall.

Oh God.

The door opens with a whoosh, shielding me from his parents as I somehow end up hiding behind the timber door.

“What the hell are you doing in here, Son?” Mr Kelly barks.

“Ah, we just … I came for the boxes. What are you doing home early?”

“We haven’t left for the fundraiser yet,” Mrs Kelly scolds, as if he should know all her social movements.

“Have you lost your mind?” Mr Kelly yells. “How dare you come in here and desecrate her memory?”

“I’ve told you before. No one comes in here,” Mrs Kelly screeches, walking farther into the room.

“You!” she growls, pointing a manicured finger at me. “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

I take a step to the side, not knowing whether I should just run for the door or actually try and have a conversation with her. When I open my mouth to speak nothing comes out. I have no idea what to say.

“Mum, it’s fine. Calm down,” Quade says, standing from the bed and holding his hands in front of his chest in a protective move, as if he was approaching a wild animal that had escaped from the zoo.

“Calm down?” she shrieks.

“Mum,” Quade says, louder now.

“Quade, you brought the one person into our house who has done nothing but hurt us. How am I supposed to react? I can tell you one thing, young man—I am so far from calm right now. I am livid.”

“Mum,” Quade growls. “You don’t understand.”

She stares me down, daggers in her penetrating gaze. “Just let it go, Lacey. She’s gone. The only thing you’ve done the last few years is create a constant reminder for this town.”

I’ve been fighting for truth, but clearly Mrs Kelly doesn’t see that. “Yeah, well at least I don’t hide my grief; pretend Faith never existed to my family and then sneak roses on her grave when you think no one’s watching.”

Her brows bunch together. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The genuine look of confusion over her face leaves me in no doubt. If it isn’t Mrs Kelly leaving the flowers, then who is?

“First it was flyers, now it’s flowers. This family is broken, Lacey. It’ll never be the same without our Faith. What are you trying to prove?”

“I want the truth,” I say, choking on the lump in my throat.

“I want you to stop,” she screams. “And I want you away from my son, you whore.”

I don’t know whether I imagine it, but I swear my heart just ripped in my chest at hearing such spiteful words directed at me from a woman I once looked up to. “What?” I whisper, blinking as I try and imagine why she would say such a horrible thing.

“Carol,” Mr Kelly growls.

“Mum,” Quade yells.

“You want to know who you’re getting mixed up with, Quade? The girl who couldn’t look out for your sister because she was too busy getting intimate with the Fairfield boy.”

What the hell?

“That’s not true,” I bark out. Heat rises to my face with a vengeance.

“Just get out. Get out of my house now,” Mrs Kelly seethes.

My head swings in Quade’s direction. I search his face. Is he going to back me up here? Defend me? Or is he just going to stand there and watch his mother attack me like this?

I move to the side of them and look back at Quade once more. His face is flushed and his chest expands with each deep breath as he drills me with his glistening eyes.

“Quade,” I tremble.
Please.

He stands, staring at me. It’s as if he doesn’t see me, his eyes locked in a heavy trance. He takes a step forward. His father stands in his path, meeting him eye to eye, blocking him from going any farther.

“You’re not going anywhere, young man. We need to talk.”

I sprint down the hall. My feet can barely keep up. I stumble down the staircase, scuttling my fingers down the railing and the wall to stay upright.

When the muggy spring air washes over my face, I run as fast as my legs will carry me.

A cruel, breathtaking burn sizzles up my throat. Lactic acid pools in my thighs which each pump of my legs. Only a few hundred metres to go.

A car revs ahead in the distance. The whir of the engine grows louder. A shiny red Ford Falcon zooms into view, swerving as it takes the bend. Wheels squeal on the tar as the driver dodges a giant pothole. I squint to see who’s behind the wheel. I’m not surprised when I see that dickhead Travis in control.

When he’s out of sight, my knee gives way. I have no choice but to force myself to stop. I bend over and pant heavily, drawing air deep into my lungs to try and find some sense of calm.

Calm down?
She’d yelled. That look in her eyes was lethal enough to peel paint off the wall.

My throat begins to close up. I can’t get air.

No!
I will not have a panic attack now. I won’t.

Breathe
, I tell myself and swallow down.

In. Out. In. Out.

My hair whips around my head as I run through to the cemetery grounds. As I climb the path, I brush away my tears with both hands.

My shoulder hits something solid and I trip. My upper body swings around as an old man stumbles.
Oh no.
I reach out and grip at the elbow of his grey coat, trying to stop him from falling. One of his legs buckles. His knee collapses onto the short grass.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you,” I say, as I help him back onto his feet.

“You young folk need to watch where you’re going,” he says, and brushes his hand over the grass stains on his grey pants.

He clutches at his chest, which wheezes with each quick breath.

“Again, I’m so sorry. Here, come and sit down.” I guide him to a park bench a few metres away. He grasps the arm on the side of the metal chair and clutches at my wrist as he lowers himself to sit.

“It’s Mr Whittaker, right?” I ask, hoping I’m correct.

He nods and pulls a powder blue handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to dust off his pants.

“Can I help you to your car?”

“No, I just need a minute. What’re you doing running around in here anyways?”

“I came to see my friend,” I whisper, looking up the hill in the direction of her resting place.

He shakes his head and makes a tut-tut noise. “You young folk meet up in cemeteries these days? Young lady,” he scolds. “This is a place to respect the dead. It is
not
a place to hang out.”

“No, it’s not like that. My best friend, Faith. She died.”

The muscles in his jaw tick. He turns away from me and stands, running his wrinkled hands down his jacket. In small steps, he makes his way down the path towards the entry gate.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I call out.

He keeps on walking. “I need to get home to my wife,” he says in a croaky voice.

He doesn’t turn back.

Well, don’t I feel horrible. The poor man is going to go home all shaken up. I guess I should be grateful that he didn’t break a hip with that fall. I’d never forgive myself for that.

I pull my phone from my pocket and dial Quade’s number. It rings out.
Three times in a row
.

Well that’s just great.

I gather my thoughts as I sit on the bench, looking out to the sea of headstones.

What would Faith think about all this? Would she be on my side or would she tell me to walk away?

Today, I can’t do it. I can’t sit at her grave, so I go home.

--

When I walk inside my place, it’s like a giant slap in the face.

The coroner’s report on my desk mocks me.
Open finding
. That’s what it boiled down to. All their enquiries, all the man hours, for nothing.

I snatch the report and screw up it in my hands. “Nothing!” I scream and hurl it across the room.

What was the point in all of this? Did I really think I was going to work it out? There are professionals that do this for a living. I’m barely an adult, and I thought I could do it? Thought I’d have the brains to work out something that the coroner and investigators couldn’t? I’m just a stupid girl who got fixated on something I had no business getting involved in.

I wanna tear down the walls and erase all of it. With each second I stare at the corkboards, the fire in my belly grows until it reaches boiling point. How can no one know what happened? I’ve wasted years, I’ve lost Quade, and I have nothing to go on? Was it all worth it?

With a roar, I lunge at the corkboard. Screams rip from my throat as I grate my nails down the paperwork, clawing at the Post-Its and articles and all the shit I wasted more time on that I should have.

Books tumble. A board falls, the frame busting on impact with the ground. I swing at the cup teetering on the edge.
Just like me
.

Smash!

Shards of glass kick out at my feet and cool water drips down my bare shins.

I slump to the floor, leaning against the edge of my bed. Sobs wrack my weary body. The tears flood down my cheeks.
I’ve lost Quade
. Pain sinks into my soul like black tar, heavy in my lungs. It feels just as it did the day he left Runaway.

The screen door slides open with a whoosh. Through bleary eyes, I see the pale face of my mother.

“What on earth, Lacey? Are you okay?” Mum says, her voice rising in octave as she approaches. “Are you hurt?” She takes in the chaos I’ve created.

“Only on the inside,” I choke on a sob and cover my mouth to silence myself.

Glass crunches beneath her sneakers as she crouches at my side, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Who did this?” she cries.

“I did. All me,” I admit.

“You did this? What on earth for?”

“Mr and Mrs Kelly”—sniff—“I was at their house. She said I’ve done nothing but tear her family apart, and that a whore like me should stay away from her son.”

“She said what?” Mum screeches and then shuts her eyes as she sucks in a deep breath. “The nerve of that woman. If only she knew the truth.”

Of course Mum knows about the incident with Jamie. She was the only one I had to turn to. With the very real possibility of being pregnant, I’d been a mess. Mum had sworn she wouldn’t tell a soul, although I know she told Dad. At first I was upset, but in the end I was grateful because I couldn’t bear to have that conversation with him myself.

“Mum, I’m not about to fill her in on what happened. You know that.”

As much as Mum thought I should report it, she’d respected my decision. I was already in over my head with Faith’s death, and then the panic attacks had started. I didn’t need to be making police reports, and I definitely wasn’t going to press charges against Jamie when I was partially to blame. If I did, the police might not have taken me as seriously when it came to Faith’s investigation.

“I know, darling.” Mum pulls my arm and brings me to sit on the bed. She holds me close, her sweet perfume having the same settling affect as a sedative.

“What does Quade think of all this nonsense?”

“Quade was there when she went off her head. I think he believes her, even though I talked to him about Jamie before then. I’ve tried ringing him, but he won’t return any of my calls.” Tears stream down my cheeks and a loud sob breaks free from my mouth. “My guess is that it’s over.”

“Oh, sweetie. There’s no point jumping to conclusions. You need to talk to Quade and find out what’s going on. You won’t find any answers sulking and feeling sorry for yourself in here.”

I slump against her, wetting her shirt with my tears.

She pats me on the back and then leans back, placing her hands on my shoulders. “Stand up,” she orders in a gruff voice.

“What?”

“You heard me.” She tugs at my hands. My steps are sluggish as she leads me into the bathroom and positions me square in front of the mirror. “Look at this girl,” she says with a huff.

A sad girl with mascara-stained cheeks stares back at me. “What a knockout,” I joke.

“Look past the tears, Lacey. Look inside those eyes and recognise that you, my precious girl, are a fighter. You didn’t give up. Not even when people turned against you or when things got too hard. When it got tough, you studied. You persisted, and this year you finish. Your father and I couldn’t be prouder. Look at that girl and lean on her.”

“I know, Mum, but—”

She holds up her hand to me. “Ah! But, nothing,” she growls. “This town needs someone like you. You’re fighting for Faith. Just remember that. It’s why you started, and I know it’s why you’ll finish it. You’ll never forgive yourself for falling to pieces now.”

“So what am I supposed to do? I’ve got nothing to show for all the time I’ve wasted.”

“Wasted? What nonsense. Sweetie, I’ll tell you exactly what to do. You keep going. You’ll find something else and then you use it. It might lead you somewhere else. Never stop trying.”

“And what the hell am I supposed to do about Quade?” I throw my hands in the air. “If he won’t answer the phone how the hell am I supposed to talk to him?”

“Lacey Louise Marone, clearly you’re having a problem thinking straight. You do whatever it takes. You go to his house, and if he’s not there you keep looking until you find him. You don’t stop until that boy is in front of you.”

“And then what? What do I say?”

“When you see him, you’ll figure it out. Don’t be afraid to yell at him and really tell him how you feel. Lord knows I sometimes yell at your father, but at the end of the day we’re strong because we’re open and honest and we love each other with everything we’ve got.”

If Quade and I didn’t come with so much baggage, maybe this would be easier. I just can’t believe how Mrs Kelly spoke to me.

“He just stood there when she said those things. I thought maybe he’d defend me. I thought you did that when you loved someone.” I sigh out loud and fist the heels of my palms into my eye sockets.

“I know how you feel about him, but sometimes boys are dumb. Deep down they know the truth but it gets overshadowed by everything else—emotions, hurt, and family always complicate things. Love should be simple, but it’s not.”

“How’d you get to know so much about this stuff?”

“Because I had to fight for your father.”

She had to fight? “You what?”

“I’ve never told you this, but I had a hell of battle with your Nonna.”

Mum didn’t get along with Nonna? Whenever she visited from overseas, everything always seemed fine between them. I can’t believe it.

“What happened with Nonna?”

“I was a simple Aussie girl who wasn’t good enough for her Italian stallion.”

I shake my head. “Oh God. You did not just call Dad that.”

She narrows her eyes at me, code for
let me finish
. “Your Nonna had grand visions of someone older and more Italian for a daughter-in-law. It’s a good thing she still lives in Europe because that woman drove me up the wall before we got married.”

“I never would have guessed.”

“That’s good because I never wanted you and your brother to see it. It was our issue, and I didn’t want it to taint any other relationships in the family.”

“You’re good with Nonna now?”

“Yes, Lacey. A long time has passed, but I have to tell you it helps having a long-distance relationship.”

I lean over and hug her. “I hope that I can be a strong as you, Mum.”

“Oh, believe me, sweet. You already are. One day you’ll have your own family and none of this business will matter. When the sun sets, it’s about the two of you and how you feel for each other. Nothing else is really important. And as for Carol Kelly, don’t worry about her. I’ll be having words, you can bet on that. She’s not the only one with pull in this town.”

My mum has pull? Huh? “What do you mean by that?”

“The hospital board is all about maintaining its solid reputation, and its board members are very particular when it comes to persons that the hospital employs and those who represent it in respect of its business affairs. There are people on the board that are already concerned with rumours about her suitability as our legal counsel.”

“I swear she’s nuts.”

“She has issues, Lacey. Losing a child will do that to you, but it’s no excuse for her behaviour.”

Speaking of behaviour, I’ve acted like a crazy person tonight. Who screams the house down and trashes their own place? “Please don’t tell Dad about this, okay? I don’t want him to think I’ve gone off the rails or something.”

“Honey, he would never think that.”

I pull her into a hug, letting her soft perfume wrap around me and her warmth sink into my soul. “Thanks for being here, Mum. I know I don’t say it all that often, but you know that I love you and Dad so, so much.”

Mum squeezes her arms tight around me and dots a few kisses at my temples. “Love you too, darling. Come on. How about I give you a hand cleaning up, and then feed you some dinner so you don’t go searching for that boy on an empty stomach.”