Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (17 page)

Both responded with a deep, ‘Yummm …!’

And then she said, ‘Remember when we went to Pune and sat at German Bakery the whole day having eggs and chocolate cake and …’

‘… apple pie and coffee!’ I finished.

‘Hmm.’ We said in unison again. Then we went back to watching the programme till it was lunchtime and we were starving. As usual, we wanted to eat out and didn’t know where to go. So Aditi said something that sounded amazingly smart at that time, ‘Why don’t we go to Pune and sit and eat eggs and apple pie?’

I laughed, lying further back on the pillows that we had strewn on the floor, ‘Are you mad?’

‘So?’ she said, picking up our coffee cups and taking them to the kitchen. And then I thought, why not? We both needed to get away from Mumbai and a change would do me good. The depression would melt away as soon as I covered it with some hot apple cinnamon crumble with cold sweet vanilla ice cream!

‘Okay,’ I said suddenly, ‘let’s go.’

And that was yet another very dumb idea.

So we went into my room, took out a bag from the top of my wooden cupboard and stuffed it with a few shirts and underclothes, grabbed some money from the safe in the locked drawer where I kept some for emergency. Then we locked my apartment, got into her car, and drove to Pune where we had an amazing lunch. Now that would have been a perfect story. But what happened instead was not. In hindsight, I wish I had said, ‘Let’s just order from Subway!’

What really happened was, we had lunch and pondered about going to Pune in any case. But being less than spontaneous and a lot more tired than usual, we decided to leave later that evening, once the sun had set. We thought we would be there partying at night and return the next day after having eggs and apple pie at our favourite bakery. This way we wouldn’t have to check into a hotel and waste money.

So Aditi went home and collected her stuff and I went to the ATM from where I withdrew the little money I had. I contemplated calling Arjun to tell him that I was going away but decided against it. It was the weekend and he had said not to call, in case his wife picked up the phone. The thought made me sadder and more resolved to take some time out. I even considered spending a week in Pune, doing some retail therapy and letting Arjun miss me enough to stop him controlling my life.

My life. When did I lose it? In the span of half a year, I had gone from being a confident woman advising Aditi on her love life to a woman who needed advice on her own. On a whim, I decided to call my mom.

Thankfully, she was at home and not doing anything, so she could speak to me for some time. After some small talk about the weather and work, she asked me, ‘Why are you sounding so low?’ Mom had never asked me that before. I was amazed how she could gauge my state of mind.

‘I’m not low. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. Aditi and I have decided to go to Pune in the evening and will be back after a few days,’ I said, trying to sound cheerful so as to stop her from asking further inquisitive questions.

‘When are you going? Who will you be staying with? When are you coming back?’ Mom barraged me with the questions all in one breath.

I gave her some random answers. ‘Okay,’ she answered, ‘but call me as soon as you get there and call when you’re leaving.’

‘Okay, Mom!’ I said with exasperation. Seriously! Even when your parents are hundreds of miles away, you’ll still have to be accountable to them for your life, no matter how old you are. Little did I know then that that call to my mother would save my life. But more on that later.

Aditi had packed enough for an entire month. ‘Why do you need so many clothes?’ I asked, stuffing my small duffel bag into the boot of her car.

She rolled her eyes at me and said, ‘Because each outfit needs to have a matching handbag and shoes. And I never mismatch, or what do they call it nowadays … ya, cross coordinate outfits.’

‘Whateva! Let’s go!’ I said, suddenly all excited and happy.

And we took off towards Pune at about six in the evening with loud Punjabi music playing on the stereo. I was finally looking forward to something new in my life.

We almost didn’t make it to Pune, or not in the state we had hoped. And that phone call I made to my mother two hours earlier, was the last time I would speak to her for the next twenty-four hours. But a call was made to my mother. From my phone. By a policeman who informed her that I was in a hospital in Pune.

Here’s what happened as far as I can remember and with pieces put together later by Aditi and the policemen.

Aditi and I were listening to loud music and thoroughly enjoying ourselves as we prepared to party the night away in Pune. We had listed all the names of pubs we knew in alphabetical order and thought we should have opened up a pub ourselves. This was the conversation we were having when suddenly, there was a freak cloudburst. As people who have travelled to Pune would know, when there is rain on those uphill, curving roads, there’s not much you can do but drive slowly and hope for the rain to pass.

What we had not anticipated was that there would be a truck that would slip on the road and push our car, that was trying to overtake it, on to the side of the mountain, leaving both Aditi and me compressed between the truck and a rock, with her car completely smashed.

The doctors told us later that we were lucky to have survived. But I had lost my voice due to shock and also because I had screamed so loudly that it took all my strength and sanity away. I had also injured my right arm. Aditi had broken her left leg and had a mild concussion that kept her semi unconscious for twenty-four hours. It was an extremely scary situation. Although it was Aditi’s suggestion to go to Pune, I felt terribly guilty for playing along with her impromptu plan. And all because I wanted to get away from a bad relationship.

The police officer said that since the call to my mother had been the last dialled number on the phone, it was easy to tell them where I was, and that they had informed Aditi’s parents.

Aditi and I had woken up in a strange Pune hospital with anxious parents at our bedside. As soon as my mom heard that I was going to survive with no real damage, she burst into tears and started giving me the shouting of a lifetime. It wasn’t a lecture. It was shouting. I couldn’t even protest since my voice had gone!

She refused to speak to Aditi and warned me that if I ever did, I would be in serious jeopardy of losing the inheritance of jewellery she had kept for me. It was the most absurd thing I had ever heard and made me smile in spite of my aches. And immediately I had to tell someone.

But I wasn’t thinking about Aditi. I was thinking about Arjun. I needed to tell him. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t call him because I had no voice and I couldn’t SMS since my right hand was in pain. So I had to tell Aditi to call and let him know about our situation. But Aditi was in another room in a plaster with her leg up with her parents giving her the same lowdown that my parents had been giving me. So I called the nurse and gestured to her to give me a pen and paper to write. My mother was getting more agitated by the minute, ‘What do you want to write now? You’ve been told to sleep and take it easy till they discharge you the day after tomorrow. And we’re taking you right back to Bangalore. No more staying in Mumbai all by yourself. No, don’t shake your head. I don’t want to hear your stupid arguments anymore about how great that city is.’

My mother even insisted that she would write the note to Aditi, but I told them I needed to sleep and they left me for a while. Then I told the nurse to write my note and give it to Aditi. The note said, ‘Call Arjun and tell him where I am’. The nurse took the note and my mobile to Aditi in the adjacent room. I should have asked after Aditi. But my mind was possessed by thoughts of Arjun.

Then the antibiotics took over and I went to sleep for a few hours. I knew he would come and make it all better. He would take me home and look after me and save me from going back with my mother and living a life where I would be asked about my plans for the future everyday.

But he didn’t come. He wasn’t there when I woke up fourteen hours later. So I thought that maybe Aditi hadn’t told him. I got up from my bed despite many protests from my parents and went to Aditi’s room. She was lying in bed alone. I went and sat near her. She smiled at me and said, ‘Hey, you. How are you?’

I nodded and mouthed the words, ‘I’m okay.’

‘I’m really sorry, babe,’ she said squeezing my hand, ‘I should have seen that truck …’

I cut her off by gently slapping her wrist and shaking my head. Then I kissed her forehead. We sat there holding each other for some time. Aditi was my best friend. And I was hers. We could have lost each other. And that revelation was hitting us at that point. After a few tears, I had to ask her what was foremost on my mind. I spoke softly, ‘Did you call him?’ and she said, ‘I sent a text, Kaveri. From your phone. I told him that we were in an accident and we were both in the hospital.’

‘And?’ I asked, hopeful.

‘And he wrote back,’ she then picked up my phone and gave it to me to read.

By the look on her face I guessed what it be. But I needed to read it anyway: ‘Thank God you’re alive. Next time be careful.’ That was it.

There was no long message about how he was planning to come and get me or questions about when I would be home. Nothing. I looked up at Aditi, waiting for her to tell me she had ‘told me so’ about the guy. But instead she defended him.

‘Maybe he is too scared and frightened by what happened. Maybe he didn’t know what to say or how to react. Give me the mobile, let me send another message.’ I kept quiet. Somehow I didn’t believe that, but I gave her my mobile and let her send another text message. ‘I’m shocked. And in pain.’

After what seemed like an eternity, but was only a few minutes, the phone buzzed. It was a similar message. ‘It’s natural to be traumatized. Hope your parents are looking after you. Will see you once you’re back.’

What did he mean by that? Didn’t he want to come and see me
now
? I could not believe it. I took my mobile from Aditi. She was now a witness to my relationship disintegrating. With great pain, I wrote back with hope one last time, ‘Rescue me from my parents. They are threatening to take me back to Bangalore. And I don’t want to go.’

And he replied, ‘Smile. Maybe that would be a good option for you right now.’

What? I thought. Is this how well he knew my feelings?

Either he didn’t understand the sarcasm in my text or he didn’t want to come. Any which way, right then I realized that I could not depend on Arjun D’Souza anymore. And my relationship was finally over.

I ran to another floor where no one could find me and dissolved into tears.

When I was released from the hospital, my parents wanted to take me back to Bangalore with them immediately. But I told them I needed to collect my things from my house and check if everything was okay. After many arguments and protests, my parents flew back to Bangalore and I flew to Mumbai with Aditi and her parents. I was still under the false hope that Arjun might come and apologize and offer to look after me.

I went back to my apartment alone from the airport with a sling on my right arm and a hoarse voice. It had been five days since we had headed out on a whim to Pune to have a fun day.

There are a lot of people who will say destiny controls you and there are a few who will say you need to control destiny. Most often you wish for the first, because it’s the easier way out. You know how I know that’s true? Because I thought I was waiting for destiny to make my life better and was riding with the wave, but the signal I got from destiny shouted out loud that it was time for me to take life in my own hands.

As soon as I got into my apartment, I called Arjun. He picked up and spoke in a soft tone, ‘Hello.’

I started crying. I hadn’t heard his voice in a week. Plus, I had all these questions to ask him.

‘Hey,’ I said, hoarsely.

‘You sound terrible, baby.’ I didn’t say anything. He continued, ‘I missed you, baby.’

And I cried some more and asked, ‘Then why didn’t you come to see me?’

‘Baby. I’m so sorry. It was just that Maria started bleeding and the doctor said we needed to put a stitch in and we were in the hospital for the last five days. Can you believe that? What are the chances of two tragedies happening at the same time to both the women in my life?’ he tried to laugh it off.

I wasn’t convinced.

‘But why didn’t you SMS or call?’

‘Because Aditi told me your voice was out and you couldn’t call and I presumed your phone was with your mom and you know how I am about people finding out before the time is right. So I didn’t want to get caught. Baby, we’ve discussed this. No parents involved at any time.’

‘Arjun,’ I said softly. ‘My mother was asking why there was no one in my life who could look after me. She was hinting at the fact that there should be
someone
who can look after me if they die.’

He tried to interrupt, ‘But …’

I cut him off, ‘But I know they’re not going to die right now. But I suppose all parents want their kids to settle down and be married so as not to worry about them in their old age. Things like, if my kid gets into an accident and I’m too old to look after her, will there be someone who will?’

He was quiet.

I tried to elicit some response and continued, ‘I want to know whether you’ll be there for me?’

He was still quiet. I realized that relationships don’t get more intense with time, they get more casual. If there was a certain nonchalance right now, I knew I could not expect it to become intense later. This was as intense as I needed it and he couldn’t step up to the challenge.

‘Well?’ I asked, with my voice raised.

He said, ‘Kaveri, I want to be there for you. But I can’t make a promise right now. I need to see Maria and the baby settled. I promise I will be with you. Just give me time. It is
my
baby, after all. You do understand that, don’t you?’

I wanted to scream. I could not believe this! Here I was, giving him an opportunity to make it up to me and all he could talk about was his wife and baby. Yes, I understood it. I understood it very clearly.