Losing Virginity (6 page)

Jess
uploaded a very charming photo of me that was taken by her when we decided to
spend an entire snowed-in day in our beds, watching Woody Allen movies. It was
a bit too intimate for me, but Jess wouldn't budge on it. She answered a few
questions for me, getting it right for the most part although I feel like I
should put less out there on the internet. Oh well and so it began.

On with the show.
Little did I
know it would be the Barnum and Bailey freak
show.

-----------Chapter
6-----------

The
sparse rooms that served as the offices for We Can Do It! were curiously empty
for a weekday morning. Of course, this didn't mean anything less would be
expected from me. In fact, knowing Battle-Axe Betty, this would mean quite a
lot more would be expected of me. And I still had enough homework left to choke
a horse.

Then
it hit me. I realized that it was a Friday morning. Thirsty Thursdays did not
make for well-staffed Fridays. Or even for classes with more than one-half in
attendance. This was something I was sure the
teachers
on-campus and the bosses off-campus had accepted long ago, but somehow I still
never was sharp enough or bold enough to skip out on Friday mornings because of
a sore throat.

I
trudged into the offices. No one had even made coffee.

After
my talk with Jess a week ago, my initial impression of the welcome into the
online dating world of OKCupid and my terror of not being able to fulfill my
end of the bet with Jess, giving her free reign to basically pimp me out, I was
exhausted. If a girl spent this much time thinking about sex ...
scratch
that. If a girl spent this time worrying about sex,
sex that she'd NEVER had, how was she ever supposed to sustain work and school
at the same time? I had heard it joked about so many times before that you
can't do them both unless you're poor and then you usually manage to.

"KIIIITRIIIDGE!"

Bartok.
The sound of her shrieking was as recognizable as Professor - that is, Michael
- Tunde's bourbon and chocolate syrup tone. Her always accusatory voice rang
through the small one-floor office like a banshee that had just broke loose
under a full moon in search of warm blood. I half expected the building's
windows to shatter.

As
I trudged towards her office, not failing to notice the judgmental stares the
rest of the staff was giving me - all quick, mortified glances before the
studious lowering of heads - I couldn't help but think that Jess’ little
lecture from last night was about to be repeated to me, this time in a rasping
nicotine hiss.

Alex's
eyes seemed to be completely shut, as far as I could tell. The usually
impeccably-dressed and swishing Latin boy-monger staggered towards me, using
any available body or desktop for support, and leaking papers from the folder
he carried all the way. The poor guy smelled like Pabst, KY, and way too much
of some sort of perfume ... Definitely not one intended for a guy. He had definitely
guerilla-groomed himself on the way out of Dunbar. His hair attested to that.

"Um.
What's going on
there with your lip, babe?" I asked him.

That
comment made his eyes open really fast.

"Oh
my god WHAT?" he screamed.

I
was quickly saved by Veronica, pulling Alex aside and comforting the whimpering
sack of deflated Mario Lopez, who also had his pink polo on inside out. I
wondered what kind of action he had seen last night.

"It's
okay, baby,
it's
okay," Veronica was cooing while
glaring at me as I made my way down to Betty’s office.

Alex
had a serious cold sore, and I had made the mistake of mentioning it. My friend
was now a gibbering hair-gelled, lubricated, Captain Morgan's, and ladies'
perfume-soaked mess on the floor with Veronica trying to bring him back down
like the police would a jumper.

"I'm
SURE Olivia will be right back to tell you that little spot
ain't
no
thang
. She's just taking
it out on you because she’s in trouble with Betty!" she bellowed down the
hall.

Bartok
was straddling the front of her desk like the lieutenant in some cheesy 90's
cop film, arms crossed. Her pantsuit didn't seem prepared for the aggressive
contortions they were being put through, and I just prayed that the thing
wouldn't rip.

She
was holding a bronze paperweight in the shape of a WWII-era grenade that was
really cylindrical and really notched. I just hoped she wasn't going to throw
it at me.

"Hi Olivia."

I
nodded as I stood awkwardly in the door.

“Come
in and shut the door, please.”

Her
voice was way too soft for comfort. I did as I was told and when she motioned
for me to take a seat I flopped down, letting out a big sigh like this was just
a waste of my time. I looked up at her and waited for her to begin.

"Olivia,
are you happy here? Is there something going on with school or at home that is
distracting you?" she asked.

I
was not prepared for this.

“No.
Nothing’s wrong. I’m happy hear,” I mumbled, barely scraping up the enthusiasm
needed to make my words sound convincing.

“Yesterday
afternoon I went to check your progress and you had these three files out of
order.”

“Three
files out of the entire four drawers I have completed so far?”

“Yes,
Olivia, three files.”

Was
she for real? I was called into a ‘come in and shut the door’ meeting for three
misfiled files? I wanted to pat myself on the back and smile right in her face
saying ‘that’s great because I was really out of it and positive I misfiled at
least half the files. Three…Well,
hell,
I should get a
raise…If I wasn’t an intern working for FREE.’ It's perfectly legal to be
stupid at times but some people just completely take advantage, like her. You’d
think with smart phones, smart cars, and smart televisions... We’d start making
smart people. I wanted to say it to her, but I held my tongue.

“You
see, Olivia, this kind of carelessness could have cost someone a lot of time
searching.
Searching because of your mistake.”

I
nodded my head up and down and displayed not one emotion. She wasn’t going to
get the best of me.

“Why
do you think you made this mistake?”

WHAT?
I screamed in my head. I looked at her like she had lobsters coming out of her
ears.

“Uh,
because it was…A mistake…And…I didn’t realize I did it? That’s what makes it a
mistake, I think.”

“The
next time you have a problem with a project I assign you, just ask someone for
help. I know you feel you don’t need to but if it helps avoid this kind of
problem then do it.” Her tone was rude.

“Well,”
I felt myself approaching the cliff, but would I jump off? My mouth made the
decision for me before my head could stop me.

“If
it is a mistake, then that means it was on accident so I didn’t realize I was
having a problem. So, how do you ask for help before I make a mistake? I mean,
this is just filing. Lots of numbers sometimes get jumbled together and a
person might have a dyslexic moment. Are mistakes not allowed…Anymore?”

OKAY,
it was a little convoluted but I knew what I was saying and I knew I was right.

Betty
narrowed her eyes at me and I thought I’d hear those two words I really didn’t
want to hear just yet. Instead she said four words I was very happy to hear.

“Get
back to work.”

Yup,
if you can’t dazzle them with your intellect, baffle them with your bullshit.

I
walked out of her office and it was like those dreams when you are in school
completely naked. Everyone was staring at me until they realized I wasn’t
crying or shaking or whatever they had expected to see me do. I went back to
keep working on my filing project.

………

My
shift was over in fifteen minutes. Apparently, there was an IRS audit of the
charity on the way, and Betty needed to know that every "I" was
dotted and every "T" was crossed and that there were no relevant
files missing from the different initiatives that We Can Do It! had taken on.
She could have just said that. It would have made me a lot more productive.

And
to make matters worse, the mindless tasks this psychopath had left me with,
also left me with little other than my sleep-deprived thoughts for company. I
saw Veronica slither past the glass door of the file room a few times, mouthing
something amounting to "Oh shit!" I saw Alex's tan, skeletal form
only once. His shirt was still on inside out and I assumed he found a bathroom
stall to curl up and die in for a while.

It
must be nice. At least he got some ... Or
rather,
someone got some ass last night.

I
took periodic breaks when I assumed Betty was napping and logged onto one of
the office's computers. I checked for messages on my new OKCupid profile a few
times. Okay. I checked maybe more than a few times. What can I say? I was
desperate.

Lo
and behold, there were indeed two messages at around 4:00. The first message
was from the username BigStick... Okay... Talk about putting it right out
there. I understand that off the bat. I laughed as I whispered the username. I
needed a stick but not by a guy who uses his big stick on a lot of girls…

………

BigStick:
Hey there. You seem like a pretty cool girl. Want to come over for a movie
night sometime? I should be back in town soon.

………

I
was interested in a date…
 
But who knew
when he’d be back in town. I wanted to know more about him so I looked at his
profile...

………

BIGSTICK

Ryder

28/Straight/Single

Hanover,
New Hampshire

Summary:
I'm just a guy, really. I work in the non-profit industry, and that sort of
work really appeals to me. There are a lot of people in this world who aren't
nearly as privileged as I am and I think everyone deserves a shot at a good
life. After work you might think I'm a different guy, though! I like to have
fun, and you never know where you might find me on a Friday night. I want to
see as much of the world as I can while I'm still breathing!

What
I'm
Doing
With My Life: Like I said, I work at a
non-profit. Okay, more like I run a non-profit. I also volunteer, when I can
find the time, at an animal shelter here in Hanover.

I'm
Really Good At: Deciding what my goals are and going for them! I'm also good at
a few other things, but I'll leave those for you to figure out :)

The
first things people usually notice about me: People usually tell me that I come
across as a real professional type. Then they tell me how gorgeous my eyes are
;)

Favorite
books, movies, shows, music, and food: I have read One Thousand Years of
Solitude more times than I care to admit. I also have a secret addiction to
Joel Osteen ... I'm not religious, but I really like his outlook on life. I
don't go to the movies that often, but I have been known to watch the odd Woody
Allen flick on DVD ... the last place you'd ever catch me is in the audience at
some summer action blockbuster. I'll listen to literally anything but country!
I even find myself listening to a little reggae from time to time, and I have a
soft spot for 90's Alternative. As far as food goes - if you cook it for me,
I'll eat it! The meat I ate during my summer abroad touring Latin America was
totally unbelievable ... if you can cook a steak that even close to measures up
to that, I am yours!

The
six things I could never do without: My family, good friends, good scotch,
goals, my dog Ernie (I miss him!), my Beats headphones :)

I
spend a lot of time thinking about: How much I can do to make the world a
better place. Sometimes I ponder the stars and the speed of light. Sex ... hey,
I'm just being honest!

The
most private thing I’m willing to admit: Sometimes I don't wear underwear.

I’m
looking for: Short-term dating, long-term dating.

………

He
sounded like he was a good guy, but he also sounded a bit like a
vanilla-blank-slate-white-pudding-
ghostie
-ghost sort
of guy. Maybe that's how everyone is in their OkCupid profiles. I mean, I wrote
that I liked
Ani
DiFranco
.
He had no facial hair which I liked. He was WAY better looking than the guys
that were attracted to me. What the hell, it was worth a shot.

………

Me:
Hey
BigStick,
would love to go on a date with you when
you are in town… Just not at your place. How about you take me out or
something?

………

I
knew not to go to a stranger’s house alone. I’ve seen the movie. Hopefully he
would agree to something else. Now, all I had to do is
wait
for him to reply.