Lost and Found (57 page)

"Oh the hell I will Derek! That's not in the cards for me and men better run from now on when they see me because if they don't, I'll make damn sure that they do! I'm through with men!"

"Well you're not gonna go all lesbian on us now are ya? I mean... Fine if you do but I think that would kill Mom and Dad. You know how they are. They don’t miss a day of church!" I'll never know how he graduated from college, with a degree under his belt, by some of the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth. I pulled my hand away from him before I dug my nails in and hurt him.

"No I'm not going to turn into a lesbian you idiot! Let’s change the subject... How are Olivia and Jordan doing? Is Jordan walking yet?"

"Walking? Heck no... That kid’s running around everywhere and getting into everything! He got into my shaving kit last weekend and emptied all of my shaving cream out onto the dog! I know Olivia's tired all of the time because of her pregnancy but she has got to watch that boy better. There's no telling what he's going to end up getting into if she don't start watching him better." I shook my head at him, not believing half of the things that come out of his mouth.

"Did you ever think of putting the shaving kit where he couldn't reach it? You need to help her out with him when you're home Derek. She's with him all week long and just because she's a stay at home mom doesn't mean she doesn't need a break or a NAP from time to time. And to think... You guys are having another one. I feel sorry for her."

"What? You feel sorry for her? I had to buy a new shaving kit! She's the one that stays home with him so she should have put it somewhere where he couldn't get it. How was I to know that he'd get into it? Why do you always defend her all of the time? Don't get me wrong... I love her more than anything and she's great but that's her job and not mine."

"Derek... I swear... The older you get the more you sound like Dad. I don't know what I'm going to do with you."

That's the main reason I wouldn't tell Olivia about the baby.  As much as I love her and know that she loves me too, there's no way that I could tell her about the baby and her not end up talking me into keeping him. I knew that she would raise him as her own in a heartbeat because she’s that beautiful of a person. I didn't want her to have to raise another child by herself because even though she's married to my brother, he's never home, and when he is he hardly has much to do with Jordan and now they have another one on the way. Jane and Thomas Brown are going to be the best thing that I could ever give my child. Derek might not realize how much I love him but there's no one else in the world that I love more than this precious baby that has spent his first nine months, growing inside of my body.

The heart ache that I can already feel from missing him will be worse than the heart ache his father caused me and I pray I can make it through it. If I can make it through the next few hours of having him and giving him up then I will be able to make it through anything.

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"Claudia, will you look at me please? I know you want me to leave you alone but I can't do it. Will you let them give you something to at least help you sleep?"

Vanessa stayed by my side throughout the whole delivery and stayed in the room with me when I handed my precious healthy 8 pound baby boy over to his parents. The family of three left a few minutes ago and I'm trying so hard, not to lose it, by watching the clock. He was born at 8:25 A.M. and was out of my arms by 9:15 a.m. I never realized that the whole experience would go by as fast as it did once my labor progressed. I think that I'm in shock more than anything and can't seem to do anything except watch the second hand move around the dial of the clock.

I was told that they named him Grayson Ryan and I couldn’t have picked a better name for him. He even looked like a Grayson to me as I held him those short five minutes after his birth. I kept looking into his beautiful eyes that were dark blue with brownish copper flecks in them and I knew they would turn a deep mahogany brown like mine. I ran my fingers through his full head of hair, and counted each of his fingers and toes, to make sure he had all of them like every mother does. The devastation is that I was only his mother for fifty minutes until all of the paperwork was signed. The short fifty minutes seemed like nothing compared to the nine months I spent talking to him and loving him every time I would feel him move around in my body. Nine long months of utter heartache and the betrayal, that I tried to get over, what was done to me by his father. I refused to take my heartache out against my precious baby boy and throw him away, without a care, the way his father expected me to do.

Jason Anderson was my English professor that swore to love me and no other woman except he lied to me after a year of thinking that I was his one and only. I thought that he was the greatest man in the world and I ended up falling in love with him. He was the most loving, caring and smartest man that I knew and I actually thought that we would get married one day. The only thing was that HE was already married and already had two kids!

As soon as I told him I was pregnant he pulled $500 out of his wallet and threw it at me and told me to get rid of it.  That was when he told me that he was already married and had two kids that he didn't want. He reminded me that I knew the rules when we started sleeping together and told me good luck! Good luck!! I tried to call him a few days later but he had conveniently moved away and found another job somewhere else and changed his phone number.

Here I am, alone in a bed, with pain everywhere from childbirth, with no baby, and the biggest ache in my heart that will never heal. This was not how my life was supposed to have gone and all that I want to do is crawl under a rock and die.

I turn my head towards Vanessa to see if she's still there and she is and has such a sad look on her face while tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry... I heard you but I was just thinking about how I've messed up my life. I really am tired but I don't want to think about any of this anymore. Will you see if they'll give me something for the pain? Hopefully it will help me sleep."

"Sure... I'll go ask but Claud… You haven't messed up your life. I met the parents and as much as it hurts right now, I truly feel that what you just did was one of the most selfless things I've ever seen in my life. They love him deeply already and you gave them the best gift that anyone could ever have given them. I finally understand why you had to do what you did. Please get some rest okay? I love you and I'll see you in the morning when I come to pick you up to take you home."

"Thank you... I love you too and thank you for... Well... for being my friend." She leaned down and gave me a hug that I so desperately needed but I ended it as quickly as it began because I was so close to losing it. "Have you seen my brother? Is he still here?"

"Yes. He's out in the hallway. I'll send him in. He was waiting for you to rest a little before he came in."

"Okay... Thank you again Vanessa. You've been my life saver throughout this whole mess and I owe ya one. Or a million." I was trying to lighten the mood because I was seriously holding on by a small thread.

"Claud, I never had any siblings and you're the closest thing that I have to a sister and I wouldn't have been anywhere else but right here by your side." I nodded at her and mouthed 'thank you' because I knew if I tried to talk I would break down and she didn't try to push me.

I watched her leave and silently thanked God for sending me such an amazing friend that she has been to me ever since we met. One of these days I'm going to have to introduce her to Olivia because I think they'll both really hit it off because they both have the same sweet nature about them and they are both like sisters to me.

Derek came into my room and he seemed hesitant at first which was when I finally broke down. He rushed over to me and crawled into the bed with me and just held me while I mourned the loss of my son. Not in death but in the heartbreak of knowing that I couldn’t provide a family for him in the way that he deserved. No one will ever be able to fill the aching black hole that has been left in my heart and I made a vow, right then and there, to never make a mistake as disastrous as this again.