Lost Causes (18 page)

Eila stilled. I doubted I wanted to know her thoughts.

Tricia stood before the first, fidgeting. “Eila? Should I prepare for the desert and water to join you?”

Eila blinked to life. “That will not be necessary. I continue to need them.”

They both looked relieved. The desert might seek death, but I thought she’d rather starve herself than live in Eila forever.

“The duals will not be able to replace them.”

Luke understood before I did. He rushed toward Eila. It was a suicidal attack. He knew that. He no longer cared.

Eila had no intention of feeding off our magic. She planned to take it.

She flung Luke backwards with the force of the water in the air. Her hair coiled black.

“You desired a cure. This is it. You cannot go mad from dual magic if you do not possess both magics.”

Eila positioned herself in the middle of the triangle formed by the various elementals and relaxed her human form. Her features and the lines of her body blurred against the sun.

There were no dramatic gestures. She didn’t fling her arms outward or throw her head back. She stood in one spot with her eyes closed while her captives writhed in pain.

I moved toward her before I realized what I was doing. I didn’t know how effective tackling a half-corporeal first creature would be, but it was better than doing nothing while she drained the prisoners.

Only Luke’s tight grip on my upper arm kept me from doing so. “They’ll live,” he said. “If you do what I think you’re planning to do, you might not.”

He was right. We knew she didn’t steal their power permanently. Even so, these weren’t the quick sips she claimed from the others. Up here, she swallowed in long, demanding gulps.

With her form half translucent, I could witness the process. Eila drew their magic into what remained of her body, letting it cycle through each particle of her being. She claimed their energy for herself before returning the source to its hosts, where it would be recharged through limited exposure to the elements.

“That’s not living,” I told him. Luke didn’t argue.

All at once, it stopped. The magic vanished. The prisoners’ heads dropped forward, their chins hitting their chests, and all was quiet.

Eila was now as corporeal as the rest of us, though she appeared more vibrant than I ever would. Her eyes flashed with the colors of every element and her hair was a prism of different shades that changed with each brush of the wind. She was solid, but there was nothing stable about her.

“Removing magic is not easy. I must be strong.” I didn’t know if she spoke to us or to herself.

“About that whole removing magic thing. That seems like overkill. I was thinking you could fuse them together, like Luke’s was when he arrived. He was all sane and healthy then, remember? It looked like a nice, quick process. Just a bit of glue on the two threads and send us on our way. That works for me. Let’s get started.”

I smiled cheerily.

Eila took a moment to understand me. I supposed I should be proud that I’d confused a being as old as time with my reasoning.

“No.” Then again, she sounded really certain. “I will begin with the boy. I have already tasted him.”

Luke’s eyes were wild, filled with the same terror the other first had inspired. This was his worst nightmare, and I’d brought it to him.

I stepped forward. “Start with me.”

Eila gave no indication she heard me.

Luke managed a shaky smile. “I don’t think we get to be picky about how it’s done. If we live, that’ll be good enough.”

I didn’t know if he was right, but I wasn’t given a chance to argue. Luke screamed, the sound impossibly loud. The others raised heavy eyelids, and those still capable of pity winced. No animals moved, and even the wind quieted enough to witness Luke’s agony. It went on and on, the scream growing rawer but no less urgent.

Eila’s expression transformed, moving from cool certainty to determination to anger. She released him with a grimace of disgust. Luke stumbled, falling across some tree roots. He turned his head and threw up in the bushes.

I hurried to him. “Are you okay? How much did she take?”

He tried to answer, but his mouth opened and closed on silence.

“I took nothing. He fought me.” Eila sounded displeased.

“Good.” I bit off the single word.

Eila wrapped slim fingers around my wrist and yanked me up. I gasped at her strength. She threw me against the trunk of a nearby tree, then pinned me in place with her right hand on the center of my chest.

I was given no warning. One moment I felt only her touch. The next I felt agony.

Eila examined every cell. She began in my core, where my power lived, and traced a path through my arms and legs, my hips and shoulders and neck—everywhere the magic had been called. My physical body belonged to the magic, and so she claimed my body as her own. She ripped me apart without spilling a single drop of blood.

I screamed, wordless, desperate pleas, and still the torment continued for what felt like hours. Knives cut into my lungs and heart, slicing through blood vessels and across skin, until all I knew, all I could remember, was pain. It was who I was. It was all there had ever been.

And then it stopped, and its absence was so shocking I forgot how to function. My mind wasn’t just empty; it was blank, a white wall of nothing. In that moment, I wasn’t certain I existed.

My lungs didn’t pull breath and my heart didn’t beat. I lay beside Luke with no memory of falling.

I came back to myself slowly. When I remembered where I was, I reached for my power. Both threads were still there.

“You…” I struggled to stand. I didn’t make it to my knees before crumbling onto my side. I tried again and managed to sit up. “Nothing is different.”

“No.” She turned away, apparently done.

“You said you would cure me. You promised.” I sounded like a child protesting that the world wasn’t fair, but it was all I had left.

“There is no point.”

Tears came to my eyes, the frustration and pain too much. I didn’t bother to blink them away. “I don’t understand.”

“You also fought me. You must give me your magic by choice, and you are unwilling to do that.”

I grabbed onto a tree trunk and pulled myself up, using the sturdy wood for support. “I wasn’t trying to fight. I need to be cured. Why can’t you just fuse it? We know that works.”

Eila’s hair darkened. “That is impossible.”

“I don’t understand.” I hated this creature, but I would beg. I would do anything.

“You are a killer.” Her voice was as harsh as it was certain.

I felt her claim like a punch to the gut, but she wasn’t wrong. My nightmares told me so every night. It was my stubborn friends who kept pretending it wasn’t true, and I did my best to believe them.

For those friends, I’d try. I stepped away from the tree and stood on my own. Eila watched me without a flicker of interest.

“I killed when I lost control. You agreed to give me that control.”

“Control is the last thing you need.” Her eyes turned black in anger. She might pretend otherwise, but she wasn’t disinterested in this conversation.

“I never wanted it. None of this.” I tried appealing to the human emotions of a creature with no humanity.

“You lie to me as easily as you lie to yourself. Death follows you. Your attempts to stop it were weak. Ten years in exile before you returned, and then you pursued one victim after another.” She knew, of course. She’d torn me apart. I doubted there was a single dark secret she hadn’t uncovered.

“I didn’t know I was at fault.” It was the same explanation I gave myself whenever I tried to forgive what I’d done. It felt as false now as it ever did.

For months, I’d tried believing it was because I was a dual, unable to control myself when the fire and water worked together, but never in my life had I felt more certainty and control than when I chose to kill.

I’d spent weeks, months, years trying to forgive myself, and only now did I understand why it was impossible.

I hadn’t earned forgiveness. I never would.

I didn’t protest when Tricia led me to a flat spot near the others, or when she piled rocks on top of me. My breathing grew shallow under their weight, but I said nothing in my own defense.

I didn’t fight when Eila stood before me and drew from both my magics until I was so weak my knees buckled and I sagged against my bonds.

Hope had been an illusion, and illusions fade. It was with something like relief that I closed my eyes and accepted the last punishment I’d ever receive.

Before I blacked out, Eila’s voice resonated inside my head. “You still hope to live. I will change that. Only then will you be cured.”

CHAPTER 19

D
ays passed. The sky grew dark and lightened. The wind rose one afternoon with a small storm that drenched the mountain and made the trees dance attendance before it vanished into a cloudless sky. Tricia returned, and Luke spoke to her. I didn’t remember what was said. I kept my eyes closed and waited.

Eila appeared each day, sometimes more than once, though she didn’t stay long. She repeated the names of the dead and called me a killer, then she destroyed me.

I grew to welcome those visits, when she would break me into a thousand jagged pieces. After running so long, I was ready to pay. And yet, when she grabbed my fire side, my instincts kicked in and I fought. My screams echoed in my ears, the mocking sound of my unplanned resistance.

When I lay weak and depleted, my magic recharging as best it could, she spoke.

“You oppose me when you should confess.” I didn’t know if she spoke aloud or inside my head. “You add to your burdens instead of releasing them.”

Through the haze of pain coating my thoughts, I struggled to understand. I’d admitted the worst part of myself. I’d accepted the consequences. Confession brought peace, and that wasn’t what I wanted.

“You do not deserve this magic. You must relinquish it if you wish to purge yourself of the crimes it has committed.”

She made perfect sense, but somehow I kept fighting. A soft hiss slipped onto the ends of her words.

Then one day, she didn’t come.

The sun dipped into the west before I realized we’d been left alone. I cracked my eyes open, blinking against the light. My neck protested when I moved my head, the muscles and tendons locked in place after days trapped beneath the stones.

“Luke?” My voice was a dry rasp. He’d been placed next to me and covered with his own set of stones.

His head lolled to the side. “It’s ’bout time you came back to us, sunshine.” Somehow, he managed a grin.

I tried to return it. It would have worked better if the guilt wasn’t jumping up and down, demanding my attention. It wanted to remind me that Luke’s life was ruined because he’d chosen to help me. I didn’t want to make everything about me, but I was noticing a certain trend in my life. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” He shrugged as best he could within his bindings. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been held by a crazy first. We’ll get out of here.”

I didn’t argue, but I didn’t agree, either. “I’m not sure I like Eila’s version of the cure.”

Luke’s laugh was low and rueful. “I’m not too fond of it either. I’ve got the feeling losing half our magic will come with some serious side effects, too. Would it be so difficult to sew us together like the other one did?”

“I guess she doesn’t want us to be that strong. Especially since she believes I’m a killer.” I tried sounding matter-of-fact.

Luke wasn’t fooled. “You really buying what that creature’s selling?”

“It’s not her. I’ve known this for quite a while.”

“What you’re thinking, it ain’t true. No, you don’t manage your dual nature particularly well, but a killer wouldn’t cross state lines in an effort to learn control.”

I wished I could believe him, but what he was saying didn’t ring true. “Most of that wasn’t me. Sera and Mac led the charge. The others, too. If I’d been the one making decisions, I’d have been executed after I murdered David. Sometimes I think that would have been the best choice.”

Luke exhaled, reining in his frustration. “For reference, how long do you plan to punish yourself? Cause I was hoping to make other plans.”

“There’s no set time. I don’t get a probation hearing in twelve months.”

“So you’re done? This is it? A cairn for the rest of your life? You leave your friends down there, waiting for you indefinitely?”

Luke was determined to puncture my self-hatred with reason.

“Not indefinitely. Just until she pulls my fire side. Once they see I’m fixed, we’ll find a way to leave.”

“Of course. An ancient being who has no history of releasing people will build you a raft once you hand over half your magic and more than half your power.”

“You’ve got a better idea?”

The cool desert cowboy disappeared, leaving nothing but fire in his wake. “We fight, Aidan. That’s all we ever do. You’re fighting right now without even trying. She’s not trying to cleanse your soul with that whole confession deal. She’s breaking you down. She needs you weak so you’ll stop resisting her. You think you’re the only one? She’s got my memories like she’s got yours, and she shows me a goddamn movie of Nora and the fire. She can only claim your magic if you’re willing, and you’ll only be willing if you’ve got nothing left to fight for. If she tries taking it before you’re ready, she’ll destroy you completely.”

If she did that, the deal with Mac was off.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Mac required proof I was healed before holding up his end of the bargain. If she was growing impatient with me, there was a chance Mac was making her wait.

A tiny spark flared in my core. I tried to snuff it. I was being repentant, damn it. Penitents didn’t get to recover from their guilt and horror in a couple days.

But twenty-four hours away from Eila’s voracious appetite was time enough to be free of her influence, as well. The self-loathing she’d so carefully nurtured developed some cracks.

Over the last few days, a new truth had begun to take root, growing stronger as I fought for my magic. Penitence isn’t what you do to prove how much you despise yourself. It’s about finding a way to live with yourself again.

Sitting under a bunch of rocks while my friends worried below, while Sera was at risk of joining us, while Mac was being tempted daily by Eila’s touch—well, that wasn’t something I could live with.

Maybe I would stop fighting, but I’d do it on my own terms.

Another day passed, and no one came for us. When night fell, the rustlings of the trees and small animals was punctuated by the weak moans of the captives, denied access to their elements for too many hours.

A row of bushes ten feet from my head went up in flames. While my eyes adjusted to the sudden light, my magic fed eagerly.

A short woman with wild hair stepped through the fire.

“Sera?”

No, not Sera. The woman’s movements were jerkier, and when her face appeared in the circle of light, it was lined in a way Sera’s wouldn’t be for another thousand years. “Ani.”

Ani studied me. “How much do you love her?” She wasn’t talking about Eila.

“She’s my sister. My family.” I said that like it was explanation enough, because it was.

Ani winced. I was glad to see the barb hit home.

“You can’t give in to her.”

She moved from one thought to another with little explanation. “You mean Eila? I’m not sure I have a choice. She won’t let me go until I relinquish my fire side. Won’t let any of us go.”

“She told Tricia to bring Sera tomorrow. She said she wished for a new fire.”

Oh hell.

“But if you feed her your power regularly, as much as you can, she won’t need Sera.” The woman glowered at me, daring me to argue.

“To be clear, the mother who abandoned her daughter to follow a semi-mythological creature is now demanding I live on this mountain for a few centuries to save Sera?” I’d do it if necessary, but I wanted that said aloud.

“Yes.”

Ani met my eyes. I’d give her this—the woman didn’t deny her past.

It didn’t make me like her any more. “Why don’t you save her? You can volunteer to be Eila’s caged pet.”

I was being cruel, but Ani didn’t even flinch. “I’ve been trying to get Sera away from this horrible place since you arrived. I tried to stop you at the beach. When that failed, I said words I can never take back, hoping Sera would give up on me and leave.” It was hard to tell in the firelight, but I thought her eyes darkened. “And then she made me repeat them.”

If my hands were free, I’d have used them to smack Ani. “You didn’t. An hour with your daughter, and you spent it telling her you don’t love her?”

“So she’d leave!” It was a desperate plea for understanding, though I thought she spoke to herself more than to me. “But she won’t. Not without you.”

“She’s a little stubborn. If you’d stuck around, you would know that.”

Ani sat on the rocks that covered me. “I didn’t come to argue. I’d take Sera’s place with no hesitation, but Eila wouldn’t allow it. Sera is stronger than both me and the woman next to you. It’s her turn next.”

I softened a little, but I couldn’t honor her request. “There’s a whole sequence of events here. If I keep fighting, Sera, Vivian, and Mac will be stuck here forever, and Sera will still be in danger.”

Ani’s lips tightened. “That isn’t an issue. The earth left the island and the bear is dying. Sera is all that matters now.”

I jolted up, forgetting the pile of stones holding me in place. “What did you say?”

“He’s dying. He doesn’t accept any food or water. Eila has tried everything, and still he fades. She’s with him now.”

I clenched every muscle and forced myself upwards. One rock moved an inch.

“Free us.”

Ani hesitated.

“Trust me, whatever you believe Eila might do to you, I’m thinking of something worse.” I’d just spent days regretting my more murderous impulses, but at that moment I’d never been so glad for my dual nature. Whatever Ani saw in my eyes, it convinced her to start lifting rocks.

I hadn’t thought Mac and I were that far apart as the crow flies, especially considering how far my power could stretch. I’d been wrong.

When I made the mistake of flying a thousand miles from Tahoe, Mac had grown ill from the moment I stepped on the plane. Our friends believed he was dying and brought him to me. The moment I drew into range and he could access my power, he recovered.

I was Mac’s element, and he’d been denied it for too long.

Mac was not going to fucking die, not when the cure was so simple. The cure was me.

God, I’d been a selfish bitch. I’d been so determined to accept my punishment that I let myself forget everything else. Mac’s illness, Sera’s vulnerability, my family’s incarceration—I could help fix those, but only if I got off this damn mountain.

“Faster,” I ordered. Ani cursed at me, already moving as fast as she could. In that moment, she sounded a bit like Sera.

I needed more power. I grabbed all the water I could from the air, but it wasn’t enough. We were almost a thousand feet above sea level, but I sent all I had flying to the ocean’s surface—then I kept going. I punched through the water, and while half my magic feasted, the rest dug into the ocean’s crust, seeking the pulsing magma below. I pushed it further from my body than it had ever been before, and I was rewarded with the purest source of energy I’d ever felt.

This, I realized, was why fires lived near volcanoes.

I didn’t need Ani anymore. When I sat up, rocks as large as my head scattered like pebbles. “Work on him instead.”

Luke was trying to free himself, but his desert side limited the power he could access. Plus, he didn’t have that whole desperation thing working for him quite as hard.

“Luke, find me after you’re free. After everyone is free.”

“You got it. And Aidan?”

I was already running. I turned, my face twisting in frustration.

Luke didn’t cower under my glare. “If you’re going to save him at the cost of your own mind, you might as well leave him to die. He’d prefer it.”

I took a ragged breath. He was right. If I barreled into that camp ready to burn things, the situation would only get worse.

Mac would hate for me to risk myself, so I wouldn’t. Instead of arguing about which of us was allowed to die for the other, I’d make sure we both lived.

I raced downhill. I created small fires to light my path, and I never stumbled. I knew roughly where camp was, and my magic knew where its lost piece would be found. As I ran faster than I ever had, my mind cleared until I could see with a clarity I’d been denied—or denied myself—for too long.

I was guilty. That wasn’t going to change.

But I was more than guilty. I was a friend and a lover, and I tried to help people, even if I often made a mess of it.

That could all change, but only if I let it. I had to be more than what I’d done. I needed to be the things I did now, and what I would do in the future.

As I ran down the mountain, I let that clarity finally bring a measure of peace—and for the first time, I thought I might deserve that peace.

To my surprise, when I finally released the guilt and torment I’d clung to for months, I freed up a whole lot of brain space I could now devote to planning how I could defeat Eila.

I burst into camp in the middle of the night with something resembling a plan. All the camp residents were asleep—all but one.

“Aidan!” Sera ran toward me, meeting me halfway. “Is it done? Are you cured?”

“Not yet. Where is he?”

She didn’t ask how I knew, just pointed to a spot at the far end of camp. It was at least two hundred feet from the nearest tent.

I paused to check my control and took several deep breaths. Then I walked to the giant bed laid beneath the stars.

Like the others, it was made from leaves, but it was covered with piles of bedding and it looked soft and even. It was also large enough to hold an enormous bear shifter and an all-powerful first creature of magic.

She was wrapped around him more like a mother than a lover, and her expression was almost as desperate as mine.

Mac was covered in a thin film of sweat, and he’d definitely lost weight, but the color was already returning to his cheeks. He didn’t look weak anymore.

“Let me go.” He struggled against Eila’s rigid bonds. “Don’t touch me.”

Her eyes widened. “You heal,” she breathed.

“Aidan? Where’s Aidan?” He fought to sit up, pushing at the hated creature’s limbs.

I’d seen Mac angry before, seen him uproot trees and fling appliances into the ocean. Mac’s anger could be enormous.

At that moment, it was a condensed ball of rage, and it was more powerful than any of his rampages. Even Eila recoiled under its force. He continued to scream my name.

“I told you. She is resisting, but it will happen. There is no reason for us to wait.”