Lost Dreams (15 page)

Carter often mentioned how strong-willed she was and I knew he was right.

I was in a difficult situation, because I knew he would want me to care for her and make sure she was doing okay. He asked me to care for her during his last moments. I wanted to do it for him, but there were complications. I didn’t know how to deal with them. I knew what I wanted, I had always known, but the timing was terribly wrong.

I decided to go to the gym and train. Working up a sweat was exactly what I needed. Never in my life had I faced something like this. I was a fucked-up mess. I had dark circles under my eyes, and I was having a rough time sleeping because of the nightmares and an increased level of stress. This wasn't an ideal situation, not exactly what I had planned. One thing was certain, I missed Carter like crazy. I was talking to him in my mind, trying to understand everything which was going on. While I wished I could hear him yelling at me, telling me I was a fucking idiot, I didn’t hear anything. I had a huge void in my chest and it only made me angrier. Strangely, I had gotten closer to Avery and it was wrong, I knew it was. Things would be a lot simpler if I was able to control my emotions.

I ran on the treadmill for a very long time. My legs were aching and my heart urged me to stop, which I did shortly after hitting nineteen miles. I needed water, I had drunk all of my bottle midway through the run. My body begged me to stop but I ignored every signal. My vision was blurry and I thought I'd probably gotten sweat in my eyes. I lay on the bench press and started lifting weights. The muscles in my arms were stiff but I continued to push myself. The harder I worked, the less angry I felt. My only desire was to feel at peace for a minute. After I was done with my arms, I lay on a floor mat and started a set of sit ups, alternating with push-ups. I felt the moment of peace approaching when I had black dots appearing in my already blurred vision.

''Taylor! Wake up!'' Someone called to me. I couldn’t recognize the voice and I couldn’t open my eyes either.

''Nurse, is...'' I never heard the end of that sentence.

My body and mind were so exhausted. I couldn’t move even if I tried. Sleeping was the only thing I wanted to do.

~~~*~~~

''R
emy?'' I knew who it was, Avery's voice sounded so angelic. ''It's been twelve hours now, Patrick. Is this normal?''

''He's been under too much stress, Ave, give him some time. He's going through a nervous breakdown. His eyes have seen too much.''

''I know... I know...'' Avery said sadly. She knew what it was like from her past experiences.

I could feel soft light against my eyelids. I opened my eyes very slowly, and found the light was causing discomfort.

''Turn the light off.'' My voice was raspy and harsh.

''Remy, you're awake!'' It wasn't really a question. She sounded so happy.

''The light, please?'' I repeated.

''Yes, yes... I'm sorry.'' She turned it off and I tried to open my eyes wider in the suddenly darker room.

''What the hell happened?'' I closed my eyes and remembered the dream I'd had about the attacks. Cart had been shot, but he was still standing and looking at me. I was freaking out and he was calm, so very calm. He didn’t look angry, or in pain, he just watched me and nodded approvingly.  ''I'm doing everything wrong, Carter... what about Avery?'' He looked at me with such intensity and pressed his hand over his heart. ''Follow my heart?'' I asked him, and he nodded one last time. There was no way this was right; I was dreaming, I really was. The dream darkened and faded away, until it was pitch black all around me. That’s all I could remember. ''Where am I?''

''You're at the hospital. You passed out in the gym. William saw you faint and he called Patrick. Megan called me.'' She sighed. ''So, that's why I'm here.''

''Thank you... thank you for coming. Can I go home now?'' I asked hopelessly. I didn’t like this place, the odor of hand sanitizer, the cold air wafting through the vents, the nurses taking notes on my vitals. I hated this so much.

''You need to meet with the doctor first. They're going to prescribe you some medication.''

''I don't want this, Avery. I don't need...'' I struggled to sit up, but Avery interrupted before I could continue, pushing me firmly back on the bed.

''Soldier, you need to chill out or I'm leaving. Patrick too. The doctor will see you soon, just be patient.''

I was mad, but not at her. How could I be, when she was being so caring?

We waited for over an hour, then Patrick had to leave. It was just the two of us for about another forty-five minutes before the doctor strolled in. I could barely keep my eyes opened, I was numb and it felt like I didn’t even belong in my own body. It was the strangest feeling ever. They'd probably given me something to calm me down or something. Doctor Millen walked in, she was a well-known doctor around the base. She knew pretty much every different medical situation or crisis a soldier could go through, and her reputation at Fort Bragg was outstanding.

''Remy Taylor.'' She read my name from the file and continued reading further through the documents. ''You're already taking medication for a stress disorder, is that correct?''

''Yes, doctor.''

''I've been informed that you recently witnessed the death of one of your fellow soldiers.'' It sounded like a question, but I think she was simple repeating the facts. She wrote out a prescription and explained briefly what the changes to my medication would be. Basically, I was being given an extra dosage for a short period of time, in hopes it would settle some of my emotional issues. These medications played with my brain, I didn’t like taking them. I knew they were making me feel better, but they weren't good for my physical health. I knew it and could feel the difference. Before she left, Doctor Millen informed me the adjustment of medication might cause side effects, such as dizziness or fatigue. More proof these things were not good for the body.

Avery took the prescription and helped me up. While I sat on the bed, she got my clothes and gave me privacy for a couple of minutes. When she returned, I was dressed and ready to go home. We walked slowly through the long halls and by the time we made it to her car, I was out of breath. I wasn't sure where she was driving me to, her place or mine. I doubted she was going to like the idea of me being alone at my place. I hoped she was going to drive us to her place, she had an extra bedroom and I was certain this would be her plan. I waited patiently to find out and let her drive, it wasn't very far.

''I think it would be safer if you stay with me for a while, what do you think?''

I tried my hardest not to smile, discovering I was right. I know her too well, she cared about me and she always did. ''Yeah, I think I like that idea.'' I answered. ''But I don't want you to worry about me, I'll be fine now. I just trained too hard, I was being a jackass.''

''Its fine, Remy. But I want you to tell me something. While you were sleeping, you kept saying Carter's name. You repeated it, at least ten times.''

Shit. I didn’t know what to tell her but I also didn’t want to lie. Lying to her wasn't an option. I had never lied to her in the past, I didn’t want to start today. ''He was in my dream. He was quiet, but he kind of told me it was okay if I wanted to take care of you. I think he wants you to be happy again.'' She parked the car in her driveway and remained silent. She was looking out the window, avoiding looking at me. ''He didn’t look in pain or sad, he was alright, he looked fine.'' I was still unsure about the dream or the meaning behind it. ''I don't know what to make of it, Ave, it was a dream but it seemed so real.''

''You guys were the closest friends ever. You couldn’t live a day without seeing each other, so I’m sure he was trying to reach you and this was his way of doing it. Carter was never a guy who would talk much, if he was quiet and yet, you still understood what he wanted to say, I think it was real.''

Her words hit me in the gut, she was right when she described Cart. He rarely spoke to me about his personal life with Avery. He couldn’t stop telling me how much he loved her and how beautiful he thought she was, but he kept details of his love life to himself, like most men do. His moods were normally the only way to know if something was wrong. ''Maybe he was really there. I still don't know what to think.''

She got out of the car, walking to the front door and waiting for me. The pain in my legs as I got out of the car was excruciating. I just wanted to go back to bed and wake up when the lactic acid had dissipated from my system. I walked slowly and tried not to wince too much.

''Hmmm... Look... I... just go straight to the guest room, don't look around,'' she requested, sounding embarrassed. I nodded but now she'd told me not to look around, I was curious. What did she mean?

I entered the house; and discovered it was not only dirty, it smelled too. Avery was normally a really tidy person. ''What happened?'' She hid her face in her hands and I thought she was ashamed, but her shoulders started to shake and I realized she was crying. ''Girl, no, no, no... Please don't cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.'' I pulled her to me and held her close against my body. ''Talk to me Ave, talk to me.'' I begged her. I wanted to understand.

''I can't do this, Remy, I can't live here and pretend everything's okay. I miss him so much!'' She wiped her tears on my shoulder and her arms tightened around my waist. ''I haven't done anything since you left. I don't have the energy to get out of bed, I don't eat or shower. The house is a mess, I am too. I... can't... I'm so sorry.''

What was she sorry for? We were both broken, I knew that. We needed to help each other and get our lives back on track. We owed it to each other. ''You go take a shower, or better still, why don't you take a warm bath, okay?'' I walked her to the bathroom and got the water running. I put some of her pink bath foam in it which made the bathroom smell wonderful. Freshen up, I'll take care of the rest.''

''You can't, you're on bed rest for the next twenty-four hours.'' Avery was right, but she needed help. She was more important to me than my own health.

''Just get in the bath and relax. Don't worry about me, okay?'' She nodded and I closed the bathroom door behind me. I went straight into the kitchen and discovered all the plates and leftover food from Christmas dinner were still on the counters. My body was so tired, I couldn’t even think about doing all the cleaning up, but I knew I had to. I started by rinsing the plates and filling the dishwasher. The food was dried out and stuck on the dishes. The wine bottles were all emptied and I swore we hadn’t drunk all that much on Christmas day. It made me wonder if Avery had been drinking when she was alone. I threw out the garbage and the remainder of the food. The kitchen wasn't perfect yet but it was much better. I took a quick look around the house, there were towels with stains all over them and when I picked one up, I realized she'd been sick. I poured bleach and soap into the washing machine and filled it with every towel I found. The smell in the house was heavy and stunk. I opened the window in the living room and the kitchen, to let in some fresh air. I sat on the couch, tired and dizzy. Avery was still in the bathroom, she must have fallen asleep in the bath. I waited another ten minutes and there was still no noise coming from the bathroom. I didn’t like the idea of her sleeping in the bath, so I decided to check on her. I knocked on the door softly, trying not to startle her, ''Avery?'' When I heard nothing, I opened the door, concerned she hadn't heard me. ''Avery?'' I asked again.

I heard the water sloshing. ''Remy. Yes. God, I must have fallen asleep.'' I closed the door and went back to wait on the couch. She was out a couple of minutes later, wearing nothing but a white fluffy towel. ''Thank you for cleaning up, I couldn’t... I...'' She was struggling to find words, it appeared.

''Don't worry about it, girl, it was a piece of cake.'' A huge fucking piece of cake, her place looked like a tornado had been dancing through each room. The cleaning was far from complete, knowing her like I did, I knew it wasn't anywhere near her standards, but at least I had found a way to get rid of the terrible smell of vomit mixed with rotten coleslaw. Her shoulders were rounded in defeat and her head was hanging in shame; she left the room and I heard the door to her room closing. Damn it, I should have said something to comfort her. I walked towards her room, and was about to knock when I heard a hair drier. Instead of knocking, I walked back to the living room, not wanting to interrupt her.

Evening had come and it was getting late, so after a quick shower, I took my new prescription and headed to bed. I left the door of the bedroom half open, in case Avery needed me for something. I didn’t want her to feel bad about waking me up if she did. When my back hit the mattress, I realized how tired I was, I could feel it in every inch of my body. In order to feel better after the fainting spell, I prayed I would be able to sleep for at least nine hours straight. Something I hadn’t done in a long time.

~~~*~~~

M
y sleep was interrupted by the sound of an angel. I had been sleeping on my side, facing towards the window and the angelic sound emanated from behind me. I turned slowly onto my back and to my surprise, discovered Avery was sleeping next to me. My brain couldn't begin to process the why’s or the how’s of the situation. I didn't know what to do about it, all I knew was that I didn't want to wake her. Her face was at peace, she was utterly beautiful. I wanted to cup her cheek against my hand but I knew I shouldn’t. The only things which would explain her actions was that she needed me. I think she needed to be closer to me, needed to make sure I was okay and I filled a void in her life. I didn’t want to take Carter's place but I could surely make her happy. Never in my life, would I have expected her to join me in here tonight. I didn’t hear her arriving, or sense her while I slept, until now.

To me, that night changed everything. She might not be able to admit it with words, but her actions were delivering the messages clearly.

She needed me.