Lost Dreams (18 page)

''I love you, baby,'' I repeated.

I hated that I couldn’t hear him say it back. I watched a butterfly dancing around and it stopped for a short instant on the bouquet. It danced away further into the cemetery. Some people would call me insane, but this was the type of thing I was certain Carter was sending my way. It was his way of saying 'I love you' back.

I saw a woman and her son, walking not too far away from me and I suspected they were probably visiting her husband. How would I have handled Carter's death if I'd had a child? It would have been a whole lot worse. My situation wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t the worst thing people have happen to them.

After another hour spent by his gravestone, I got up and walked to the car. I felt good, much better than I had when I arrived. For some reason, I felt stronger and energized. I didn’t feel like going home so soon, I knew the girls wouldn’t be there and the house was too quiet without them. I went to a small coffee shop and ordered java coffee with a cinnamon bun. There was a free table with a fashion magazine laying on it, so I sat there and tried to enjoy my small snack by myself. I glanced through the magazine as I ate. What a treat! The cinnamon bun was full of calories, but so yummy. I heard a voice I recognized when the door swung open. I saw Liam and didn’t know if I should say hi or not. I took the last bite of the bun and sipped the warm coffee. I decided the best thing to do was to wait and see if he recognized me, because I didn’t know him well enough to know what to say to him. He was accompanied by a woman, too, another reason not to attract his attention. I didn't want this to become awkward.

An article captured my attention in the magazine and I read judiciously. Something about the benefits of running and leading a healthy life. Interesting. I took several more sips of the coffee, draining the cup.

''Avery?'' I heard Liam say. I tried to act naturally, like I hadn’t already seen him.

''Oh! Hi, Liam.'' I was never a good actress.

We had a quick talk, he offered me a refill but I declined saying I was heading home. I didn’t want to interrupt their date or whatever it was. I said my goodbye and headed home. Alone.

As usual, the house was quiet when I got home, music was a necessity to soothe my loneliness. Some old rock song was playing on the radio, and I turned the volume up and sat on the couch with my laptop. I'd taken numerous photos over the week and I needed to upload them. These photos were of nature, flowers and landscapes. Some of them were a bit blurry. I still had a hard time adjusting the manual settings on the camera. I deleted a whole bunch of them and printed some of the best ones.

My phone started ringing. I grabbed the phone and hurried to turn down the volume on the radio.

''Hello?''

''Hey girl!" I recognized Remy's voice right away.

''Hey soldier! How are you doing?'' I asked.

''Same old, same old. It's alright. What about you?'' I didn’t like his answer sounding so vague.

''I’m okay, I went to Carter's grave today. Are you sure you're okay?''

I heard him sigh heavily, and then he took a deep breath. ''I'm okay, I'm safe. I'm having a hard time sleeping at night, that's all.''

I knew something was up. ''Do you want to talk about it? If not on the phone, you can email me if you want.''

''You know what's going on Ave, my eyes have seen things my brain can’t forget and I go through it all again, every time I close my eyes.''

''I know, Remy, I've had those nightmares too.'' It really broke my heart. We could be as strong as we wanted when we were awake, but when we're asleep, we become our own worst enemies.

''Anyway, I don't want to waste my time on the phone talking about it. What have you been up to?''

''I started working in a daycare a few times a week. The owner is nice and the kids are adorable. So far, it's fun.''

''Is it on the base? Do I know the owner?''

I laughed. ''No, no, it's not on the base, and the owner is a guy called Liam. I'm having a good time, soldier, it feels really good.''

''I'm happy for you, but I don't know him,'' he said, the cold tone in his voice emphasizing the 'him'.

I didn’t want to say anything else about the job, Remy didn’t seem to be impressed about my new gig. ''I’m starting to understand the functions of my camera better.''

Just like that, Remy's tone of voice reverted to happy and we talked a little about my photography. He seemed pretty excited about it. I told him I would email a couple of the photos to him and I did it as we spoke. Our conversation was entertaining, as usual. It was so good to talk to him. We hung up after a little over twenty minutes.

After the phone call, my mood had improved. Even if he didn’t give me a lot of details about his time overseas, it made me happy to know he was okay, despite the nightmares. Most soldiers had them, it wasn’t anything new and we hear about service personnel suffering them all the time. The dreams become so vivid that they seemed real and the subconscious starts playing games too. Waking up from a nightmare like this is so confusing and nerve wracking, it could take hours to fall back to sleep. Sometimes it just wasn’t a possibility to sleep again. Mine were improving, a lot better lately, but Remy, he'd witnessed too many traumatic events. I was worried about him.

I turned up the volume of the music again and I danced. It was pathetic, but I enjoyed it. It freed my mind and I was alone and carefree. I wasn’t really a good dancer either, but who cared? It wasn’t like I was in the middle of a crowded club. On days like this, I knew life was good and it made me feel good to let loose, be happy and feel pretty doing simple things by myself. Yes, I was lonely at times, there was no doubt about that, but I learned a lot about myself in those moments of freedom.

One day at a time, it was my new mantra.

~~~*~~~

I
finally passed out on the couch and slept soundly. Three little knocks on the door did the trick to wake me up. Megan and Juliet had brought Chinese takeout and a Disney movie over for the evening. 'Despicable Me' was the name of the movie. I had seen the little yellow characters in a few stores, but I hadn’t even realized they were from a movie.

We ate like pigs, because Megan had brought enough food for at least four adults. It was delicious, so I wasn't complaining.

''Did Patrick call you today?''

''No, why? Did Remy call?''

I nodded, because I had a mouth full of egg roll. ''He did. Everything's okay, but he sounded pretty tired.''

''He better take his medicine. It will help him,'' she suggested.

''He takes them, I just think he's going through too much. He should have asked for a break or a release. Remy is fragile right now.''

She nodded and drank some water. ''Do you think he's going to ask for his release?''

''I have no idea. With Remy, you never know.'' One day he could talk about a lifetime career and the next day talk about requesting his release. I knew he was getting a bit tired of the Army and I hoped he would finally decide to settle down and have a life of his own. It seemed like he'd spent his whole life in the Army and it was the only thing which mattered to him. He needed to enjoy more than just his career. I'd been like that before, but I saw things differently since I'd been released. I was deep in thought when Juliet's laughter brought me back to reality.

''We'll see what he decides when he comes home. I hope he's done. The poor man needs a break,'' Megan added.

''Things are going to change in the coming months. It's scary.'' I paused. ''I need to find a new place and a full-time job. Remy wanted me to wait till he returned, so he can help. It's a lot for me to deal with.'' My emotions threatened to overwhelm me, I felt the tears coming but held them back.

''You're not alone, Ave, we're here to help you in any way we can.'' I knew she meant it and I thanked her.

We watched the movie and I laughed all the way through. I wasn’t raised watching the Disney movies. My Dad made me watch action movies, with machine guns and blood splattered all over the screen. When I think about it, it's kind of funny, but I could definitely say I wasn’t raised as a normal little girl. I wasn’t all pinks and purples, I was raised as a future G.I Joe. It felt like it anyway. My Mom and Dad did the best they could, which I’m thankful about.

After the movie ended, I heard an alert coming from my computer, the one announcing a new email. I opened the program and discovered an email from Remy.

To: Avery Lewis

From: Jeremy Taylor

Date: 02/28/2008

Subject: Hey

I must say your pictures are fucking awesome! You have a real talent, Avery. Why don't you work in a photo studio, instead of a daycare? You could use that talent and make a few bucks out of it. Anyway, I’m just saying.

So tell me more about this new job, how is it? You have me curious...

I finally started the process for gaining my release. I don’t think I'm in good enough shape anymore. It will probably take a while. Anyway, you know how it is. We'll both have to move out soon. I'm not sure where I'm going to move. Maybe South Carolina, I still have to wrap my head around it. Have you thought about it?

I have to go. Write me back when you have a minute.

Soldier. xx

I smiled at his letter, because it was apparent he definitely had something against the daycare. He wasn’t going to tell me about it, but I could read the signs. Mostly, I was happy because of his request for release. He needed to take some time to heal properly. Remy had always meant to have a lifetime career in the Army, but his mental health had put a stop to it.

I didn’t reply straight away, because we had only just talked on the phone earlier today. Waiting a few days would give me more things to say and he needed to work on his patience, too.

~~~*~~~

T
he children had extra energy today, they were difficult to control. All they wanted to do was run around or dance. I suggested to Liam that I do a small exercise session with them. It might work to wear off some of their excess energy. I put on some music and built a short routine of movements with them. They were sporting huge grins and enjoying the music. Their little cheeks turned red and they seemed to calm down by halfway through the routine.

Liam was leaning against the wall, watching me with astonishment. It made me proud. I kept them going for another fifteen minutes. When I asked them if they wanted to learn another routine, they all said tomorrow and I laughed. They were finally ready for their naps. Liam and I helped them with their mattresses and blankets. We turned the lights off and hid in the kitchenette. I prepared their afternoon snacks and sat down with Liam.

''I must admit, you impressed me with your little dance.''

I laughed, ''I was impressed too. I never thought they would like it that much. It was fun and it calmed them down.''

''We should do it more often.''

''Yes, definitely!'' The fact that he liked my idea was great. I loved kids, but I was fairly new to this daycare thing. My idea was good and I wanted to find new ones. At least, I would try.

''Hmmm...'' He hesitated. ''Would you be up for coffee tonight? They make good sandwiches and soups too.''

He took me by surprise. ''Um. Yeah okay, it sounds like a good idea!'' My face flushed, I was sure. I didn’t expect him to invite me out and it felt weird. It wasn’t a date, right? I hoped it was just a friend thing. My heart and mind had no intention of dating at the moment. I still had an open wound which needed to heal.

The first little one woke up and met us in the kitchenette. Sometimes, all they needed was a hug. Jessica needed to be in my arms, so I took her and held her throughout the nap time.

"Do you have kids of your own?" Liam questioned.

He was getting very personal. "No, I don't have any."

"Yet?" What kind of question was that?

"I'm a widow, I lost my husband two months ago." I responded quietly, playing with Jessica's hair.

His face turned white, he obviously never saw this response coming. "I’m sorry... I don't...  I didn't know..." He was rambling.

''It's okay. I don't really talk about it. I didn’t mention much information about my personal life in my application.'' I tried to make him feel better, I hope I had succeeded.

''How are you handling it?''

''The best way I can. Every day is different. Some are good, others bad. I try to take it a day at a time.''

''It's only been two months, you're strong, very strong. Do you mind me asking if it was accidental or an illness?'' With his question, I felt my stomach twist in knots. I'd never talked about it, except with Megan.

''He was in the Special Forces, he died on a mission.''

''Okay, so you were both in the Army?''

''Yes.'' I answered, hoping he wouldn't ask why I was no longer in the Army. The details were too heavy for a daycare and I feared I wasn't in a mood to deal with it.

''Well, that's pretty intimidating. I've always admired soldiers. Their strength, their devotion.''

''We're normal people.'' Being treated differently was my biggest nightmare.

He kept quiet, and I thought maybe my tone of voice was too sharp. My bad! The second child came to meet us in the kitchenette and soon after, it was time to wake up the whole class. Liam took care of the waking, by slowly turning on all the lights and adding soft music. The children slowly started waking up, stretching while I brought the snacks into the class. The first few toddlers to wake up, lined up to go to the restroom and afterwards, they sat at the table, still struggling to wake up. They were all used to their routine here and Liam was doing a great job with them. He was strict with them, teaching them to be polite but at the same time, he was the sweetest guy. I was learning a lot. Did I want to do it full time? I wasn't sure yet, because on the days I was working, I was exhausted by the evening.

The afternoon flew by and the time for dinner arrived. We got there in our own separate cars. Liam waited for me at the entrance to the small restaurant. He opened the door for me, like a gentleman and pulled my chair out once we were inside. I was impressed by his chivalry. Liam was old school, I liked that.