Lost Dreams (2 page)

They had grown up together and both enrolled in the army after finishing school. They were as close as brothers. "Carter and I are being deployed in two days, but I wanted you both to enjoy these two days as much as you can. I reserved a luxurious room for you in a five star hotel, with massages and all that crap. Royal treatment, I guess."

"Remy, man, thank you so much." From Carter's reaction, I knew he appreciated the gift more than anything. "It's just what we needed, a chance to relax, just the two of us."

They shared a man-hug which involved much back-slapping before Remy turned to me. "Congrats Ave, you make him so happy. He never shuts up about you." He locked his arms around me as I thanked him for his generosity. I pushed the thought of Carter leaving to the back of my mind, because I wanted to enjoy our wedding day and not dwell on sadness.

We took hundreds of pictures, most of them on the beach. Beaches were the one thing I enjoyed most about living in North Carolina. We were stationed at Fort Bragg and I was having a hard time adjusting to the heat, as I was originally from Portland, Washington. The boys were from South Carolina, so they were used to the heat.

Carter had insisted on wearing his ceremonial dark blue uniform and he looked stunning. We'd invited a lot of military guests, this was our lives, our people, our world and we loved it. There were days where I missed being in the Army but I was now retired. I had served for 11 years before being honorably discharged. Carter and Remy were being deployed with the Special Forces, hopefully one last time, for another six months. He would be back for Christmas and we would start our life together then. Of course, I'd told him he could decide if he wanted to continue or not on his return. I didn’t want to force him out, he loved his job, and the Special Forces role was the result of all his hard work. My desire for a family was growing each and every day and I couldn't stop dreaming about a mini Carter running in our yard or a little girl playing with her dolls. I was ready to be a mother.

"You, my gorgeous bride, are the love of my life." My new husband murmured in my ear as we took the last picture. I had the biggest smile on my face and my heart was bursting. I was happier than I'd ever been in my whole life.

The reception was great and dinner was about to be served. Our guests were drinking cocktails and talking. We were about to make our entrance as husband and wife. Carter held my hand tightly and kissed it as we stood on the other side of the entrance. We heard Remy call our names.

"Ready, baby?"

"Let's go!" The door opened and we strolled in the room. Every guest was standing, applauding and whistling and it meant so much to me.  I would never be able to forget how good I felt. We were married and my feelings for Carter were beyond anything I had ever felt before.

W
aking up in cherry red Egyptian sheets with my new husband, was everything I wanted in life. Our legs were entwined and his arms held me against him. I was awake but I didn't want to move, I wanted to embrace the moment and make it last as long as I could. He looked so relaxed, happy. He was suffering a severe case of bed-head, but it only served to make him more gorgeous.

I couldn't see his pale brown eyes but I knew that as soon as he woke up, they would shine with love and give me butterflies.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the moment and the simplicity of our life together. Our hours left together were numbered, I had to make the best of it. This, I knew, was something I would miss. His warmth and his presence in our bed. Soon, it would be cold and lonely. I prayed the day would never end.

Soft touches tickled my cheeks and words whispered in my ear brought me awake with a smile on my face. Carter knew how to get the day started perfectly. He nibbled on my earlobe and it made me giggle.

"Good morning, beautiful wife." I felt his breath against the skin of my neck.

"Morning, hot husband," I smiled.

"Every morning when I'm away, I want you to remember this moment, because when I return, we'll share every morning together. Exactly like today." His words made me happy, but they also meant so much more. All the pain and sadness I would feel without him. "Remember baby, remember. It's all I ask you. Time will fly and I’ll be back with you. You are my shining star whom I love very much."

"Thank you..."I cried. “I’ll miss you, but I’ll think about us being together every time I'm feeling sad. I love you so much." He kissed my tears.

"Now smile, baby girl, I want you happy. We have to enjoy our time. No more sadness."

"Okay, you're right." I forced a grin and he rolled his eyes at me, probably because I was being facetious...

"You are adorable, but such a bad liar. I'm going to make you laugh. I want to hear you laugh." He straddled me and started tickling. I was screaming for help and I couldn't breathe because I laughed and scream too hard. His hands found their way under my top and the tickling transformed into soft caresses and my laughter quieted as my breathing accelerated. Carter knew how to get to me and his touches were all I desired. His lips met mine and the intensity of our passion raised. We filled our precious time together with all the love and emotion we possessed.

~~~*~~~

W
hile I showered, Carter ordered breakfast. I adored our hotel room and I wished we could stay longer. The suite was large, elegant and luxurious. Remy had good taste. The towels smelled so good, vanilla scented, and so soft. I loved it. I scanned the bathroom, in which every surface was magnificent polished marble and screamed luxury. I could easily get used to this lifestyle, but it was only temporary.

It felt good to wash my hair, the hairdresser had probably used half a can of hair spray on it, and my hair hadn't moved an inch since yesterday. For the wedding, I'd had my hair curled into a classic high-do, decorated with tiny white flowers. Perfect for a wedding day, but I wouldn't be able to wear such a hairstyle on a daily basis. The small flowers matched the lace on my dress and I knew I'd never looked so beautiful in my life.

I dried my hair and it returned to its platinum straight form. I tied it in a high ponytail, my usual style. I applied lotion, got dressed and headed out of the steamy bathroom to discover my husband watching the cartoons like a little boy. He was sitting cross-legged on the carpet, three feet away from the TV. This man had faced more danger than most men in the United States and yet, sitting on the floor he looked like an innocent young boy. I had seen a lot of conflict too, but I felt like my body and eyes reflected the horrors I had seen at war. I'd seen the bodies of young innocent children rotting in the streets of Congo or Cote d'Ivoire after the horrific war which destroyed the cities. Most recently, I had seen the bodies of my teammates mutilated by a hidden bomb. Every time I looked in a mirror, I saw all those things happening again. It gave me the creeps every time, and I continued to suffer nightmares even now.

I shook the thoughts away and took a deep breath. Carter glanced up and scanning the look on my face, he knew what I'd been thinking about. He got up and we moved towards each other until his arms found me and made me feel safe.

"Come, let’s eat. Room service arrived." He led me to the small table and settled me gently into a chair.

I wasn't sure if I was hungry anymore, but I didn't want to ruin our day with my complicated thoughts. I silently ate everything on my plate, even though it tasted like cardboard. I didn't want Carter to think I was miserable or let him worry about me on our short honeymoon.

"We have a massage booking in twenty minutes. This is going to be great."

"Yeah, I need a good massage." I thought about it, knew I didn't want to sound melodramatic. "Walking in heels yesterday really hurt my back."

"I can only imagine, baby. I'm sorry you suffered on our wedding day." The sincerity in his words showed how much he cared for me.

"It was worth every second." I would do it again if I had to, because I wanted to look perfect for him. Carter was the most amazing man in the world, I always wanted to look my best for him.

~~~*~~~

W
e were both on massage beds, laying few feet apart. There was relaxing instrumental music playing in the background. The massage hadn't even started yet and already I felt less tense. I'd had massages in the past, knew what was coming and my body was appreciating the idea.

My eyes were closed when I heard the masseuses walk in. They murmured their names and announced that our massage was about to begin. I felt her warm hands pressing on my shoulder, noticing how tensed my muscles were. She massaged harder and the pain release was wonderful. She reached my sides, working over my ribs and it was a little sensitive because of my injuries. She must have felt me flinch because she didn't return to that area. Battle scars aren’t always visible.

Carter, Remy and I all had a matching quote tattooed, ‘Death before Dishonour’. Carter and I had it on our left shoulder blade. Mine had the words enclosed in a banner over a red heart with a hummingbird and Carter’s words were written next to a pin up girl who had my features, at least, my eyes and hair. It wasn’t obvious, but I knew it represented me. We had them done together. Remy's tattoo is similar to mine but instead of the heart, he has an eagle. ‘Death before Dishonour’ really relates to soldiers, because this is what we serve for. Our honour. Some people thought the tattoo was too crude, but tattoos weren’t meant to please everyone.

Someone entered the room and placed something that seemed heavy on the small table between the feet of our beds. It was so heavy that the table creaked under the weight. Traci, my masseuse, was applying pressure to the back of my thighs. I'd never had a full-body massage before and it was magical. Every muscle in my body was receiving royal treatment. I believed that until I felt the first hot stone on my back. Traci had assured me I'd enjoy it, but I didn't expect the warmth to feel so good. The experience was sending shivers all throughout my body. I wanted more of them and I got them. I thought I was in heaven when she placed the last stone on the small of my back. She applied a soft, constant pressure on the stone located at the base of my neck. My eyes were tired and I drifted off to sleep. I hadn't felt like this in years, with all signs of stress gone, my body was light and free.

When I awoke, the heat which had warmed me was gone and only the soft music continued. The massage was over and I wished the past two hours hadn’t flown by so rapidly. I took a few minutes before I attempted to turn over on the narrow bed. I couldn’t hear anyone else and realized Carter was gone. He'd probably decided to give me time to rest. Carter was always thinking about what was best for me. I remembered his vows from yesterday and he'd sworn that I was always going to come first. He had proven to me repeatedly, the honesty of his vows.

After stretching, I put on the black and pink polka dots bikini and robe sitting on the table. I knew we had access to a hot tub, and guessed Carter was there waiting for me. It was probably why he'd left my swimsuit here and not my regular clothes.

I walked out of the room, and was escorted by a staff member to the tub. My husband was waiting for me with two glasses of champagne and a plate full of fresh fruit and cheese. I made a mental note to call Remy and thank him for this gift. Our honeymoon here was better than anything I had envisaged.

"Did you sleep well, baby?" he asked teasingly.

"I did, my body has never felt better." He offered me his hand as I climbed into the tub. As soon as my feet touched the bottom, Carter pulled me toward him and wrapped me in his arms. "We have to come back here when you return. I love it.”

"We will. It will be our Christmas present." He laughed. "I never realized how stiff my back was, until the masseuse tore it apart. I feel like I’m a foot taller now."

"Exactly, this is crazy. It feels so good." I laughed too. "I guess we've been under a lot of pressure lately."

"Marrying the woman of my dreams was the easiest thing I’ve ever done."

"Yeah, it was for me too, but getting everything ready was a nightmare." I paused. "And...”

"Don't bring it up baby. Today is our day. Our day. Enjoy the time we have.” My throat tightened because I wanted to talk about it, but there was nothing more to add. He was leaving tomorrow, we both knew it. I had to accept it and wait for his return. Patiently.

He kissed my hair. "I will be back, baby. Sooner than you think."

"Hmmhmm." I couldn’t speak or I would cry and I didn't want to be a crying mess in the middle of this beautiful experience.

"Remember when I proposed to you? When was that?" he asked.

I took a breath. "A couple of months ago."

"No, baby, it was over a year ago. Fourteen months ago. You see how time goes by without us noticing? I'll be back before you know it." He squeezed my hand and kissed my lips. Carter was good when it came to making me feel better.

I hated that he was right, it made me feel like I was a drama queen. "Okay, babe, I trust you."

"I love you, wifey."

I couldn’t help myself, I laughed, unable to keep the tone of my laughter low. Wifey? Really? I didn't know why, exactly, but it cracked me up. We had been calling each other baby or babe for years. Wifey was new. I thought it was cute.

I
tried to be the strong one, but today hurt every bone, muscle and brain cell in my body. Without her by my side, life was painful. For years, she had been the sun in my days, the one I was looking for in the darkness. She was my light, my love and inspiration. My reason to stay alive. We were always together before I joined Special Forces. During our last deployment, we were lucky to be working together as a team and we both enjoyed it. I knew her better than I knew myself and while we worked jointly, I saw who she was and how strong and dedicated she had become. Her pride over serving in the Army was beyond most men. Her determination was astounding, she'd faced death, survived to my abject relief and still stayed the fighter she's always been. Her injuries and pain didn’t make her weak, she'd become stronger and fought against her fears.