Lost In Kakadu (22 page)

Abi gasped and cupped her mouth. “You don’t think she did it, do you? Did you tell anyone?”

“No, I never told anyone. But I always hoped Grace somehow found peace with what happened.”

Mackenzie remembered sitting at his window, all those years ago, staring across the concrete jungle and wondering if wishes really did come true. Looking at where he was right now though, he was convinced they didn’t.

* * *

Abi strolled back from her morning swim with her head held high. Months of physical labour and food rations had accomplished what years of dieting plans had failed to do. She felt strong, slender and athletic. Ironically, she was convinced she ate more here in the remote Australian jungle than she ever did at home. Back at home, she often ate just one meal a day under the mistaken belief she’d lose weight by skipping meals. Of course, that usually meant that by the time she did eat she was ravenous and would devour more than her recommended daily calories. Running her hand over her abdomen, she admired her firm stomach muscles as they flexed with each step. Feeling empowered, she skipped along the path toward the clearing.

Mackenzie was near the plane closely examining its battered exterior.

“Good morning,” she called to him.

He didn’t look up. “Hey.”

“What are you doing?”

“Building.”

She knew better than to ask. Mackenzie liked to keep his craftsmanship under wraps. He said it kept her in suspense but she suspected that he waited until the creation was successful, eliminating the need to show her any failed projects. She didn’t mind, though. His ingenuity continually amazed her. In the face of their limited resources, he’d become a very creative builder.

Longing for something to do, she looked about. They’d finished breakfast and cleaned the dishes earlier and she’d washed their clothes the day before. Stepping into the plane, she busied herself making the beds but then spied Charlie’s bundle of letters. She collected them and, as she strolled to the fire, she glanced at Charlie’s grave. The plants had grown back over it. Only the headstone gave any indication it was there. Mackenzie always made sure all the headstones were free from the creeping vines. Charlie’s stone looked particularly white in this morning’s sun and she nodded at it, letting Charlie know he wasn’t forgotten. She took a seat by the fire.

Abi believed Charlie would appreciate someone sharing his life experiences and it was evident in the writing that he’d shared them with no-one. She tried to pace herself by reading just one letter per day, but sometimes the suspense was agonising, like seeing only half of a good movie.

The first couple of letters she’d read randomly, but since then she’d read them in chronological order. The first letter had been gut-wrenching—well-written but full of hate. It had been addressed to his ex-wife, Sue. Charlie had expressed his hurt and dismay at finding out about his wife’s affair with his best friend, and Abi could relate to every word he wrote, having experienced the same situation herself several times over. She wondered how Spencer would’ve reacted had he known she was aware of his affairs.

She unravelled the satin ribbon and removed the next letter from the bundle, marking its place with a fifty dollar note. Just like all the other letters, this envelope had also been returned with the words, ‘No longer at this address’ written across the front. Charlie had averaged at least one letter per month and his letters were always charged with emotion. The diversity of those emotions was dramatic. His first couple were full of anger and hate, then he plummeted to remorse and even guilt. His writing switched to frustration and then to her amazement, he became forgiving and loving, before ultimately returning to hatred. His letters were a big cycle of emotional confusion. But Abi understood every one of them and wished she’d possessed the courage to have done the same to Spencer a long time ago.

Charlie’s letters ultimately told of a harrowing one-sided love story. This particular letter was dated 17
^th
June 1984 and the sadness of the words dripped off the page. Abi wiped her eyes and continued despite her blurred vision.

Mackenzie startled her. “Are you reading those sad letters again?”

“Mmm.” She didn’t trust her voice.

He knelt beside her, his eyes gentle and caring. “Why do you do that to yourself?”

A tear slipped out and he wiped it from her cheek.

“I do it for Charlie. No-one listened to that poor old man. He wrote these amazing letters full of passion and honesty and nobody ever read them.”

“If they’re so good then why are you crying?”

She looked into his dark eyes.
Be honest, Abi.
“Because I can relate to his words and I wish with all honesty that I’d done something like this years ago.”

Mackenzie cupped her face and then kissed her forehead. “Do you want to read it to me?”

“Yes, please.” She patted the chair beside her. “Take a seat.”

“Let me get a drink first … and a box of tissues.” He chuckled.

As she watched him walk away she wondered if he was genuinely interested in the letter or if he was doing this for her. It didn’t matter. She was just pleased to be finally sharing some of Charlie’s letters with him. They deserved to be heard. Mackenzie returned moments later with a water bottle and slipped into the seat beside her.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

She lifted the letter and began to read.

Dear Sue,

Every night I lay awake searching my soul for the right words. I’m hurt that you won’t take my calls or let me talk to you. Please listen to what I have to say.

I now realise it was my fault that you had the affair. I wish I had seen it sooner. I’m the one who pushed you into Peter’s arms. I was married to my work and it got in the way of my love for you. I’m sorry. I want to make it up to you, to show you the real me. I’m willing to forgive and forget. Please do the same for me.

I’m slowly dying with every breath I take without you and Holly in my life. I am a wilting plant, being poisoned with guilt, waiting to die a shrivelled, pathetic stick.

Please don’t return this letter, I beg you to re-think your decision to cut me out of your life. We have a daughter and she deserves a father, one who loves her beyond anything.

I will love you forever, no matter what.

Charlie.

“Do you think she read it?”

“I think she read every one of them. The envelope seals are always broken. But she still returned them.”

“Wow. That’s cold.”

“Yeah.” Abi silently read over the words again.

“So when you say you can relate to what he wrote, were you the one having the affair or was Spencer?”

She looked into his eyes. In this light they were more honey than brown. “Spencer had many affairs.” She felt her chin quiver and Mackenzie wrapped his arms around her and she wept on his shoulder. It felt like it had been an eternity since she’d held a man so closely and she liked how it felt.

“You don’t think they were your fault, do you?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“Don’t be silly, Abi. You can’t force someone to be unfaithful. It’s their choice.”

She pulled back from him aware that she was feeling emotions that were completely inappropriate. Mackenzie would never feel the same way about her. It was time to be truthful, no matter how much it hurt. “But I was awful. A bitch. I didn’t show him love. God, I don’t even know if I ever knew what love was. I hated the intimacy, I was repulsed by it.”

“You must’ve loved him at some time. You married him.”

“He was right for me.” She sighed.

Mackenzie cocked his head. “What does
that
mean?”

“This is going to sound shallow, but it’s what I was brought up to believe. Spencer was nearly twenty years older than me—”

Mackenzie whistled. “Cradle snatcher.”

“I never really noticed the age gap to be honest. Anyway, he was rich, owned a successful engineering company and he seemed ready to settle down. We shared a common interest in polo horses and … let’s just say, he swept me up with his charm. But more importantly, my friends were very jealous.”

Mackenzie raised his eyebrows. “You married him because your friends were jealous?”

“I’m not proud of it. But the answer is yes. Anyway, how do you know when you’re in love?”

“You just know.”

“But how?” She paused. “Maybe I was in love. October would’ve been our sixteenth anniversary.”

“Next you’ll tell me you were pregnant on your wedding day.”

She nodded. “Five months. But I was lucky.” She shrugged. “I was always chubby and most people didn’t notice.”

“Don’t you feel like you wasted all those years?”

“Yes … and no. The first couple of years were good.”

Mackenzie shook his head.

She glared at him, not happy with his petulance. “What do you know about love? You’re gay.”

Mackenzie physically jumped back and stared down at her. “Are you implying it’s impossible to love in a same sex relationship?”

She stammered. “Well, how can you? It can’t go anywhere.”

“Where does it have to go? You want the love to stay right there.”

“No. I mean, it’s not like you can marry and have kids.”

“Jesus, Abi, you’re so fucking naive.”

His eyes were upon her, and the hurt she saw cut to her core. She was back to Abigail, back to her usual abhorrent behaviour that she’d tried so hard to eradicate. “Mack, I’m sorry. It’s just. I don’t know. I guess I don’t understand love. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, Mackenzie, you’re all I have.”

“You only have me, as you put it, because we’re stuck here together.”

“I know. But I like being stuck here with you. You’re the most beautiful, honest man I’ve ever known. You’re the first person I’ve met that I can really talk to. Please forgive me. I’m an idiot.”

“Let me explain something, Abi. Love doesn’t have any prejudices. Love just does. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to fall in love with a man. It just happened. As a matter of fact I resisted it, pushed it away with all my might. But … it’s a persistent emotion. It got to the stage when I couldn’t function, I couldn’t focus on anything.” He sucked on his lower lip as he looked over at Rodney’s grave. “Rodney was my only reason for living. My heart would constrict if I didn’t hear from him for a day and when I did speak to him, it was like a calming aura surrounded me, telling me everything would be okay.”

She had never known such a love, couldn’t even imagine it.

“Rodney and I became ultimate friends. Like one person in two bodies. We shared every milestone together, good and bad. My love for Rodney was an exposed raw passion and we showed our affection in public and in private like young lovers.” Mackenzie began to cry. “Every night I fell asleep in his arms and I felt safe with him. And now he’s gone and I have no-one.”

She knelt at his feet, wrapped her arms around him and gripped the chair. “You have me, I’m here.”

He continued. “We were like any married couple. We went out together, enjoyed each other’s company.”

She looked up at him as his shoulders heaved. A tear slid down his cheek, teetered momentarily on his thick beard and then disappeared into the dark hair above his scar. Abi’s heart ached at how much he was hurting. She’d never feel that kind of loss. She would need to feel real love first. “You’re wrong, Mack. Not every married couple had what you had. We didn’t.”

“But even though we were the complete couple we could never marry. That crushed us and his parents.”

Abi stared into his eyes. The sadness within them burnt deep. She’d never thought about how awful it would be to love someone but not have your union recognised by society. She felt like a fool, a biased, hypocritical fool. “My marriage was a sham. I would happily trade my wedding certificate for an ounce of what you and Rodney shared.”

“That’s it, you see. We were shunned by society simply because we were in love and weren’t afraid to show it. Love is love, and it should be celebrated in whatever form it comes. Black or white, old or young, male or female. It shouldn’t matter. The world would be a better place if people weren’t afraid to acknowledge love in all its forms.”

“Or to acknowledge when they weren’t in love. I lived in a loveless marriage that made me an angry, resentful fool. I pushed my husband into the arms of other women. God knows how many hearts he broke because of me.”

“I told you, you can’t blame yourself for his infidelity.”

“Yes, I can.” She pushed up from her knees and strode to her luggage. “Let me show you how I did it.” She pulled out her diary and angrily flicked through the pages as she returned to her seat. “Here it is, eighth of January. Read it and tell me why he wouldn’t cheat.”

Mackenzie accepted the book and scanned the page.

“No … read it out aloud, I deserve the humiliation.”

He tilted his head at her. “Abi—”

“Just do it, Mack,” she interrupted. “I need to hear the cold truth.”

She saw his reluctance, but when their eyes met she remained unflinching. Eventually he sighed and began to read:

‘He came to me last night, all panting and pathetic. God he makes me sick. He tells me I’m beautiful. As if that’s going to get me ready for him. I know he thinks of other women when he touches me, how could he possibly get aroused by my hideous body. But I had the last laugh. Always do. I know the other women satisfy him, so why should I? I stopped him, right before he made a mess. Yes, I did. Didn’t take much, just accused him of spending too much time with Rachel. He knows it’s true, why else would he have looked at me like I was the devil. Needless to say, I fell into a wonderful sleep and his side of the bed was cold when I woke this morning. Notch one up for me.’

Mackenzie folded the book over. “Abi—” he started.

“Stop.” A deep growl erupted from her throat as she grabbed the diary and tossed it into the fire.

“Abi … No.” Mackenzie lunged into the fire, grabbed the diary and flung it onto the grass to smother the flames.

“What did you do that for? I need to burn it.”

“No, Abi, you don’t. You need to learn from it. From now on, you write on these gold lined pages with feelings from the real Abi. The one I see before me now. A beautiful, confident, albeit naive woman.” He rolled his eyes at her and smiled.