Lost in Thought (17 page)

Killed. People. My brain kept stuttering over my first thought, so that’s what came out of my mouth. “Holy shit,” I breathed. “You…you
kill
people?!”

Melinda leaned across the table and smoothed her hand over where I didn’t realize mine were tightly gripping the table. “No honey,
we
don’t kill anyone. We do research. And Jeff does absolutely everything he can to keep it from getting to that point. But the Perceptum…well, the Perceptum has had it done in order to protect us all. And I believe that wholeheartedly. I wouldn’t be part of the organization if I didn’t, and I wouldn’t let my nephew either.”

“But…but…” were all the words I could form at that moment.

Melinda had sat back down in her chair so it was Carter who reached out to me this time. He brushed his warm hand across my suddenly cold cheek and, to my surprise, I didn’t flinch. I looked at him with what I was sure were wide, frightened eyes.

“If you knew what most of these people were doing, you might not be so outraged,” he said.

“Please,” I practically begged him, all of them, as I looked around the table, frightened and skittish. “Please tell me
anything
that will help me be less freaked out by this.”

Even more quietly than usual, Jeff answered my plea. “The last man to be executed was a Thought Mover who was using his abilities to do many disgusting things, but most offensively, to rape women without their remembering. He got three of them pregnant, and one he liked so much, he raped her several times. She thought she was going crazy and killed herself.”

126 | C A R A B E R T R A N D

I gasped, and my brain reeled again. “That’s…that’s
horrible,”
I said, though it kind of went without saying. I tried to feel guilt that the man hadn’t gotten a fair trial, but mostly I had a mingled sense of horror over what he’d done and relief that he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else. “But why,” I wondered, “…why didn’t you contact the authorities? Send him to jail or whatever. Something
legal.”

“Thought Movers are nearly impossible to keep in jail, Lainey,”

Carter said. “And besides which, he’d never have been convicted in the first place. Most of the others, the ones in recent history, are nearly as bad,” he added, and Jeff confirmed this. He related a few more stories of the malicious people using their gifts to do pretty terrible things.

Somewhat ironically, these stories of bad people were making me feel better. I was still freaked out, couldn’t help but be afraid of a group that behaved as its own judge, jury, and executioner, but I also couldn’t dispute that I’d have wanted these people stopped too. If it were in my power to do something to stop them, I’d have tried to do it. Maybe not
kill
them, but something.

Most of all, I believed Melinda when she said she wouldn’t be part of the Perceptum if she thought what they were doing was wrong. She was a
good
person, through and through. I knew that instinctively. I had to trust that if she believed there were no other options, then maybe there really weren’t. But I had something more to understand.

“But why is being discreet so important?” I asked. “Why do we have to hide our abilities? There are millions of Sententia, or so you’ve told me, and…and we could do so much
good.”

Everyone nodded, as if I finally asked a question they’d been expecting. Carter answered. “You’re right. We could, but people wouldn’t let us…because people fear differences. If we used our gifts openly, even for the greater good, we’d be persecuted. Historically, we were. They burned Sententia as heretics and ‘witches’ at the stake.” He

L O S T I N T H O U G H T | 127

shook his head decisively. “No, I know it’s hard to accept, but I believe in the Perceptum’s efforts: anonymity is our greatest weapon.

With it, we
can
do the good you’re talking about. Plus,” he added, “some people aren’t at all
interested
in the greater good, including some Sententia. Unfortunately, being cognitively gifted doesn’t automatically make you a good person. Sometimes it makes people
worse.”

I needed more time to think about all of this—years more time, I suspected—but what Carter said did make sense. I realized that, much like this afternoon, somewhere in the middle of our conversation I’d taken hold of Carter’s hand under the table and was holding it rather tightly between mine. Unconsciously, I had reached for his support and he’d apparently given it without hesitation.

Melinda lifted the tension in the room with a tiny, sweet chuckle.

“Well, so much for our light dinner conversation,” she said, then sighed. “I’m sorry, Lainey. This all must be so overwhelming to you.

Carter’s told me how amazingly you’re taking it all, and if anything, I think that was an understatement. Why don’t I go get dessert and give you a few minutes to…process.” With that, she rose, and Jeff followed her back into the kitchen.

Carter was looking at me with concern and maybe a little admira-tion. It made little lines in the middle of his forehead and I wanted to reach up and smooth them out. Instead, I squeezed his hand and he smiled, erasing the lines for me.

“That…must have been hard for you,” he said, words that qualified as possibly the understatement of the year. I think he realized it though, because he gave a glum little laugh and looked down at our entwined hands before asking softly, “Do you want to go home?”

“No,” I said firmly, and I meant it. I think I surprised him, because his head snapped up to look at me. It was almost comical and exactly what I needed. I smiled and went on. “No, I definitely don’t. I want to stay here for a while longer with you and your family because I trust

128 | C A R A B E R T R A N D

you all to tell me the truth and help me work through all this if I need it. Mostly though, I want to put this out of my mind and enjoy dessert.

Did I smell brownies?”

Now he laughed a real laugh, not loudly, but not with sadness either. “You really
are
amazing, Lainey. I think I’ve told you that before, but it bears repeating.”

“I know,” I replied. “But thanks for reminding me.”

WE FINISHED DESSERT—I
had
smelled brownies,
and
they were topped with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce—and coffee, with no more talk of the Perceptum or Sententia or distressing things at all. I felt somewhat relaxed and definitely reassured by the time I needed to head back to campus for curfew. Carter insisted on walking with me, which I knew he would. I would have asked him to do it anyway, if he hadn’t volunteered.

By mutual, unspoken agreement, we took the long way, walking slowly and saying little, fingers twined. It was even colder than when I’d left for dinner, but I found it helped clear my head. I tried to focus on nothing but what I was doing that very moment: slow steps on the sidewalk, my and Carter’s breath puffing in and out around us, his hand warm in mine. First bell rang as we crossed the street but it was otherwise quiet, most everyone already gone for the holiday. Carter and I were about as alone as we could possibly be on campus, and I stopped us under the giant oak tree between the buildings before we reached my dorm.

I thought maybe he knew what I wanted, from the way his pretty eyes were watching me, glinting with what I thought was a blend of hope and…desire. But he said nothing, just waiting. I said nothing either, watching him too, taking in the moment, his tall frame outlined by moonlight from behind. The cold air practically sparked between us, thick with anticipation.

L O S T I N T H O U G H T | 129

I waited, not because I was unsure, but because I had an unshakea-ble feeling that this was…momentous. Special. More important than any other time either of us had done this before. There would be no going back from what I was about to do, I knew for certain. I took a step toward him, until I was close enough to feel the heat from his body and feel my own warm in response.

“I wanted to give something back to you,” I said, looking up at him. “Something I stole from you the other day.” Recognition instantly sparked in his eyes, chased by delight. Unlike before, I was not tentative or quick, and I did not aim for his cheek. I reached up and kissed him, once gently, and then again, as his arms slipped around my waist and the rest of the world fell away.

KISSING CARTER WAS…electric. I’d thought his smiles were intoxicating, but they were nothing like this. This was dangerous. Addicting.

Like a drug I never knew I wanted but now couldn’t imagine going very long without. I had no idea how much time we spent there under the oak tree, only that it was not long enough. When we finally broke the kiss, both of us breathing heavily, I found I was up against the trunk of the tree, holding Carter’s strong body firmly pressed against mine. I had no recollection of when we got there but I knew that I liked it. We looked at each other, not moving away or speaking, for at least a minute. My breathing did not slow.

“Lainey…” Carter whispered, and he bent and kissed me again, his hands slipping under the edge of my sweater and onto the small of my back. I gasped as his cold fingers reached me and Carter gave a small groan in response. It was just about the sexiest sound I’d ever heard and though I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, I pulled him even closer and lost myself in utter bliss.

When we finally pulled apart again, Carter rested his forehead against mine, saying, “God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

130 | C A R A B E R T R A N D

“Probably as long as I have,” I teased.

He pulled back and looked at me. “Really? Then what took you so long?”

I stretched up and kissed him once more. “Wasn’t it worth the wait?”

“Absolutely,” he breathed. “I only wish it hadn’t been quite so close to curfew. You missed second bell. I don’t want to let go of you, but you should probably go inside before we get caught. Because I’d like to do this again. Very soon.”

I laughed and untangled my arms from around him, stepping away from the tree. I instantly missed his warmth and his weight. He ran his hands down the back of my coat, which I could only imagine was covered in bits of tree bark, then took my hand and walked me up to my door. We kissed a final time, before he tore himself away and was down the porch stairs before I had time to protest or stop him.

He turned back around to face me and called softly from there.

“Good night, Lainey. If I don’t leave now…I’ll try not to leave. I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that he was gone.

I watched him disappear around the neighboring building and thought that I’d been right: there would be no going back from that.

And hell if I wanted to, either.

Smiling hugely to myself, I took my keys out of my pocket as quietly as possible, hoping Ms. Kim was asleep or maybe not here yet. As I was about to step inside, I heard what sounded like someone hurrying off the porch from the side exit. I looked around quickly but saw nothing.

“Carter?” I hissed. Nothing. “Hello?” I said, a little louder.

I hurried around to the side of the porch and scanned the grounds in front of me. I supposed it could have been an animal, but wouldn’t an animal have run as soon as we came close? I was about to turn around and head inside when a flash of movement finally caught my

L O S T I N T H O U G H T | 131

eye. Just as she rounded the corner of the library, I saw moonlight glimmer off a fall of short, blond hair over a set of petite shoulders in a dark coat.

I was certain it was Jill.

woke the next morning, far earlier than I wanted, to the sound of my phone ringing. I glanced at the clock and groaned, but then scrambled to answer. It wasn’t my aunt, as I’d expected, but I Carter.

“I was asleep, you know,” was how I answered, though it didn’t come out nearly as irritably as I’d wanted it too. I sounded a little giddy to my ears. Damn it.

“Good morning to you too,” he answered with a laugh. “Come outside.”

“WHAT? I just woke up.”

“Well, I just ran seven and a half miles. Come outside. Please?” he added.

“You’re crazy,” I said, but in reality I was delighted by the idea that Carter was waiting for me outside my building at early o’clock in the morning.

“About you,” he replied, and it wasn’t even sarcastic. I gave an excited little shiver at the thought. “Just come down. I don’t care about your bed head. I thought this might be the only chance I got to see you today and I didn’t want to miss it.”

L O S T I N T H O U G H T | 133

“Haven’t you heard how girls like it when guys act all aloof and barely interested? You’re not playing very hard to get. I may get bored of you.”

I could practically see his dangerous smile through the telephone and I wished my room overlooked the front of the building. “Come outside and I promise that won’t happen,” he said and hung up.

I went outside.

But not until after I brushed my teeth.

ON THE WAY to breakfast, I made a call I probably
should
have made the night before, if I hadn’t been so exhausted. It was early, but I knew no excuse would keep Amy from killing me if I didn’t call her immediately and share the news. I’d had to keep so much from her lately, it felt good to finally have something big I
could
share.

“Lovely Lainey,” she answered groggily. “I miss you too, but you didn’t have to call so early to tell me. What’s up? And it better be quick.”

“It’s quick,” I replied. I was glad she couldn’t see my stupid grin through the phone.