Lost in Thought (20 page)

He stopped then, and I let my thoughts tumble in the resulting silence. Facing difficult realities was starting to feel like a daily occurrence. It felt like I’d had more than my share of challenges already. Obviously Carter had too. But life and love were never going to be easy, and I admitted that maybe I
had
been thinking Carter was practically perfect. Maybe that was unfair. Or maybe he only had to be perfect
for me,
flaws and all. Ultimately, I kept coming back to one simple, important question. So I asked him.

“All I want to know is this: will you wait for me?”

His smile was sad but genuine. “You don’t get it, Lainey. I’ve been waiting for
you
for years. I’ll keep waiting as long as you want me to.”

ON OUR WAY back to campus, I finally remembered the bizarre connection that started the whole conversation. “What’s the coincidence?”

I asked.

“Hm?”

“It was the first thing Alexis said,” I reminded him. “This— somehow—has something to do with your not going to classes here.

You said it was a coincidence.”

“Oh, that,” he said. “It’s true, that there’s a connection, but it really is a coincidence. Sententia gifts…well, sometimes having sex can jumpstart developing gifts. Bring them to full strength. We don’t know

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why, exactly, a chemical reaction in the brain or an incomplete connection that’s sparked…”

“I take it you were sparked?”

He laughed softly. “I woke up and all of a sudden I could remember…
everything
. It was a little overwhelming at first, to put it mildly. I’d always found school pretty easy, but that seemed like struggling compared to what I can do now. What I could suddenly do then. I started at the Academy for my freshman year, but it only took a few weeks to realize that sitting in class all day was pointless. In that year, I finished what would have been most of my entire four years’ worth of education.”

“Wow. My brain hurts just trying to imagine that. But…why didn’t you go to the Academy in seventh or eighth grade?”

“Because the Penroses are scholarship students, not Legacies. It was part of my family’s original agreement with the Perceptum, but the school was only the equivalent of a high school then, so we’re only invited starting in the ninth grade. I didn’t graduate from the Academy right away, though I could have, because I didn’t want to give up my high school years
entirely
. So I did advanced projects, things like that, and mostly played sports and had a little bit of a social life within the Academy other than serving my classmates at the bookstore.” We’d reached the Academy’s gates and he stopped outside of them. “Speaking of which…I really have to get back. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “Unlike you, my homework is going to take me a few hours.” I started to take a step toward school, but instead he pulled me back into his arms, so tightly I almost couldn’t breathe. He didn’t kiss me though, just held on.

“Lainey…I
am
sorry,” he said, as he tucked my head under his chin. “I don’t deserve you, but I’m grateful you’ll still have me.”

AMY FOUND ME later sitting on my bed, staring absently at the wall, not doing my hours of homework.

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She looked at my vacant expression and threw herself down next to me. “What are you doing, deeply contemplating my excellent choice of paint color? What’s up with you?”

I told her the whole story, starting with Alexis’s accusations right through Carter’s sordid history. I didn’t hesitate before I decided to share
everything
. Amy might have loved gossip, but she didn’t like to spread misery.

“God, I hate that bitch,” she said when I was done. “I mean, seriously. Hate her. I’ve always known she was a bitch, but she’s outdone herself this time. Jealousy is
so
ugly.”

“Did you know?” I asked her. Alexis had intimated that she did, and so far there’d been some truth to everything she’d said.

Amy sighed, her perfect eyebrows dropping down over her eyes.

“Ah, sort of, I guess. No, don’t be pissed at me. I didn’t know
all
the details…I figured Carter wasn’t a perfect angel, and yeah, I knew he’d had his fair share of girlfriends. More than fair share, obviously. But honestly, even if I’d known the whole gory truth, I’d still be happy you were with him. I
am
happy you’re with him. I mean it. None of this changes my opinion of Carter. Mistakes in his past or not, he
is
a good guy and he’s my friend. I’m glad you didn’t dump him. I think I’d have punched Alexis in the mouth if you did.”

That image made me laugh and it felt good. “I might still do it myself, so don’t steal my thunder.”

Amy joined in my laughter and gave me an impromptu hug. “You just being you is enough to ruin her whole day. You don’t even need to punch her.” I lapsed into silence again until I found Amy’s arm creeping back around my shoulder. “Okay,” she said. “What’s really bugging you? It’s obviously more than Carter’s past. Can I have three guesses what it is?”

I was having trouble articulating to myself what was wrong, or, to be honest, I didn’t
want
to spell it out. “Go for it,” I told her. I should

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have known she wouldn’t need three guesses. She wasn’t guessing at all.

“Now you’re worried about the sex thing. Because you’ve never done it and he has, lots of times, and you’re afraid you either won’t be good enough or he really will get bored of waiting until you’re ready.

How’d I do? Pretty close?”

Yeah, that was a bulls eye. “Is it so obvious? How did you know?”

She sighed again. “Because I’ve been there, Lane. That was me, two years ago, except the guy really was a first class jerk and I was just a naïve freshman mooning over the upperclassman. Fourteen really isn’t all that young,” she added softly at the end.

I found myself shocked again. I knew she wasn’t a virgin, but I’d never asked about any of the details. “I…never thought you’d have been naïve about anything. What happened?”

“It is surprising, isn’t it? As for what happened…I honestly thought I’d be the girl who got the guy and kept him. No surprise, but I wasn’t. Like an idiot, I gave it up way too soon, and like the skilled player he was, he kept on with me just long enough afterwards that he didn’t look like a complete ass to everyone else.”

Now it was my turn to hug her. “I’m sorry, Ame. That sucks. I don’t know what else to say.”

She waved her hand. “Ancient history. I hated myself for a little while afterwards, mostly for being so stupid—some genius, huh?—but it hardly feels important anymore. He’s gone to college and gotten a fat beer gut, and I have a fabulous, sexy boyfriend who I actually think loves me. What’s to feel bad about anymore?”

Her boyfriend
definitely
loved her, no doubt. I would have been embarrassed to ask my next question to anyone else. “Have you…been with anyone else since then?”

“Yeah,” she replied without hesitation. “Two guys. Neither one of them are Caleb, by the way. Not yet, anyway.” I knew that, because

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she told me
everything
, and I was certain would tell me that happy news as soon as it happened. “Neither one is from Northbrook either. And I mean, it’s not like I’m whoring around or whatever. I wish my first had ended up being more special, but I don’t regret the times since.”

As was often the case, I envied Amy’s positive attitude, and despite my previous life as a world traveler, felt infinitely less sophisticated than her. My next question I actually
was
embarrassed to ask, but I went ahead and asked anyway, softly, my trademark blush lighting up my face. “What’s it like?”

This time she laughed at me. “That depends. Do you want me to tell you it’s all magic and rainbows, or do you want me to tell you the truth?”

I couldn’t help but laugh too. “The truth, please.”

“Well,” she said, “I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but at first, it might not be real great. It might even hurt a little. But there’s a reason people seem to enjoy it so much…it just takes a little while to understand. After that though, well, sometimes it can be magical. And being with someone who respects you really helps.”

“Thank you,” I said. “For understanding. And especially for being honest with me. I appreciate it.”

She bounded up off my bed and over to her desk, pulling out books as she went. “My pleasure,” she said. “Who else is going to tell you the dirty truth?” Then she giggled. “Hopefully I put you off the idea completely.”

“This whole day has put me off the idea completely.”

She laughed, but I wasn’t exactly joking.

THE FALLOUT FROM my showdown with Alexis was…a little ugly.

The day after our disastrous confrontation, she came into the bookstore with her friends, a bold move if you asked me. I doubted she noticed I was there because I was at the end of the counter, talking to Melinda. Carter was in the storeroom, but I think he must have

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heard her before he saw her. His face was already stormy when he came up the back stairs.

“Carter…” was all I got out before he walked straight past me and into the lounge area. I didn’t want to move—actually, I wanted to disappear—in case she saw me, so I stayed where I was and tried to remain inconspicuous. Melinda gave me an understanding smile and squeezed my hand. She also gave a little shrug, as if she knew this was coming and couldn’t stop it. I willed myself not to watch, but I found I couldn’t help it. At least it was brief.

Carter walked directly up to Alexis—she hadn’t even had a chance to sit down—and pointed to the door. “You need to leave.”

He wasn’t polite, he wasn’t quiet, and he didn’t apologize.

Much to my amazement, she played coy. “I’m sorry?” she said, offering up a dazzling smile I was sure would have distracted any other guy.

Carter was not having it. “What the
fuck
, Alex! You’re not stupid, so don’t pretend to be. You. Need. To. Leave. Either that, or apologize—and mean it.” If the whole room hadn’t been watching already, they were absolutely riveted now.

I was sure she wasn’t used to being called out, pretty much ever, and it deflated her almost instantly. She looked down and fiddled with the strap on her bag, her words coming out in a faint stammer.

“I…I’m sorry, Carter. It was just a joke, you know? I’d have told her that the next time I saw her.”

Carter actually laughed. “I was wrong. Maybe you are stupid, or you think I am. It wasn’t a joke, and you and I both know it. And I’m not looking for an apology for
me
. Lainey’s right over there”—he gestured to where I lurked at the counter, with a truly mortified expression on my face, I was sure—“so you can apologize now, and
mean it,
or you can go.”

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He turned abruptly and walked toward the counter, leaving her gaping at his back. The murderous look she gave me was followed quickly by what I thought were genuine tears—Carter couldn’t see her, so they weren’t for his benefit, and certainly not for mine—before she ran out the front door, leaving her friends standing dumbstruck. After a few unsure moments of glancing between us and the door, they picked up their bags and followed after Alexis. The rest of the room erupted into excited whispers, and I hid my face in Carter’s shoulder, both embarrassed and secretly pleased.

A few days later, I ran into Brooke, again, alone in the dining hall.

Winter activities started after Thanksgiving, and because I couldn’t sing or dance or debate and, despite my height and Coach Anderson’s heavy recruitment, wasn’t interested in basketball, I had joined the volleyball team. I missed my excuse for getting up early—swim practice— so I decided to do it anyway. I went to breakfast by myself, using the time to read a book for fun or finish up some homework. Until I found Brooke, anyway. Then I used the time to gossip about the enemy camp.

Strangely, I’d already seen more of Brooke since break than I had the whole first part of the year, since she also played on the volleyball team.
Kicked ass
on the volleyball team was more like it, because though she might have been small, she had a wicked serve. But despite that I saw her every afternoon, we never got to talk privately.

“What on earth are you doing here at this hour?” I asked, smiling as I dropped my bag into an empty seat.

“Waiting for you,” she said, and laughed that delightful laugh of hers. I ran off to fill my tray before I settled back at the table for the first of what would become our weekly breakfast dates.

She gave me a sympathetic look and said, “So obviously I, uh, heard about what happened.” It was a vague statement, but we both knew exactly what she was talking about.

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“It’s not a big deal,” I said, and she laughed again.

“Lainey, seriously? It’s the biggest deal here all year! Lex has a good game face, but she’s never been so embarrassed. All I can say is it’s a good thing you’re not going out for the drama production, or I swear she’d bust a vein.”

Brooke really had a keen ability to make me smile, rivaled only by Carter’s and Amy’s. I appreciated it immensely. “I kind of feel like I’m already
in
the drama production, if you know what I mean.”

“Totally,” she agreed. “That’s what’s killing Lex the most. She thought she’d orchestrated this great scheme, and it completely back-fired on her. But that’s her tragic flaw—we’re doing a drama unit in English, right?—arrogance. She can’t believe that
everyone
else doesn’t think she’s as amazing as she thinks she is, because, with her gift, most of them do. You probably hate her, for good reason, but I just feel sad about it. She can be great if she wants to. I just wish she weren’t so spoiled.”