Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 06 (4 page)

“No.”

“That's the spirit. You see, that is why coming to Hamburger-a-gogo is sooo good for you—it will broaden what there is of your mind.”

I started to sing, “‘I want to be a part of it, New York, New YORK!!!!!'”

I stopped because of intense pensioner glaring when we passed the post office.

Jas was slouching along by my side like a trusty…badger.

“Jas, why do they call it that? New York, New York? We don't say London, London, do we?”

“Hmmm.”

“Perhaps it is because Hamburgese people are a bit on the slow side and don't get it immediately, so they have to say it twice.”

9:30 p.m.

Vati made us watch a really old film tonight with John Wayne in it.

midnight

I was right to be worried about them being a bit on the slow side. Crikey, John Waaaaaaayne speaks slowly. If all Americans speak so slowly I'll be there all day queuing up behind people as they ask for a cup of “caaaaaawwwwwfffeeeee.” (And I don't even know why I am in the queue, as I don't even like caawwfffee.)

Also, if Dad doesn't stop singing Elvis songs I may go insane.

friday may 13th
dawn
nine days to hamburger-a-gogo land

Dad burst into my room in his pajamas and Elvis quiff, singing “Heartbreak Hotel.”

Now that I am up I will make a list of stuff to take to the States.

7:25 a.m.

This is my packing list.

• 1.
  Makeup essentials
  
• 2.
  Really gorgey clothes
  

I've gathered my makeup essentials together and they fill a suitcase.

I wonder if I can get Jassy to put some of my makeup in her bag. Mind you, knowing her, she's already filled her bag with her ginormous knickers—or big “panties,” as we must learn to call them now.

Although “big panties” reminds me of incontinent knickers.

Still, let the Americans have it their way. I love them all. And I mean that most sincerely.

Even though I have never met them.

chaos headquarters
8:00 a.m.

Mutti was dragging Gordy out of Libby's haversack. And Libby was hitting Mum on the head with her spoon.

“Bad Mummy, bad.”

Libby had hidden Gordy in her havvy because she wants to take him to kindy with her. But even Mum noticed the haversack walking around by itself.

Then the phone rang.

Mutti yelled at me, “Get that, Georgia, its bound to be one of your daft friends.”

Oh, that is nice, isn't it? It is much more likely to be one of her daft friends.

I answered it and said, “Yes, hello. Reception speaking, Hotel Insane.”

It was Dave the Laugh. Oh my giddygod, and I hadn't even got any lip gloss on.

He said, “Hi, Sex Kitty, Hornmeister here. I'm in a hurry but thought you would like to know that the extremely flash Masimo, who I personally feel might be on the gay side handbagwise—”

“Dave…”

“OK, OK. All I can find out is that he is staying in Manhattan and his surname is Scarlotti.”

I said, “Oh, thank you thank you, Dave.”

“It's cool. I'm sure we can think of some way you can repay me—it may involve heavy snogging. 'Bye.”

And he put the phone down.

Yipppppeeeee!!!

Manhattan, here I come.

8:30 a.m.

Ran to meet Jas.

She was all flustered like a fringy loon.

I said, “Howdy.”

“Come on, Georgia, we'll be late.”

As we galloped along I said, “I am going to speak American all day today.”

Jas went pant pant. “They speak English.”

I said, “Don't be mad.”

Pant pant. We arrived on time, but only just. Wet Lindsay was on sadist duty. She looked at us as we panted by her like we were a couple of turds in uniform.

“Can't you two grow up and be on time for once?”

I gave her a big smile whilst gazing at her ear.

I said, “Howdy. Now you all have a nice day. You hear?”

She stomped off to terrorize some first formers, but she was fingering her lug holes.
Hahahahahaha. And also
hasta la vista
, baby. Possibly.

maths

God, maths is boring. And complete bollocks.

When I marry Masimo I will have manservants to do my adding up for me.

And my quadratics equations, which I will never use.

lunchtime

Operation Track Down the Luuuuuuuuuurve God.

Made Jas come to the library with me.

Miss Wilson almost fell off her stool when we came in.

I calmed her by saying, “Alrighty? Now you all have a nice day.”

We lugged the big atlas to a table and I leafed through the maps until I got to America and found New York, New York.

I said to Jas, “Now, where is Memphis, Memphis?”

Jas found it and said, “It looks a bit far down.”

For once she is not wrong. On the plus side, Manhattan is only about an eighth of an inch long.

But it is about two feet from Memphis.

Still, there must be buses surely.

4:30 p.m.

On the way home I was singing “Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope play.” To Jazzy. She loves a bit of a singsong.

I said that. I said, “You love a bit of a singsong don't you, Jazzy.”

“No.”

“See, I knew you did. You do a little dance whilst I sing the chorus. You could do a dance based on a deer. Go on, do the little deer dance, make your feet like—”

And that is when she kicked me. She can be very violent.

She said, “I haven't told him yet.”

“What? Who?”

“Hunk—er, I mean Tom, about Hamburger-a-gogo land.”

I looked at her in amazednosity. Radio Jas, the voice of the nation, had not told Hunky something?

She said, “I can be just as independent and adventurous as him.”

I didn't laugh, even though I have seen the
amount of knickers that Jas thinks she will need for seven days.

I MUST sort out my clothes this weekend.

le
weekend
11:00 a.m.

Now then, I am going to take a “capsule” wardrobe. It's what Naomi Campbell and all the top models do. They just take the absolute essentials with them when they travel.

12:00 p.m.

I'm exhausted, but I have managed to whittle my capsule wardrobe down to six cases.

12:01 p.m.

And a rucksack.

12:03 p.m.

Apart from my shoes, which I can't get in, but Mum will probably put them in her case.

12:30 p.m.

Nobody has yet told Libby that Angus and Gordy are not coming with us on our holidays.

12:35 p.m.

When someone does tell her, I will tell you one thing for free: it will not be me. I need all my limbs for my Luuurve quest.

12:40 p.m.

Libby has made Gordy a paper bikini for his holidays, which might come in handy if he were coming on holiday.

And cats wore bikinis.

And if he hadn't immediately destroyed it and then buried it in the rubber plant.

sunday may 15th
midday
seven days to hamburger-a-gogo land

I hate my dad. He is so unreasonable it's like dealing with a spoiled child. I asked Mum if she would be so kind as to slip my shoes in her case and all hell broke loose. Dad said, “Why don't you put them in your case?”

And I said, “Because, Father, all of my cases are full.”

Vati came stropping into my bedroom, saw my cases, and said, “Don't be ridiculous, you can
take one case. That is it.”

I said, “Excuse me if I am right, Dad, but do you want me to look like a poor person in front of the Hamburgese? I am representing the English nation abroad.”

But you might as well be talking to yourself.

2:00 p.m.

I've repacked, but it is still three cases of essentials.
Sacré
bloody
bleu
.

Jas phoned to tell me that she told Hunky about her trip and he has had the boy version of a nervy spaz. He phoned her eighteen times in two hours.

“He was so upset.”

“Yes, you said.”

“Really really upset. He phoned me eighteen times in two hours.”

“Er…I know.”

“Eighteen times.”

“Wow…how many times did you say he phoned?”

I said it ironically, but Jas didn't get it. She just went on and on.

“Eighteen times, and then he came round this
morning really early and posted a love-poem song-type thing through my door.”

Oh, no. Not a love poem.

“Do you want to hear it?”

“No.”

“It's called ‘You are the only fish in my sea.'”

Good Lord, the whole family is obsessed with livestock.

To cheer her up and to get me out of my packing nightmare scenario I called a gang meeting.

in the park sitting on the swings
4:30 p.m.

Jas has read her poem to everyone, so I hope she has got it out of her system now. It is truly crap. That is a fact, but I didn't say so. I wanted Jas to perk up for our big adventure. I was soooo excited, and I was standing up swinging on a swing, singing, “‘I want to be in America! Everything free in America!!!'”

Then Ellen said, “Georgia, have you actually snogged Masimo yet?”

I laughed in a sultry way.

“Have I snogged Masimo? Have I—”

Jas said, “No, she hasn't. Well, not unless you count two seconds, which I don't, and anyway it's
not on the list, so it's not…on the…list.”

Oh thanks, bestest pally NOT. I wish I had told her what I thought about Fish Boy's poem now.

Jools said, “Do you think that Wet Lindsay has snogged him? You know when they went to ‘Late and Live,' she must have, you know, wanted to.”

Ohhhnooo. Get out of my head.

I said, “Who in their right mind would snog Wet Lindsay?”

Jools said, “Well, actually, Robbie must have snogged her because they went out together and—”

I started humming in my head so I didn't have to listen to this; it was making me feel quite sick.

Jas said, “Perhaps some kind of boys like tiny foreheads. Tom said that he knows a boy who is mad for girls who wear really thick glasses.”

Good grief. Still, at least, there was a chance for Nauseating P. Green.

Ellen was obviously in her own dream world.

“That mate of Tom's—Speedy—asked me out when I was down the square, but, oh, I don't know. It's just, there is something. I mean, he's nice but I still, you know, have feelings for…well, you know. Do you think?”

I said, “Can I ask you something, Ellen? What are you raving on about?”

I wished I hadn't asked.

“I mean Dave the Laugh. Is he going out with Rachel still…or…er…what?”

Jas said, “He wasn't with her when we saw him the other day, was he, Gee? Did he mention her when you went for a coffee?”

Oh shutupshutup about Dave the sodding Laugh.

Ellen was just about to start the “I didn't know that you saw Dave the Laugh, what did you talk about, did he mention me? How come you went for a coffee with him?” scenario when Mabs saved my bacon(ish).

Mabs said, “How do you know that Masimo wants to see you?”

“Well, he asked me for my telephone number and I couldn't give it to him because my head was about to drop off from redness. So he said ‘OK, Miss Hard to Get, I will see you later when I get back from America.'”

Ellen was looking at me. “So he said ‘see you later' then?”

I said, “No, not just ‘see you later' like in ‘see you later,' but more—”

But Ellen was locked into her own ramblosity.

“Dave the Laugh said ‘see you later' to me and I did the flicky hair and everything and dancing by myself and so on…and then he went off with Rachel.”

The gang started nodding wisely (not).

I said, “Yes, but Masimo said ‘see you later' after I had become Mystery Woman.”

Rosie said, “‘Mystery Woman?'”

“Yes, after I had accidentally treated him to my glaciosity.”

Rosie had her face really close to mine.

“You are Mystery Woman?”

All the gang looked at me.

Jools said, “You are MYSTERY Woman?”

Then Mabs said, “YOU are Mystery Woman?”

What is this, a parrots' convention?

Rosie said, “Mystery Woman. You are Mystery Woman. At least he doesn't still think you're Oooooooh My Boy Entrancers Have Stuck Together Woman?”

home
5:30 p.m.

Oh, boo. Now I have got the screaming heebie-jeebies and doubtosity all rolled into one. Perhaps Masimo says “See you when I get back, Miss Hard to Get” to everyone.

5:45 p.m.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, they take a turn for the worserer.

Grandad has canceled his cat duties because he is going on a bicycling tour to the Lake District. He says he has heard the call of the wild and is setting out tonight with his backpack.

I cannot believe the utter selfishosity of the elderly.

5:50 p.m.

Family “conference” (aka Dad shouting a lot).

We can't think of anyone stupid…er…kind enough to look after Angus and Gordy.

6:15 p.m.

Mum has tried all her so-called aerobics friends and none of them will come over. I said to her, “Did
you tell them about the mice cream incident?”

Of course she has, so she has only herself to blame.

6:30 p.m.

Sadly, I have also shown off about Angus and Gordy's “adventures” and alluring little habits
vis-à-vis
woodland animals, pooing, etc. So none of my friends will have anything to do with them. Rosie said that Sven said he would look after Angus and Gordy in a cave he has found. But the whole idea of that is far, far too weird.