Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) (36 page)

He hadn’t expected it to happen, and he hadn’t wanted it to—perhaps it was the fine whiskey he was sipping, or the warm glow of the fire that Greg lit in the fireplace on the opposite side of the room after the sun went down, or the brightness and beauty of the stars shining through the massive windows—but something about this place and these people was capturing him. And something inside of him was letting it happen, wanting it to happen.

It had been an awfully long time since Cal had taken a break. A real proper break. He hadn’t stopped or taken a moments respite since he learned about Hart, and that had been over a year ago. Cal was due. He needed this time, and whatever came from it. And only one day in, he was already feeling the benefits. In a few more days’ time maybe the whole world would be clearer, or at least his thoughts on the world. Cal wasn’t nearly ready or strong enough yet to admit it, but he was beginning to think this trip had been a good idea after all.

“King win; ten lose,” Andrew said turning over two cards.

Cal heard a few sharp intakes of air as Ellie and Mary lost bets on their cards.

“Knave win; seven lose,” Andrew said turning over the last two cards in play.

Ellie, having lost all her points now, shoved her last card forward, as did Angela and Mary. Cal and Greg both won points in this last round and Cal quickly tallied them up in his head before Andrew had a chance to total everyone’s points himself.

“Ah yes!” Cal exclaimed looking to Greg. “That makes another vintage bottle of whiskey for my collection.”

Greg crossed his arms in mock frustration. “And you were worried about us cleaning you out.”

“It’s all in good fun, Lord Lincoln.”

“Greg. I already told you that.”

“Greg.” Cal nodded his head, still trying to wrap his brain around such familiarity. “And you have time to win them back if you’d like.”

“Oh,” Greg waved his hand. “I’m not so concerned. I have plenty more where those came from.”

“We’ll see what you’re saying by the end of the weekend.”

Ellie laughed once and tapped Cal’s arm again. This was the most confusing part of the entire holiday so far. Even more confusing than his willingness to relax and enjoy himself. He wasn’t sure what to make of her and a quick glance in her direction told him she wasn’t sure what to make of herself either. But instead of worrying himself over the things he didn’t know, he let himself feel grateful for one thing he did—that his fear of leaving her irreparably damaged had proven false.

“I have a bet for you, Cal.” Mary rested her head on her hand and narrowed her eyes as Andrew shuffled the cards and began to deal them out for the next game.

“Do you have some wine you’d like to give? Or perhaps some expensive jewelry?” Cal lowered his voice. “Will your husband be alright with that?”

Mary gasped and then laughed, as did everyone else. “You know I wasn’t so sure before but now I can see it. I see what Ellie sees… and why she lov—oww!”

Mary glared at her husband as a tight smile formed on her face, and Cal looked at Ellie. Her cheeks were slightly red and her hand, which was still resting on his arm, trembled. She quickly removed it.

“As I was saying,” Mary looked at her husband and then back to Cal. “I have a bet for you. And yes, it is one of rather high stakes.”

“Name the terms.”

“If you win, I will give you my entire collection of vintage liquors and wines—”

Everyone gasped except Greg, who just shook his head at this apparently commonplace antic of his wife.

“—I’ve been collecting for over fifteen years from my own personal allowance and it’s now worth close to ten thousand pounds—”

This time Greg did gasp and he choked on his drink. But after he composed himself he shook his head again and held his tongue, even as a small smile formed on his face.

Cal leaned on the edge of the table. “And if you win?”

“You continue your work for the mill workers.”

“
What?
” Cal’s jaw tightened. What was happening? Was this a bloody ambush? He’d known he would have to face Ellie about this topic at some point, but not from her family. And certainly not now. “I can’t accept that bet. I won’t.”

Mary shrugged her shoulders. “Sounds like a fair deal to me…”

“This isn’t what I agreed to. I promised my uncle I would come here and spend time with all of you and listen to Ellie and I’d let her try to convince me that I’m—that I’m a good—” He swallowed the words in his throat unable to even think them let alone say them. It was all coming back now, the hurt and the anger. The feeling of worthless. “I knew this was a mistake. I don’t know why I agreed to this…
I don’t know what I was thinking!
”

Ellie reached for his arm but Cal pushed her away and stood up from the table. He’d let down his guard one too many times and now he was too damaged to hold anything back. A single shard of ice pierced his heart, finally releasing all the pain and sadness he’d held inside for so long. “No, Ellie. Not after everything I’ve done. Not after everyone I’ve hurt.”

“We’ve all made our fair share of mistakes,” Andrew mused as he ran his fingers along the edge of the stack of cards.

“Did any of your mistakes cause pain and suffering?”

“Did any of them not?”

“Did your mistakes cause death?”

“There’s more than one kind of death, you know.”

“There’s only one kind that counts.”

“Are you so sure?”

Cal didn’t know how to answer that. Instead he glared at Andrew, who continued on.

“In my experience, all loss is a form of death... Even the loss of a feeling or an idea. But you don’t have to let something stay lost forever.”

“What the
hell
are you talking about?”

“Our actions are incredibly powerful.”

Cal scoffed. “Nothing I do will bring him back.”

“No,” Andrew stood up and stoked the fire before leaning against the mantle. “Not in the way you’re thinking, anyway. But in other ways that will live on longer than he ever would have lived on his own.”

“I can’t bring him back.”

“You can honor his memory by reforming those mills. And you can bring yourself back.”

“I. Can’t. Bring. Him. Back!”

Cal was out of the room before he even realized he was running.

***

Ellie stood in her room busying herself by unpacking. She’d come up here to escape and think after Cal left the room, but the silence was doing her no good. She was still at a loss, more so now than when she’d agreed to bring Cal along.

All she’d managed to do so far was absentmindedly pat his arm and convince him to stay downstairs and play the card game. What was that about anyway? Her touching him and him relaxing next to her. And what Mary said to Cal about seeing what Ellie saw in him. Greg had cut her off but Ellie knew what Mary was going to say.
Love.
And it had made her shake with fear.

Ellie closed her eyes and sighed. She didn’t understand any of this, what to do or the feelings that went along with it. She didn’t understand Cal either, and she understood herself even less. And how could she help him when she couldn’t even help herself?

“He was lying, you know.”

Ellie looked up to see her mother had entered the room behind her and was now arranging clothing in the wardrobe, or rather pretending to do so.

“What?” Ellie asked.

“He was lying.”

“About which part?” Ellie felt a smile tug at her lips though she wasn’t entirely sure why.

“He lied when he answered your questions the day you were hurt.” Ellie’s mother was looking down as she worked but Ellie saw just a sliver of a smile flash across her face. “When he said this was all just a game, that you were just a game, and that he hadn’t planned on helping anyone. That was a lie. He was lying about everything…”

I know that.

“Everything except…”

“Except what?”

“Except how he feels about you.”

Ellie’s heart fluttered in her chest. “And how is that?”

“Oh.” Now her mother actually did smile. “Don’t you know?”

“Well, I—” Ellie cleared her throat and put her hands up to her now rosy cheeks. She was sure she was wearing a mixture of emotions. Half elation and half anger that she’d allowed herself to think any of these feelings, hers or his, were real.

“Do you love him?” her mother asked frankly.

“I’m—I’m not sure how to answer that… I’m afraid to answer that.”

“And why is that?” Ellie’s mother came to her and took her hand, as they both sat down on the bed. “What are you afraid of?”

“Myself, mostly. Trusting myself. And I’m afraid of my feelings and what they might mean,” Ellie said, finally expressing her fears out loud. Somehow it made everything she’d been thinking and feeling since that day seem more real.

There was a part of her that didn’t want to move on from him. Ever. A part of her that still loved him so completely and with every fiber of her being that she still ached with want and need. Because deep inside, she still harbored the secret belief that she’d been right about the Cal she knew and wrong about the Lord McAlister she didn’t know.

That part of her still held out hope. That part still believed he was a good person even though he’d lied to her. He’d just gotten in over his head, and it wasn’t as if she’d made it any easier for him with all the terrible things she’d said. She couldn’t say she would have done any differently in his position. And she could respect that and understand it if it was the truth.

But she was afraid to even consider the possibility. She was afraid to trust herself again and let down her guard just to be thrown into the depths of confusion and despair once more. And that was hardest part—learning to trust herself again. It was even harder than leaning to trust others.

“I mean what if I say that I love him, even now, only to find that the person I love doesn’t even exist and never did? I mean all this time I couldn’t see who he was—”

“Couldn’t you though?” Ellie turned her head to see her father leaning against the door frame.

“What?”

“Oh, a person is more than their name. Just look at you dear, you have so many, none of which you chose… And from them you choose your own identity and a new name in which to embody it.” He came and sat down next to Ellie as well, patting her hand. “And you know, he didn’t choose that title of his either, any more than I chose the one I was given… But he did choose the name you call him by and the identity that goes along with that.”

“I—I never thought about it that way.”

“That said,” her mother chimed in. “I will say I was a bit surprised when I saw you with him the first time and realized who he was—”

“
You what?
” Ellie nearly choked on the words as she looked to her mother.

“I saw the two of you together long before I came to fetch you that day you were injured. And I knew who he was long before Mandy so unceremoniously yelled out his name.”

“But how?” Her mother had said she knew about Cal, but Ellie never imaged she’d actually seen them together. Or even more shockingly, that she’d known who he was.

“Oh…” Ellie’s mother waved her hand and crossed her arms.

“Mother?”

“Oh, alright.” She cleared her throat. “I told you, none of you whisper as quietly as you think and I’ll admit it, I was curious. So one night I stayed up late and—”

“Mother!”

“I know. I know. I’m rather embarrassed about it myself. But a mother never stops being a mother, no matter how old her children grow.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, but smiled, letting her mother’s love nestle comfortably inside of her.

“And as far as how I knew who he was…”

“Yes?”

“I met him once at one of Lady Rivenhall’s parties years ago. When I saw him with you, I recognized him immediately.”

“And you just…” Ellie shook her head, slack jawed. “Let me? You didn’t care?”

“Of course I cared! But you’re a grown woman—yes, I know. I’ve said it. My baby girl is all grown-up.” Ellie’s mother smiled and kissed her daughter’s forehead. “But that’s not the point. The point is that because I’m your mother, I know you. I know how you are with people and so I trusted you. I trusted that you knew what you were doing regardless of whether you knew who he was or not. And I still trust you. You hear that? If I can trust you then there’s no reason you shouldn’t trust yourself.”

Ellie took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. How do I know for sure that I wasn’t wrong about him and that I won’t just get my heart broken?”

“Oh, neither of us can guarantee you won’t end up with a broken heart.” Ellie’s father shook his head with a small chuckle. “I think we’d be better off guaranteeing that you will. Such is life. And a broken heart isn’t always the tragedy we imagine it to be.”

“But I can guarantee something else,” Ellie’s mother added.

“What?”

“That you were right.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow. “But how? How do I know that for sure?”

“Trust me. You do trust me don’t you?”

“Yes. Of course,” Ellie said without a doubt.

“Alright then. So trust me when I say that the man standing in that room the day you were hurt was
not
the same man I met before at the dowager’s party. Believe that and use your trust in me to have trust in yourself. Because I’m telling you that you were right. Your instincts were right, my dear, as they so often are… He’s hurting and he has immense guilt over how he treated you. But he’s a
very
good man.”

Ellie paused, a sense of warm relief washing after weeks of tension. “I did once… Love him, I mean.”

“Yes or no?” her mother asked again. “There’s not an in-between when it comes to love, dear.”

“Yes.” Ellie said taking the chance. “I do.” She was surprised with just how easy it was to admit.

“But?” her father asked, knowing she had a caveat.

“Let’s just say that I can find a way to trust my own instincts again. That I can believe he’s the person I thought he was.”

“He is.” Her mother assured. “And he loves you.”

For just a moment, Ellie allowed that to make her smile. “There’s still the other part of all of this…”