Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) (37 page)

Her father leaned back on his elbows. “And what part is that?”

“Trusting him. And his world. Because it’s people like him you were trying to keep me from in the first place.”

“People like him? No.” Her mother laughed, seeming to find the idea very amusing. “Not people like him at all.”

“But this isn’t what you wanted for me.” Ellie leaned back now on one arm and gestured the other one in front of her. “His world.”

“Isn’t it, though?” her father asked.

“But… but I thought that was why you abdicated your title, to save me from—”

“No. No, my dear. You’ve misunderstood. We didn’t save you,” her father said. “You saved us. The least we could do was return the favor.”

“No... I don’t understand…” Ellie shook her head, dazed.

“Oh, but you did,” her mother said placing a hand on her daughter’s face. “When we couldn’t see our love in each other we saw it in you.”

“But...”

“But don’t you see?” Ellie’s mother continued to cradle her face in her hands. “That means it’s always been inside of you. You’ve always had the power to save yourself. And that’s all we ever wanted for you. For you to have the ability to forge your own way in life. To make your own choices. To have the strength to do whatever you want and to handle your decisions once you make them. And so that’s why we left that world—not because we decided how you should live, but because we hadn’t decided and we didn’t want to. We wanted to give that choice to you.”

Ellie’s mother wrapped her arms around Ellie and held her tight. “You’ll trust yourself again one day, probably sooner than you think. And when you do, you won’t need my help or anyone else’s to figure out what to do with your life.”

Ellie hugged her mother with all her might. “I’ve always thought there was something more inside of me, something strong and powerful but I didn’t know how to find it. And maybe I won’t need help to make decisions, but I did need help to figure out who I truly was. Cal, he—” Ellie choked on his name. “I thought that maybe I was wrong about that too, that what I’d discovered about myself couldn’t possibly be true because it stemmed from Cal… but now you say that you saw those things in me as well. That those things have always been there… Perhaps, perhaps I can trust—”

The sobs rose up in Ellie’s throat and poured out, the pain of the past several weeks leaving her body in a tidal wave. Her parents held her tight until at last she felt a warm current of strength and confidence spreading through her body. She had hope once more. And for the first time in a long time she allowed herself to relish in the possibilities.

“Do you know what the best feeling in the world is for parents?” her father asked as they all pulled away.

“What?” Ellie sniffed and wiped her eyes.

Ellie’s mother also wiped away tears as she answered for the both of them. “The moment they realize their child has both the knowledge and the power needed to live a fulfilling life. And so, if this is the choice that you want to make—to love him and be part of his world—then by all means do it! That world will be lucky to have you. And so will he.”

Ellie smiled as a quiet determination filled her.
Yes he will.

Cal wasn’t sure how long he had walked through the gardens alone looking up at the sky in silence, with his thoughts and feelings at war just below the surface. But at some point later, he heard the sound of a twig snap and he knew he was no longer alone. He didn’t have to look to know that it was Ellie. He wasn’t surprised that she’d come to look for him, he was only surprised that it had taken her this long.

“I didn’t put her up to that you know. That’s just… Mary for you…”

“I know that wasn’t your fault.”

“Well…” He saw Ellie bite her lip. “Should we talk about it all now? About your work and you and… Hart…”

“No,” Cal shook his head, a vice clenching his chest. “I don’t want to talk about anything. I don’t know why I even agreed to this. Because I already know the truth… I’m not good enough to run the company. I’m not good enough to help anyone. I should have realized it when you told me I was a good man, all while I was lying to you about who I was.” He jabbed his thumbs into his chest. “I should have known
right then
that I was just lying to myself as well and realized I should give it all up. I should have done the right thing by you and because of you. And then thanked you for helping me to realize the truth…”

“If you do that then you’ll be taking the coward’s way out, Cal.”

“What?” He could scarcely believe what he was hearing. “Did you just call me a coward?”

“I did. And I mean it. You’ll be taking the coward’s way out. Doing what’s easy instead of what’s right.”

“
You think this is easy?
”

“Yes. Giving up and not fighting is always easier and I won’t let you do it. Because you’re not a coward.”

“If giving up a fruitless pursuit makes me a coward then I guess that’s what I am.” He pointed a finger at her and clenched his teeth as he added, “But I’ll do whatever the hell I want.”

“Not in my name, you bloody won’t!”

“Then I’ll do it in my name. Because my name is shit already. I mean, you know that. You had no problem telling me over and
over again.
Hissing out my title like it was venom in your mouth. I’m nothing but a wicked duke. Isn’t that what you said? I should have just listened to you...”

“I—” Ellie slumped her shoulders and cradled her face in her hands for just a moment. “I’m sorry. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for that mistake. And for second guessing you once I found out the truth about who you are, because I know now just how wrong I was. I knew even then but I was too caught up in my own mistakes and embarrassments to admit it and—and I want you to know that—that—” She took a deep breath through a tremor. “—that this is about more than just the workers now. This is about you too. I was—I was wrong. And I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.
So sorry
for not giving you the chance. And I can only hope that one day you’ll forgive me. For all of it—”

“What’s to forgive when you were telling the truth?”

She turned her head away and he saw the rise and fall of her throat in the moonlight. When she looked back to him he could tell that she was holding back tears. It made his insides twist and ache.

“I wasn’t. I was wrong. So I hope you’ll reconsider someday and that you’ll forgive me… Just as I’ll forgive you for lying to me.” She swallowed back more tears with a small pained sound in her throat. “But—but what I won’t forgive is if you forget everything else I ever told you about the person you are… because I meant every word of it and I believe with all of my heart that it was true. And still is true…”

“You’re wrong.” Cal couldn’t even bear to look at her. “I’m no better than my father. I never have been. I’ve lived up to his name and his title.”

“I’m not wrong,” she said trying to take his hand, but he pulled away and so she hugged herself. “Not about this, anyway. Regardless of what your name is—no, in spite of what your name is—you are a good man. You’re not like your father. Not anything like him. Far from it. You took that name and that title and gave them dignity again. And you’ll be making the wrong decision if you give this all up.”

“I’m not a good man and I’m not making the wrong decision now! I made the wrong decision before, but not now.”

“And what wrong decision was that? Exactly?”

“Believing that I could ever do anything meaningful. That I could ever touch something without causing it harm.”

“No. That’s not—”

For a second time she tried to comfort him with her touch and for a second time he pushed her away, shaking his head rapidly, his insides stinging from her hope and her determination.

“What happened to the Cal I met in the market place? The Cal who wasn’t afraid to take a chance and kiss a woman he’d just met and take her off on an adventure? What—what happened to the Cal I bonded with over dreams of change, hope, and making a difference in the world? Where did he go?” The sound of her voice was mournful, as if someone she loved had passed on from this world.

He has passed on,
Cal thought. “He’s gone.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Well, you should. Because it’s true. That man is gone and I’m—” Bloody hell, he was about to cry. He swallowed several times to hold back the sobs. “I’m not sure he ever existed… I
know
he never existed. There’s no way a man like that could have.”

“I believe he’s still in there and that you just need help finding him.” Ellie smiled and stepped in closer. “Maybe you don’t like yourself right now and I can understand that because sometimes life just happens. And we end up in places we never thought we’d be and we do things and say things we aren’t proud of that make our insides hurt when we remember them the next day. But those things do not equal the total of our character.”

Cal scoffed. “This has nothing to do with liking myself.”

“Of course it does. It’s like what my mother said earlier about life not being worth living if you’re not true to yourself. “

“The same goes for pretending to be something you’re not. If I lie to myself about who I am, pretend to be better than I am, then I’m not being true either.”

“You don’t ever have to worry about that again. All you have to do is trust me.”

And that was when Cal knew that she was telling the truth, or at least that she truly believed she was, and that she wasn’t just saying all of this because she’d made a promise to his uncle.

He could tell now just from the sound of her voice that she’d already forgiven him even if she hadn’t fully admitted it to herself yet. He could also tell that she meant it when she said this was about him now, and not just the workers. Secretly, desperately, in the back of his mind and deep inside his injured heart he’d hoped for a moment like this, but now that it was actually here he didn’t know what to do with it. Even the thought of believing that she was right sent a sharp pain through his entire body.

“I need to know something,” he asked. “I need to know why you changed your mind. What made you change your mind about me?”

She tilted her head to the side. “It was something my parents said.”

“And what was that?”

“That we aren’t defined by our mistakes.”

“Then what are we defined by?”

“The way we fix those mistakes. Because making mistakes is easy.” She laughed wearily at that part before finishing the thought. “Owning up to them, fixing them though, that’s what takes courage and shows character.”

“I’m not fixing anything.”

“But you will,” she said with such confidence that it made his heart melt. “You’ll sure as hell try anyway. And that’s what makes the difference.”

His knees went weak as he wiped at his face. This time when Ellie reached for him he didn’t protest. He let her help him to a sitting position on the ground as tingles spread through his body every place that she touched. Then she gathered her skirts and sat down next to him, looking him over for a good long time.

“Mostly it was you, though. I changed my mind because of you.”

“Me?” Cal laughed.

“I can’t help but look at you and know the truth. I can’t help but be around you and feel it. No one can. Not my family, not your Uncle. And from what you tell me, neither could Hart.”

“What if—” Cal’s voice caught at memories of his long gone best friend. “What if
I
can’t see it? Or feel it?”

“Sometimes you won’t. That happens. It’s so easy to be clouded by your own judgment, to jumble everything up inside until you can’t see who you are anymore. And in those times you have to look to others… to your friends, partners, and family, anyone less jaded, in order to find your real self. These people, the ones who love you, can always see you even when you can’t.” She scooted closer to him and squeezed his hand. The word love had not been lost on him. “So if you can’t find the strength or faith in yourself, then find it in me.”

“I can’t ask you—”

“You’re not asking me anything. I’m offering and giving freely. There’s a difference. And if you get nothing else out of this moment, or this trip or whatever else that happens these next few days, remember this. Know this: I can see you. I’ve always been able to see you, just as Hart always saw you. And you’ve never been anything but a good man.”

That was the thing about perspectives,
Cal remembered.
Everyone had a different one.

And sometimes, his was wrong.

A sly smile crossed Ellie’s face. “You know, I meant it when I said I believed in you and that if there was anyone who could change Lord McAlister it was you. I just didn’t know I meant it literally.”

He covered her hand with his and returned the rejuvenating squeeze as they sat in silence and solitude underneath the peaceful sky.

“Can I have the night?” he asked her eventually. He had more to think about than whether or not she was right. Was he right for her? Were they right for each other?

“You can have as long as you need, as long as you promise me one thing.”

“And what’s that?”

“That whatever you decide you’ll do it because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s the easy thing. Whatever it might be.”

“I promise,” he said.

And with that she gave him a kiss on the forehead, her lips warm and soft and the best thing he’d ever felt in his life, before she left him to his own devices. He stayed in the garden well into the morning hours, long after the sun ushered in the day, long after the birds began to chirp and sing, and long after everything was covered with a glistening dew. Then, and only then, when his eyes were heavy and his heart was not, did he make his way to his room and fall asleep.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept peacefully without the aid of alcohol, but this time he drifted off with a blink, and when he opened his eyes again the sun was already long gone. He sat for a moment deep in thought before washing and dressing and setting off to look for his hosts. It wasn’t a difficult task. All he had to do was follow the sound of laughter. When he found them all in the same room where they’d played cards the day before, he stood outside for a moment, just out of sight and watched.