Love and Respect (33 page)

It is easier for me to respect my husband out of obedience to God than necessarily because he is behaving respectfully. Thank you for helping me see how fragile a male ego can be. I never realized how much his own self-worth as a husband and a man hinges on a wife’s respect. I have been keeping your words in mind if and when an argument would brew. Several times, by making a concerted effort to speak respectfully, rather than just going with my emotions, I have been able to ward off hurt feelings and harsh words between us.

Another wife who had suffered physical and verbal abuse from her husband (which I absolutely condemn as wicked and urge a wife to seek protection and help for) and had gone back to him after he repented, realized she had not completely forgiven him and certainly wasn’t showing him respect. After coming across our materials, she began showing him respect, mostly by remaining quiet and dignified instead of arguing. Their relationship improved considerably, and she says:

My heart’s desire is to win my husband to the Lord through my respectful behavior. I must admit I have to “mull over” some of your teaching, but it IS biblically based, and the Holy Spirit keeps revealing my rebellion, contempt, disobedience,
etc.
I keep asking the Lord for strength to implement your suggestions, and He is so faithful!

“LORD, WHEN DID I FEED YOU? ”

The Rewarded Cycle will deepen your love and reverence for Christ as you render love and respect to your spouse as unto Him. In the parable of the last judgment (see Matthew 25:31–46), the righteous ask, “Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?” (v. 37–39). And the king answers the righteous and says, “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me” (v. 40).

There is a basic principle we can take from this parable: whatever I do for my spouse, I do it to Christ as well. A husband’s unconditional love for his wife reveals his love for Christ. The husband who loves God should love his wife also. If you are not loving your wife, then you must ask yourself, “Am I really loving Jesus Christ?”

A wife’s unconditional respect for her husband reveals her reverence for Christ (see Ephesians 5:21–22; 6:6–7). The wife who respects God should respect her husband. If you are not respecting your husband, then you must ask yourself, “Am I really loving Jesus Christ?” For husband or wife, the conclusion is the same:

“ ‘In the resurrection, when they rise again, which one’s wife will she be? For all seven had married her.’ Jesus said to them, ‘Is this not the reason you are mistaken, that you do not understand the Scriptures, or the power of God? For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven’ ”

(Mark 12:23-25).

IN THE ULTIMATE SENSE, YOUR MARRIAGE HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOUR SPOUSE.
IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP
TO JESUS CHRIST.

Yes, you will fail to perfectly love or respect, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t love Christ. In fact, your love for Christ is what gets you started again. You repent and confess, realizing you are not expecting your spouse to meet all your needs. But ultimately, whatever you do toward your spouse by way of love or respect is not done to motivate your spouse to get off the Crazy Cycle, nor is it to motivate your spouse to meet your needs. Ultimately, you practice love or respect because beyond your spouse you see Jesus Christ and you envision a moment when you will be standing before Him at the final judgment, realizing that your marriage was really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for your Lord.

Every time you do reach out with love or respect, heaven is watching. Those billion angels yank that big lever and,
Cha-ching! Cha-ching!

I was talking to a friend of mine who is vice president of a large TV network. When he heard this teaching about the Rewarded Cycle, he said, “Whoa, it’s not about my spouse, is it? It’s about me and Jesus Christ. I have never heard this.” My friend is a believer, but he never had clearly understood it’s not about him and his spouse. It’s about him and his Lord.

“Watch out that you don’t lose what you have worked for. Make sure that you get your complete reward”

(2 John 1:8 NIRV).

But there is even more to the Rewarded Cycle. There is this whole area called “maturity”—having true inner freedom in Christ and the overflow that comes out of that as you are an example to your children and others around you, especially your spouse. We will look at these rewards in the next—and final—chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
THE TRUTH CAN MAKE
YOU FREE, INDEED

S
o far, so good on the Rewarded Cycle. You agree that the rewards of heaven will be overwhelming. That heavenly first moment, “Ahhh!” is beyond description. To realize that the “Ahhh!” will last forever is beyond the beyond. And you understand that your marriage is not primarily about you and your spouse but that it’s about you and Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.
Primarily
, you don’t practice love and respect to meet your needs in your marriage, as important as these are. Your first goal is to obey and please Christ. When you try to do this, often (but not always) your needs are met, and these are wonderful by-products and blessings. But your first goal is to obey and please the Lord.

HEAVEN WILL WAIT—WHAT ABOUT NOW?

There is still more to the Rewarded Cycle. There are rewards to help you cope right here, right now. Heaven will wait. God’s timing is in control of that, but you can always use a little more help with understanding and living with your less-than-perfect spouse. I could fill a book with letters from couples who are trying the Love and Respect Connection but it isn’t working out too smoothly. There are many couples who get the idea about stopping the Crazy Cycle, but they remain in a sort of limbo, not quite getting on the Energizing Cycle. And some couples seem barely able to keep the Crazy Cycle from cranking up to full speed again.

One couple heard our Love and Respect Connection tapes, and the husband wrote to admit that he knew he wasn’t loving his wife as God wanted him to, and his wife had problems as well. He continued:

You put your finger, or God’s finger, right on it. I began to write down each time my wife said something that cut to the core of my being. I did not tell her that I was writing down these incidents, and I don’t intend to use them against her. I was amazed at how I felt my honor being attacked on a daily basis. I don’t want to judge my wife, but respect is certainly the issue . . . the male “withdraw and be quiet” response is very real. . . . Please be praying for me as I try to love my wife unconditionally, regardless of her words or actions.

Sometimes the Love and Respect Connection can seem to backfire as it did for this wife, whose husband monitored her “respect meter,” so to speak, to see how well she was doing:

Now whenever he senses anything that smacks of disrespect, even when it isn’t, it reminds him of our past and he gets infuriated. I haven’t seen such rage in awhile. . . . Actually, I regret letting him know about what I had learned from you because he uses it against me each time. . . . I can take on the criticism—I feel I deserve it—but his rage is withering and makes me want to get away and hide.

I understand this woman’s feelings. I grew up in the kind of environment she describes. My father would become enraged at my mother. To offset his strong feelings of personal guilt, he would take offense at things my mother innocently did and then explode. But she never saw herself as a victim. Not once in all my years growing up did I hear Mom badmouth Dad. When I griped about him, she would reply, “Your dad lost his dad when he was three months old, so he doesn’t know how to be a daddy.”

“When you do what is right and suffer for it . . .this finds favor with God” (1 Peter 2:20).

My mother could have moved in for the kill, defaming my father in order to bolster herself and win my heart. She chose not to do that. Years later I realized why. Mom’s parents had suffered terribly. Several of her siblings had died, and her own father was wheelchair-bound all his life. It would have been easy for my mother to have the victim mind-set, but she realized that never got you anywhere. My mother made a choice to be positive. She knew if she could discover creative alternatives to the conflict, she would never believe for a moment she was helpless and hopeless, and she never was. Eventually, Mom was instrumental in bringing Dad to Christ.

“SOMETIMES THE ISSUE IS ME!”

My heart breaks for husbands and wives who continue to struggle with a spouse’s rage or withering criticism. While I can sympathize, I know that my sympathy isn’t what they really need. What they need to know is that the Rewarded Cycle is the way to finding inner freedom and maturity of spirit. What I am about to say may sound hard and even judgmental, but hear me out. I am trying to help you, not simply hold your hand. The answer lies in the word
unconditional.
The key to being on the Rewarded Cycle is
unconditional love and respect
(see page 265).

First, you must get to the place where you can say, “My response to my spouse is my responsibility.” In my own marriage, Sarah doesn’t cause me to be the way I am; she reveals the way I am. When my reactions to her are unloving, it reveals that I’ve still got issues. There is still lack of love in my character and soul, and I have to own up to this. Maybe it is 70 percent her fault and only 30 percent my fault (and, then again, maybe it isn’t), but the point is, what about my 30 percent?

Don’t play the percentages game with your spouse. It’s an easy way to get yourself off the hook. And once off the hook, you can’t mature spiritually. In fact, a typical result is that you feel like a victim. You get the victim mind-set. You want to be rescued. You want paradise on earth. You begin to resent your spouse and other people because they haven’t healed your hurts or comforted you. Get rid of the victim mind-set! Realize that the only real healing and comfort you’re going to get is by looking to the Lord and trusting Him with your situation, painful as it is. To do otherwise is to sin. This is hard to accept because you are the one being sinned against, at least most of the time, in your opinion. Nonetheless, you must grasp this principle:

“For from within, out of the heart . . . proceed . . .

envy, slander, pride and foolishness” (Mark 7:21–23).

NO MATTER HOW DEPRESSING OR IRRITATING MY SPOUSE MIGHT BE, MY RESPONSE IS MY RESPONSIBILITY.

Here is a letter from a husband who is making progress as he rides the Rewarded Cycle:

I also understand that I am often reading her reactions and actions incorrectly. I am not getting offended when she doesn’t respond like I think she should. I am better at translating her feedback. We are arguing much less. We were miserable prior to the conference. As I love her more, my wife is acting more friendly to me. But she still has not acknowledged her part in the Crazy Cycle we always used to end up in. My prayer is that she will in time. She still seems to get stuck on how she is feeling. I’m trying to help her understand my heart. But this mind-set that the man is mostly to blame for conflict is going to be difficult to overcome.

WHAT’S INSIDE WILL COME OUT

Think of a speck of sand. If the sand gets in the human eye, it causes irritation, then infection, and if not cared for, eventually loss of vision. But put that same speck of sand in an oyster. It causes irritation, then secretion, and eventually the oyster forms a pearl. Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the eye? Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the oyster? No. If it were, the results would be the same. The sand was an agent that revealed the inner properties of the eye and of the oyster. In a real sense, when life with your spouse causes irritation, you can let it develop into an infection or you can allow it to become a pearl.

Another example is the sun shining down on butter and clay. It melts the butter but hardens the clay. Heat from the sun reveals the inner properties of the butter as it reveals the inner properties of the clay.

Your spouse is an irritant (or worse) at times. That’s a given. We don’t have to dwell on that point. Your spouse puts pressure on you, has expectations of you. Your spouse puts heat on you. In these pressure situations, you always face a choice: to react in a godly way or in a sinful way. It is easy enough to just blame your spouse—after all, your spouse is to blame for whatever is happening to you, right? But if you go the blame route, you wind up only a victim and you miss out on God’s rewards.

When the pressure is on and when the heat is turned up, you must remember to tell yourself, “As a mature person with inner freedom to make my own choices, I know that my response is truly my responsibility.” Living this is not easy. One husband shared that there are many times when he feels like a doormat. Nonetheless, he says, “It is encouraging to know that Jesus is ‘affixed’ on my response to my wife and stands ready to reward me for a godly response. In other words, I am responsible for my response. Knowing this makes it much easier to love her regardless.”

Obviously, what I have been talking about takes great spiritual maturity. You may say, “I’m just not that far along. I’m just not that strong.” But Jesus is, and He can help. In John 8, Jesus is in a heated discussion with scribes and Pharisees trying to help them understand who He is and why they should follow Him. Some in the crowd appear to believe Him (see v. 30). Then Jesus says, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (vv. 31–32). Now there is a note of protest. The Jews don’t get it. After all, they are Abraham’s offspring and have never been anyone’s slave. What does Jesus mean by becoming free? Jesus answers, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. . . . if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:34, 36).