Love at Second Sight (23 page)

‘What you said just now about this life. I really hope you meet someone special who feels the same way about you,’I said.

‘I thought I had,’ he replied.

I took his hand and squeezed it. ‘I do love you. I always will, Owen, but just. . .’

‘Not in that way,’ he finished for me and sighed.

I nodded. ‘But. . . friends forever, please.’

He squeezed my hand back. ‘Friends forever.’

‘And sometimes friends can last longer than lovers,’ I added.

He nodded and smiled, but I could see the sadness in his eyes.
Love is really tough,
I thought.

At the bottom of the hill, Owen gave me a big hug and I hugged him back. A friendly hug. ‘I
do
love you, Owen,’ I said. ‘I really meant that and we
will
be
friends forever. I’ll probably even feel a little jealous when you meet the true love of your life but until then, I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you.’

‘Ditto,’ he said and gently tried to push me away. ‘Now move away. She may be watching and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.’

I hugged him even harder. ‘She’s going to have to get used to the idea. Love Owen, love his mates.’

‘No it doesn’t,’ I said. ‘It leaves a whole world of boys I’ve never even met yet. Ben doesn’t even
like
me and I’m not sure I like him very much
either any more. So I’m back to being a singleton. And actually . . . it feels good. I’d rather be on my own than in a relationship that isn’t working like with Finn or with Owen
and feeling guilty.’

‘I guess,’ said Effy ‘And I’m sure the real Howard will come along one day. In the meantime, there’s nothing stopping you from dating other boys.’

‘Exactly’ I said.

The second week of the holidays, Effy and Tash had loads of plans – a visit to the Royal Academy in Piccadilly, a trip to Covent Garden, boating down at Richmond, but of
course they’d be with Dave and Mark and I wasn’t in the mood for being Miss Tag Along. On the Tuesday, Effy called to beg me to go to Greenwich with them but I told her I had jobs to do
for Mum. I wasn’t lying. Mum had a whole list of chores for me and I was glad to do them. Our relationship was so much better since the day I’d told her about Henrietta and we’d
finally talked about Dad. Instead of feeling angry with her, I could see how hard she worked and wanted to help out.

It was a lovely warm day, too good to stay inside, so I walked up to Highgate to get some groceries from the shopping list that Mum had left me. First though, I decided to take a stroll in the
park down the lane by the cemetery. As I made my way there, I couldn’t help but feel that everything had turned out to be one great anticlimax. For weeks, it had felt like so much was
unfolding in the Henrietta story but suddenly it had gone quiet and here I was, another holiday, my mates still both in their couple bubbles and me, once again, all by myself.

I sat on a bench and got out a bag of nuts that I’d brought to feed the squirrels when Max appeared at my feet and jumped up to give me a hello lick.

‘Hi, Howard,’ I said as I looked to my left to see if Ben was around.

‘Howard? His name is Max,’ said a voice behind me to my right.

I turned and there was Ben. He was dressed in his usual black T-shirt and jeans and wearing Ray-Ban aviators.

‘Private joke between me and Max,’ I said.

‘So . . . how are you?’ he asked.

‘Good.’

‘You look different.’

‘Different good or different bad?’

‘Good, definitely good. Not that you didn’t look OK before but. . .’

‘But what?’

‘It was like you were living in another time, not this one.’

‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘That’s why I changed my look. Moving on.’ I went back to feeding the squirrels, trying to look casual, hoping he might stay and chat.

My cool tactic didn’t work because when I turned around to continue the conversation, I saw Ben disappearing round a corner in the distance.
Grrr,
I thought.
It wouldn’t
hurt him to have a polite conversation.

When I’d finished feeding the squirrels, I got up to go. Despite my annoyance, I found myself looking to see if Ben was still in the park but there was no sign of either of him or Max. The
more I thought about Ben, the more I realised that I’d missed a chance to get to know him better and I was surprised to find out how much I felt like I’d lost out. He made me laugh. He
was creative. An animal lover. From the few conversations we’d had, I liked the way he thought. We could have had something.
He was interested in me at one point,
I told myself as I
headed back up towards the village,
he definitely was. He wouldn’t have sent me that card for my birthday and come to meet me in Highgate if he wasn’t. And there was definitely a
connection between us.
I could still remember how it felt when we’d looked into each other’s eyes, but at the time I couldn’t take the intensity of it and had looked away. I
wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t broken my gaze? Whatever. I’d clearly blown it with him. I’d been obsessing so much about Finn at the time, I wouldn’t even
have recognised Howard if he’d turned up on my front doorstep complete in Victorian dress and fallen at my feet.

His loss,
I told myself.
Boys. Who needs them?

One night I was at home and I got out my photos of Henrietta and Howard. I gazed into Howard’s eyes. Who are you? Where are you now?’

I put the photos back in my drawer then went to watch TV downstairs where I dozed off. I was back in the room where I’d first seen Henrietta. Howard was there. Too late. She didn’t
have long. ‘I will find you,’ he said. ‘I will find you.’ I gazed up into his eyes. I knew those eyes and suddenly, it wasn’t Howard I was look ing up at, it was Ben!
Somehow his eyes were the same ... I woke with a start. It was just a dream. A dream.
Ben Fraser, get out of my head,
I told myself.
I am not going to think of you any more, not even for
a second.

‘Why don’t you like me?’ I asked him when I’d caught up with him. Then I cringed. What was I thinking? Why don’t you like me is number one question
not
to
ask a boy you like. It comes across as desperate.

‘Not like you? What makes you think that?’ ‘Duh. You’re always scowling at me. You walk in the other direction whenever you see me, both clues I’d say’
Shut up, shut up now,
my mind told me.

‘Ever looked in the mirror? You scowl back.’

‘Do not.’

‘Do.’

I reached up to take his shades off.

Ben caught my wrist. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I need to see your eyes,’ I said.

‘My eyes? Why?’ Ben look startled and took a step back. I realised that I probably appeared to be acting like a madwoman.

‘Er ... studying iridology. It’s my new hobby. Please. Just a moment, let me look.’

Ben shrugged and took his Ray-Bans off.

He was taller than me so I stood on tiptoe so that I could look directly at him. I stared into his eyes and tried to see beyond his face, deep into his eyes to the spirit within. He didn’t
flinch but looked straight at me as well. As had happened back in the café weeks earlier, I felt a connection, like a magnet pulling us together. I know he felt it too. This time, I
didn’t break my gaze. I continued looking and the connection grew deeper to the point it felt like time had stood still and we were alone in the world. And suddenly there he was. Howard. A
different face, different eyes but the spirit was the same. I couldn’t help it. It was like seeing your dearest, best friend after not seeing them for ages. I felt ridiculously happy and
grinned. It must have been infectious because Ben did too.

‘What?’ he asked. ‘What’s funny?’

‘Nothing. Not funny. Just I feel happy because . . . I haven’t seen you ... er ... for a while.’ And then I couldn’t help but laugh.

Ben shook his head in bewilderment. ‘Harris, are you on drugs?’

‘No. Don’t think so. Um ... so . . . Ben, do you, er . . . want to hang out sometime over the summer?’

Ben looked increasingly taken aback. ‘Hang out sometime? Why now?’

‘I. . . long story’

‘Because Finn’s no longer available?’

‘Oh that’s over now.’

Ben nodded. ‘Yeah, he told me that he’d finished it.’

‘
He’d
finished it? What a cheek.’

‘Didn’t he?’

‘It was mutual’

‘Right,’ said Ben like he didn’t believe me for a second. I guess not many girls broke up with Finn O’Brady, or maybe he never admitted it.

‘So how about we meet up? I’d . . . I’d like to get to know you better,’I persisted.

By now, Ben appeared totally confused. He looked up and down the street then back at me. ‘Just because you’re over Finn now, doesn’t mean you can just come and snap your
fingers and I’ll fall in line, Jo. Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe there was a time when . . . never mind. Look, have a good summer, yeah?’

With that, he walked off with Max trotting after him. The joy of recognition I’d felt only moments earlier turned to panic at the thought that he might not feel the same as me after all.
I’d taken that part for granted and never for a second imagined that we’d find each other and he’d say, so what? It couldn’t be that I was going to get so close for him to
walk away.

‘
OI YOU!
’ I called after him. He turned back. ‘Yeah, you. Ben Fraser. I’m talking to you.’ Inwardly I cringed again. What was I saying? I was breaking every
code on how to be cool and behaving like a total stalker but I couldn’t help myself. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that a glimmer of a smile crossed Ben’s face. ‘I
don’t expect to snap my fingers and you’ll come running but. . . you
can’t
reject me without a second thought.’

‘I can,’ he said but he laughed as he said it and took a few steps back towards me. ‘You’re very sure of yourself all of a sudden.’

‘Not just myself. Of us. Sure of
us
.’

‘
Us?
What us? There is no us.’

‘Yes there is.’

‘Since when?’

‘Ah now that’s a long story. Maybe I’ll tell you one day. OK. Listen. I’m a bit slow sometimes and, when it comes to boys, I’ve got a lot to learn but I get this
really
strong feeling we’re meant to be together.’

‘Since when?’ Ben repeated.

‘Since lately’

‘And what if I don’t share your impulse?’

‘It’s not an impulse, honestly. And I know you were interested. That time in the café you felt something and just now too. You must have felt it.’

Ben’s expression darkened.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I know we didn’t get off to a good start. I know that when I asked you about the boy I’d just met, you thought I was talking about you,
didn’t you?’

Ben looked away. ‘But it was Finn, wasn’t it? Always Finn.’

‘My mistake. I know now, it’s you, Ben, you. I . . . I’ve been looking for you for a
long
time, it just took me some time to recognise you.’

Ben whistled. ‘Wow. Some chat-up line you got going for you there, Harris.’

I reached out and took his hand. ‘Not a chat-up line. I mean it. Fate’s given us a second chance. It really has. You have to believe it.’

‘Jo, you’re doing my head in,’ he said softly then he shook his head, turned and began to walk away again.

As I watched him go, I felt wracked with pain and a cry came from somewhere deep inside. ‘
No, please.
Come back to me,
please.’
A couple of teenagers on the other side
of the road glanced over, nudged each other, then walked on whispering. I knew how I looked – like a desperate saddo trying to hang on to a boy who didn’t want to know. I didn’t
care. ‘
Ben!
’ I called. I didn’t care what anyone thought.

Ben walked a few more steps then he did turn and come back.

Before he could say anything, I moved towards him and kissed him gently. He didn’t exactly respond but he didn’t resist either. We pulled back and looked into each other’s
eyes. He seemed to be searching mine as if looking for an explanation but it wasn’t the time for words. As we stood there, there was no denying the amazing feeling, like we were merging into
each other, becoming one. I moved in again and kissed him more deeply and once again he responded. I wanted it to go on forever but after a while, we pulled back and looked at each other.

Ben looked so vulnerable, all trace of the cool guy gone. ‘No games, Jo. I don’t play games.’

I pulled him tighter to me and caught his scent. It was divine, a light citrus but something deeper too that made me melt. I wanted to lose myself in it. ‘No games. Seriously, Ben. I
didn’t know it until recently but I’ve been looking for you for a long, long time, longer than I can explain at the moment.’

‘And I’ve been waiting for you,’ Ben whispered, as if afraid to say the words too loud.

‘For me? Waiting?’

Ben nodded. ‘I knew the first time I saw you that you were The One but then it was as if I became invisible to you.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’ve felt a connection to you
ever since that day I saw you hiding behind the changing rooms on the playing field. I felt right with you, like I belonged with you.’