Love Forever After (Candle Light Series) (9 page)

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Sandra yelled. I pressed my hand on my belly rubbing at the spot. I looked at her stunned; I’d never known her to be a violent person.

  “They have hospital rules against attacking patients.” I said which only provoked another punch. “Sandra how about we talk about it?” I held my other hand over the fresh spot.

“Why did you try to kill yourself?” She yelled tears dancing in her eyes, “you and Morris are all I have left and you want to off yourself!”

“I wasn’t trying to take my own life,” I defended myself.

“Of course not, you were just trying to learn the anatomy of your arm. What better way than, cutting it open, as if you were gutting a fish!” She yelled sarcastically.

I looked at Morris for help but he looked determined to stay out of it. I turned back to Sandra’s fuming face and tried to find a delicate way to put the next few crazy words. “I did that... to bring Kristy back.” I did sound crazy. If mother heard me she would definitely get me locked up.

“What?” Morris blurted out. Sandra just stared at me shocked. If they didn’t think I was crazy before, they did now.

“We were discussing the baby thing. When I said no, she said she didn’t have any other reason to stay around, so she left, for good this time.” I felt a pain in my chest as I said the words out.  If she didn’t come back when I lay bleeding in our kitchen, she was never coming back, no matter what I did.

“What?” Sandra echoed.

“You told me to ask her so I did.” I felt like I was shrinking under their perplexed this-man-has-lost-his-mind stare.

“I’m going to pretend I understood what you said and ask you the part that I do understand.” She shook her head and laughed nervously, “I can’t believe I’m asking this but what did she say?”

“She said that she wants me to have the baby.” 

Morris moved closer to my bed. “So are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“We’ll talk about that when you are discharged. Right now I need to convince the doctors not to admit you to a psych ward. In the mean time Morris, watch him and make sure he doesn’t try any transplant surgery on himself.” Sandra spoke as she walked out of my room.

Morris sat on my bed and looked at me for a while before he broke out in a loud laughter.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m just imaging what your mother would be saying right now.”

She wouldn’t think twice about committing me. “You didn’t tell her did you?” 

“No, but we told Ron. I should call him and tell him how you are. He’s in Peru.” Morris walked out of my room his phone to his ear.

I looked at my heavily bandaged arm wondering how out of it I was. But I was very willing to die if it meant seeing her again. The thought of living without her hurt me so much but she was right, she couldn’t stay with me, that’s not how death worked.

She was dead and never coming back.

Chapter Eight

After a week in hospital I was released, of course with a parole officer namely Sandra. She watched every move I made, cooked the food I ate and tasted all the liquids I took to make sure I wasn’t trying to poison myself. If I stayed in the shower more than ten minutes she would knock on the door until I opened it, done or not. Once I tried to ignore her and she got someone to break down the door. I tried to explain I wasn’t trying to kill myself and she would nod and agree like she was trying to appease a five year old child. I never before thought of suicide but I found myself seriously considering it with her around for the last two weeks.

I loved her and I understood her fears but she was going over board with all of this. She was exhausting the little sanity I had left. Morris came to my rescue and took her away for the day, but that didn’t stop her from calling me every half an hour. I made it a point to answer each and every call. When she knew that I was okay and still kicking, it would keep her from coming back too soon.

I sat in my living room and turned on the flat screen. I had a six pack of beer at my feet, a bag of chips on my right, a bowl of pop corns on my left and a tray with six burgers on the table. I was going to enjoy my freedom while the warden was away.  I looked at my left arm. It wasn’t as heavily bandaged as before. There was light gauze covering the stitches. I had really done a number on my arm, the doctors said it was a miracle I didn’t sustain any nerve damage. He wasn’t happy though when my family wouldn’t put me on suicide watch but after he met Sandra he believed I couldn’t be in safer hands.

Sandra was responsible, protective, a shoulder to cry on and someone I would want in my corner at all times. I felt guilty putting them all through what I did. It was wrong and very selfish of me, all because I wanted to see Kristy and she didn’t even turn up.

I swallowed the bile in my mouth and washed it down with beer. The thoughts of Kristy hurt, especially when I was in a room alone. Morris was right the memory of Kristy in our home was beginning to torture me. I could feel her memories around me, taunting me with what I could never again have. The art pieces on the walls she bought, the multi light colour dishes that she picked specifically to lighten the dark brown kitchen. The cream sofas and white cushions that were to match the gold painted walls of the living room. The sculptures all over the house that were supposed to represent peaceful aura of love and nature- I just called them voodoo stone dolls. The cool blue walls in the bathroom that were supposed to give the semblance of a water fall she had seen on the trip she took with Ron. Our bedroom- the one room she had insisted on decorating herself- it had both of us in there; sophistication for me and simple beauty for her. I don’t know how she got the two to blend but they did, just like we did.

But I have accepted that she is dead and never coming back. I just had to deal with it and keep living my life. I turned my attention back to the game, determined to spend these few hours of freedom enjoying myself and not wallowing in my misery.

It was after dark when Sandra and Morris came back. I had mixed feelings about her not coming at all. I was glad that I wouldn’t have to explain my every move to them anymore and gain my independence again, but I was also scared that I would be alone at night. I wasn’t too sure I would be able to survive it without trying to look for Kristy around the house again. The last time she left me alone I ended up slicing my arm open.

Sandra walked to the kitchen and put the shopping bags on the counter. “Hi bro, miss me?”

Morris walked past me and collapsed on the sofa, taking over my solo party. I went to the kitchen relieved to see her. I was definitely not ready to be left completely alone.

I sat on a stool at the counter, “Oddly enough, yes I missed you.”

She smiled her hands busy unpacking, “So much so you want to help me put all this away?”

“No. Not that much.” I laughed and walked back to the living room and joined Morris. He had switched the channel from European football to a basketball game. Since I didn’t like basketball that much I went back to the kitchen, “Maybe I will help you.” I smiled at her when she gave me a raised eye brow.

She looked at me worriedly a few times. I got the feeling she was taking a survey. “I didn’t do anything to myself.” I said opening the fridge and putting the meat away.

“Huh? No I wasn’t... I trust you enough no to do something as stupid as that again,” she said. I looked at her; she still looked jittery like she was standing on pins.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I’m just not sure you should trust me enough not to do something stupid.” Her face was creased with worry and she was biting her lip looking very guilty.

“And what would that be?” I stood closer to her but she moved and stood at the centre of the living room and the kitchen, the guilty look stuck on her face.

“It’s not a stupid thing per say... just something you might hate me for.”

“I couldn’t hate you even if you set my ass on fire.”

Morris turned the TV off and turned to us, a mischievous smile on his face, “I have a feeling this confession is going to be juicy.”

“Morris you are not helping!” Sandra whined.

“Just spit it out,” I encouraged gently. Whatever it was she was really scared to tell me, “You didn’t call my mother, did you?”

“No. That’s unforgiveable compared to what I did.” She went quiet for a moment, “Actually I think what I did is worse than Gloria,” she whispered.

“Tell us already!” Morris yelled.

He startled Sandra enough to get her lips flapping. “I fertilized Kristy’s eggs,” she spat out. I stood there and looked at her, confused.

“What?” I said unconsciously. My mind was still jumbled up to construct a comprehensive sentence.

“Who gave you the swimmers?” Morris asked the question I should have asked.

“Will did.” she whispered.

“Excuse me?” Again, I was dumbfounded.

“At the hospital, when you were out,” she began to explain slowly, “I got my intern friend to get your sperm.”

“What?” I

“How did you do that?” Morris asked, “Can they do that, without you...you know...”

“Morris stay on point here!” Sandra yelled at him before she turned to me, “Will, say something?” the fear back in her voice.

I didn’t know what to say. This was getting more confusing and shocking with every word she said, “Can they do that, I mean without my consent because I would hate to have Gloria proven right.”

“No. It was completely off the books and yes very illegal. I’m so sorry just please don’t complain to the hospital because he’ll get fired.”

“Did you sleep with him for this because that’s the only way I could have done it?” Morris was focused on the wrong part of the conversation, again.

“Morris, really? Out of all I said that’s all you are focusing on?”

“Sandra, I told you I didn’t want a baby!” I tried to control my temper.

“That was before you ended up in hospital, then after you said I don’t know, which could be understood as a maybe... but I had already done it.”

“Is she pregnant?” Morris asked sober, finally on the topic.

She nodded close to tears, “Yes, the surrogate called me a few minutes ago.”

I felt my anger mount. I kicked the refrigerator and it rocked. Morris moved to stand next to his startled sister. I didn’t want a child I never wanted a child without Kristy. Now I was going to be stuck with another reminder of her and how I could never have her again. “Why do you always have to stick your nose where it’s not wanted?” I yelled at her.

“You tried to off yourself so excuse me if I was trying to give you some incentive to live!” She yelled back, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

“
An incentive to live?
I’m stuck with a child I don’t want and a constant reminder of a person I will never have in this life time!”

I pushed the counter content on to the floor, frustrated.

Morris spoke stepped in front of his sister, “Hey, calm down. It’s a baby not the end of the world!”

“That’s easy for you to say, you don’t have one being forced on you!”

“If you don’t want it we’ll take care of it!” Morris yelled at me tempered.

“Good. Sandra made the problem now she has to fix it.” Those were the last angry words that were uttered before the room fell silent. The magnitude of what I had just said finally dawned on me as it did them. I wracked my fingers through my hair and pulled at it.

Sandra walked to the counter and picked up her handbag. Morris was already waiting for her at the door. I wanted to apologise but it would sound so lame after what I had just suggested, so I just stood there and watched my closest family leave me.

Sandra stopped at the open door and turned to me, “I didn’t think having a baby with my sister would be such a nightmare,” then she was gone, the sound of the door closing echoed in the studio. I was all alone, the one thing I was afraid of.

I sat on the sofa with my head in my hands repeating Sandra’s words in my head. They were the exact same word Kristy said before she left me, now Sandra and Morris had done the same.

I thought Sandra would come back out of worry that I would try to kill myself again but no one came. I sat in the same spot for over four and a half hours waiting for her to walk through the door, pissed at me but still concerned.

“She’s not coming back,” Kristy’s voice floated in behind me.

I jumped up and turned to face her. She was back. I wasn’t sure if I was to celebrate or get angry at her for leaving me, or kick her out and ask her to let me grieve in peace like a normal widower.

“You hurt her feeling that’s why she’s never coming back.” 

I dropped back on the couch. I wasn’t going to try and understand why she was back this time. I had fences to mend with people who were actually alive.

She appeared next me. “Are you still mad at me because I didn’t come back when you gutted yourself?”