Love Hurts (18 page)

Her mother and sister stared each other down, and she let go. Passion could break a family in two or it could be the glue that held it together. This family had passion in spades, and she wanted her piece of it.

“Will you two just relax?” Anna spoke in a strong, no-nonsense voice.

Mamma and Jilly stared at her, their expressions identical.

“Mamma, you didn’t mean to hurt us, but you did. There’s no getting around that fact. You were so busy with your art and your friends and the men, that you stopped noticing how much your daughters needed you. You feel that because you didn’t mean to hurt us, we shouldn’t be hurt. Life doesn’t work that way.”

Anna got to her feet and stood behind the sofa, placing her hands on Jilly’s shoulders. “Jilly has always loved you.” She pressed her hands down to keep her sister still when she felt her start to move in protest. “Jilly is a lot like you. You needed the adoration of your fans. Jilly needed it from her mother. She has always been your biggest fan and wanted nothing more than to be just like you. So, your neglect hurt.”

Anna took a deep breath. Her mother and Jilly were quiet, still surprised enough to want to hear more of what she had to say.

“Yes, time has passed and we’re adults now. Time to get over the past, you might want to say. The problem is, Mamma, children never get over such big hurts and carry them the rest of their lives. We need to heal before we can get past it. We either let it and you go, or we have resolution and move forward into a healthier relationship.”

Mamma leaned back into the love seat, her face showing regret, maybe? Anna’s speech had hit the mark. She didn’t desire to hurt Mamma, but the words needed to be said.

“I realize now that we need you still.” Mamma smiled a little at that. “The problem is we don’t need you the same way. We’ve learned to live without a mother. Jilly is a mother herself. What we need, or what I need, is to let go. To learn to accept myself, knowing that I never measured up to your standards, but that it’s okay. I’m happy with being me. I need to learn to accept emotion. I’ve kept myself bottled up for so long, afraid of the passion that took you away from me.”

Tears streamed down Anna’s face. She left them, no longer ashamed.

“I tried, Mamma. I tried to find the passion myself, but it just hurt me. I became afraid of it. I decided that control was better. I realize now that I missed out on so much.”

Anna moved back around the sofa and sat down, taking Jilly’s hand. She looked at her sister as she spoke. “Jilly gave her passion freedom everywhere but where it mattered most. So, in essence, she did the same thing I did. She allowed herself to be emotional, angry, but kept it bottled up in the one area she should have expressed it. But she’s learning to let it out. And finding her own healing.”

“Thanks for helping me to find my way.” Jilly whispered while wiping tears away.

“What are you afraid of, Mamma?”

“What do you mean?” Mamma’s voice came out whispery, reed thin.

“Jilly and I scare you. What is it about us that does that?” Anna didn’t know where the insight came from, but she knew she was on the right path. Mamma shrank back from Anna’s words.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to be afraid.” Mamma raised a shaky hand and brushed it back over her perfectly coiffed hair.

“What happened with your mother?” Jilly’s voice was quiet, shaky.

Mamma stood and headed for the doorway. She stopped with her hand on the frame, her back to them. The flight seemed more instinctive than deliberate. “I can’t talk about that.”

Anna had known from the time she was very small never to bring up her grandmother. To talk about Nonno, her grandfather, would make Mamma sad; she missed him so much. But talk about Nonna, and Mamma became unpredictable.

She glanced at her sister, but Jilly had her face turned away, her profile set like marble.

Anna stood slowly, unsure what to do, how to bring them back to the place they were a few minutes before. “Mamma, please, come back.”

Her mother turned slowly, her face soft, vulnerable, a face Anna hadn’t seen before. She looked younger somehow and yet her eyes were infinitely old.
What happened to her? What did Nonna do?

Mamma lifted her chin and walked back to the love seat. She stood for a moment, indecision on her face, and then sat on the edge. She still looked close to flight, but had obviously made the decision to push forward.

“I’m sorry, Jillian,” she said, her voice thready. “I shouldn’t have run away.” She took a deep breath which stuttered on its way back out. “Maybe one day I’ll tell you the story of your Nonna, but not today. Okay?”

Jilly’s nod was barely perceptible, but it was enough.
 

“Anna, please sit down.”

Anna sat and folded her hands together on her knees.
Where do we go from here?
Anna’s skin burned, yet cold filled her core. She resisted folding her arms as that would make her look closed off from the dialogue. She actually wanted to talk to Mamma, see if they could get somewhere.

“Won’t you tell us a little about our family? And Italy?” Anna asked.

Mamma took another deep breath. “Okay. I’ll tell you about your Nonno. He was a talented artist and a wonderful father …”

Chapter 18

Everyone still slept, so Anna tiptoed as she made her way to the front door. She didn't want to have to explain or even lie about her errand. She'd done her research late into the evening from the guest wing iMac and discovered something she desperately needed to check out.

The sun sat high in the sky even though it was still early, only eight o'clock. The warmth of the early morning rays reminded her of many beautiful summers in Toronto. It had been a lovely city to grow up in.

The rental car was parked far enough from the bedrooms that Anna didn't worry about waking anyone. She drove to the front gate, waited for it to open and headed downtown.

The hospital main entrance had only a few people coming and going. Anna hoped she wouldn't have to wait in line long. Now that she'd decided on her course of action, she anxiously waited to see how it would culminate.

Only three people waited in the lineup at the information desk just inside the main doors. Anna glanced around to see if there was another obvious spot she could find the information she sought, but decided she would start there.

Anna tapped her toe while she waited. She hoped she wasn't on a wild goose chase. It would be horrible to finally decide to do this and then not be able to find out what she needed. Her stomach churned as the person in front of her stepped up to the window. The receptionist requested his health card and other information. She glanced past the man while he dug in his wallet and looked at Anna. Her face showed recognition. As Anna didn't know her, she could only assume the woman had seen or knew of Mamma. She hoped it would help her plead her case.

The hospital was quiet, the unnatural hush of all hospitals. It was a very modern hospital. There was even a Starbucks kiosk for visitors. Even at this hour, they were doing a brisk business. All of the twenty or so people in the lobby were lined up and waiting for their coffee. The doors opened and someone walked in and stood behind her. Anna saw the receptionist glance up from the paperwork, look at the person and then at her again. The woman's gaze lingered and then went back to her work. Anna glanced at her watch, hoping the woman would hurry.

Finally, the man put his wallet back in his pocket, took the paperwork from the receptionist and headed to the waiting room. Anna stepped up to the window.

The woman smiled. "May I have your OHIP card, please?"

Anna smiled back, making her face as friendly and open as possible. "I just need some information, please."

"Sure, no problem." She hesitated then leaned forward a little. "I hope I'm not intruding, but you really remind me of someone." She paused, obviously waiting for Anna to jump in.

"Yes, you are probably thinking of my mother. I know I look just like her."

"Ms. di Rossi? She's your mother." Anna smiled and nodded. The receptionist leaned back in her chair, her face flushed with pleasure. "How nice to meet you, Ms ..."

"Gallo. Mrs. Anna Gallo."

"Very nice to meet you." She reached her hand forward and Anna took it, happy to have the woman's cooperation. She'd probably need it.

"Now how can I help you, Ms. Gallo?"

"I'm looking for someone. I believe he's a paramedic, so I wonder if you know him.”

"I might," the woman said. "What is his name?"

"Chris Mackenzie." Just the sound of his name caused the butterflies to dance in her stomach.

A huge smile came over the woman's face. "Chris? Of course I know him." Then her training took over and her smile faded. "I do need to know a little more information from you, though. I'm sorry but I can't just give out anything about him to someone I don't know."

"Oh, of course I understand," Anna hastened to reassure her. She was happy to know that at least he spent some time in this hospital. If she had to camp out in the emergency department to find him, she would. She felt safer meeting up with him in a public venue than trying to find his phone number or his house. What if he was married or, even worse, still angry with her?

Anna smiled at the woman, trying to reassure her. "I've just come back to town after many years and I thought I'd look him up. We were good friends in high school."

The receptionist narrowed her eyes a little, thinking. Then she smiled back. "Okay, I can tell you he's usually here on a daily basis. He's one of our main paramedics. In fact," the woman smiled even more generously, "I believe he's on shift this morning. I saw him with his partner getting a coffee over there." She waved her arm at the Starbucks kiosk.

"Thank you so much," Anna said. "You've been so helpful. I'd like to surprise him, so maybe you could tell me where the paramedics spend their time in between calls. Maybe I could go there and try to find him."

"No problem," the woman said. "I hope you find him today." Her eyes crinkled at the corners as she grinned at Anna. "He's a gorgeous man. Too bad neither of us are single." She gave Anna a wink. The woman then gave her directions to the paramedics.

Anna thanked her again, even more nervous now. She'd hoped, but not really expected to find him this quickly. What if he was actually sitting there waiting for a call? How would he respond to the sight of her?

Anna left the hospital and walked the short distance to the paramedic building. She steeled her nerves, determined not to show how much his reaction would mean to her. She didn't know how she'd handle it if he ordered her to leave.

The building stood among leafy trees and had a beautifully manicured lawn in front. A couple of ambulances were parked in the driveway. Anna didn't know how many they had, so she wasn't sure if he would be here or out on a call. She didn't even know if the general public was allowed to enter the building. She definitely didn't want to start off the reunion by getting him in trouble with his boss.

She reached for the door, her hand shaky. She pulled it open and walked in. Chris stood in front of a desk near the door, speaking into a cell phone. He still had hair as black as soot. As he glanced at her, she nearly reeled back from his blue eyes. They were even brighter than she remembered. Being an artist's daughter, she’d always described them as the blue of the Italian sky.
Azzurro.
The hospital receptionist was right. He was a gorgeous man.

Said gorgeous man stared at her, mouth agape, and he'd obviously forgotten the caller on the other end of his phone.

"Anna? Anna, is it really you?" He dropped the phone onto the desk, took a step toward her then stopped. The years between them came rushing back and he frowned.

"What are you doing here?" His voice now flat.

Dread settled into Anna’s stomach like a brick. He hadn't forgiven her. Neither had he forgotten her. His unguarded reaction to the sight of her told the story. That gave her hope as she stepped forward and gestured toward the forgotten phone. "Don't you want to finish your call?"

"What?" He looked around confused until he spotted the phone on the desk. "Oh, right. Carl, sorry man, something's come up." He listened. "No, no, everything's fine. No, not a call. Someone's here. Listen, I'll call you later and we can decide what night works. Okay. Bye."

Chris snapped the phone shut and dropped it in his pocket.

They were the only ones in the office, but might not be for long. Maybe her midnight fancies weren't such a great idea after all. How fair was she being to him?

"Hi, Chris," she said softly, gently. She hoped he would remember the good times they'd shared. The girl she'd been before she became the one who stomped on his heart.

"Again, why are you here?" he asked. The muscles in his jaw bunched up.
 

"I'm sorry, maybe this wasn't a good idea. I didn't know the best way to get in touch with you. I thought in person would be the best. I just got into town yesterday and, well, I wanted to see you. I guess I didn't ..." she babbled. She knew it, but didn't know how to stop. This wasn't happening the way she'd imagined. She remembered how Chris used to smile at her. She'd held onto that image and didn't even consider that he might not ever smile at her again. She struggled to hold the tears back. "I'm sorry, Chris," she whispered and reached for the door.