Love in a Fix (13 page)

Drawing in a long breath, she knew her answer. “I want to step down completely and stay at home. I used to enjoy my job, but my heart’s not in it anymore.”

“There’s your answer.” He took the bread from the oven.

“Is it? What if something happens to you and I’m left alone again? It’s hard to give up that income, small as it might be.”

Understanding shone in his eyes. “Fear makes a terrible leader. Planning for the future is one thing, but allowing fear to dictate those plans is something else.”

“You wouldn’t mind losing my income?”

“Not at all.” Navigating around the counter, he opened his arms then brought her into his embrace. “I want you to be happy. Don’t misunderstand—I appreciate that you want to contribute to our family monetarily, but our finances are solid whether you work or not.”

She leaned in to him, fortified by his support and closeness. “It’s a big decision.”

“After we put Josh to bed, let’s pray about it, and that you’ll have peace with the decision you choose.”

The words to
you are a wise man
rested on her tongue, but before she could speak a wave of nausea hit and she ran to the bathroom.

The tea kettle whistled and Shep removed it from the burner. Steam rose from the cup when he poured the scalding water over a bag of lemon and mint tea. While it seeped, he toasted two pieces of wheat bread. When the light breakfast was ready, he arranged it on a tray and carried it up the stairs to the bedroom.

After two days of sickness, Lyndsey claimed to be better this morning, but she still looked peaked. She sat in bed, her back propped against the headboard. “I’m going to work today.”

In times such as this, he wanted to put his foot down and demand she stay home, but all he could do was suggest his preference. “Another day of rest wouldn’t hurt.”

“Tomorrow is Saturday. I can rest while you and Josh go bowling, but I feel fine now.”

He set the bed tray over her lap. “And if you get sick again?”

“I’ll be too busy to notice.” Lifting the cup to her mouth, she blew on the tea before sipping. “Fridays are crazy since I’m not there on Thursdays, and if I take off today, next week will be a nightmare.”

“When will you give your notice?”

“Today, and that’s another reason I need to go in. I don’t want to leave him in a lurch.”

“You’ll call if you need me?” Protectiveness squeezed his heart.

“Absolutely.” She reached up and grabbed his collar. Pulled him to her for a brief kiss. “Now you know how I felt last week when you insisted on working through the bug.”

“And look where it almost got me.” A long sigh came out when he realized he’d lost this battle. “Lawton Mercer called yesterday. Do you remember him?”

“Yes, I haven’t seen him in ages, since he moved his family and changed churches. How is he?”

“Busy. He wants me to drive over to Hillside. He invested in some commercial real estate there, including a small apartment complex and wants an estimate to remove and upgrade the kitchens and bathrooms on all the units.”

“He wants to contract you?” 

“Yes. It would mean long hours working with another contractor and possibly a few overnight stays, but it’s a lucrative deal.”

“Are you doing it?”

“I’d planned to discuss it with you later, once I saw the condition. If there’s too much involved, I’ll have to give an automatic no because I have clients here who depend on me, with some projects already scheduled.” Clients whose loyalties had earned him a comfortable living and quality reputation. “The reason I told you now is that I might be home late, but if you get worse and need me to get Josh from preschool, I’m only a call away.”

“Stop worrying.” Her palm connected with his cheek in a playful swat. “Is Josh still asleep?”

“Last time I checked.”

Lyndsey nibbled the corner of her toast. No noticeable piece was missing when she set it back on the plate. She moved the tray and swung her legs over the bed. Wobbled a second, but she’d deny it if he asked. “I’ll wake him up.”

He swallowed to keep himself from commenting. If she thought herself well enough to go to work, he had to accept that, no matter how much he wanted to keep her in a protective bubble.

***

Lyndsey turned off the television. They’d sat down to watch a kids’ show after a late dinner on Friday night, but nothing came on afterward that appealed to any of them.

“Can I color in my book, Mommy?”

“Sure thing.” Lyndsey started to stand, but Shep stopped her.

“I’ll get it.” Her complexion was nearly normal again, but he’d feel better if she rested. He dug a box of crayons and a coloring book from the decorative storage bins against the wall and handed them to Josh. “Remember, we only color on the pages.”

Josh grabbed the items and kneeled at the coffee table, proceeding to dump the entire contents of the box. He opened to a page with three puppies and began coloring furiously with a tan crayon.

Forty-five minutes later, Lyndsey told him, “Bedtime.”

“I’m still coloring,” Josh whined and looked at Shep.

“Listen to your mother. You’ve already gotten to stay up later than normal.”

Ignoring them both, Josh continued working on his picture.

Lyndsey looked directly at her son. “Josh, put your crayons away now and get ready for bed.”

“Not until I finish.” His stubborn chin jutted out.

Taking a deep breath, Lyndsey ran a hand through her hair. Her jaw clenched, but she didn’t push him further.

Shep stepped in again, knowing Lyndsey would let this battle slide. “If you don’t clean up and put them away now, I’m not taking you bowling tomorrow.”

Josh huffed. His hand made an angry swipe over the table, sending crayons of every color flying.

“That’s it. You’ll be staying home tomorrow. No bowling.” Shep stood and pointed to the stairs. “Go to your room now,” he commanded with a calm, but firm voice.

Still belligerent, Josh crossed his arms and huffed.

“Go to your room.” Lyndsey shot Josh a sharp look of disapproval after echoing Shep’s command.

“Humpf.” He stomped on Shep’s foot before finally following orders.

Pushed too far by Josh for the first time, Shep suppressed his instinct to yell. He gritted his teeth and watched Josh stomp upstairs.

Lyndsey flashed him a sour look as she stood from the couch. “I’ll get him to bed.”

Alone in the room, he muttered, “What did I do?”

He replayed the sequence of events and couldn’t see that he’d done anything wrong. Maybe her scowl was meant for Josh and transferred to him by default.

Thirty minutes later, Lyndsey rejoined him. “He cried himself to sleep.”

Dull pains banded Shep’s heart.
This must be the downside of fatherhood
. He’d done what needed to be done, but he hated upsetting Josh.

“Don’t you think your punishment was extreme?” Lyndsey draped her arms over her chest, her posture a combination of defense and vulnerability.

His jaw dropped from the left-field accusation. “He flat out disobeyed, was told the consequences and still didn’t listen. All I did was follow through with the consequences.”

“But he was so excited about spending the morning with you. I hated seeing him that upset.”

“What would you have had me do?” He clasped the edge of her shoulders. “Children need discipline. Josh is a great kid, but he needs to be corrected when he’s wrong.
We
discussed discipline and punishment and taking away special activities was something
we
both agreed on.”

“But—”

“No buts, Lyndsey. I’m not going to apologize for doing the right thing.” Frustration got the better of him and he ignored the voice that told him to quit talking. “Maybe if you’d been more firm to begin with…”

“So now it’s all my fault?” Her voice pitched an octave.

“That’s not what I said.” He backed away and shut his eyes, trying to find his calm. Every couple was bound to have an argument, but he’d never thought his first one with Lyndsey would go like this. He was still figuratively scratching his head, trying to figure out what had happened.

“You’re not his parent, Shep. You weren’t there after Mark died to hear Josh cry every single night for a month, calling for his daddy.” She splayed her palm over her chest. “It’s torture. Absolute torture, so yes, maybe I spoil him a little, but nothing could ever make up for losing his father.”

He blinked and put a hand to his stomach that hurt with the same intensity it would have had Lyndsey physically punched him. That would have been preferable to the pain inflicted by what she’d said. It took a minute until he was able to respond. “I’m sorry that Mark died. He was my best friend and a good man. A good father who loved his son. True, Josh isn’t my biological child and I’m sorry he lost his father at a young age, but I can’t change those facts. I do, however, love him as though my own blood ran through him. I can’t be Mark. Not for you, not for Josh. I can only be me who loves both of you and would give you the moon if I could, but apparently that’s not enough.”

Lyndsey stood shell-shocked, a hand covered her mouth. “I’m so sorry. None of that came out right.”

“Or maybe it did.” He ran his fingers through his hair.

“No. I’m not myself lately, and my brain doesn’t always talk to my mouth.” She shook her head emphatically, pressed a palm against his heart. A tear dropped to her cheek. “I don’t want you to be a replica of Mark. I love
you
and I love that you’ve accepted Josh as your own. Seeing him cry himself to sleep resurrected bad memories. Emotion got the better of me then I took it out on you, and for that I am truly sorry.”

Her apology and explanation hit his ears, but it didn’t ease the ache in his chest. “We’re both tired. Can we table this for the night and finish the conversation tomorrow?”

“Okay.” Her voice stumbled on the single word and her hand shook against him.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” She lowered her arm, but didn’t leave.

Sadness arced between them, and he wanted to reach out, pull her into an embrace and make things right between them. Except four words haunted him.
You’re not his parent
.

Slinging hurtful words during an argument wasn’t uncommon, even if it was wrong. Most of the time the person didn’t mean them, yet at the root, there usually existed a modicum of truth, and that was what hurt. He considered Josh his son in every way. He’d thought Lyndsey did as well, but was he wrong? Did she think that he was trying to replace Mark? 

There’d be a period of adjustment, and he knew that going into the marriage. Not every day could be perfect, but they’d had a good run. Even through the stomach bug, they’d stayed upbeat.
The honeymoon’s over, that’s for sure
. The end came so unexpectedly, he wasn’t equipped to handle it immediately.

He loved Lyndsey. Their relationship would survive this and one day they’d look back at the first small blip of their marriage and laugh, but not today. He rarely got mad or upset, but when he did, it took time to recover, rid himself of that void in his heart.

After a minute of silence, Lyndsey turned on a heel and went upstairs. Uncertain what to do next, he drew a long breath. He couldn’t go to bed and lie beside her, not while he still harbored anger.

With his options limited, he plopped on the couch and grabbed the remote. Perhaps a mindless television show would distract him enough to calm his emotions. He flipped through the channels, ultimately settling on a civil war documentary.

After the first commercial he blinked his eyes in an effort to stay awake. His lids grew heavy, weighed down with exhaustion wrought from the fight with Lyndsey. He couldn’t keep them open and darkness set in.

***

A poke in his ribs jolted Shep from a deep sleep. Bright light burned his eyes, and he squinted until his pupils adjusted. He glanced to his left, searching for the source of pain in his side.

Josh was curled beside him, staring at him with big green eyes. “Good morning, Daddy.”

Shep stole a glance at his watch. 7:33. He’d slept late, and on the couch at that. A blanket that hadn’t been there when he’d fallen asleep covered his legs.

“Good morning.” He put an arm around Josh and shifted him into a position that didn’t dig into his ribs.

“Are you still mad at me?” The corners of Josh’s mouth turned down.

Compassion squeezed Shep’s chest. “Not at all. I was never mad at you, son, but I want you to understand that you have to obey Mommy and Daddy.”

“Does that mean we can still go bowling?” Josh sat up straight with hope written on his face.

“I’m afraid not. There are still consequences for your actions and because you didn’t listen last night that means you miss out on bowling today.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll tell you what.” A compromise came to mind. “If you can pick up all the toys in your room this morning, you can come with me to the hardware store and we’ll stop at the park on the way home if it’s not too cold.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Josh threw tiny arms around Shep’s neck and gave him a hug. “I’m gonna do it right now.” He let go and ran up the stairs.

Rolling his neck, Shep attempted to loosen his stiff muscles. The night’s sleep on the sofa cramped his muscles from head to toe. He’d fallen asleep without consciously thinking about the argument, but judging by his unsettled feelings, he’d thought of it plenty while sleeping.

“I heard what you told Josh.” Lyndsey’s voice drew his attention across the room. She stood against the doorjamb, gripping the belt of her robe. “Thank you for taking him to the park later.”

“It was never about spending time with him.” He propped his elbows on his knees and looked down.

“I know.” Her light footsteps approached him, and she pointed to the empty spot beside him. “Can I sit?”

He sat up and shrugged. “Sure.”

“You’re still upset, aren’t you?”

“We were so happy,” he said, indirectly answering her question. “Then bam, we were fighting. Tell me what I did wrong?”