Love Inspired March 2014 - Bundle 2 of 2: North Country Family\Small-Town Midwife\Protecting the Widow's Heart (13 page)

Chapter Ten

“B
oy I'm glad to see you.” Rick heaved a sigh of relief the next afternoon when Cassie rushed through the church door for the first rehearsal with the band and the choir together. Seeing her lovely face made him so happy, he felt like a giddy teenager.

“I'm sorry I'm late.” She sounded breathless as she unwound her scarf and pulled off her jacket and gloves. “Would you believe Laurel's van wouldn't start?”

“Yes, I would.” He grinned. “That vehicle needs to be replaced.” He waited until she was seated at the piano. “Do you want to run over it before we begin?”

“I think I'll be okay,” Cassie said. “I'm ready whenever you are.”

“Good.” Rick tapped his music stand to gain the kids' attention, waiting until all eyes were on him. “Ready? Here we go. Wait for Cassie's introduction.” He nodded to her to begin. “Now.”

Most of the choir managed to hit the first note but the band members straggled in late so he started again. It was only marginally better the second time but Rick pressed on, leading them to the end without stopping. As the last note died away, the kids remained silent for a moment. Then everyone rushed to speak.

“We did it!” they exclaimed in proud surprise.

“Of course you did.” Rick shared a grin with Cassie. “We have to remember those pauses where the choir sings without the band. But if we practice, I know we can have it perfect in time for Easter morning. Doesn't it make a difference having Cassie play for us?”

The kids concurred, eager to try again. After they finished the third run-through, they drooped, exhilarated but obviously tired. Rick praised their efforts effusively, reminded them of the next practice and then dismissed them. Cassie rose as if she, too, would leave.

This was the moment.

“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?” he asked. “Privately?”

Cassie's eyebrows rose in surprise but she nodded and began to put away her music. Once the last boy had wandered out, she looked at him, a question in her eyes.

“You've done an amazing job,” Rick said. Her eyes still shone with the passion she'd poured into her playing. “I think this Easter is going to be very special.”

“Me, too. I can't believe how much you've done with them,” Cassie said. Rick's pride surged at her praise. “Noah sounds amazing. You were right—his stutter completely disappears when he sings.”

“He's remarkable.” Rick sat down in the front pew facing her. “They all are. I wish I could do more.”

“More? Like what?” Her pretty smile flashed. “Get them doing a full-scale opera?”

“I doubt they'd agree to that,” he said, laughing a little. “No, I meant I need to find something for Michael other than those bells. I need to find a saxophone and so far I'm hitting a wall.”

Quit prevaricating.
He exhaled. He opened his mouth.

“I wrote my dad, Rick.” Cassie said it softly, quietly, studying him as she spoke. “I did what you said and told him how I felt abandoned by him.”

“How do you feel about that?” he asked, relieved to put off his confession a little longer.

“Good. Calmer. As if a big block in my life has dissolved.” Her surprise was obvious. “I guess I never realized just how much my anger about him was bothering me.”

“It is surprising when we let go of something and then realize the hold it had on us,” he agreed. “God answers prayer, Cassie. And He knows how to work this out.”

“I haven't had much success with talking to God lately,” she admitted, her eyes avoiding his.

“That's not unusual. When you haven't talked in a while, it takes some time to regain the closeness you used to share.” He saw that mystified look on her face. “You have to purposefully rebuild your relationship with God, just like you do with your dad. Eventually you'll get to a point where you'll be able to declare something.”

“Like what?”

“Like declaring that you'll trust God.” He said it deliberately, knowing how shaky her trust was but wanting her to take another step. Cassie frowned.

“Even if I'm not sure I can?” she murmured. “I keep going back, Rick. I keep thinking maybe, if I'd been a better wife, paid more attention, if I'd seen Eric's desperation to impress his board, maybe I could have prevented his suicide.”

“Looking back is useless. There's nothing you can do to change what happened, Cassie.” He paused, waiting for some heavenly direction. But it wasn't there. Was it because his attraction to Cassie meant he was betraying his promise to God? “God knew what would happen,” he said, struggling to find the words. “And He gave you the strength to get through it.”

“I don't understand.” She shook her head. “If He knew how much it would hurt, why did He let it happen?” A tear spilled down her cheek. “Why did I have to go through all that pain?”

Rick hesitated. He was a pastor. He was supposed to be able to help her, lead her so she could find God's love again. Yet he felt weighed down by his own guilt.

“I don't know why it had to happen that way, Cassie. But
why
doesn't really matter now, does it?” His own words sounded hollow as he moved from the pew to hunker down in front of her. He took her hand in his. “I see your struggle as a test. You've come this far. Now you need to decide if you're going to lose your faith or if you're going to fight for it.”

“How do I do that?” Her eyes implored him for help.

This is why God placed me in Churchill.

Rick blocked out every emotion. He was determined to help Cassie through this.

“Whenever you talk about the past, your body language changes,” he began. “Your shoulders hunch, you tighten up and your smile disappears. Your words are tight, tense and short.”

“I know. That's how I feel,” Cassie admitted.

“But if you could see yourself when you're with your patients,” he continued. “Your face is relaxed, your voice is soft. You're open and trusting.” Rick smiled as images of her just like that filled his mind.

“How is that connected to my faith?” She frowned.

“I think you need to treat yourself like you treat your patients,” he said. “You need new words to reframe the way you talk about the past and help you look to the future.” Cassie's eyebrows rose high, as if that was the last thing she expected from him. “You need to be gentle with yourself. Because that's the way God feels toward you.”

“Go on.” She was still frowning, but he could see that he had her attention.

“Words are powerful and whether we realize it or not, what we say impacts the way we live our lives. I'm suggesting you start reframing your life and your faith with the way you speak.”

Cassie slowly withdrew her hand from his. Rick rose, stepped back and sat beside her on the front pew.

“That sounds reasonable.”

“It is. But if you're going to do that, you need to start with a basic premise,” he added. “How about God is love?”

Cassie took a long time to think about it before she nodded.

“So because God is love and wants only the best for us, we trust Him.” Rick forced his mind off the way her curls tumbled onto her face like shavings of gold, illuminating her lovely skin. “He teaches us to do that by giving us tests that will help stretch our faith. We might not like it, but we know that God has something good in mind. He's answering our prayer and we just haven't realized it yet.”

“You're talking about the power of positive thinking,” she said.

“Oh, no.” Rick shook his head. “I'm talking about speaking the truths God gave us in His word and being confident in Him instead of letting the storms we go through control our emotions and thoughts.”

“I'm not sure I follow.”

“The best way to keep our trust in God is to remember His promises. ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'” Rick paused—he needed a moment to absorb the beauty of Cassie beginning to claim her faith. ‘“All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose,'” he quoted.

‘“I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me,'” Cassie quoted in return. The gold in her eyes began to glow. ‘“I will not fear, for God is with me.'”

Rick could only nod as realization of her position with God dawned on Cassie. He'd always thought she was beautiful, but now she was stunning as she radiated God's love. She repeated verse after verse, her voice filling the sanctuary, growing stronger as her faith grew.

When she stopped speaking, her eyes met his. Rick couldn't move. There could be nothing between them—he knew that and mourned it—but that didn't stop his heart from surging with joy at her renewal as a child of God.

“I'm beginning to understand,” Cassie whispered as a smile spread across her face. “I get it.”

This woman was a jewel beyond compare. Rick could no more ignore the affection he felt for her than he could have ignored her pleas for help.

Until he realized his own test was going to be giving her up.

“Just keep your thoughts and mind centered on God and His love for you,” he said, knowing he couldn't put off telling her any longer.

“Sounds easier than it is,” she said shyly.

“Yes, but you can do it.” He inhaled deeply. “I wanted to talk to you about something else,” he said.

The back door of the church slammed. They both turned to see Noah standing there.

“Are you f-finished, Mom?” he asked. “I've g-got a lot of h-homework.”

“Sorry, Rick. Another time?” Cassie asked.

He held her coat while she slipped into it. For the merest fraction of a second he allowed his hands to linger on her arms, wishing he had the right to draw her close, knowing she'd never want that after he told her the truth.

“Can I take you out for coffee tomorrow?” he asked, hearing the desperation in his voice.

“I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow so I'll be sleeping during the day,” she explained, searching his gaze. “Friday is the dance. I said I'd help the boys get ready in the afternoon, and I'm chaperoning at the dance that night. Maybe we can figure out another time.”

“I hope so.” The need to straighten things out so that nothing but the total truth lay between them nagged at Rick. But he would have to wait. For a little while longer he could enjoy their friendship.

Friendship?

“I loved playing today.” Cassie leaned forward to touch his arm. “I know I told you I didn't want to go inside a church again, but I'm very glad I did. Will you pray for me?” she asked, keeping her voice too low for Noah to hear.

“Of course.” Rick yearned to reach out and brush his fingers against her cheek, to hug her close, just for a moment. Instead, aware of Noah watching, he contented himself with a platitude. “Keep trusting, Cassie. Have faith in God's love.”

“That is at the root of everything, isn't it?” She studied him, then gave him a smile. “Gotta go. Bye.”

“See you.” Rick watched Cassie leave the church with a myriad of emotions swirling inside, the strongest of which was a soul-deep yearning to be with her.

If only—

Rick stared at the cross hanging at the front of the church. God had sacrificed so much for him. How could he ask God to forget his vow to never get romantically involved? How could he forget the debt he owed?

He couldn't. But oh, how he wanted to. Certain now that Cassie and Noah could never be the family he'd longed for all these years, Rick knelt and prayed for strength to make the confession he needed to make.

But he also asked God to be with Cassie, to smooth the way so she wouldn't see him as the scoundrel he was when he told her he had lost all her father's money.

And made it nearly impossible for John to be there for his daughter in her moment of greatest need.

* * *

“How come you're not getting ready for the Valentine's dance, Noah?”

Cassie stood in the doorway of the computer room. She frowned when her son quickly shut down whatever he was looking at.

“What were you looking at?”

“Just eBay. I wanted to ch-check something out.” He stood up and tried to get past her to leave the room.

“You want to buy something?” Sensing this was important, Cassie held her ground, refusing to move out of the doorway. “What?”

“N-nothing.” he said. When she still didn't budge, he shrugged. “R-Rick's guitar.”

“Rick's guitar is on eBay? For sale?” Noah nodded. “But he loves that guitar. A friend in seminary gave it to him. Why would he sell it?”

Noah lowered his voice. “I think R-Rick is t-trying to get a s-saxophone for M-Michael.”

“By selling his guitar?” Her heart swelled with different emotions—pride that Rick was concerned enough to give up his beloved possession, tenderness over the fact that he wouldn't ask for help but instead found a way on his own, and sadness that she and the boys would no longer be able to watch him play as he led the group in praise.

Rick, the perpetual giver, had spent much time with Michael since he'd returned to Lives, trying to help him break through his depression. He'd said he had an idea of a way to help. But to give up his most precious possession...

“He's selling it because he doesn't have enough money to buy a saxophone, you mean.”

Noah nodded.

A sense of loss filled her. She shook her head. “That is a very generous thing for Rick to do.”

“I know.” Noah nodded. “C-can we buy it, M-mom?”

“Buy it?” As Cassie studied Noah's earnest face, understanding flowed. “And give it back, you mean? That's such a lovely idea, Noah, but we can't afford it, honey. It would empty our savings.”

“S-so? We can s-save again,” he said. “I d-don't need anything.”