Love & Loss (3 page)

‘Yeah parents for us too,’ I replied quickly, not wanting Lexi to feel embarrassed in front of him. ‘But I’ve been offered a part time job, where I could make some decent cash, which I’m considering.’

‘You are?’ choked Lexi, looking at me amazed as she tried to swallow her pizza.

‘Yes, why not?’

‘Because Gabe would flip that’s why.’

‘Well it’s not his decision to make, free will and all that. Besides it’s nothing to do with him what I do anymore is it?’

‘Ok what the hell happened between the two of you? I thought you went away to spend some quality time together?’ asked Milo confused, looking from me to Lexi and back to me.

‘We did, we had a great time until we got home, then we had to agree to disagree on a few issues and we haven’t spoken since.’

‘Shit sorry Mia.’

‘Milo I hate to make things awkward, but Doug will be coming over in a while from swimming practice and given you’re one of the issues Gabe has a problem with, I think it may be best if you make yourself scarce before Doug gets here and reports it back,’ Lexi stated factually.

‘
Lexi,’
I glared.

‘What do you mean I’m one of the issues?’ asked Milo stunned. I shook my head at her, I didn’t want Milo being dragged into this as well.

‘He deserves to know Mia, especially if Gabe tries to go all postal on him.’

‘Know what? What’s going on girls?’

‘Gabe told Mia he doesn’t want her to hang out with you, as he has serious jealousy issues. Mia refused to stop seeing you, which really pissed him off so he’s finished with her,’ shrugged Lexi as I put my head in my hands.

‘
What
?’ uttered Milo. ‘Mia, is this true?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed as I looked back up at him. ‘If it’s any consolation he’s not overly happy about me going out with Lexi either, so we had a massive fight about that too. It
wasn’t
all about you Milo and I didn’t want you to know as it’s not your issue, it’s Gabe’s, but Lexi doesn’t know when to keep her big mouth shut.’ I flashed her another glare and she just raised her eyebrows at me.

‘Shit Mia, I’m sorry. I knew he wasn’t overly keen on me, but I thought he was cool us hanging out.’

‘You don’t need to apologise Milo, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and I won’t be dictated to on who I can or can’t be friends with. If Doug comes over and reports back that you were here, so be it. I can be friends with whomever I want now, and Gabe will have to deal with it, it’ll be his problem.’

‘No it’ll be mine when he knocks me into next week,’ Milo replied looking nervous.

‘Milo, you helped me out today instead of leaving me to make it home alone when I wasn’t feeling well. Any boyfriend …’ I sighed at the term. ‘Anyone who cared about me at all should be grateful, besides I made it clear that I am not stopping seeing you, or spending time with Lexi, so he can think what he wants.’

‘Well I appreciate that, but don’t make things worse for yourself.’

‘I’ll only make things worse by giving into his dictatorship Milo,’ I stated firmly.

‘You’re comparing Gabe to Stalin or Hitler?’ laughed Milo.

‘It feels like it sometimes, he’s so bloody bossy and domineering,’ I grumbled while he and Lexi laughed. ‘Well he is,’ I protested. ‘Put him in charge of a small army and I reckon he could take over Westhampton in days.’

‘Right, well based on that bit of new information I’m not going to give him more reason to be pissed at me. I’ll shoot and see you both tomorrow.’

‘Night Milo and thanks so much for bringing me back, you’re a good friend,’ I smiled as he kissed my cheek.

‘You’re welcome, just promise to try and eat something tomorrow, I’ve never seen you look so ill.’

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and Lexi ganging up on me now?’ I teased.

‘Whatever it takes Mia,’ scowled Lexi as she got up and walked Milo out. She returned with a hot chocolate for me and cleared up the pizza boxes then marched back in looking furious.

‘What?’ I exclaimed as she towered over me her hands on her hips.

‘You, that’s what. You hardly ate any of that Chinese.’

‘I ate
some
and it should be me pissed at you. What gave you the right to spill my problems to Milo? Or to let him know that he was part of the problem in the first place?’

‘Either he’s a friend or he’s not Mia, you don’t hide things from friends. Or are you trying to keep him on side in case things don’t work out with Gabe?’

‘Lexi!’ I gasped. ‘You’re bang out of order. You know I don’t like Milo like that and you know how I feel about Gabe.’

‘Do I? Or for that matter does he? You’ve not even tried to contact him in three days Mia.’

‘Well he’s not tried to contact me either. When were you suddenly on his side?’

‘I’m on your side Mia. You’re bloody miserable, you’re not eating and you’re letting your stupid pride stand in the way.’

‘It’s not pride. I think he’s better off without me.’

‘He’s a big boy Mia, he can make his own decisions and he still wants you in his life.’

‘Well he hasn’t exactly made that clear to
me
has he?’

‘Just like you haven’t with him. I need to knock your bloody heads together.’

‘I don’t need this from you as well Lexi,’ I stood up and glared at her. ‘Lecture me on my relationship problems when you don’t have any of your own.’

‘Meaning?’

‘I let Gabe in, I got hurt and I’m trying to deal with it the best way I can. You’re too bloody scared to even try letting Doug in, you’re faking orgasms, making dates on the side and quitting without even trying. Well it’s time you grew up. Sort your own shit out before criticising the way I’m trying to handle my own.’ I pushed past her, slamming the lounge door behind me and threw myself on my bed and punched my pillows until my arms hurt. I could feel all the anger and tension that had built up since Sunday bubbling under the surface. I sat up and grabbed the picture of Gabe and I off the bedside table and ran my fingers over his handsome face. I missed him so much and even now, even when we were apart, he was still coming between me and my friends. I screamed with frustration and threw it across the room and it shattered on the wall as I flung myself face down in my bed and dry sobbed, I’d no more tears left to cry.

I woke up with another vile pounding headache, still lying on top of my bed. I squinted at the clock, it was only quarter past six, but no way was I going back to sleep now. I swallowed some pills, pulled on my running gear and grabbed my iPhone and bottle of water and headed out. I didn’t care that it was dark, cold and raining, it was exhilarating to feel my lungs burn and my skin freeze, it took away from the complete numbness inside. I tried to put everything out of my mind as I focussed on my steps and the music playing, but before I knew it I found myself outside Gabe’s front door.

I put my hands on my hips as I tried to catch my breath, unsure why I was standing here. Was I really ready to face him? I was still angry with him, and fighting with Lexi last night hadn’t helped my mood either. I felt so confused and wondered if that was how he was feeling too? I had my key to get in, but it seemed wrong to even think about using it. I wasn’t even sure if we were a couple anymore. My hand hovered over the heavy black metal door knocker and I kept snatching it back, then lifting it up as I bit my lip trying to make a decision.

It was made for me when I heard the door being unlocked from the inside. I froze for a second to realise that it might be him standing on the other side, about to open it. How did anyone know I was here? Or was it a co-incidence and he was on his way out? I suddenly felt physically sick, what if he had moved on? What if he had another woman in there and was showing her out? Here I was, soaked through, hot, sweaty and looking like shit. In a split second I bolted and started running back up the drive and didn’t look back as I heard Gabe’s surprised voice calling my name. I ran as fast as I could through the park, ignoring my ringing phone, until I made it all the way to the front door of my building. I sat at the bottom of the stairs in the dry, trying to catch my breath, before I checked my messages. I’d got a voicemail from his number and a text from Lexi. It was only ten past eight, what the hell was Lexi doing up at this time? I checked her message first, figuring that was the easier of the two options.

I’m soz bout last nite. I’m worried bout u and findin this Doug sit hard nd got no1 2 talk 2 bout it. Erd u leave nd fnd ur broken pic. Pleas let me no ur ok <3 u xx

I’m sorry too. I’m just so tired and irritable. I know you were only trying to help. I’m downstairs, just got in from a run. I’ll see you in a minute and we can talk. You can always talk to me Lex, you’re my best friend. <3 you too x

I took a deep breath and called my voicemail.

‘Mia please come back, I miss you so much. You set the alarm off coming up the drive and woke me, but I don’t understand why you ran, you obviously came to talk, what changed your mind? I know I hurt you Sunday, but I can’t bear the thought of you being scared of me. I’m working really hard on getting better, I want to better for you, you deserve that. I’m home all day if you’ll come over, if not please let me know if you’re ok, I’m worried that you’re out on your own at this time. I know I messed up Sunday,
big time
and I want the chance to apologise, but I couldn’t contact you first. I was so scared of pushing you away if you weren’t ready. You don’t know how happy I was to realise that you’d come over, but then you ran like you couldn’t get away quick enough. I want to make this work Mia and I’ll wait as long as it takes, but please just let me know you’re ok. God
please
baby, this is killing me. I love you Mia’

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, how the hell could my body produce any more? He sounded so upset, but at the same time it was so good to hear his voice. I replied by text, not ready to talk to him yet.

I’m sorry I ran, I still love you and miss you so much too, but I’m still very upset with you. I’m also scared that I’ll make you worse by seeing you and us fighting again. I’m not sure that I’m good for you Gabe. I seem to make you mad, tense and stressed all the time and I don’t want that. You deserve to be happy. M

I don’t want to fight again either Mia. It’s not your fault that I’m this way, please don’t ever blame yourself. You ARE good for me, not having you in my life is far worse. These last few days have been hell. Besides, it’s me that keeps fucking up. I seem to make you unhappy and cry all the time and that kills me Mia. That’s why I’ve not chased you this time, I’m scared that it’s me that’s not good for you. I’m wondering if I should let you go, to let you be with someone who can make you happy and give you what you need, what you deserve G

Gabe I can’t do this by text, I don’t want to do this by text. Please just give me some time, I need longer to sort my head out.

I ran up the stairs and went all dizzy again and held onto the bannister as I listened to the builders in number six shouting and banging with the radio on full blast. We were supposed to be moving in together in less than four weeks and we couldn’t even talk to each other, both of us thinking we were no good for the other. I sighed and headed into the kitchen to find Doug in his sweats making a coffee.

‘Hi Mia, early run huh?’

‘Yes and I’m soaked and freezing.’

‘Why don’t you go and get in the shower and I’ll make you a hot coffee. I know Lexi wants to spend some time with you, so I’ll have this and leave you both in peace.’

‘Thanks Doug.’

‘How are you doing?’

‘A bit better, I went to see him this morning but bottled it. We’ve had a few texts, which is a start, but I just need more time you know?’

‘He’ll just be happy that you’ve been in contact Mia. Right I’ll put your coffee in your room. I tidied up the glass that was on the floor, but be careful if you’re going barefoot.’

I blushed, embarrassed that he knew I’d had a childish temper tantrum, so I beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom. I quickly stripped off and stood under the hot water to warm up before getting dressed in my slouch clothes until I needed to get ready for class. I hopped up onto my bed and took a sip of the coffee that Doug had put on the bedside table. The picture of Gabe and I was propped up against my iPhone dock, he’d obviously thrown the frame away, along with the glass.

‘Mia, you decent?’

‘Yes Lex,’ I called and smiled as she came into my room and sat on the bed with me.

‘I’m sorry for getting mad last night, I’m just worried about you. You’re crying non-stop, you’re not eating and you obviously miss him.’

‘I’m sorry too, I’m just so on edge at the moment. I do miss him and I’m exhausted, but I don’t understand why you think you have no one to talk to about your issues with Doug. Your text hurt me. I’m always here for you, no matter what.’

‘I know that,’ she sighed, ‘but you’ve got enough on your plate without worrying about me, don’t you?’

‘Lex, please don’t ever think that, besides listening to your problems takes my mind of this whole fucked up situation with Gabe.’

‘You really mean it?’ she asked. I nodded and squeezed her hand.

‘Of course I mean it, so start talking.’

‘No, first you’re going to have something to eat, you look like you’re about to pass out. Then we’ll go and cozy up in the lounge and we can talk.’

‘Fine,’ I sighed. She was right, I really wasn’t feeling well, but now Gabe and I were in some form of contact, I was feeling slightly better about the whole situation. I actually even felt like I could manage something to eat.

‘Glad you said that as Doug will be back in a second to drop off some sausage and egg McMuffins and shakes before he heads to Uni. Was hoping that may tempt you,’ she smiled.

‘You sneaky mare Clarke,’ I uttered. ‘But God yes, they’d be so good. Ok let me get my books sorted and lay out my clothes for tonight, take it we are going straight from English?’

‘Yes, I’ll go and get sorted as well.’

I put out my expensive hot pink and black underwear set that I’d not yet worn, I needed to feel good about myself. I set aside my black skinny jeans, grey cashmere jumper and my silver jewellery and did some grey and black eye makeup. I heard Lexi answering the intercom and headed into the lounge to sort out my bag and books, it was still only twenty to nine and we didn’t need to get the bus until after twelve. I tucked my legs up on the recliner as Lexi came in with a tray and some bags.

‘Doug not joining us?’ I asked surprised.

‘No, you’ve totally forgotten Gabe’s schedule of lectures haven’t you? Sports Science at 10 a.m. so he’s headed in.’ She rummaged in the bags and handed me my McMuffin, hash brown and a shake.

‘Cheers, I’ll text Doug to say thanks. Is he coming out tonight?’

‘No he’s staying in with Gabe, they’re having an Xbox marathon with Robert.’

 ‘O right,’ I unwrapped my sandwich and had a bite, at least I could actually taste it and it wasn’t half bad. ‘Well I went to Gabe’s and he saw me running away from his front door and left a message asking me to come back. He said that he wanted to talk, that he missed me and he knew he’d fucked up.’

‘And?’

‘I replied to tell him that I need more time,’ I mumbled through a mouthful of food.

‘I don’t want to argue again Mia, but what good’s more time going to do you? The longer you leave it the harder it’s going to be. How will you get past it if you can’t let out your anger with the one person who made you feel like that?’

‘I don’t know Lex, but I can’t see him when I’m angry, not knowing he’s suffering from stress and heightened emotions. It will make him worse.’

‘Let him be the judge of what he can handle.’

‘Trouble is he never handles
any
disagreement well Lex. He flares up faster than a … a …’

‘A flare?’

‘Wow talk about going for the obvious choice of word,’ I laughed.

‘Well you fanny around with your posh words and phrases, sometimes you just need to tell it how it is.’

‘Ok, but the point is he needs to get all of this out of his system before I talk to him.’

‘So what? You’re going to wait until Dr Jarvis says he’s cured in another five, ten or twenty years’ time and then you’ll get back together?’

‘You make it sound so easy Lexi, and like I’m the one in the wrong.’

‘I know it’s not easy Mia, I mean I’m certainly no relationship expert, but you’re both bloody miserable without each other. Besides, you know what winds him up and you’ve just gone and done it again this morning. You went out running in the dark, on your own, then knocked his door and ran off. Didn’t you think how that would affect him? Don’t glare at me like that, I don’t want to argue, I’m just telling you how I see it. I’ve said my piece so come on, let rip at me now.’

‘I don’t want to let rip Lexi, I just want to take my mind off it all. What can I do to help
you
?’

‘Well we tried sex again last night and I faked it again, twice, and I think you may be right.’

‘About what? Telling him?’

‘No,’ she exclaimed looking at me mortified. ‘Have I taught you nothing about the rules of sex? You never tell a guy you faked it, it’s like the kiss of death for him ever having an erection again.’

‘Well you don’t want that, you can’t get Douged if he’s turned into a Mr Softie,’ I winked.

‘Quite,’ she nodded with a slight smile.

‘So what am I right about?’

‘I think you’re right, that I’m holding back.’

‘Why Lex?’

‘I really like the guy, what if I have
seriously
amazing sex with him and want more?’ She looked at me really confused.

‘That’s the whole point of a relationship, wanting more. If you get on great and the sex turns out to be amazing then that’s as good as it gets, you’ve hit the relationship jackpot. Why
wouldn’t
you want more?’

‘I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship like that Mia.’

‘So what, you’re going to carry on as you are? Faking it to stop you getting closer to him?’

‘No, I think I need to end it,’ she sighed.

‘O Lex
really
? You get on so well, what if you walk away and he finds someone else and you change your mind? You said the same to me about Gabe.’

‘I know but I’m just not ready for all this serious shit.’

‘What are you scared of?’ I asked, batting back the same question she’d posed to me.

‘That he’ll abandon me when I’ve let him in, just like my parents have.’

‘Lex, your mum’s an alcoholic and we may never know why, but your dad left because of her, not because of you.’

‘What’s the diff? He still left me behind.’

‘The difference is that it was nothing
you
did, it had nothing to do with who you are as a person Lex. I know only too well that it’s not easy to start trying to accept that, but Gabe has made me start to feel like maybe I
am
worth someone’s time and attention. That’s only happened because I took that seriously scary step and let him in. Doug could do that for you, but you have to take your own step and meet him halfway.’

‘What if he’s not as into me as all that? I mean guys only go for me for the sex.’

‘Lexi please don’t put yourself down. Until Doug you let guys know that all you
were
interested in was sex, so that’s the sort of guy you attracted, ones that only wanted a one night stand too. By having a relationship with Doug you’ve made it clear that it’s not just all about sex and he’s right there with you.’