Love & Loss (7 page)

‘Ok, I can live with that. Thank you, I know that can’t have been easy for you.’

‘It’s not Mia, it’s the one
fucking
thing I didn’t want you to ask me to do, but if it’s a choice of conceding or losing you then I don’t have a choice.’

‘Gabe I promise I
have
been creeped out by loads of guys over the years, but I’ve never had that vibe from him. I’d go so far as to say after you and Doug, I feel safer with him than anyone.’

‘Not reassuring me Mia. I don’t need a reminder that if I fuck up he’s the guy who’ll you’ll turn to and end up bloody dating.’

‘Gabe he’s not, I’m just saying you can trust him to take care of me if I’m with him.’

‘Well I bloody don’t. Can we move onto point four as I’m getting wound up.’

‘Well that actually leads nicely to it. I need you to be honest with me, tell me when you’re getting tense, if you’re upset, in pain … just talk to me. You’re my boyfriend Gabe, but it’s more than that for me. You’re like my best friend and soul mate as well and I want you to let me in and let me help you when you’re struggling or hurting.’

‘I’m your best friend and soul mate?’

‘Yes.’ This time I didn’t whisper or blush, I meant it and I wasn’t embarrassed about it.

‘O baby,’ he sighed and grabbed my hand and kissed it. ‘You’re mine too.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes,’ he nodded. ‘I’ve never compromised for anyone Mia, that’s how important you are to me.’

‘So you’ll let me help you?’

‘I have a condition of my own for that.’

‘I’m listening, but please let go of my hand as I can’t concentrate when you’re touching me, it sends my mind somewhere else.’

‘Sex?’ he chuckled.

‘Yes,’ I giggled back.

‘Me too,’ he smiled and kissed my hand and put it back on my lap as he scooted himself back on the sofa, putting some distance between us.

‘So your condition?’

‘That you reciprocate Mia. You’re just as stubborn in refusing to discuss your feelings and that makes me nervous. I always worry that I’m doing something wrong. I need you to tell me if I’m upsetting you in anyway without you having one of your seriously hot pouty sulks.’

‘Pouty sulks?’ I gasped.

‘Yes,’ he nodded with a smile.

‘But I do pouty sulks
so well
,’ I laughed.

‘You do,’ he agreed. ‘But if you have one, we have to talk about it after. Agreed?’

‘Agreed,’ I nodded reluctantly.

‘You don’t sound sure.’

‘I still worry that if you get too close to me you’ll hurt me.’

‘Physically?’

‘No, by realising I’m not this perfect thing you seem to think I am.’

‘Mia no one’s perfect, and I think we’ve seen the best and worst of each other. Whatever hang up you have that makes you think that you’re not worth being loved, you are. You have to trust me that I love you, foibles and all. I told you the only thing that could ever change that would be cheating on me, that would break my heart. You may not be perfect, but you’re perfect
for me
. You’re everything I ever dreamed of, maybe a bit more feisty and hot headed than I’d dreamt of,’ he said with a shrug and I laughed, ‘but I even love that side of you too Mia. There’s nothing in your closest that could ever change that.’

‘Nor me for you.’

‘Then we both agree to be more honest with each other about our feelings?’

‘Yes,’ I nodded and smiled at him. ‘So I’m done. Your turn.’

‘We’ve already covered some of them, the communication issues and if you’re with him you’re never alone, but whoever you’re with I want to know where you are.’

‘We discussed that last part before Gabe, what if I’m doing something as a surprise for you and telling you my location gives it away.’

‘Then you tell me who you’re with and that you can’t tell me where, but you keep in regular contact with me.’

‘Easy as that?’

‘Easy as that.’

‘Ok. What else is on your list?’

‘Three things.’

‘Now it’s my turn to be surprised, I thought there’d be more.’

‘Like you I’m trying to be reasonable and only come up with things that could cause a serious problem for me, or for us.’

‘Ok, hit me with them.’ I scooted further up into the corner of the sofa and took a deep breath wondering what was coming.

‘Your safety. You’ll take self-defence classes and not skip any of them and you won’t put yourself in vulnerable situations like wandering around in the dark on your own, or running alone, skipping out on me without telling me, or…’

‘Deal,’ I interrupted.

‘Seriously? I hadn’t finished the long list of situations. It’s a very long list Mia.’

‘You don’t need to Gabe. When I was in that car park the other night and heard that fight I was so scared, but I was more scared about what was happening to you than what might happen to me, so I get it. I won’t put you in a position where you are made to feel like that again because I hated it.’

‘Thank you and I’m going to remind you that this is a serious deal breaker for me.’

‘I know, I’ve got it,’ I nodded. ‘I’ve always had freedom to do what I wanted Gabe, but I’m not single anymore and I need to consider how my actions affect you. I’ll be careful from now on.’

‘Thank you,’ he gave me a quick smile that turned into a serious face as he chewed his bottom lip.

‘You’re looking nervous,’ I observed.

‘I am. I’m worried that if I bring up these last two items we may not agree and I don’t want to think what that could mean for us.’ He huffed out a deep breath and rubbed his hand over his mouth and I felt my stomach twist and my heart start to race.

‘Marriage and children?’ I whispered.

‘Yes,’ he said quietly, avoiding eye contact.

‘They’re your two final deal breakers?’

‘Yes.’

‘You need an answer right now?’ I could hear my voice trembling.

‘I need to know that you’re serious about your therapy and trying to get there Mia.’ He lifted his head to look at me and I could see the fear in his eyes.

‘I obviously have an irrational fear of marriage Gabe and I’m trying to work on that, because I want to make you happy, so as long as there’s not a short time frame on me getting there then yes, I’m serious about dealing with my issues.’

‘That’s all I needed to know, thank you,’ he sighed with relief.

‘But the children thing I …’ I stalled and looked down at my knotted fingers.

‘I just need to know that you’re willing to work on those issues too Mia. Having a family with you is important to me, I want to be a Dad.’

‘I know that Gabe, but even if I get over my concerns I’m … I’m not equipped to give you what you want.’

‘You don’t know that until you try the IVF Mia.’

‘But what if I do and it all fails? Even if I could handle having a child in our relationship, I couldn’t handle you going through with a surrogate pregnancy with someone else’s eggs. Would you leave me if I couldn’t give you a child?’

‘I can’t answer that Mia, we can’t map out our entire future right now. I just need to know that you’re going to try and work with me on this by having the therapy. That’s all I’m asking. I just want you to try and resolve these concerns you have. I’ve already promised you that if we had kids and it didn’t work out with us, I’d never treat them the way your Dad has you. They’d be the most important thing in my life if I didn’t have you.’

‘
Gabe,
’ I sighed and covered my face. I thought I’d prepared for this but right now I was terrified. I
was
prepared to deal with my issues, but my ability to give him a child was out of my control and he was telling me he wasn’t sure if he could stay with me without one. I felt him move up next to me and he clutched me to his chest. I could feel his heart racing as fast as mine was.

‘Mia people and plans change, all the time. We’re just putting pins on the map of our future, places we want to go to, but things will always get in the way. As long as I know we’re trying to get to our final destination that’s good enough for me. We’ll deal with any road block, detour or crisis that may hit us along the way as it occurs. Ok baby?’

‘Ok,’ I nodded as I felt my eyes well up. ‘One last condition that I’ve just thought of,’ I mumbled against his firm chest.

‘Name it.’

‘I’ve let you into my heart Gabe Austin, which is still pretty fragile. If you do ever want to leave me you tell me, and you give me a proper reason. You don’t just walk out on me with no explanation like my dad did. I’ll want to know why or I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust a man or fall in love ever again.’ I wiped some tears away and placed my hand over his heart.

‘I promise Mia and I’m going to ask the same in return, you have the capacity to completely shatter me, but I don’t want to get to the stage where it comes as a surprise that you’re telling me you want to leave. That’s why you talk to me if you’re unhappy ok?’ he whispered as he kissed my hair softly.

‘Ok.’

‘So we’re agreed, we’re doing this, a serious committed and honest relationship?’ he asked as he tipped my chin up to hold my gaze.

‘Agreed.’

‘Holy shit,’ he sighed. ‘This has all been a bit tense and
in
tense.’

‘It has, but I feel better now our cards are on the table.’

‘So what now?’

‘Can we just cuddle and not talk for a while. I’m all talked out.’

‘Thank God,’ he laughed. ‘I’m turning into a bloody woman tonight, talking about my feelings and all the “where is this relationship going?” stuff.’

‘That’s another condition,
please
don’t turn into a woman. One of Mum’s friends came home early one day to find her husband in one of her dresses, stockings and suspenders and a pair of high heels. Turns out he was a closet transvestite and his wife was a mess. I’m not sure I could handle you in a dress.’

‘Never,’ he chuckled. ‘I’m all man baby.’

‘Yes you are,’ I sighed as I snuggled down on his chest. ‘If you were Justin Timberlake, you’d have to change your name to Justin Trousersnake, that’s how much man you are.’

‘Justin Trousersnake?’ he laughed.

‘You’re hung,’ I shrugged. ‘And you’re not just all man, you’re
my
man, my engine.’

‘And you’re
my
girl, my forever.’ He planted a firm kiss on my head and I responded with one on his throat. He put the radio on and I twisted around so he could curl around me, his chest against my back, holding me so tightly, as if he were worried if he let me go I’d run again after such a heavy emotional evening. We just lay there for ages, his arms around me and my hands covering his as we watched the fire crackling. I felt the remaining tension draining away, confident that we were going to make this work. We both wanted it to so badly, there was no reason it shouldn’t.

‘Gabe?’ I asked eventually.

‘Yes?’

‘Can we make out if we can’t have sex?’ I asked as I kissed his forearm. He said nothing, but relaxed his hold on me and I wriggled around to look up at him as he gazed softly down at me. I parted my lips and inhaled slowly as I took in his features, imagining how good I was going to feel in a few seconds as those lips met mine.

‘How did I get you baby? You’re so beautiful, inside and out,’ he sighed as he clasped my face, rubbing his index finger up and down my cheek.

‘You have that the wrong away around Gabe, I look at you every day and wonder how I got you. You’re so out of my league.’

‘Don’t do that, don’t put yourself down. You’re stunning, intelligent, strong minded, witty and so loving Mia, any guy would be lucky to have you, but you’re all mine and that’s never going to change baby, I’m in this for life,’ he stated with a firm nod of his head. I melted in his arms as he came towards me, still firmly holding my face, as if anyone would turn away from him. I let out a little sigh as he kissed me so softly, again and again, covering every inch of my lips before finally sinking his tongue into my mouth and groaning as my hand snuck up to caress the back of his neck. My core clenched and my nipples hardened, readying myself for him, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He’d made it clear that he wasn’t going to give in until he decided the time was right, so I just enjoyed my body’s response to him and gave back as good as I got until he finally broke away and sighed heavily.

‘Ok, I need a break or you’ll make me come. I’m on the verge of exploding here,’ he smiled as he looked at me with his eyes glazed over.

‘Hmmm,’ I sighed in a daze and lay my head on his chest and fell asleep in his arms, something I’d dreamed about every night we’d been apart.

I stretched out in my own bed, still finding waking in pyjamas odd, but it was the only way Gabe and I could cope with sleeping together, to see him naked would be just too hard. He was asleep in his joggers and a loose t-shirt, as had become his habit for the last week. We’d done
lots
of kissing, talking and studying and he swore he was already starting to feel better after his daily sessions with Dr Jarvis and with the medications starting to kick in. His swimming was also improving, but I was still worried that he was putting too much pressure on himself. We’d been scouring the Antiques markets and had found our unit and dresser to be sanded down to put in our new bathroom and had ordered the light fittings for the electrician. All that remained for the house was artwork and the odd accessory.

It was already Friday and we’d decided to skip our final lectures of the term to go to my parents. I was going to drive Gabe’s car for him, as he still wasn’t up for doing long journeys himself. Short sharp bursts of activity his right shoulder could just about handle, long sessions of elevation left him in agony. Doug was taking Lexi separately, so she could settle him at the B&B, giving Mum and Gerry a chance to meet Gabe on his own. I got up and left him sleeping, he’d said he’d hardly slept himself while we were apart, but since we’d been sharing a bed again he was out before me and woke up after me. I hopped in the shower, washed my hair and started to soap up and tensed up to feel him behind me. We’d not been naked with each other for thirteen days, not that I’d been counting. What was he up to? He reached around me and grabbed the body wash as he kissed my neck and poured some into his hands. I watched as he replaced it on the shelf and rubbed his hands together lathering up and I held my breath as he started to soap my shoulders.

‘Good morning baby,’ he whispered, kissing my ear.

‘Morning,’ I replied breathlessly, confused.

‘Relax, I just wanted to wash you, nothing else,’ he murmured against my neck. I was disappointed, the feel of his erection brushing my naked backside had led me to believe we were finally going to do more.

‘How much longer?’ I sighed, frustrated.

‘I’ll know when, I’m sorry this is so hard for you Mia, but you need to believe that I’m not just with you for sex. I could get it anywhere, anytime I wanted and I don’t. I choose to be in a relationship with you, with or without sex, because you’re all I want.’

‘Fine, then please stop teasing me,’ I moaned as his hands skimmed over my stiff nipples.

‘Just enjoy me touching you without an orgasm Mia, I love just appreciating your body,’ he murmured as his hands moved down to my hips and stomach. ‘It’s perfect, the texture of your skin, each curve, each swell. God, you’re so beautiful.’

‘Stop talking,
please
,’ I begged. I could hear the lust in his voice, which only served to stimulate mine. ‘You can carry on, silently, on the condition I’m allowed to appreciate yours after,’ I conceded as I lifted my arms up, back behind his head, stretching my body against his and twisted my head to kiss him, grateful his black eye and jaw bruise had finally gone.

‘Deal,’ he mumbled. I gave into the pleasure of feeling his hands on my thighs, back and buttocks and turned around to wash his sculpted chest and stomach and bit my lip as I looked at his perfect penis, erect and curving up and resisted touching it as I kneeled to do his thighs and calves. I looked up at him to see a familiar fire in his eyes and ordered him to turn around as I worked my way back up and washed his hair for him. I heard him let out a little groan as I massaged his scalp. He loved me doing that, and I loved doing it for him.

‘So, are we having breakfast and then heading straight down? We could stop for some lunch at a nice place on the outskirts of town. Mum was hoping we’d stay in tonight, she’s cooking for us all.’

‘Sounds perfect.’

‘We can go and look around the town tomorrow and go out clubbing Saturday night. Some of our friends from Rowleys are coming out to meet us, they’re going to be so jealous to see I’ve managed to pull a horn monster like you,’ I grinned happily as rinsed his hair.

‘A horn monster?’ he laughed.

‘You’re the hottest, sexist man alive Gabe Austin and I plan on letting everyone know you’re mine this weekend.’

‘I
am
yours baby,’ he purred happily as he turned and took me in his arms. ‘Just like you’re mine.’

‘Hmmm,’ I sighed, taking in the sight of his wet naked chest.

‘Right, shift that gorgeous wet arse, I’m at breaking point here. I’ll go and cook breakfast for the four of us while you finish packing ok,’ he commanded with a resonating slap to my backside before winking and hopping out. By the time I was dried and dressed I could smell the bacon sizzling and quickly packed the remainder of my toiletries and headed into the kitchen to join the three of them.

It was a little after five when I turned down the narrow country lane, lined by an old dry stone wall that led to Mum’s house. As I pulled into the gravel drive, the security light lit up the oak framed cottage and I looked over at Gabe to see where he wanted me to park his car up.

‘Leave it by the door for the cases and I’ll move it after,’ he smiled, giving my hand on the gearstick a squeeze. ‘You did well with the drive.’

‘That’s the furthest I’ve ever gone. So are you feeling nervous?’ I teased.

‘A little,’ he nodded.

‘Really? I wasn’t being serious, you’re always so confident.’

‘It’s your Mum and Dad Mia, if they don’t like me we’re screwed.’

‘Mum already loves you.’

‘Well yes, but that was a quick meet when I knocked your door and from a few phone calls.’

‘A few?’ I exclaimed.

‘Yes,’ he replied sheepishly. I narrowed my eyes as I looked at him and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and went a little red.

‘Why have you been ringing her?’

‘Look, they’re at the door waiting for us. We’d better go in,’ he replied relieved as he hopped out. I leapt out, not giving him a chance to come and open my door for me.

‘Mum,’ I cried out as I ran to her and threw my arms around her. I hadn’t seen her since leaving in September, I’d missed her so much. We hugged each other tightly before she let me go and clasped my face and looked at me.

‘Look at you sweetheart, you look so happy.’

‘I am Mum, really happy.’ I turned to give Gerry a hug and kiss and turned around to look at Gabe, who for once looked totally lost. I wondered if he’d ever done this, if this was this a first for him, meeting the parents.

‘Mum, Dad I’d like you to meet my boyfriend Gabe,’ I announced. He stepped forwards to shake hands with Mum who laughed and grabbed him into a bear hug.

‘Lovely to meet you properly this time Gabe.’

‘You too Mrs Page,’ he replied as he regained his composure and kissed her on both cheeks before turning to shake hands with Gerry. ‘Mr Page,’ he nodded. ‘Thank you both for allowing me to stay.’

‘In the spare room,’ reminded Gerry and Mum rolled her eyes and gave me a wink making me laugh.

‘Right Gabe, let me give you a hand with the cases,’ Gerry smiled.

‘Don’t worry Sir, I can handle them.’

‘Less of the Mr and Mrs Page and Sir, call us Gerry and Jacqui,’ he replied with a warm smile. Calling Gerry “Sir” would have just earned Gabe some major brownie points. ‘I’ll help with the bags, I understand that you’ve just had major shoulder surgery? I don’t want you overdoing it, besides it will give us a chance to chat.’

I shot a look at Mum, but she just smiled, took my hand and pulled me inside. I looked back over my shoulder and mouthed ‘
Sorry’
at Gabe, who looked at me totally thrown.

‘Ok Mum what’s going on?’ I asked as she took me into our large open plan kitchen diner and parked me at the island.

‘You’ve never been this serious about a boy before Mia, Gerry’s just going to have a chat with him and make sure he treats you right.’

‘Mum,’ I protested.

‘You’re his little girl Mia, well as good as, he’s looked after you since you were three and you even changed your surname to his. He feels very protective towards you. So how are you? You’ve lost weight.’

‘I’m fine Mum, I’ve just been exercising a lot so I’ve toned up.’

‘Exercising? Is that what they’re calling it nowadays?’ she winked as she put the kettle on and I blushed. ‘I’ve done a big coq au vin with mash and savoy cabbage for dinner, so if you let Lexi know to bring Doug over for eight. It gives us a chance to chat to you and Gabe first.’

‘So where is he?’ I asked, surveying the room nervously.

‘Mr Biggles? I left him in the lounge, you know how excited he gets with visitors coming and he knows something’s going on as I’ve been cleaning all the bedrooms.’

‘Can we leave him in the utility? You know he hates me.’

‘The utility?’ She looked at me mortified. ‘
Mia,
how could you? This is a much his home as yours. What does Gabe drink?’

‘At this time of the day a cup of tea, no sugar. Let me make it.’

‘No, you’ve had a long drive so just relax, I’ll do it when they’re done talking. How’s he doing now?’

‘His shoulder’s coming on really well,’ I nodded. No way was I telling her of his other issues, I still had to find the right time to tell her that I’d had an operation and about my fertility issues, and that wasn’t going to go down well at all. We chatted about how my lectures were going and I got one in return on putting more effort in. About twenty minutes later the men appeared, laughing, Gerry with his hand on the back of Gabe’s shoulder and I let out a sigh of relief, I could tell that he liked him.

‘You picked a good one here Mia,’ smiled Gerry confirming my assessment and he kissed the top of my head as I beamed.

‘I think so, but he picked me Gerry.’

I raised my eyebrow at Gabe as I flicked my head in Gerry’s direction, but he just grabbed my hand and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to know what they’d been talking about for so long.

‘Let’s go in the lounge, we’ve got a nice fire going and Mr Biggles will be wondering what’s going on,’ suggested Mum.

‘Mr Biggles?’ asked Gabe looking surprised.

‘The Yorkshire terrier, Mum’s baby,’ I confirmed. ‘I
hate
him,’ I added in a whisper.

‘I heard that Mia, I told you he feeds off your hostility. He’s not nipped anyone since you’ve been away.’

I sighed and shook my head and we headed into the lounge where the log burner was chucking out so much heat it felt like a sauna. Within seconds the little bugger had bitten my ankle and I cursed, jumped onto the sofa and pulled my feet up and out of the way. I watched amazed as Gabe sat next to me and Mr Biggles sat at his feet wagging his tail, then rolled onto his back for a tummy tickle.

‘I told you, he hates me,’ I moaned as Gabe chuckled and put his arm around me and kissed my temple. Mum and Gerry sat on the opposite sofa and I saw her smile as she studied us, making me blush.

‘So Gabe, what are you studying at Uni?’ asked Gerry.

I put my head on Gabe’s shoulder as they chatted and I realised how odd this was for all of us, Kai had only ever been in the hall when he’d come to pick me up. No boyfriend had ever made it this far into the house, and I don’t think Mum and Gerry had ever seen me hold a boys hand, let alone snuggle up to, or kiss one. I texted Lexi to ask her to arrive at eight and Gerry opened some champagne, which we sipped while we all chatted awaiting their arrival, before settling down to dinner. I kept catching Mum smiling as she looked at the four of us. Doug seemed to be going down well with them both too, but with their public school manners it was hard for anyone not to like them. Lexi was beaming, she’d missed my parents as much as me. We stayed at the dining table sharing tales of Lexi and I growing up, which made us cringe and the boys laugh. When I started yawning at eleven Gabe suggested we should head to bed. Doug said his goodbyes and we arranged to pick him up at ten and I chuckled as we headed upstairs accompanied by Gerry. He took Gabe to the spare room next to the master suite.

‘I’m sure you’ll be comfy in here Gabe, the bathroom’s that door opposite the stairs,’ he indicated as he loitered.

‘Dad, I’d like to say goodnight to him.’ I gave him a look. ‘
In private
.’

‘O right, well don’t be too long, you look tired sweetheart.’ He kissed my forehead and gave me a warning look, before shaking Gabe’s hand and giving Lexi a kiss and heading down.

‘God I thought he was going to sleep in a camp bed outside Gabe’s room to make sure he wasn’t coming out,’ giggled Lexi. ‘Have you checked for a trip wire linked to the alarm?’

‘I wouldn’t put it past him,’ I laughed.

‘Right, night you two, see you in the morning.’ She kissed us both and headed into her room, on the opposite side of the house, next to mine.

‘Alone at last,’ I smiled as I put my arms around Gabe’s neck. ‘Mum and Gerry don’t go to bed late, so give it about half an hour after they’ve crashed and you can sneak into mine.’

‘Christ I feel like James Bond or something, secret mission accepted Miss Page,’ he replied giving me a quick peck on the lips.

‘Hmmm, we need to play out that fantasy one night, me tied up and you coming in to rescue me in your tuxedo.’