Love Made Me Do It (2 page)

CH.9                            Getting Back to Him                                                        PG 71

CH.10                             The Roommate                                                                      PG 77

CH.11                            Neighbors                                                                       PG 83

CH.12                            Love Thy Neighbor, Like You Love Thy Self                            PG 88

CH.13                            Juggling Acts                                                                      PG 93

CH.14                            Life Was Good                                                                      PG 103

CH.15                            Drugs & Love                                                                      PG 108

CH.16                            Too Much Time On Our Hands                                          PG 113

CH.17                            It’s All About Drugs                                                        PG 122

CH.18                            Back to Work                                                                      PG 130

CH.19                            Moving Around                                                                      PG 136

CH.20                            Now What?                                                                      PG 143

CH 21                            Moving On                                                                      PG 151

CH.22                            I Only Know That This is Hell                                                         PG 161

CH.23                            Big Mama’s Day Care                                                        PG 169

CH.24                             He Moved                                                                      PG 173             

CH.25                            Surprises                                                                                    PG 181

CH.26                            Transients                                                                      PG 195

CH.27                            Jail Time                                                                                    PG 206

CH.28                            Dope Dealers                                                                       PG 212

CH.29                            Vegas                                                                                     PG 220

CH.30                            In-Laws                                                                                     PG 236

CH.31                            Clark County Detention Center                                           PG 247

CH.32                            Rehab                                                                                    PG 262

CH.33                            Battling Demons                                                                       PG 271

CH.34                            On the Run                                                                      PG 283

CH.35                            The Fish Tank                                                                      PG 304

CH.36                            The Rules                                                                      PG 320

CH.37                            The Butterfly Doors                                                        PG 331

CH.38                            The Aftermath                                                                      PG 337

CH.39                            Home Sweet Home                                                                      PG 348

                           
A letter to myself              
                                                        PG 356

                            Domestic Violence Awareness                                          PG 359

Chapter 1

LOVE AT FIRT SIGHT

I’ll never forget the night that I fell in love. There is just something wonderful about being in love. I was not prepared to experience love at first site. This night was like no other, I met the man that I would spend the next 10 years with.  Go to the bottom with, but never make it to the top with. I would be shown the depths of hell, and realize the limits that love should have. 

We met on October 22nd 1999.  I loved him instantly, smitten by his charm, and his sarcastic sense of humor.  But at that time I didn't know what I would be sacrificing. I didn't know that my freedom, sanity, and my life would be put on the line.  Willingly, I put him before all others.  There was no forewarning that our ideas of love were polar opposites.   Looking back I believe that it was all worth it, if I save someone else from making similar mistakes.  Allow my story to give you not only a choice but a voice... I lived thru the abuse, the drugs, the incarceration and the ultimate betrayal.  Initially, I wanted to experience the greatest love of my life.  However, I experienced something much better.  I learned how to survive and keep going. 

Our 1st encounter was a little out of the ordinary.  I was practicing for my driver’s license test, with a friend of mine.  But we took a detour.  This detour delivered me to my lovers door step.  His brother answered the door, invited us to come in and make ourselves comfortable.  His brother disappeared into a back room.  I overheard him say, “Blood, wake-up there is some fine light skin girl in the living room with an S Curl.” I tried hard not to laugh.  I was curious to see who would come out of the back room.

What an entrance he made.  He was tall and handsome with a big smile plastered on his face.  He looked me up and down.  Then looked at the engagement ring on my finger and started laughing. He started singing…. “Engage me baby, crescent jeweler baby.”  “Whoever gave you that ring should be ashamed of their self.”  I tried not to laugh, as I glanced down at my hand. He was right my fiancé should have been ashamed of his self. For many reasons not just the size of my ring. He broke the ice with his jokes and he had my attention. 

We mingled; me and him and his brother and my girlfriend.  We laughed, drank and talked shit. I was young, wild and carefree, and open to any possibility that could bring happiness. We moved into the dining room and played dominoes. I sat across from him and I remember being nervous.  He never took his eyes off of me.  Usually, I am never nervous and very clever, with plenty to say. I kept trying to search for the right words. So I blurted out, “This isn’t an S Curl by the way.”

Right at that moment no-one else seemed to be in the room.  That must be the moment I fell in love. He laughed at my outburst. We joked like we knew each other for years.  That familiarity pulled me in and turned me on.  It seemed like we sat there forever.  Flirting & laughing.  I wanted to touch him.  Our feet kept touching under the table making me wonder if his skin was soft. There was definitely sexual chemistry in the air. With no warning, I slid my foot up his pant leg.  His skin felt soft.  He looked surprised at how forward I was.  I just smiled and kept on playing. 

I’ve always been the type to get my way. I’ve always been the type to seek instant gratification, tonight was no different. I had no concerns or desire to go home.  My only desire was to kiss him and feel his body next to mine. As the night carried on, he made it clear that he desired the same from me.

I followed him into his bedroom.  He kissed me and held me. I moaned and kissed him back.  When our lips parted I asked him a simple question.  “Do you practice safe sex?”  “Yeah”  “Well let’s practice some.” My lover pleased me.  The sexual gratification was overwhelming at first.  My body had never experience multiple orgasms.  My fiancé had never made me feel like this.  I knew that this was more than just a one night stand.  Chemistry has an ability to change lives and I wanted it to change mine.  I had every intention on being with him. Unfortunately, I still had some other unfinished business to tend to.  My fiancé.

I left my lovers place in the wee hours of the morning.  I could barely talk.  All I could do was giggle. During the drive back to my house, panic started to kick in. I had some serious explaining to do as to where I had been. I was relieved to see that no one was home. I saw a note on the fridge “I stepped out, don’t wait up.”  Which wasn’t unusual, at least he left a note this time.

So my girlfriend and I relished in our escapades of the night before. As apprehensive as I was to share, I did what we all do with our friends. I dished the details.  In great detail I told her how many times, he made me say yes please.  I told her that I begged him not to stop and he complied. 

My heart pounded as I retold my conquest. She was hanging on my every word.  So was my fiancé. When I finished my story he exposed his hiding place.  My pantry door slid open.  My fiancé, was toting his bible, and smoking a Newport.  There was a deadly silence in the room.  There was nothing that I could say, that would make this situation better.  I was exposed.  My girlfriend lunged for the door.  He stopped her and made her sit down.  He grabbed me and threw me down.  I knew better than to get back up.  There would be no point I was powerless against him. 

My fiancé stayed quiet for a moment.  Before he demanded that we take him to the liquor store.  He drank until he passed out.  The coast was clear.  My girlfriend was free to leave and so was I.  I stepped over my fiancé’s limp body and dialed my lover’s number.  I need him to come and get me before round two started. 

I jumped in his car.  I didn’t even look back.  I slid down in the passenger seat, terrified that my fiancé would see us.  No words were spoken on the drive back to his house.  I was at a loss for words.  Thankfully it was a short ride to my lover’s house.  The look on my face must have spoken volumes.  “You can lie down if you want.” “You look exhausted.” I smiled and nodded. He snuggled up next to me.  I readjusted my position so that I could lie on his chest. I felt so safe in his arms.  I inhaled.  This felt right.  This is where I wanted to be.

I loved the way he felt, and the way he smelled.  How his bottom lip was tucked under his top lip ever so slightly.  He slept and I tried to sleep.  I had too many things on my mind.  Then I gave up and just watched him. It was serene.  I needed that serenity. 

I woke him up a few hours later and asked him to take me home.  I could tell that he didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to leave him.  But I needed to go home and deal with my fiancé. Unlocking my front door was terrifying.  Especially, since I had no idea what would be on the other side. 

My fiancé was wide awake. He looked at me with so much disgust.  The anger that was on his face paralyzed me.  He bombarded me with questions, “Is he bigger than me?” “Did you like it?” “Did you kiss him?” “Did you suck his dick?”  I tried to remain silent. How was I supposed to answer those questions?  This was too much.

I know I was wrong.  But I was also aware that our relationship was not perfect.  He continued to drill me.  Finally I gave in. “Yes, he made me climb the walls!”  “That’s what you wanted to hear right?” “He has everything you don’t have.”  “Now leave me alone before I really hurt your feelings.”

My fiancé started to cry. So I shut up. I said enough.  The damage was done.  Although I was at fault, I would not allow him to continue this physical and verbal abuse. Finally, he stopped talking.  My house had become a war zone.  I was walking on egg shells around him.  Too scared to talk to him or even look in his direction.  I knew that if I said the wrong word.  He would hurt me.  The days and nights flew by.  I hadn’t had one opportunity to talk to my lover.  That was killing me. 

I thought about him every day.  Nevertheless, I never felt that it was safe to call him.  My fiancé was watching me like a hawk.  Until I just couldn’t take the separation anymore.  My lover had my attention.  Hell, he had my heart.  I started calling him from work, the BART Station, even payphones at the grocery store.

I met up with my lover on several occasions.  Meeting up with him was definitely dangerous.  But it was worth it just to see his face.  Ironically, on the days that we did have an opportunity to see one another, my fiancé would inspect me. He would look to see if the back of my hair was matted down.  He even wanted to inspect my panties.  But what he really wanted; was for me to tell him what he already knew.  My cheating was evident and obviously much more than just sex. I was happy with my lover and miserable with my fiancé. My lover invaded every inch of my being.  My soul.  My thoughts. He gave life to me.

I spent countless hours mapping out, how I could see him without getting the shit beat out of me.  I was home alone and didn’t have a clue where my fiancé went.  The timing couldn’t be any more perfect.  I called my lover and suggested that we have movie night.  “I’m already dressed.” “I’ll meet you out front in 10 minutes.”  That was all that needed to be said.  I walked to the front of my complex and waited for my lover to pull up.  I surveyed the area. I didn’t see my fiancé or anything suspicious.  Finally, I would have the opportunity to relax. 

I heard my lovers car, before I seen it turn the corner.  I stood closer to the curb and he pulled up and opened up my door.  As soon as I sat down, my fiancé leaped out of yet another hiding place.  The bushes.  He wanted to fight me.  Instead, my lover was ready to fight him.  I was caught up, between my past and my future.

Violence wouldn’t solve this situation.  I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.  I told my lover that I would be okay.  I wanted to do whatever it took for my fiancé, to thoroughly understand that it was over.  We needed to have a heart to heart.  I needed to be honest about my feelings.  He was belligerent and loud.  I was ushered into the house.  This was not going to go well. 

He hit me so hard in my throat that I gasped for air. Once again I was down on the ground.  But this time I got back up.  He put me in a backwards choke hold.  Covering, my nose and mouth.  He pinned me down to the ground.  With his body weight anchoring me down, I started feeling dizzy.  If I didn’t get away, he was going to kill me.  The thought of dying gave me the strength I needed.

I managed to reach the front door.  He was right behind me. He grabbed the back of my shirt, making it rip from my body.  But that didn’t stop me.  I pushed thru the darkness like the devil was on my heels. I was calling out for help.  A neighbor heard me and let me in. “Please, let me use your phone!”

I was half naked from the waist up and out of breath.  I covered up my chest and dialed my lover’s number.  He answered. “Please bring me a tee shirt and meet me in the back.”  A few minutes later, my lover was there.  He hugged and held me.  “Are you ok?”  “I am now.” 

My lover made me feel so comfortable.  He never asked what happened.  But I’m sure he knew.  I was thankful that he came and saved me.  I didn’t have any concerns about my fiancé finding me.  We ordered pizza and put in a movie.  I was trying to put everything out of my head and relax.

Then the phone rang, and rang, and rang a few more times. I loved the fact that he was so into me and not his phone. Then that damn phone rang one more time.  This was the ring that was heard around the world.

He jumped up to go get it.  He listened for a moment, and then waved me to the phone.  All I heard was my ex’s slurred speech thru what sounded like spit bubbles. “Do you love her?”  “Are you with her right now?”  Then he yelled “give me back my girl!”

I wanted to laugh.  Then I wanted to cry. I took the phone and hung it up. It commenced to ringing while we made love.  I didn’t want my fiancé anymore.  I had lost interest.  He would just have to deal with it.  It was okay when he cheated.  But not when I did?  How ironic.

Do I attempt to rectify my relationship?  Or do I further indulge in the possibility of a forever situation with my lover? I had a decision that needed to be made. I wouldn’t be able to rest easy knowing that I was leaving so many loose ends. I decided the best thing to do was to figure out if my relationship could be fixed. If it couldn’t, then I needed to end it properly. So I stopped everything.

I stopped calling my lover.  I stopped seeing my lover, and I stopped all my emotions towards my lover. I went back to a mediocre existence. I worked and came home.  My main focus point was repairing my relationship.  My fiancé really tried to play his part too. He got a job, made some better friends and curbed his alcohol intake. I loved him enough to give him this opportunity.  But truthfully I was scared of him.  I was scared that if I did anything wrong he might kill me.

Although our mission to reconnect had been a mutual goal, something was missing.  There was no love. That had been replaced with fear.  It was a complacent existence.  I was just going along, so that no one would be hurt. Physically or mentally. I did my best to play nice, but every second I dreamed of my lover coming to rescue me.

Months went by and I continued to ignore calls and pages from my lover.  Until, right before New Year’s Eve 1999.  Our house phone rang with a call from an unknown caller.  I picked up and I heard is voice.  “Can you talk?”  “I can’t stop thinking about you.” I gasped for air, with my heart pounding.  I replied. “I’ll call you later.”  It was back on.  I was going to make sure, that it had a better beginning than before.