Love Me for Me (18 page)

“I love you, Serena.” I cast a sidelong glance at him.

“Why?” I still couldn’t quite believe it. This beautiful, scarred man was just too good to be true.

As I watched, his lips quirked up in amusement. He squeezed my hand, then returned his grip to the steering wheel.

“I just do. Get used to it.”

***

“Should we go to the hospital or your house?” I’d fallen silent again as we’d entered Lodenville. If I had been driving, I might very well have turned around and driven straight back to campus.

To the naked eye, nothing in town had changed. To me, though, it felt like I had entered Wonderland, where everything was upside down and backwards.

“The hospital.” I had absolutely no desire to go back to the house, where it had all happened. Alex followed my directions, and long before I was ready we pulled into the hospital parking lot.

Which brought up another question.

“I... we can’t stay at the house.” The words escaped my mouth in a rush as Alex parked the car in a spot at the back of the hospital lot. My nails dug into the palms of my hands. “I’m sorry. I should have said that before... I’ll pay for a room at a motel. But we can’t stay there.”

I wondered if Alex would guess then, if he would understand why I wouldn’t—couldn’t—stay in my old house, my old room. Whether he did or not, he simply nodded.

“Let’s go in. While you see your mom, I’ll find something close and book a room. Okay?”

I nodded, the movement a bit frantic. Focusing on trying to control my ragged breath, I smoothed my palms over the thighs of my jeans.

Alex reached over and twined his fingers in one of mine briefly before opening the door. It was a quick, subtle but strong reminder that I didn’t have to do this alone.

Oh, but he didn’t fully understand. He knew this would be hard for me, but he had no idea
how
hard.

The smell of the hospital hit me first, the sterile antiseptic not quite able to cover the scent of sickness. The fluorescent lights cast everything in a sickly pallor, and when I looked down at my hands they looked the color of wheat, laced through with amethyst and emerald veins, looking like they belonged to someone else.

“Felicity Baker?” I asked the woman at the front desk quietly. She looked over plastic rimmed glasses that were too large for her face and pinched her lips together as if about to give me a lecture.

Then recognition dawned, and she gave me one of those sympathetic half smiles that people do when they’re trying to be sympathetic, the ones that instead crawl under your skin like a million tiny spiders.

“Serena, honey. Of course. I didn’t recognize you at first.” I didn’t recognize her at all, but I didn’t doubt that she knew me. Lodenville was a small town, and I had been a wild teen.

It was also easy to believe that she hadn’t recognized me. When I’d left Lodenville for college I’d been fifty pounds heavier, amongst other things.

The woman pursed her lips as she tapped on her computer screen. Her face lit up when she found what she was looking for.

“Unit C, room 4.” She scribbled the information on a sticky note and passed it across the counter to me. “She’ll be right glad to see you.”

I thanked the woman with tight lips, then turned the way she’d gestured. I could feel Alex behind me, a solid, warm presence that seemed incredibly out of place in this reality.

“If she’ll be glad to see me, I suppose that means she’s awake.” Alex didn’t reply, just took my hand again, supporting me as we wound down the narrow corridor.

My stomach clenched as we approached the outside of the room. I was here because I was Felicity’s daughter, but that didn’t make our last conversation any more pleasant. Also, I didn’t have any idea what I was walking into, since Bob hadn’t offered any more information, and I sure hadn’t asked.

I could see her through the door, lying in her hospital bed. From outside the room it was difficult to see anything in the dim room.

“I should... ah... probably do this alone.” I turned to Alex, offered him a tight smile. Just as I’d known, it was uncomfortable having him there.

But it was also good. I wasn’t alone.

“I’ll look for a room.” He waved his phone at me, and I nodded. He pointed at a chair set against the wall, about halfway down the hall. “I’ll be right here.”

I watched him for a moment as he walked away, marvelling again at how this tall, gorgeous boy could belong to me.

Then, bracing me, I entered my mom’s room.

A quick glance around told me that she was alone, and I exhaled a breath that I hadn’t known I was holding. Able to let that worry go, I crept to the side of the bed and looked down at my mother, my teeth worrying my lower lip.

“Felicity?” I whispered, not sure if she was asleep or not. It was strange, seeing her this way, pale and somewhat vulnerable.

It was the way I felt around her most of the time.

Shifting at the sound of my voice, Felicity propped herself up on her elbows, squinting up at me. Realizing that she probably didn’t have her contacts in, I looked around for her glasses, found them sitting on the moveable tray, and handed them to her wordlessly.

“Serena?” Felicity slid the glasses onto her nose and looked up at me, puzzled. “What on earth are you doing here?”

Her words were like a knife to my skin. I felt my face twist with hurt, and did my best to smooth it out.

“You were in a car accident. Of course I’m here.” My words were clipped, short, and for once Felicity picked up on the nuance.

She reached out for my hand, laid hers overtop of it. I fought through the urge to pull away, since it had been a very long time since she’d reached out to me like that.

“I’m glad you came, Serena. I’m sorry if it didn’t sound like that.” While she spoke, my eyes scanned her body, searching for reasons that she would be in the hospital.

I saw nothing, but then, I wasn’t a doctor.

My confusion only deepened with her next words.

“I just don’t understand why you’d come all that way for something like this, when you’ve been so dead set against coming home.” My knee jerk reaction was to say that Lodenville wasn’t my home, hadn’t been my home since I was fifteen, but I figured it might be inappropriate, given the circumstances.

“Bob texted me. He told me you’d been in an accident, that I should come home.” As Felicity sat up fully, I began to see a glimmer of the truth.

Bob had exaggerated, just to see if I had come running. After so many years of having me under his thumb, he didn’t like me being out of his reach.

“Oh, that man. Always so worried about me.” Felicity smiled fondly, while inwardly I seethed.

I’d tried to find out—I’d called the hospital. But Bob had been smart enough to know that I’d come.

“So you’re all right, then?” My voice was tight, and Felicity raised an eyebrow at the tone.

“Don’t sound too happy about it, or anything.” But she waved the words off with a flick of her hand—she’d long since taught herself to ignore any emotion that came from my direction.

“I was hit in the intersection on Pine and Fifth. The other person’s car is a write off; ours is fine.” She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, and for a moment I was startled.

I did that same thing so often myself.

“I have a few scrapes and bruises, nothing serious. But I did hit my head hard enough that they wanted to monitor me for the day. Everything has gone well, and I’ll likely be discharged before bedtime.”

I swallowed thickly, then nodded.

“That’s great.” No way was I going to tell Felicity how Bob had phrased it, making sure that I came running. She would just tell him, and I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction.

Never again.

We chatted for a few more minutes, but with every second that ticked by, I became more and more aware of the likelihood that Bob would return. Finally I interrupted Felicity’s fourth recitation of exactly how the accident had happened, and, surprising myself, bent to kiss her on the cheek.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Her skin was smooth beneath my lips, and the warmth lingered after I pulled away. We stared at one another for a moment, both of us puzzled, I think, but the unexpected gesture.

“Are you—will you be staying overnight?” Felicity’s voice was stiff, but not, I thought, unfriendly.

“I think so.” I wondered if I should pretend that I had come alone, but I found that I wouldn’t mind if Bob knew that I had brought someone with me. Plus, I didn’t want to pretend anything with Alex, ever. “I brought a friend with me. I’ll need to check with him.”

I thought that Felicity would certainly have some comment about the fact that I’d come all this way with a male ‘friend’. Under normal circumstances she would have. Maybe she was still off balance from the kiss on the cheek. Whatever the reason, she nodded.

“Make sure you come to see me again before you leave.” She didn’t ask if we were staying at the house. She knew better.

“I will.” I turned before an awkward silence could stretch out between us.

Puzzled and feeling slightly off balance, I stepped out of the dim room and into the bright lights of the hallway. My eyes immediately sought out Alex. He was leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets, and I couldn’t miss the way his eyes brightened when he saw me.

As for me, my entire soul brightened at the sight of him. I went to him without reservation, folding myself into his arms for a tight hug.

“Hey.” I smiled when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head, then pulled back to look into his eyes. He was smiling back, but I could see the question over my sudden hug.

I wasn’t usually very demonstrative with affection, and I knew it.

“That bad?” I shook my head, taking a moment to draw in his smell—soap, detergent, and
him
.

“No. She’s actually fine.” My brow furrowed as I remembered Bob. “She’s going to be discharged any time now. My stepfather... ah... got a little excited.”

I couldn’t say anything else, not without saying all there was to say about Bob. I no longer wanted to keep it a secret because I thought Alex would leave me—no, it was more because I didn’t want to tarnish what we had with the dirty memories of the past.

“Well, it’s up to you. I found a room, but we could drive back tonight too.” I was tempted to agree to the latter—to run back to the safety of campus. But I could see the dark shadows beneath Alex’s eyes—he’d been up with the sun for football practice, and had been taking care of me all day.

“We’ll stay the night, and leave in the morning.” I wanted nothing more than to run, but I was slowly learning.

Running didn’t take away the problems, it just postponed them to a later date.

Back in the parking lot, as I opened the passenger’s side door, I saw a man approach the front doors of the hospital. His hair was spiky and brown, threaded through with grey, and even from a distance I could see the plaid of the quilted jacket he wore in the spring and the fall.

I froze as I laid eyes on the man I hadn’t seen for three years. My heart leapt into my throat, choking me, and I uttered a small sound that I barely heard myself.

But Alex heard.

“Serena?” He looked from me to the front doors of the hospital, but Bob was gone. I tore my eyes away from the ghost of my past, and smiled at the boy who had saved me from drowning.

“Let’s go get some sleep.”

***

I slept like the dead, waking only once. The nightmare clung to me like the sticky threads of a spider’s web, making my heart race and nausea rise up in my belly.

The smell of lavender hovered in the air.

“Ssh.” Strong arms wrapped around me, sure fingers stroked through my hair. Alex was there, chasing away the nightmares, and I wasn’t alone.

Chapter Thirteen

I was going back to the house. I couldn’t avoid it.

“This will be quick,” I promised Alex, or maybe I was promising myself. I had texted my mom, who was now home, that we were stopping by to say goodbye.

I had told her that Bob needed to be out of the house while we did.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” I wanted his strength, desperately, but the thought of Alex in that house made my skin crawl, so I shook my head.

I saw a flicker of hurt in his eyes.

“This doesn’t mean I don’t want them to meet you, Alex.” Tentatively, I reached out to brush my fingers over his cheek. He caught them in his hand and held tight. “It’s that I don’t want
you
to meet
them
.”

“That doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense, babe.” There was an undeniable thread of agitation in his voice, and I winced, knowing that I was the cause.

“Please. Just... not today, okay?” The set to Alex’s lips told me that it wasn’t okay, not at all.

I closed my eyes briefly as I hurried up the walk to the house. Was I doing the right thing, not telling him that final piece of the puzzle?

Maybe I would tell him... someday.

But not here, and not today. This was going to be hard enough as it was.

Ringing the doorbell, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and waited. There was no answer. I rang again, then knocked, the sound reverberating off the wood.

No one came.

I furrowed my brow, hesitating for a minute. I had promised Felicity that I would come say goodbye. And I
had
told her that Bob needed to be out of the house before I did.

Maybe she was sleeping.

Slowly, I placed my hand on the doorknob. This had been my home, once. Surely it was okay for me to go in.

My breath hitched as I stepped through the doorway. I quickly looked around, a habit I’d developed to quickly alert myself to the presence of a threat... a very specific threat.

I didn’t find one.

Slowly I made my way through the entryway, peeked into the living room and the kitchen, then made my way down the hall and to the staircase.

“Felicity?” I called out. There was no response. Either she hadn’t heard me, or she was actually sleeping, in their room upstairs.

I passed the downstairs bathroom. The layout of the house had always seemed somewhat backwards to me, with the staircase ending at the far end of the hall, rather than the front.