Love Me ~ Like That (17 page)

She is shaking her head before I’m even finished.

“Who are you? Guys don’t say things like that. They don’t act the way you do. Who pulls over and dances on the side of the road? Cash, I’ve read way too many romance novels, and stuff like this only happens in books.”

She is scared.

“You’re right, not all guys say the things that I do. They don’t treat women like ladies, but I am different, Bailey. Let me be the one who catches those tears for you. I can mend your broken heart because I know this kind of heartbreak. I’ve lived it. When someone has been hurt greatly, it just means they know how to love greatly.”

She lets out a long sigh. “Romance book guys are every woman’s fantasy and the fantasy is exciting, but when the covers are pulled back, what’s left? Show me something real, something tangible. I’ve had the faux fantasy with Hendrix and I know now that isn’t real. Real is more than pretty words. I don’t want someone who has to tell me they love me for me to know it. I want to know they love me because they show me. I want the real. Not the kind that is bought because the real is priceless. I want the ridiculous, the all-consuming. I need the ‘I can’t live without you’ kind of guy. That’s my real.”

“I’ll be your real,” I say then I kiss her, deeply and tenderly. She is hurt and doesn’t need me going all caveman. I intend to be her everything. She will be the first and the last thing I think about every day. She will be mine, and I’ll be her real. My job—my privilege—will be to give her moments like this and keep that beautiful smile on her face.

Journal Entry:
He wants to be my real. I poured my heart out to Cash. It was crazy for me to tell him all of that stuff, but it did feel good to finally admit it all aloud. Hendrix wasn’t my real, and I see that now. I would have never had the kind of commitment from him that I want. I’m really pissed off that I wasted so much of my time on a person who only wanted to change me. I was never good enough. He always wanted to enhance this or change that. He only loved me for what I was pretending to be. When my life changed and I could no longer be the fictitious person he was grooming me to become, he stopped loving me. Actually, he never loved me because when you love someone, you accept them for who they are, flaws and all. I feel free, I’m free from struggling to be something I am not. Love isn’t blind. Lust and infatuation is blind. That is what I had with Hendrix, infatuation. I was so obsessed with getting out of my life situation that I allowed him to shatter my self-esteem. His never realizing my worth as a person still hurts all the same, though.

Can Cash really be all the things that he’s portraying? I want to believe him. I want it all to be true.

Lizzie has always been my go-to girl. No matter what life may throw at me, Lizzie is there. We don’t always agree on everything, but this girl would go to war for me. I trust her with my life. She gives me courage to open my heart and take risks. She mother hens me to death and puts her two cents in on my life. The things I keep hidden from the rest of the world, she knows by heart. She is my footprint friend. Some friends are in your life for only a season; they come and go. Then you have those friends that leave a footprint on your heart, and you’re never the same. That’s how things are with Lizzie and me. She has her footprint on my heart. Even when she is calling me on my shit and I don’t want to hear it, I still love her. I still trust her with everything in my life.

Cash took my breath away with all of the sweet nothings he was whispering to me. My head feels all jumbled up. I need to talk through this. Too much has happened, and I have to sort it all out. My head tells me one thing, and my heart tells me something else. Then my lady parts are screaming at me, and I’m hearing them loud and clear. I think I need professional help, but instead I call Lizzie. I know it’s late, but I need her to come over. Besides, she must be dying to know what all happened. Between breaking up with Hendrix, and Cash wanting to be my real, I can’t focus. Be my real? Pfft. Guys aren’t really like that. Not since my Papa’s day, anyway. Is Cash just a bunch of sweet talk or is he a real deal? I’m not sure if I can allow my heart to take another hit, but it’s telling me to try. I want to know if Cash can be everything he’s talked about. I desire to have the kind of love that stands the test of time. I have so much to give someone, I have an abundant of love to share. Can I trust he won’t break me down? I want to find out.

Lizzie arrives with what we affectionately refer to as our weapons of destruction, Blue Bell’s Tin Roof Ice Cream, kettle corn microwave popcorn, my favorite chocolate and caramel candy and a bottle of Riesling. I have Frito’s and pickles for salty snacks. Things we would bring out when one of us got a broken heart or failed a test in high school, all but the wine anyway. We just added the wine since turning twenty-one, before that we always had sweet tea. Now we are set for my “figuring shit out” party.

I’ve seen Lizzie through a major ordeal and these snacks have powerful healing properties. That’s what we tell ourselves. My Lizzie girl has been through a heartache as epic as any catastrophe written. Since she isn’t a stranger to anguish, she will be my rock. Lizzie is the queen of “not allowing yourself to get hurt again”. Not only is she in the anti-love club, she is the founding president. But that is her demon to fight. She refuses to talk about her own misfortune anymore and has built up walls so high, I wonder if anyone will ever break through. But tonight is about me, and my go-to girl is here for me.

“Hey, Bay, how are ya?” Lizzie gives me a hug after she empties her arms.

This has been one crazy messed up day. I tell her everything that happened with Cash. She is literally swooning over how sweet and romantic he treated me tonight. This surprises me. She isn’t one for the hearts and roses. She is more keep that romantic bullshit to yourself and doesn’t fall for any sweet talking crap. She likes to keep things casual. I can’t blame her though, not with the shit storm relationship she had in the past. The one that keeps her from commitment.

“Lizzie, I haven’t a clue of how I should feel,” I say. “I feel broken and I’m soaring at the same time.”

We are sitting in the middle of the floor, in our pjs. Just like when we were teenagers. Sometimes it seems as time has stood still because we still go back to our roots when things get serious.

“Tell me what it is you’re really worried about? Are you holding out for another chance with Hendrix?” Lizzie asks.

“No, you were right, Liz. He’s just an asshole that wants sex from me. But when I told him we were over, he didn’t accept it. He changed his tune and became Prince Charming.” That is only a little of the confusing part.

“Do you feel like things are moving too fast? I need to understand what has you all tied up in knots over this.”

“Lizzie, I refuse to settle for any ol’ country boy just because he has a great ass and beautiful eyes. Even when I feel live wires are coursing through my body with just a kiss. I’m not going to get stuck here without a pot to piss in, struggling to raise my kids. I can’t do this…” I motion around me, “forever Lizzie. Not the taking care of Granny and Papa part, I will gladly take care of them. I’m talking about the whole country girl life.”

She nods for me to go on as she eats another chip.

“So, Hendrix isn’t perfect. No one is Lizzie, but maybe he’s as perfect as I will get. He isn’t the same when we are alone as he is when we are around everyone else. He treats me good then, Lizzie. He makes me feel loved, and I want to be loved by him. I know what you see. You see him demanding my attention. That is because he’s so in love with me and he can’t stand the thought of someone else even in my thoughts. He wants all of me, Lizzie. He even wants my thoughts. At least that was what I thought until he told me he was taking Hilary to the beach. Now I’m not sure what to think when it comes to him.” I can feel tears getting ready to pour like rain.

“Have you ever thought that you’re settling by choosing Hendrix? Yes, he does want to consume your thoughts and he also wants to control who you see. Mark my words, Bailey. If you stay with him, he’ll tear you away from your family. I just want you to be happy, and I don’t think Hendrix is the guy to make you happy.” Lizzie strokes my back.

Maybe Lizzie has a point. Why does this stuff have to be so hard?

“You can’t choose someone based on money and their ability to get you out of this little town. When they treat you like a piece of shit—”

She pauses as if reconsidering her words.

“Bailey, you already know the solution with Hendrix. You’re too afraid to admit it to yourself.”

She is right. I know she is right.

“At one time, you were a strong confident woman. I miss that woman. All I see now, Bay, is a shell of that woman because she has been beaten down by someone who doesn’t give a fuck about her. You have on these rose colored glasses when it comes to Hendrix.”

She has pulled off the gloves tonight, and all I can do is nod as I feel the tears spring free.

“Oh, Love, don’t cry.” Lizzie wraps her arms around me and pulls me in to her. “Shh, it’s okay, Bailey, I love you. I just can’t stand by any longer and watch you be hurt by a jackass. You are too precious to me for that.”

Now we are both crying, “I kn....” I sniffle. “I know, Lizzie, I know. I’ve got a lot to think about.” We sway together. “I love you too. You know that, right?” I am trying to quit my crying.

Lizzie wipes her eyes and, always the strong sensible one, says. “Now, on to dilemma number two, Cash.” She sips her wine. “This tastes like shit with pickles and corn chips.”

I laugh. Lizzie always knows how to lighten the mood. “You’re right. Give me that glass.” I get up to make us some tea.

She holds onto my arm, keeping me beside her. “I want to talk about Cash. He did
not
really pull over and dance with you out of the blue. Then sing to you on top of that. Where do I sign up for one of those?” She fans herself. “I’ll take him, Bailey, if you don’t want him.”

She isn’t really impressed, because I know she thinks all of that stuff is stupid. I give her a small smile. “Yeah, he did.” Hold on a minute. I’m not ready to give him up, am I? “Lizzie, he is really sweet, but is he too sweet for me?”

She gives me an “Are you serious?” look.

“No one said you had to marry the guy to go out with him, Bailey. Take it slow on the relationship front and just have fun with him.” She gives me a wink. “Besides, it can’t be as bad as “Vanilla Only” Hendrix. You have nothing to lose going forward. It’s just backward that you don’t need to go. Plus, I know you love all the hearts and romance crap. You are one romance book away from being in a perpetual state of ‘swoon’. You don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality anymore. You make that stuff your second religion, so don’t give me that ‘He may be too sweet’ crap.”

Why did I ever tell her about him being so sweet?

“Let’s Google some new kinky shit for you to try when you find a new hook up,” Lizzie says, her eyes glowing.

Did I mention that I love this girl? She has completely changed the mood of our whole conversation. I get my tablet, and we look up different positions and toys. Then we come across a video about grapefruit blowjobs. We laugh so hard tears are rolling down our face. This is where I quit looking things up. If I really want to know something about kinky sex, I’ll go to the mistress herself.

We worked for
Hedrovibes by Kissin’ Karen
for the past three and a half years. It is the most fun I have ever had working. Karen is such a great boss, and she knows everything you could ever want to know about sex. A customer could walk in the shop, and Karen could tell them about every product in the shop. Working there has been the education of a lifetime. I came out of my shy eighteen-year-old shell to awaken my inner sex goddess. She gave me my first vibrator which helped unleash my kinky side. I’ll call her in the morning after she opens up the shop for business.

All of this talk about kinky sex makes me think of Cash. How kinky he would be? I get worked up thinking about the possibility and before I lose my nerve, I grab my phone and text Cash.