Love Me Or Leave Me (38 page)

Even though that could be so far from the truth that it’s actually terrifying.

Rob’s over at the vending machine now in the tiny corridor outside the ICU unit where they took Andrew, the minute the ambulance got here. Lucy waited here with us throughout the whole procedure, white-faced and anxious, but then just a moment ago, a consultant who looked so young it was almost scary, came out of the room where they’d brought him.

Lucy gripped onto my hand and I was full sure the girl would pass out.

‘Who’s Mr Lowe’s next of kin?’ the consultant wanted to know.

‘Emm … that would be me,’ she told him in a wobbly voice. ‘I’m … well, I’m his wife.’

‘Would you like to step inside, please? We’ve still got a lot more to do, but you can at least wait with him now, if you like.’

So here I am, sick to my stomach with worry, thinking please dear God, don’t let this be happening.

Rob has his back to me and is watching lukewarm coffee gush from the vending machine into a white plastic cup. He brings it over to me, but even the smell instantly turns my stomach.

‘Come on, Chloe. Stay strong. You can do it.’

He grips my hand tight so I grip it back. Grateful.

*

Cardiac stents, the consultant was warbling on about. Something about cardiac stents that they’d just inserted and valves to relieve the pressure and how lucky Andrew was to have survived this. And that tests would show whether he needed bypass surgery, and then a whole lot of questions to Lucy about what kind of stress levels he’d been operating under lately.

And all the while Lucy could barely even take it all in. She just focused on Andrew, grey in the face and looking waxy as he lay on the ICU hospital bed beside her, not a bit his usual handsome self at all. Did I do this to you, was all she could think. Was it separation and divorce that pushed you over the edge?

Then finally, after what seemed like an age, the consultant left her alone with him. But Andrew had been heavily sedated after the whole procedure and she’d been told he’d be out for possibly hours more.

‘That’s fine,’ she’d told the ICU nurse. ‘If it’s okay, I’ll wait.’

And now she was really properly alone with him.

She took his hand and wondered if some part of him could register the sensation of her touch.

‘Darling, I’m here,’ she told him, hoping that even though he was out cold, maybe a tiny part of him could hear. ‘And don’t you worry. Because this time I’m not going anywhere.’

*

Back at the hotel, there was an understandably muted atmosphere throughout the whole dining room over dinner. Word had spread like wildfire about what had happened to Andrew Lowe and of course now it was all anyone could talk about.

‘You know the exact same thing happened to good friends of ours back in New York,’ Jayne was happily telling anyone who’d listen to her. ‘Jack and Shayla Lowenstein. They were going through a really messy divorce and bickering over just about everything. Then whaddya know, one fine day Jack goes for a jog in the park and has a massive heart attack right there. Dead before he even hit the ground. Found by a lady out walking her dog. Total shocker.’

‘Mind you, Shayla did say it saved her a fortune in lawyer’s bills,’ Larry chipped in over her shoulder. ‘Plus, because they hadn’t actually finalized the divorce, she ended up getting everything!’

‘Larry! Time and a place!’ Jayne instantly pulled him up.

Dawn had been there when the ambulance first arrived and her heart had gone out to Lucy. The poor woman looked ashen faced as she walked behind the stretcher, with Chloe supporting one side of her and that tall, lean guy with the greyish hair at the other.

Please don’t let this be happening, Dawn had thought. Not to Andrew. Not to that kind, lovely gentleman who’d she’d chatted to only the previous night. Who’d been so sensitive and lovely and who’d made her laugh and cheered her up after possibly the shittiest day known to man.

If anyone up there can hear me, she found herself silently praying to a God she didn’t know if she believed in, then please let Andrew be okay. Please let that gorgeous, warm soul get through this somehow. Please.

So of course, what was meant to have been a fancy celebratory dinner that evening turned out to be anything but. The dining room was still full, but the atmosphere was far more subdued and low-key. Dawn hovered uncertainly over by the door, not even sure where she’d like to be seated. The last few meals she’d either sat alone or else at a group table with Jayne and Larry and some lovely people from Finland with perfect English and who promised they’d definitely call into Earth’s Garden to try out some of her spelt muesli.

And that’s when she saw him. Kirk, sitting all alone. Tucked away in a quiet corner of the room, looking morose and with a book propped up in front of him. Typical him, reading
The Seven Spiritual Laws of
Success
by Deepak Chopra. But it was the first time he’d shown up for any meals at all and until now, Dawn just assumed he was eating up in his room.

His eyes must have sensed hers on him because as soon as he spotted her, he was up on his feet and over to her side, smelling of incense and lavender, like he always did.

‘Join me,’ he said softly. ‘Please. Just this once. It would be so good to talk like we used to.’

Well why not, Dawn thought? Why not have this last and final supper together? After this weekend, he’d pretty much be out of her hair for good, so this was probably the last time they’d ever be able to do this. Besides, she thought, for all that Kirk had almost driven her to the brink, how would she have felt if that had been him led out of here on a stretcher and whisked off to an ICU? She shuddered just at the thought.

So Dawn followed him to the table, a waitress came over, they ordered drinks and she sat back, for the moment enjoying the silence. ‘Letting the angel pass,’ as Kirk always said.

‘It’s so painful to think about that poor soul,’ he began, ‘Andrew something, isn’t it?’

‘Andrew Lowe, yeah.’

‘You know I did offer him a reiki massage in the ambulance, but his wife said no.’

‘Kirk,’ Dawn told him gently, ‘the man just had a massive heart attack. You really think you holding your hands over him and doing a bit of deep breathing would help? You don’t think a fully prepped medical team with oxygen masks in an ICU might possibly do the job a bit better for him?’

‘The life force energy flows through us all, and is what causes us to be alive –’ but Kirk broke off here, realizing he’d just lost his audience. ‘I’m sorry, Dawn,’ he added softly. ‘And I’m guessing that coming out with that kind of thing is yet another reason why you and I are even here in the first place.’

‘You could say that, yeah,’ she said wryly.

‘I always knew you thought my reiki healings didn’t work …’

‘Ehh … no offence, but that’s because they
don’t
…’

‘And what you said yesterday about chakra realignment –’

‘Nothing against it, but it’s just not really me.’

‘And I suppose the same with aura reading?’

‘Kirk, I’m sorry, but it’s just fortune telling with a fancier name. You might as well just read your horoscope in the back of a magazine. Same difference.’

But instead of that well-known wounded look he’d worn ever since they arrived here on Friday, now Kirk surprised her by actually grinning.

‘Bless you,’ he said simply. ‘For the kindness of trying so hard back in our early days.’

‘Well, you certainly have to admit, I did make an effort,’ she smiled back.

‘Remember the time I took you off to the Energy and Wellness retreat up in the Wicklow mountains?’

‘Oh Kirk, don’t remind me! Thought I’d need therapy to get over that one …’

‘We were supposed to fast from sunrise to sunset and in the meantime, explore our deepest emotions through the freedom of dance …’

‘… And everyone else was amazing at it, but the subtext of my dance drama was “I’m bloody starving. And smelly. Where can I shower? And where’s the nearest bus stop so I can get the hell out of here?”’

‘I can’t believe how much you put up with, just for me,’ Kirk said, looking at her fondly. There was a candle lit on the table between them, and he just looked so
beautiful
in the flickering light, Dawn thought. There was a time when just the sight of him would have melted her. And yet, not now. Something had most definitely shifted inside of her. Maybe even healed, as Kirk might say.

‘I was twenty-two years of age,’ she told him simply. ‘I’d have said or done anything to make it work between us. You know that. But now, it all just seems so different. Aside from you and Shane and the horrible way I found out, and the humiliation of it all. Even leaving all that aside … we’re two very different people, Kirk. Don’t you see?’

‘Yes,’ he nodded calmly. ‘You know I do.’

‘Thing is, I’m just an ordinary, normal girl. I enjoy my job and I love doing things like going out for dinner every so often or …’ she broke off here, thinking back to that lovely barman from Kerry and the great aul’ chat they’d had earlier. ‘And I like going to the movies and maybe even the odd play. Simple things really, but all things you’ve no interest in. I mean, I’m only twenty-five and I just want to enjoy my life a bit more. And I’m sorry, but sitting round the flat smoking dope and listening to sitar music while eating brown rice and tofu just isn’t me really.’

Kirk just smiled and shook his head. ‘All you put up with for me. And I did so little for you in return, when I think of it. In fact, I’ve been meditating a lot about something you said to me on our first night here. Something that really hit home.’

‘Don’t remind me,’ Dawn said, rolling her eyes. ‘I bombarded you with so many insults that night, which one do you mean?’

‘You said I needed to realize that my actions had consequences for others around me. And I suppose pure, mute selfishness on my part made me block that out. So what I’m really trying to ask is …’

They were interrupted just as the waitress arrived with their drinks orders. Then Kirk leaned forward, the big, soulful brown eyes brimming up with concern now.

‘Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me? Because words can’t describe how eaten up with guilt I am ever since I came to this place and the full reality of what I’d put you through really hit home. You know that.’

Dawn took a sip of white wine and had a good think before answering.

‘You were my best friend and lover,’ she eventually said, ‘and I lost both in one fell swoop. The lover bit I can get over, but losing my best friend wasn’t easy, I can tell you. But then ever since we came here, there’s a big part of me thinking, does it really matter
why
we were so wrong for each other? The fact is that we were just wrong.’

‘Dawn … I’m so sorry. I really am. I know it’s naïve and cheeky to even think you’d want me as your friend after what I put you through, I know that. But if there was any way forward for you and me as true pals –’

‘Hey … now, let’s not run before we can walk,’ she laughed.

‘You always were a far wiser soul than me,’ Kirk smiled back warmly, that gorgeous dimply smile that once used to make her liquefy. ‘And certainly a far more generous one. You know, I think in a past life, you definitely must have been a Shaman … I’ve always said it.’

‘Ehh … let’s not get into shamanism right now, Kirk,’ she said firmly.

Just then the waitress came back to take their order.

‘After you,’ he said.

‘Alright then,’ said Dawn. ‘And now I’m going to do something in front of you that I’ve wanted to for the longest time.’ Then turning to the waitress, she said, ‘I’d like to order the duck liver pâté to start and for the main course, I’ll have the fillet steak, medium rare, please.’

She looked over her menu, caught Kirk’s eye and for one lovely moment, they both laughed.

*

Jo had been really looking forward to dinner, but after what had happened to that unfortunate Andrew Lowe, her appetite had instantly evaporated. She’d been texting Chloe to see if there was news, but so far, no answer. But then, she guessed if they were all in an ICU, all phones would have to be switched off, wouldn’t they? So she’d skip dinner and just go up to her room, she decided. And continue to do the homework on Dave’s good qualities that had to be done in time for her first session the following morning.

But then, speaking of Dave, it suddenly struck her that she hadn’t set eyes on him all evening. So passing by Reception she paused for a moment and casually asked Liliana whether he was up in his room too?

‘Mr Evans?’ Liliana smiled prettily back at her. ‘No Ma’am, I’m afraid not.’

Instantly, the hackles on Jo’s back were raised.

‘Well, do you know where he is?’

‘I’m afraid not, ma’am. But I can tell you that he’s not here.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You see, Mr Evans left the hotel about an hour ago.’

SUNDAY

Chapter Thirty-One

Chloe.

It was the smallest part of the wee, small hours. Just past midnight now and Rob and I are still here, still outside the ICU, still waiting on news. I can’t believe the guy’s waited with me this long. And not only that, but he keeps trying to jolly me along and stop all my incessant stressing and fretting. Not that anything will stop me worrying, but still, I’m appreciating his efforts.

In fact, ever since we got here, I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s gone to the vending machine for coffee that actually tastes like a lukewarm puddle on the side of the road, then forced it down my throat, telling me that it’ll do me good. Or how often he’s said, ‘Okay, so I know you think this is high drama, but believe me, this is nothing. Remind me to tell you about the night I had three ambulances outside my hotel in Paris.’

And I’m smiling at him and appreciating the gesture, but then reverting back to my natural factory default setting of ‘worry’. Anyway, after what feels like an eternity of this carry-on, Rob eventually slips his arm around me and gives me an awkward sort of sideways hug.