Love Me to Death (41 page)

Everything is too loud. My head is spinning but my eyes still manage to stay focused on Ned. She’s in pain, I can see it … I can hear it.

Dr. Chen said there would be a lot of people present if Ned went into labor on her own before her scheduled C-section, but I didn’t really stop to think how many. I certainly didn’t expect it to be
this
many. My eyes keep flitting from Ned to the heart monitor, to every expression in the room. Everywhere I turn I see a panicked expression. These doctors are supposed to know what they are doing but they all look terrified. They keep repeating the fact that “Ned is high risk” and that “this time is critical for the baby.” They keep reminding us how well
Neddie
has done to make it this far. They tell us how strong she is being but they never talk about the future. Everything is
now
and
then
… no one will dare to talk about
after
.

They probably think I don’t notice but I do. I can hear the uncertainty in their voices and the doubt in their faces but I refuse to believe it because I can’t.

I did propose to Ned and she said yes.
Thank God
. That would have been pretty embarrassing for both me and Freddy. I did it at Paradiso. She was utterly embarrassed again, just the way I wanted it. I invited all of our family and friends to witness. They were all there. Misty and Bobby (who, yes are dating, it seems like a lot happened when Ned and I went to Paris), Ned’s parents, Layla, Jamie, Alex, and Sophie. I even invited my dad and Jerkson. Ned cried and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The idea that this woman has agreed to spend the rest of her life loving me is still sinking in. That she wants to make a promise before God to love me and only me does something inside of me that I literally can’t explain. So, you see she has to pull through this because we’re not married yet and I promised her that I am going to make her my wife. I promised her that night. I don’t make promises — not lightly — and I don’t break them. So, I don’t give a damn about the doctors’ expressions right now because I’m going to marry this woman.

I am dragged out of my thoughts when I hear the word
push
practically screamed. My eyes snap to Ned right before she lets out a guttural scream, squeezes my hand and then pushes. I feel like we have been here, in this room forever. I take my free hand and smooth Ned’s hair out of her face.

“You’re doing great, baby.” I smile at her.

She’s crying but she nods her head at my words. She squeezes my hand tighter. It hurts but I ignore it.

I’m getting used to the sound of the heart monitor in the background. It’s become a dull pattern I can hear in the back of my mind. It’s like a broken record on repeat and so as soon as the pattern changes even just a little bit I recognize it. So does everyone else in the room. My eyes fall on the machine and I am angry. Why the hell did you change your pattern?! I scream in my mind. Songs don’t do that. They don’t just change their pattern in the middle of playing. There is a rhythm you stick to, a flow that keeps the listener tuned in but the machine just screwed it up.

Everything was planned out perfectly. The date was set for Ned to have a C-section. Dr. Chen already explained about the pressures of labor on the heart. The C-section wasn’t exactly the safer option since you are asking a body with a weak heart to undergo surgery. It was just the lesser of two evils. But fate wasn’t in tune with our plans. Fate saw fit to allow Ned’s water — how ironic — to break and to fast track her labor. By the time we got here she was too far gone for surgery. Well, thank you, fate!

“Cole, what is it? Is the baby ok?” Ned asks barely able to breathe.

“Everything is fine, just stay calm,” I lie because I have no idea if everything is ok.

My eyes meet every other pair in the room and not one gives me any hope.

“One more push and we’ve done it, you can do this, Neddie.” The doctor’s voice is calm, but behind it, I hear something else. She sounds unsure of her own words. She doesn’t know if what she is saying is true, she is hoping it is, but she has no damn idea. My eyes fall to Ned and she looks so weak.

“Come on, baby. You can do this.”

“I’m tired,” she whispers.

“I know but one more push and we can meet our princess.” I smile.

“You admit that it’s a girl.” She breathes with a small smile.

“I’ve never doubted you.”

With that, she gives one final push. The room is silent. I can hear nothing. Why isn’t she crying? Why can’t I hear my baby? I look up at anyone for an answer but they are all moving so fast. They are talking to each other with terms that almost make me believe they are speaking another language.

“Cole, what’s happening?” Ned asks with a look of panic on her face. I want to reassure her that everything is ok and explain exactly what is happening but I don’t have the words.

I grew up with a mother who prayed constantly yet I rarely talk to God. I close my eyes and say words I have never said to him before. I beg and I plead and I make promises. I never knew I wanted to be a dad but I beg him to let me be one.

Moments pass and I watch Ned begin to crumble and then I hear it. It’s the most ear-piercing scream but it is the best sound in the world. How can the loudest sound give me the most peace I have ever had in my life?

“She’s ok. Your baby is ok.” One of the doctors turns to us with a bright smile on her face. I glance my eyes down at the tiny life as they wheel her out of the room. She is beautiful. “She is premature so we need to take her to the neonatal intensive care unit. Dad, you can come down while we get Mom settled if you would like,” she says with a smile.

Dad.
I’m a dad. The sound of that sentence almost knocks the air out of me.

“No, I need to stay here. She’ll be safe, won’t she?”

“She will.” She smiles warmly.

I turn to Ned and smile. She looks at me expressionless for a minute as though she has no idea how to react.

“She’s ok?” She keeps nodding her head. “Our baby … she’s ok?” Tears start to stream down her face and my heart breaks in the best kind of way.

“Yes, she’s ok,” I whisper as I wrap my arms around her neck and kiss her cheek. “It’s a little girl, you were right.”

“She’s really ok,” she whispers one last time.

I nod against her. “She’s fine, baby.” I pull away to look at her and she looks exhausted. It’s like she used everything she had to bring our baby into the world. The last bit of energy is used as she lets out a deep breath.

She looks up at the ceiling with a content smile on her face before she whispers, “She’s ok … my baby is ok.” Then her eyes roll back into her head and the monitor starts screaming.

“What’s happening? What’s wrong with her?” I ask the same doctor — or whatever she is — who was smiling at me warmly just a second ago. She looks horrified before she tries to calm me down.

“It’s ok, if we can just ask you to step outside of the room.”

“Why do I need to step out, what is the matter?”

“Please, sir just let us do our job and we will explain everything later.”

“No! I’m not leaving her!” I scream as I watch them attaching things to Ned’s chest and shocking her over and over again. “Why isn’t she waking up?”

“Mr. Cole, if you love this woman like I think you do then you need to step out of this room so my
whole
team can do everything they can to save her life.” The voice is direct and commands my attention. He is an older man with gray hair. He is not being harsh, he is being honest. I nod in defeat, take one last glance at Ned’s lifeless body as electricity is pumped through her and let the lady lead me out.

“We’ll let you know what’s happening as soon as we can.”

I walk aimlessly into the corridor until I hear voices.
Familiar voices.

“Bren?” It’s Layla’s voice. I can’t see her through my tears and I can’t even make out her words. I feel myself fall to my knees and I feel Layla’s arms wrap around me. I can smell her. It’s the same smell she’s had since we were kids. It reminds me of my mother. I tuck my face into her neck and I cry like a baby. I don’t care who is watching or who is judging me, my heart just got ripped out of my chest because deep down I know the truth.
I just lost her … I lost Ned.

2 Years Later

Two years ago two significant things happened in my life:

1. My daughter —
   Cacey Neddie Cole
   — was born.
   
2. The love of my life —
   Neddie Cara Waters
   — died.
   

If anybody had told me this would have happened, a couple of years back, I would have called them crazy. For one, I was
the
Brennan Cole, I didn’t even do love and neither did I want children. It’s funny how someone can walk into your life and change everything about it. Ned changed me in so many ways. She made me a man and she made me a father. That is something I will be eternally grateful for. And she made me fall in love. Being with Ned taught me about forgiveness, patience, and everything it takes to be the man that I try to be every day. She taught me that sometimes life is hard. Sometimes life sucks so hard you feel like giving up but just when you feel it — at that exact moment — that’s when you should keep fighting. Fight like your life depends on it because things get better. I didn’t believe that at first but things really do get better. If you just wait out all of the crap and the pain,
things get better
.

Today is an example of that. Today … things got better. I never thought this could be the kind of thing that could happen to me but it turns out it can. It turns out that even someone who has been told they are unlovable and worthless can find love. The most amazing thing Ned ever did for me was to love me even after she had seen my flaws. She loved me when I was broken and she loved me as I slowly became whole again.

My head lifts as the sound of the music fills my ears. Bobby nudges me in the side. I turn to see a stupid grin on his face.

“You ready for this?” he whispers as he straightens his tie.

“No,” I answer honestly. “It’s still pretty surreal to see you in a suit.” I laugh.

“Very funny. You picked the worst tux in history. These pants are hugging my balls to death. The poor guys can barely breathe down there.”

“Thank God they’re small then,” I say.

I see a glimpse of green and smile. Bobby’s words are lost in the atmosphere.

Cacey and Sophie are the first to walk in. Sophie has a huge smile on her face as she holds onto her baby cousin’s hand protectively. They are both wearing cute little green dresses. Cacey has a basket of petals in her hand. She sprinkles them on the aisle just like we all showed her in rehearsal. When she looks up at me she has the biggest smile on her face and I know there is no one in this world that will ever love me as much as her.

Layla is the next to walk in and I take a deep breath because she looks so much like my mother today. I hold back the tears and smile at her proudly. She winks at me and it gives me the strength to hold it together.
I can do this.
Next is Misty. The way she is looking at Bobby is even making me uncomfortable.

“Dude, break the eye contact. You two are making all of my guests uncomfortable.”

“Sorry,” he says in a tight voice. I dread to imagine what is actually going through his mind.

Suddenly everyone stands and my eyes are glued to the back of the room. I have been anticipating this moment for longer than I can even remember.

“Your turn to make everyone uncomfortable,” Bobby says through gritted teeth.

“It’s my wedding; I’m supposed to make everyone uncomfortable,” I say.

I hear him laugh but it disappears along with everyone else when my bride enters the church. Oh. My. Gosh. She looks beautiful. She smiles at me and I know that everyone else has disappeared for her too. She mouths the words
I love you
and I mouth back
I love you more.
She smiles and I think my heart just skipped an actual beat, like really.
I can’t believe this is happening.

I look at her beautiful face and I can’t shake the smile. I’m about to marry the love of my life. I’m about to marry … Neddie Waters. I’m ashamed to say that once again I am holding back actual tears. Gosh, I’m so in love with this woman. I take a deep breath and thank God this is real.