Love notes (26 page)

As Aiden released her, the first
few of these uncertainties bubbled up. What if he forgot her or
found someone new to replace her? What if he realised that
Yorkshire had been a false dawn, driven by sentimentality and
physical attraction? What if letting him go was the worst mistake
she’d ever made and it was about to backfire on her
spectacularly.

“Never forget I love you and
I’ll be waiting for you,” he whispered, looking into her soul with
his pale tiger’s eyes and making sure she committed every word to
heart.

“I can’t ask you to do that,”
Erika protested. “It’s too much.”

“Then don’t make me wait too
long.”

Erika knew it was a promise she
couldn’t afford to make and watched as realisation, coupled with
disappointment, took hold of Aiden. She swore later that she’d seen
his heart begin to solidify and a knot woven from loss and grief
tighten around his throat, robbing him of speech.

Without arguing any more, Aiden
began emptying his wardrobe into a suitcase, working so calmly and
with such finality that Erika couldn’t bear to watch and went out
into the garden. When he’d finished packing he found her, but the
goodbyes remained trapped somewhere inside his chest, never to be
spoken.

They parted in silence, standing
apart like strangers, until Aiden finally found the courage to turn
away.

Erika remained in the shade of
the large beech tree from where she had a view down to the main
gate and could watch Aiden’s cab negotiate the final few yards out
onto the road. The sound of the engine accelerating away reached
her with a few seconds delay, its muted vibrations enough to send
the first of the tears cascading down her cheeks. Unable to trust
her legs to carry her back to the house, she sank down on the grass
and rested her back against the tree trunk, the tears coming in a
flood she was afraid would never stop.

She hugged her knees against her
chest to prevent her damaged heart breaking out between her ribs
and allowed her grief to consume her. All the while telling herself
that every tear made her stronger and reinforced her spirit, making
it able to face whatever the future threw at her.

Even if, at that moment, it felt
like she’d just thrown her future away.

Erika closed her eyes and
listened to the tape for the last time, letting the final chorus
wash over her. She grimaced.

“We need to revise those
vocals,” she said when the final notes faded away. “My throat
sounded tense toward the end.”

The producer laughed, but not
unkindly. “You’re never satisfied, Erika. It’s perfect. Believe me.
It’s by far the best work you’ve ever done.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind
giving it one more go.”

“Truly, it’s finished.” To
reinforce his point, he switched off the recording equipment and
handed Erika a CD of the newly-cut album. “It’s pure genius. You’ve
come of age with these songs. You should be very proud.”

Despite her doubts, Erika
allowed herself a satisfied smile.

She knew her new album was good
– better than good – and so different from anything she’d ever done
before. After five years of banging out candy floss hits in a
sequined bikini, music had become her solace once more, and her
most perfect form of expression. She knew she’d produced something
extraordinary.

Writing the album had been the
final, vital step in a personal journey Erika had undertaken over
the last year, during which time she’d separated herself from her
old life and begun the blueprint for her future. She’d clarified
her thoughts and arranged them in an order that finally made sense,
shaking off her old insecurities and laying the past to rest.

And what had emerged clearly,
amongst the expressive lyrics and beautiful music, had been her
love letter to Aiden.

Sweet, eternal, powerful and
true.

A strong and passionate
declaration of love that she prayed would persuade him to risk all
on building a future with her.

Over the past twelve months,
Erika had worked her way through every emotion from loss to trust,
and anger to forgiveness; rubbing salve into the scar tissues of
her heart and feeling them begin to heal. She’d picked over the
memories it held, finding herself able to shelve permanently the
pain surrounding her first break-up from Aiden and focus entirely
on the tenderness of their reunion.

No matter where she’d been or
what she’d been doing, the thought of Aiden had remained with her
constantly – his smile, the way his chin dimpled when he tried not
to laugh, the shadow of a birthmark on his shoulder when they made
love – and the more she’d remembered, the more she’d missed
him.

For the first six months, she’d
been a mess, barely scraping through each day, struggling to endure
the stresses of the court case and all the while her heart had been
breaking for everything she’d thrown away.

When the judge had finally found
in her favour, rescinding her contract and returning her
copyrights, her mind had gradually cleared and her imagination had
had space to stretch. She’d begun writing songs again, capturing
the emotions she’d been through and setting them to music.

She’d relived every moment of
losing Aiden and questioned everything she’d ever felt for him,
separating the truth from the fantasy and discovering that her love
for him held solid and unwavering.

The year after her split from
Marty had seen profound changes in Erika. She was stronger, knew
her own mind, fought her corner and was financially independent.
She’d released the album of her early music – Songs of Love and
Loss – earning her respect from music critics who’d previously
dismissed her as a pop diva. Left free to choose her own work, she
flourished musically, surprising herself with the new depths she
found in writing her next album and pursing avenues Marty had
prevented her from exploring.

But even though her own reality
and sense of self had shifted so completely, her love for Aiden had
remained constant. She loved him – utterly, completely, selflessly
and without end.

Now all she had to do was
convince him to take her back and let her spend the rest of her
life proving it to him.

Erika put the CD into her
handbag and hugged her producer tightly. “I don’t know how to thank
you,” she said. “If you hadn’t persuaded the record company to let
me change direction when I split from Marty…”

He wafted away her thanks. “It’s
been a pleasure. Just hurry up and write me some new music. I can’t
wait to see where you’re going next.”

Erika smiled at the last comment
in the car going downtown to her lawyers’ office. She might not
have a clue yet where she’d be going musically but she had a pretty
good idea what real life held in store for her over the next two
weeks.

By the time she returned to
Ben’s mansion later that afternoon, she had everything finalised
and was feeling very pleased with herself. She found Ben lounging
on the sofa after a day’s filming and helped herself to a beer
before dropping down beside him and planting a kiss on his
cheek.

“You look like the cat that got
the cream,” he said, eyeing her suspiciously over the neck of his
beer bottle. “What have you been up to, madam?”

“Seeing my lawyers. Tying up my
investment accounts. Instructing them to sell my New York and Los
Angeles properties. Transferring this to you and Richard.”

She handed him the deeds to her
beach house in the Hamptons but Ben held up his hand to push them
away.

“We can’t take it. It’s too
much,” he said. “It’s worth a fortune.”

“Please. Richard loves the place
and Marty’s settlement is twice what we first thought it might be.
You’ve both done so much for me over the last year – helped me
through some really awful stuff – it’s the least I can do.” When he
still hesitated, she added, “I’m making a new start and this house
belonged to the old Erika Fenn. Please take it.”

After five minutes more arguing
he finally gave in and took the deeds in exchange for a hug. “Any
more news on Marty?” he asked.

“The Federal fraud charges
against him have finally been dropped.”

Ben gave a grunt of annoyance.
“After all he’s put you through, I wouldn’t have intervened on his
behalf.”

“Maybe not, but I figured he’d
been punished enough. I only wanted back what was mine, not to
destroy him completely.”

Instead, Marty had retired to
Miami to live off his past glories and a hugely reduced pension
fund, with threats to tell the real story in his autobiography.

Erika could hardly wait.

“And I’ve also finished this,”
she said, holding up the CD.

“Satisfied with it?”

“As much as I’ll ever be.”

Ben had long ago worked out that
Erika was a perfectionist when it came to her music and had
witnessed her frustrations over the past year. He gave her the
sensual smile that drove women wild. “So now what?”

Now what, indeed?

“I’m free at last. Marty’s paid
up, the album’s finished and the past’s been hung out to dry. It’s
been a long haul, but I finally know who I am, where I’m heading
and what I want.”

“What you want? Or who?”

Ben glanced sidelong at her.
Erika noticed he didn’t say Aiden’s name but it hung heavy in the
air between them.

“Both. It’s time for me to put
my heart where my music is.”

Ben nodded slowly, as if it made
perfect sense. “What will you do? Send him the CD and see what
happens?”

It was the safer option but a
year’s delay had made Erika impatient. She’d left it long enough
already and instinct told her she needed to be more direct.

It was time to find out if the
biggest risk of her life had paid off and she wanted to be there to
see for herself.

“No. I’m going to England to
deliver it in person.”

“What? Just turn up?” Ben pushed
himself upright on the sofa and regarded her in open-mouthed
astonishment. “Are you crazy?”

“I think it’s the best way.”

“The best way to get your heart
broken again!” Ben’s concern was written all over his handsome
face. “You haven’t seen or spoken to Aiden in a year. What if he’s
moved on?”

This very real possibility made
Erika sick with anxiety and she pushed it out of her mind. “That’s
the risk I took when I sent him away and I’m prepared for it.” The
last was a lie. She couldn’t contemplate spending any more of her
life without Aiden.

“I still don’t understand why
you did it,” Ben said, shaking his head uncomprehendingly. “It hurt
so much to stand back and watch you destroy yourself.”

“I was damaged goods back then,”
Erika reminded Ben. “I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I
loved Aiden too much to saddle him with that. I needed time and
space to get my head straight.”

“So will you warn him you’re
coming?”

Imagining the wording of the
advance email she might have sent made Erika giggled. “Hi Aiden.
Not seen you for ages but I’d like to pop in and tell you I’m still
in love with you,” she recited before raising her eyebrows and
looking expectantly at Ben, who laughed.

“There’s no need to warn Aiden,
anyway,” she continued. “I’ve a hundred London paparazzi waiting to
do that for me. He’ll know I’m back in England before I’ve even
gone through passport control.”

Ben couldn’t argue with this.
Erika’s split from Marty and the continued pretence of their
romance had kept her on the front pages. Attending premieres on
Ben’s arm, shopping together on Rodeo Drive or holidaying on a
private island in the Caribbean, had all cemented the gossip
columnists’ view of Erika Fenn and Ben Ridley as Ben-Fenn, the
golden couple.

If only they knew.

“How do you feel about seeing
Aiden again?” Ben asked, watching her face carefully for the truth
that might not come out in words. “Nervous?”

“Seeing him isn’t the problem.
I’m more worried he won’t like the new me.”

Ben looked sideways at her as if
to say, pppllllease! “Have you looked in the mirror lately. You’re
gorgeous. If he had the hots for you back then, he’ll go crazy for
you now. Just look at yourself.”

Erika knew he was right. The
curves Aiden loved so much had filled out even more, leaving her
rounded and sexy with boobs that were little short of magnificent –
even if she did say so herself. These days, when she wore a
designer dress, she found people looking at her body, not the gown,
and she had ten times the confidence she’d had when strutting
semi-naked on stage for Marty.

“Aiden did have the hots for
me,” Erika confided cheekily, her eyes sparkling and her expression
filling in every other sizzling detail. “But I wasn’t exactly cold
toward him either.”

Realisation hit Ben. “Does this
mean you’re breaking up with me?” he asked, gripping his chest and
pretending to be heartbroken.

Erika laughed, playing along. “I
have to. I just don’t think of you in that way any more.”

“That’s a relief. Because I’ve
never thought of you in that way either.” He faked a scowl. “Only
don’t tell the paparazzi. If it ever got out, I’d be ruined.”

He held out his arm to Erika and
she snuggled into him, thinking how much she’d miss him and Richard
once she was back in England. Living with them had been like
sharing a student house again; staying up late into the night
talking, lounging around in pyjamas at weekends and occasionally
going their separate ways to do some work. She’d laughed until she
thought her ribs would implode, swapped confidences she’d never
shared and discovered that, once the layers of Erika Fenn were
stripped away, she actually enjoyed being the person she found
underneath.

The only question now was, would
Aiden like her too?

“Here. You’d better have your
expensive ring back,” Erika said, removing the fake diamond she’d
worn since she’d last been in London and handing it to Ben before
rubbing away the green mark it left around her finger.