Love on the Highlight Reel (Connecticut Kings Book 2) (26 page)

I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came. And then instead of just trying respond… I actually
thought
about what she was saying.

Shit.

She kind of had a point… I
had
been bulldozing my way back into a relationship with her, because that’s what I wanted. Her objections didn’t matter to me, because whatever they were, we could overcome them. I didn’t plan to hurt her, so of course she could trust me. If these stupid motherfuckers wanted to think less of her for dating me… fuck them. She didn’t need a job anyway, I’d take care of her. And as far as her being all in or not…

“It’s not a month,” I said, even though I knew it fell flat compared to what she’d said.

She narrowed her eyes in confusion. “What?”

“You keep saying it’s been a few weeks, it’s only been a month. But… I’m saying, it’s not like that to me. We were together for years. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not starting over. It’s picking back up. You can’t just start from scratch when you love somebody. Well…
I
can’t.”

A little smile graced her lips as she stared up at me. She shook her head. “Neither can I, Jordan. And I’m not saying that I only have a month’s worth – whatever that means – of feelings for you. It goes
so
much deeper than that. But I’ve seen enough, heard enough, read enough, to understand that rushing into things is a recipe for disaster. I wanted us to get to know each other as grown-ups, build something solid.”

An unpleasant feeling exploded in my chest. “Wanted?”

She nodded, and stepped away from my grasp. “You dropped me… not even two hours ago, after I tried to bridge the gap and make things right after you falsely accused me of only wanting you for sex. And now here you are, getting ready to go drink and throw money at naked women. What
should
I feel, Jordan?”

“What
do
you feel?”

She stared at me for a moment, then shook her head. “Doesn’t matter.”

“How do you figure that?”

She shrugged. “It’s just… what I think. And I don’t particularly want to talk about it.”

“So you’re shutting down on me?” I asked, moving back into her space. “Just like that?”

“I don’t understand what you want from me!”

I threw my hands up. “I want you to talk to me. Open up. Tell me what’s on your mind! What are you thinking? What are you feeling?”

“I
feel
like a fool!” she exclaimed, trying to back away from me again, and rolling her eyes when the backs of her legs hit the bed. “I feel like I put myself out there, for you to not even see it. The most valuable things I have are my time, and my heart, and honestly Jordan you’ve been getting both.
You
said to me, that night of the ball, that if we were going to keep us a secret, it was with the caveat that we would be official. And I took that seriously. As far as I’m concerned,
you
didn’t hold up your end of that bargain, but
I
got punished for it. And it…” She took a deep breath, trying to contain herself, then shook her head. “Nevermind.”

“No, it’s not
nevermind
, say it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Do it anyway.”

“Jordan…”

“Goddammit, Nicki! Stop trying to hold shit so close, and just fucking saying it!”

“Fine,” she screamed getting right in my face. “It fucking
hurts.
You
hurt
me. You did exactly what you swore you wouldn’t, and I don’t understand why! And you know what? I don’t want to hear that it hurts you too, for me to be unsure, for me to be protective of my heart. Maybe that’s true, but it’s not the same damn thing. You twisted me spending every spare moment I have in this hotel with you into me only wanting sex. You shit on me when I tried to make it right. And
look at you
. Ready to go watch somebody shake their ass, while I was
crying for you.
This is
exactly
what I was afraid of. My nightmare, come true. That’s what’s on my mind, Jordan. That’s how I’m feeling.”

When she stopped long enough to take a breath, it was like every bit of strength she’d been trying to hold on to crumbled, and she dropped onto the bed, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed. And I… felt like shit.

“And I still love you,” she managed to get out. “You can’t see how terrifying that is, Jordan? All of the fear, and uncertainty, and hurt, and I
still..
.”

She shook her head, trying again to pull herself together. She scrubbed the moisture from her face, and gave herself hiccups trying to swallow her sobs before I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to her as I rubbed her back, trying to soothe a hurt I’d caused, no matter if it wasn’t my intention. I cupped a hand under her chin, tipping her face up to mine. “Tell me what to do.”

“I don’t know.” She sniffled. “I don’t know how to fix it.”

Neither do I…

I had no threshold for it. Nicki was the only real, serious relationship I’d had in my twenty-seven years, and we hadn’t gone through anything like this back then. I didn’t have a reference point, but… whether or not I wanted to recognize it, the things she was saying were right.

I hadn’t lived up to my end of the bargain.

I’d always heard the shit that was said about Nicki in the locker room, and it had always gotten under my skin. Not even like…
bad
shit, but the same locker room talk those dudes had about every attractive woman that gained some attention. Cole just had the misfortune of close proximity, because she was around often.

They always talked about how they’d do this or that to her, fantasies and shit. But it usually only went so far, at least publicly, because that was Eli’s daughter. Besides that, Cole was… stern. She was warm when called for, and approachable, but she never gave the impression she was about any bullshit. Everybody knew she was no-nonsense, so fantasies were just that.

But if word got out that she was involved with a player… I could see how it might start going further than that. Players getting a little more bold, stepping to her, harassing her,
touching
her, because she was “known” for that. Every private meeting took a new context, words of comfort were suddenly flirting, promotions were the result of her sleeping her way to the top. It wasn’t even that any of those things were guaranteed – it could
all
be paranoia. But I knew how the media cycle worked. Knew how rumors and lies flew, and grew, until everything was all twisted.

I, of all people, should have understood her being fearful of that.

But I saw Pitts with his arms around her, knew he wouldn’t have done that shit if it was common knowledge that she was mine… and wigged out.

“I love you, okay?” She nodded, but didn’t look comforted by that fact. “I want us to be together. Want to be with you. So if hiding out like a side nigga is what it takes—”

“Stop,” Nicki scolded, laughing through her tears. That sound made relief flood through me, and my shoulders relaxed. “It wouldn’t be forever, I promise. I just want us to be as solid as possible before we take a step that could affect my career. I need to be able to lean on that. Need us to be strong enough that if it comes down to me quitting, I don’t have regrets. I just need a little
time
, Jordan. Please?”

I swallowed hard. “But you’re in this with me?”

She nodded. “I’m in. I’m willing. I want this.”

“Aiight. Then… we’re good.”

Nicki lifted an eyebrow, uncertainty playing over her face. “I thought we were good last time, and you switched on me.”

“That was my bad,” I admitted. “I bugged out, and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry. You forgive me?”

She snuggled closer into my lap, resting her head against my chest. “Yeah.”

I let out a deep sigh. Contentment, relief, and a bunch of other emotions, over the fact that we’d effectively dodged a block. I felt lighter than I had in days – since I’d left her here alone.

She shifted in my arms again, moving so that our faces were in line. “Jordan…” she murmured, bringing a hand up to stroke my face.

“Yeah?”

“Since we’re good now…” She bit her lip, still looking a little unsure.

I chuckled. “I already know.”

A smile spread over her face. “Really?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Take your panties off.”

“I just don’t understand why it was so hard for me to admit that he’d hurt my feelings.”

Mel looked up from the paint swatches she held in her hand, her expression thoughtful. I couldn’t tell if she was listening to me, or contemplating her nursery colors, but either way, I was glad for
somebody
to talk to about this.

I didn’t want to rehash it with Jordan, and my friends thought I was a broken record. Mel was smart, slick at the mouth, and I didn’t
think
she’d know who I was talking about, so she was a perfect person.

“I think… I’m going to stick with warm yellows and grey, for this room,” she said finally, flipping the swatch cards in her hand. “And… I think you have a hard time with showing what you perceive as weakness.”

I wrinkled my nose. “What I
perceive
as weakness?”

It was Thanksgiving day – well after we’d stuffed ourselves, and my father and brother were passed out in the den, watching football. After we’d cleaned and put things away, Mel made her way to the room that would be her nursery when the baby arrived. I followed.

Mel nodded, taking a seat on the couch that had been in the living room until she’d redecorated the townhouse last year. “Just listening to you… you didn’t want to say that he’d hurt you, because you didn’t want to reveal that he
could
hurt you. But really, that’s part of being in love.”

I frowned. “Getting hurt?”

“Yep. Well… not really the getting hurt part. The healing from it, together. The growing, together. Relationships will have ups and downs, but you should come out of the “downs” feeling stronger, more bonded than before. Personally… I think a lot of women get it twisted. They think that there’s strength in hardening their hearts, in not being vulnerable.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “There isn’t?”

“Not always,” Mel laughed. “Obviously, you can’t let just anybody into that delicate space, of having the ability to hurt you. But with the right person, I think there’s an
incredible
strength in vulnerability. In opening yourself enough, trusting someone enough to give them such close access to your heart.”

“But it’s dangerous too.”

She nodded, agreeing. “Yeah, it is. Some will take advantage of it. Hurt you for the fun of it. But that’s a discernment thing, and you’re a very smart girl, Cole. I don’t think you’d involve yourself with someone like that. So what you’re left with is the unintentional stuff. The careless words, forgotten milestones, lack of attention. The stuff they swore they’d never do, and it happened anyway.”