Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (29 page)

“Want to dance?” I said to Erich shortly after John
decided all I would see was his back for the rest of the
night.

Erich looked shocked, and I couldn’t blame him. I’d
made every excuse possible to avoid dancing with him until he’d just stopped asking. Eventually, he nodded.

I led Erich out on the dance floor. Out of the corner
of my eye, I saw John and Sasha already out there. I
pulled Erich to me by his hips and started grinding my
body against his.

“What’s going on with you?” Erich asked, seeming bewildered yet pleased.

“Do you really care?” I grinned, wrapping my arms
around him.

“
I just hope whatever it is doesn’t get out anytime
soon.”

I smiled. But inside, I was seething with rage. I
wanted to tear John apart. And his little Sasha, too.

Erich and I danced too closely and slowly for the
beat. We danced for most of the rest of the night. I was
surprised Astoria could keep herself from leaping around
the room with joy. And I was surprised the rage burning
me up inside didn’t show on the outside; that I could
focus it all on my efforts to make myself want to be with
Erich. That I could turn it into way more dancing than I had endurance for, especially wearing stilettos.

I continued to watch John from across the room
whether I was dancing or sitting, even though he went to
great lengths to avoid looking my way. I stole a glance
whenever I could in a way that wouldn’t provoke a kick
under the table or an elbow from Astoria. And whenever
she caught me, Sasha would bore her eyes into me, no
doubt willing me to drop dead on the spot. I hadn’t been
in the same room with John much since our breakup. We
didn’t have any classes together that semester and we
made a point of avoiding each other.

Once or twice I caught his eye that night. When I
did, he would glare at me and I glared right back. Then,
he would then turn completely away from me and pull
Sasha close to him. Not that she was ever that far from
him at any point in the night. I was enjoying hating
them, loathing them. It was all I really had left. Besides
Astoria annoying the hell out of me and a date I didn’t
really want.

B
y the end of the night, Astoria was wrapped up in Blue, Suse in Charles, and I was trying to wrap myself up
in Erich. But it was hard when my eyes kept traveling
across the room to where John was. I didn’t want any
thing to do with Erich; at least not in the way he and
Astoria wanted me to. I was so angry and disappointed that I was quite surprised I could keep a smile plastered
on my face all night.

My stomach was killing me. One good thing, if you
could call it that, was that I’d lost about ten pounds since
John and I had broken up. I was so disgusted with him—
and myself—I couldn’t even eat. My head hurt. My eyes
hurt. All I really wanted to do was go home and cry.

I watched a few straggling couples drag themselves
across the dance floor. The DJ looked like she wanted to
go home worse than I did. Erich tapped me on the arm
and I looked up at him.

“You want to go?” Erich put his hand on my back. “Get ready for the party?”

“Sure,” I said. I knew he was probably tired of me
staring across the room. I’d caught him catching me
staring a few times. I turned to the rest of the table. “You
guys ready to change and head over to the party?” I didn’t
really want to go to the party, but I felt obliged to keep up my act.

Everyone agreed that it was time to leave. Erich got
up. I followed quickly behind. I had spotted John disap
pearing out of the door. I didn’t give Astoria or Suse a chance to object.

I
saw John outside. Erich was getting the car. I walked up to him and he turned to me, his face blank. I couldn’t
help it. I didn’t want to walk up to him. I didn’t want to
talk to him. But I couldn’t stop myself.

“Why?” I asked, choking back tears.

“We’re engaged,” John said bluntly, slurring his words a little. The bottom dropped out of my stomach. Okay.
That, I really hadn’t needed to know. I gasped audibly
despite my efforts not to react. I clenched my purse
tightly in my hands to keep from screaming.

“You’re what?”

“It’s not like we were ever going to make it, Denise. It was just never going to work out for us. Because you’re
determined it’s not,” John said.

“You’re what?”

“I mean, what do you want me to do? What can I say?
I tried. You were working against us the whole time.”
“You’re the one with the racist parents.”

“That’s my parents’ problem. Not mine.”

“Yeah, like you’re going to go against them for me for
ever.”

“See? There you go. We never had a chance because you never let us have a chance. You were defeatist from
the beginning.”

“So you’re marrying her?”

“Well, if I’m not going to be with you, I might as well
be with her.”

“Excuses. Lies. You never loved me!”

“I love the hell out of you. Don’t you even start with
that tonight. You don’t love me enough, or yourself
e
nough, or whatever. But the point is, Denise, you
wouldn’t let us happen. You did this to us. And I will not
carry that blame around for you,” John said. And before
I could say another word, he stormed off to an Escalade full of his jackass friends.

I was fuming at the after-party. John was engaged. So
that was what the harpies had been so excited about at
the dance. I was so angry, I didn’t even want to drink. I
was afraid of what I’d do if I drank. I sat in a corner by
myself most of the time. Erich had given up on me
almost immediately after we’d gotten to the party. He
started talking to a group of girls once Astoria and Blue
disappeared.

Not that there had been a real chance of me and John
getting back together, but the news John had so callously given me had crushed any chance of a dream of a hope I
might have ever had. He’d told me many times he’d never
really loved Sasha. Not the way he’d loved me. And even that night, when he’d told me about the engagement, he
hadn’t mentioned loving her. It was beyond ridiculous
that they were engaged. I couldn’t stand the thought.

I had to stay angry. I had to stay outraged. If I didn’t,
I would dissolve into tears. And I was afraid that if I did
that, I’d never be able to stop crying.

I pulled out my phone with a sigh once I felt it
vibrate against me. I flipped it open. A new text message.
From John?

Hey. I got a room downtown. Wanna come down here?
It read.

Where’s wifey?
I texted back, sneering at my phone.

N
ot here. I left the party we were at early. I was bored.
And I wanted to see you,
he texted back.

My heart nearly stopped.
For what? You’re getting
married. Go find her.

She’s not you, Denise. Can I please see you tonight? I
need to see you
.

I sat there in silence, staring down at my phone, won
dering what kind of games he was playing. And won
dering if I wanted to get wrapped up in such games. I definitely knew it wasn’t smart to get involved in such
games. Well, objectively, I knew that. Another text. I
opened the message. He’d texted me the hotel’s address. I
closed my eyes and sighed. Shaking my head, very disap
pointed with myself as I did it, I texted him back that I
would be over soon.

I stood up and walked over to Erich slowly, wondering if there was even any point in telling him.

“What?” Erich looked up at me, eyes glazed. At least he was too drunk to care. Hopefully.

“I’m leaving. Tia just texted me. She’s really sick and
she asked me to come home. You gonna be okay getting
home if I leave?” I couldn’t believe how fluid the lie was.
I was even more ashamed of myself than I’d been texting
John. I had driven Erich and he’d left his car at his apart
ment since I hadn’t planned to drink.

“Sure.” He smiled.

I wondered why he wasn’t pushing the issue, but I was
glad that he wasn’t. I assumed it had something to do
with the girls surrounding him. I went to find Suse and
feed her the same lie before heading out. I didn’t know w
here Astoria was, but I knew she was too preoccupied
with Blue to worry about where I was going and why
Erich wasn’t going with me. And I was afraid she would
figure it out if I did talk to her. It was bad enough Suse
was suspicious. But luckily, Suse didn’t press me. I did my
best not to give her time to, either.

John opened the door and grabbed my wrist. He
pulled me in before I could say a word. It was dark, but
I could feel his lecherous, alcohol-clouded eyes all over
me.

“Wait a minute.” I pulled away from him.

“Look. I didn’t ask you to come over here to talk.
Talking doesn’t work for us,” he said, already leading me from the front of the suite into the bedroom. I had a mil
lion questions. Whose suite was this? Did he get it for an
after-party? If he had, why were we the only two there?
Had he planned this? Had he planned to bring his future
wife there originally?

“I don’t want it to be like this.”

“Look,” John sighed angrily, letting go of me. He
flipped on the light. My heart hurt. He was so gorgeous,
standing there in just his boxers. My eyes raked over his
abs. Those arms. I wanted those deep green eyes to look
at me the way they had before everything had gone
wrong. For just a moment, I thought I saw a flicker of—

“John—”

And it was gone. “No. You know I didn’t invite you
over here at four in the morning to watch television. You
know what this is. And if you want to act like you don’t,
then you can leave. We had this discussion at the dance.

We’re not having it again,” John said. He closed those beautiful eyes to me completely. All I saw was coldness.

“Fine,” I said, trying to make my voice steely. But it
was hard enough just to keep it from shaking, and I
wasn’t sure that I had succeeded.

I walked out of the room, chest heaving. I had
known, deep down, sure, but had he had to put it out
there like that? And so harshly?

“Denise. Wait,” John said.

Inwardly, I breathed a sigh of relief and stopped about
halfway to the front door.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to come out so harshly.”
I turned around, careful to avoid his eyes.

“Can’t we just have a few hours? Not think about any
thing else? Things are the way they have to be. But I just
want to forget that right now.”

Stupid boy
, I thought, but to him I said, “Whatever,
John.”

I walked back toward the bedroom. He followed me.
John’s arms wrapped around me from behind. I closed my eyes and sighed in resignation.

If that was all I could have, at least I could be near
him. I loathed myself for that thought as soon as it crossed
my mind. I sank back against him. There were so many
things I wanted to say, but obviously if I said any of them, I’d be on my way out. Alone. And I didn’t want that. Even
if staying meant being shady and weak and the type of girl
I didn’t want to be. I wondered what he was thinking of
me at that moment. Did he think I was a slut? Did he
think I had no morals? Was he thinking at all?

I
turned around to face him and he immediately
buried my head in his shoulder. Had I seen sadness in his
eyes?